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The "Critique Me" Thread

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ThornWithin
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JohnnyBlaze said:Although Lepp is on the job, it doesn't hurt to get multiple critiques.

Thorn, throw Stanza Five right out the window.  It is irrelevant.


Yes. Done. Lepp suggested that too.

Thanks Johnny !

Paul

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ThornWithin
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Hello everyone.

This is the revised version. Based on lepperochan's critique on structure, order,ideas, title and suggestions. Kindly critique as I still await Leps critique on this revision. Thanks !

Paul

--------------


Naming Tyr


Friday's mid-afternoon coolness and May sun's heat perfect.
Damp air soothing, hospital scent is strangely calming.
Mama's eyes brilliantly says "This is it at last!"
Your arrival fulfills missing piece of parenthood.


Nurses are like ants in a pranked anthill.
Rushing and scrambling, coming and then going.
Intercom's singing every time, paging doctors.
Papers to sign and medical supplies to rush.

Nurses were fussing about, trying to get you out to the world
You nearly died, my vision dimmed it seemed
Your heart erratically beating, as mama struggled
Pelvic bone can't accommodate, an alternative is set.


Admirable, your mama overcome the cesarean operation
Her strength, her will, her prayers, and her tears
Paid off, you were out and then suddenly your breathing's
Unheard, as you won't cry and let in your lungs first air.


Panic slapped everyone in the delivery room
The doctor did everything, every possible measures
And finally a sign, as your life song brought smiles
Your first cry's a heartwarming radiant music


I was there when you were so fragile and adorable
Held you in my arms, even afraid I might break your bones
Eyes still closed, your lips so pronounced and pouty
Your smell heavenly, your face radiating meek innocence.


Visions of your first words, first steps and falls
The fishing trips we'd make, first beers together
You bring joy to your mother, brought your father to tears
Little fighter, what name would suit you better than any other


Fan of myths and lore, of triumphs and bravery
I quickly thought of a name you can be proud of
As the resident nurse unwaveringly demanded
Of a name to write on her hospital records.


A name, I ponder and for a few minutes wonder
So I think and rethink my thoughts like forever wander
Before I settled with the Nordic God Tyr
And a great Greek military commander Alexander

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lepperochan
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Hullo

reads a lot better now, Paul, fair play to you. one thing  I just wondered about was length: given you'll be printing it into an A4  or something similar

anyhow, let's get stuck into it. I like the title, it's short but it implies something more than two words, that's to say, on seeing a title like that we know there's a story attached to it



Friday's mid-afternoon coolness and May sun's heat perfect.

pretty good start here, Paul. you could if you like expand a tiny bit:

- and May's sun conspired to make a perfect day for you ..something along them lines, but only if it suits you. Punctuation is gone, you've all the site and strokes



Damp air soothing, hospital scent is strangely calming.

this is pretty good, along with the first two lines it creates an athmosphere for the rest of the body


Mama's eyes brilliantly says "This is it at last!"

brilliantly. ..I dunno about that, I mean there's nothing wrong with it per say , but it's sticks out a bit. you could work around it if you like ie: "Mama's eyes widened and shone" ..something which keeps the line firmly in the past



Your arrival fulfills missing piece of parenthood.

I feel this line belongs at the end cos your only a couple of lines in and the kid is born already. unless you change it a bit "will fulfill"  


Nurses are like ants in a pranked anthill.
Rushing and scrambling, coming and then going.
Intercom's singing every time, paging doctors.
Papers to sign and medical supplies to rush.


I like this stanza a lot, good stuff. the only thing I would say is yet keep your past tense in fact, that could mean changing the ings:

rushed and scrambled, intercom sang to page doctors. if you were of the mind you could probably drop the last two lines, but I don't feel it's critical to do so


Nurses were fussing about, trying to get you out to the world

pretty good, small edit required for tense: fussed about, tried to help you out


You nearly died, my vision dimmed it seemed
Your heart erratically beating, as mama struggled
Pelvic bone can't accommodate, an alternative is set.

this is good too, thouh id it were mine is start it with the "your heart beat" line because we'll get the feeling that he nearly died with those lines:

but your heart beat erratic, and Mama struggled.  I think 'pelvic bone couldn't accomadate but personally I'd be wary of naming his mother's bones at such a young age, you could just say mother couldn't accomadate, it's your call really

(note ings are chenged)





Admirable, your mama overcome the cesarean operation
Her strength, her will, her prayers, and her tears
Paid off, you were out

grand job, the kid is out now. I think you should end that stanzs there, let the birth stand before you go into the troubles


and then suddenly your breathing's
Unheard, as you won't cry and let in your lungs first air.

'breath unheard'  'couldn't cry' Od have those two lines a stanza of their own


Panic slapped everyone in the delivery room
The doctor did everything, every possible measures
And finally a sign, as your life song brought smiles
Your first cry's a heartwarming radiant music


grand job here too, a bit of tension builds, decent enough couple of lines

I was there when you were so fragile and adorable
Held you in my arms, even afraid I might break your bones
Eyes still closed, your lips so pronounced and pouty
Your smell heavenly, your face radiating meek innocence.


I think you could drop "I was there" cos that's been established already and "you were so fragile " is good for the continuity

I like the description of the newborn  kid: you cover sight, touch, and smell so happy days


Visions of your first words, first steps and falls
The fishing trips we'd make, first beers together
You bring joy to your mother, brought your father to tears
Little fighter, what name would suit you better than any other

now, this stanza is pretty good, in my opinion,  for this particular poem you could drop the fisrt two lines. I get it though: it's a build up to how you find a name so again it's not a critical thing and totally your call  


Fan of myths and lore, of triumphs and bravery
I quickly thought of a name you can be proud of
As the resident nurse unwaveringly demanded
Of a name to write on her hospital records.


I dunno about this stanza. I don't feel you have to explain why you name him, but I understand you're pulling these lines from actual happenings and the mad nurse probably sticks in your head when you recall the day, it's just on some level it implies that you were forced to make a quick decision rather than you see his face, heard his cry and feel and so named him  Tyr

A name, I ponder and for a few minutes wonder

'pondered'- keep it in the past, and drop wonder

So I think and rethink my thoughts like forever wander

dunno about those four lines anyway sems excess given in the last stanza you said you "quickly thought of a name"

Before I settled with the Nordic God Tyr
And a great Greek military commander Alexander

cool, don't think you need militry cos commander implies militry anyway.


Look, at the end of the day there words are a gift from you to your son, so once you're happy with it that's all that counts. I've suggested stuff but they're only suggestions

the stuff I feel is critical revolver around keeping the poem in the past, ings and such need to go, I think I've caught them all but may have missed some

anyhow, I think it's great that you're going to gift your son your words, and also that they'll hang in his room for him to read untold times

fair fkn play to you Paul

respek



my opollogies for the amount of typos. I'll fix them shortly


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Magnetron
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ThornWithin said:Hello everyone.

This is the revised version. Based on lepperochan's critique on structure, order,ideas, title and suggestions. Kindly critique as I still await Leps critique on this revision. Thanks !


You probably are well on your way through your 2nd revision based on Craic's suggestions.

Here is what I suggest. Take this

A name, I ponder and for a few minutes wonder
Before I settled with the Nordic God Tyr
And a great Greek military commander Alexander
[/quote]

Create an alternative poem using this information as your foundation. Tell the tale of your son's birth using the experiences of Tyr and Alexander. Do this and you may either generate an even better poem or at least some new ideas to incorporate into the original.

Avoid packaging the lines into 4 line stanzas, which only lends the appearance of being a poem. Do it like the following. I took the liberty of stripping out extraneous words and correcting tenses, while retaining all of your original information.

This format will allow you to more easily identify what information is
- unnecessary
- redundant

and identify
- existing rhymes intentional and otherwise accidental
- words you can change to create new rhymes
- where line breaks forming stanzas are most appropriate
- words you  have utilized way too often

ThornWithin said:
Naming Tyr

Friday's mid-afternoon coolness
May sun's heat perfect
Damp air soothing
Hospital scent strangely calming
Mama's eyes brilliantly say, "This is it at last!"
Your arrival fulfills missing piece of parenthood
Nurses are ants in a pranked anthill
Rushing, scrambling, coming and then going
Intercom singing pages to doctors
Papers to sign
medical supplies to rush
Nurses fussing about
trying to get you out to the world <- not necessary
You nearly died
My vision dimmed it seemed
Your heart erratically beating
Mama struggled
Pelvic bone couldn't accommodate
The alternative path taken
Mama overcome the cesarean operation
Her strength, will, prayers, and tears
It all paid off
You were out <- used this word already; could change it to here
Then suddenly .....
You weren't breathing
didn't cry
couldn't let in your lungs first air <- redundant
Panic slapped everyone in the delivery room
The doctor did everything
every possible measures <- redundant
Finally a sign
Your life song brought smiles
The first cry was heartwarming radiant music
I was there when <- not necessary because we already know this
You were so fragile and adorable in my arms
I fearful of breaking your bones
Eyes still closed
Lips so pronounced and pouty
What a heavenly smell
Face radiating meek innocence.
Visions of your first words
steps and falls
The fishing trips we'd make
drinking <- possible new rhymable word inserted beers together
You brought joy to mother and father to tears
Little fighter
what name would suit you better than any other?
Fan of myths, lore, triumphs and bravery
I quickly thought of a name you could be proud of
As the resident nurse unwaveringly demanded
name to write in her hospital records <- used this word already; could change it to something
A name <- redundant I ponder
wonder for a few minutes <- redundant
think and rethink <- redundant
my thoughts wander seemingly forever
Before I settled with the Nordic God Tyr
And a great Greek military commander Alexander

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lepperochan
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I like that, it's pretty good. fair play, he of the five names

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ThornWithin
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lepperochan and Magnetron,

MUCH respect ! Took me a while to digest your suggestions.

My THANKS. The only word I can mutter at this time.

Paul


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ManorMyth
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http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/166036-no-title-yet/
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/189505-jacob-the-hunter-pt-2/

Been working on this story for awhile and currently at a standstill. So I wanted to get some feedback on what needed to be edited as far as grammar and punctuation goes so that the story flows better.

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MayRayn
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I've just blurted this one out today. It feels in need of work (aren't they all?) and am curious what willing slicers and dicers will make of it. Have at it, with my blessings and gratitude.

(also appears here: http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/240221-in-perpetuity/ )


In Perpetuity

Bittersweet days slip through the hourglass.
I watch the sand grains, tear-stained, recalling
our past pluperfect, enmeshed in each other
in a dream that led us to forget ourselves.

I've tried to shelve the days and nights of
"...wish we were..." on that highest ledge,
scanning the horizon instead for what will be.
I fear I will need to scour my mind free
of any part of you. And so I've buried us
where our hearts now beat in silent unison.

Sadness and yearning clamoring
brought us together. We shifted
sand dunes to make treasured moments,
those memories tattooed under our skin
as angels danced on prickling pins.

And so I sit, watching the days slip,
still bittersweet, one grain at a time -
each grown into a pearl of wonder.
If we could only turn the hourglass without
spilling what anchors us in fertile soil,
and plant our memories to feed the roses.

poet Anonymous

Please help me figure out why this didn't work out. I had a good idea, but this is not it. Tear it apart. It's not written well at all. Any help would be appreciated.

http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/239727-the-path-i-chose/
The path I chose
My face is laying in the dirt.
So many paths I see.Picking one will not be easy for me.
I look around to tangled twines, from hip to feet. They've engulfed me. This reeks of something I would do.
Time to find the strength in me,to admit the binds I allowed to bury me.
I will learn to wiggle free, squirm like the worm, right by my face. Holy shit I dug this deep?
I will find my first twine to beat.
I believe it's the one strangling my feet.
Twist and squirm, like the worm on my face.
There I go ,feel the burn.The pain  can't matter, this I've earned .
Like the spoiled bitch ,I've been before. It's about time, wicked whore.
Every twine I have tangled , is nothing to the hearts I tore.
It shit on me, that fucking worm.
I  guess it knows whose face it's on.
There I go,a leg set free
Oozing blood, my leg now sheds.
Release your hips. This will hurt.
I am a cunt, for those I burnt.
I know, I know, I didn't see.
How hurt they'd be,as they watched me go.
Just my style to squirm again.
How taste that dirt. As I try to free, hips and a leg, engulfed in vines.
Don't give up, I am a fighter bitch.
Paying the price, for all I chose.
Twist and squirm, and squirm and twist. Use your hands,know there I go.
I scream out, ripping muscle and bones.
Discipline, you muddy twit.
Dig the digs,torn muscle and skin.
The more you groan, the tangled twine. It starting to listen, it's giving in.Rip it free, let it go.
As you stand there naked, bleeding and torn.
Look ahead to those paths you've seen. Time to choose your path once more.
Hmmm, what to choose. The one I've known. With perfect pebble stones. Where anyone can indulge themselves. Where loves a given for anyone. Where name nor stature, need not matter.
I will change this path I know.
I've chose the path of thorns for me,
with all it's shame and drudgery.


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lepperochan
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@Forgotten_Mom71

it may help if you gave us an idea of the idea you had. sometimes the simple act of writing down your idea may be enough to illuminate the fork in the road to which you strayed

this message was brought to you by the letter double-you

..you're welcome

poet Anonymous

She's a narcissistic woman that believes , everyone is beneath her. She chose a path that only suited her needs,no matter who she hurt.
Now that she is maturing, she doesn't want to live with who she has become. She whines and bitches, once she realizes she is bound by her choices. Towards the end she's remorseful. She chooses a difficult path to travel, because she feels she deserves it.

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lepperochan
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hmmmm. alright,. now this may sound a little bit out there: scrap it. scrap every word of it. your idea is raw, real, and poetic enough as it is without all the artsy fartsy frills around it.  lay it out in eight lines. black n white, expose yourself to the elements of self doubt and ride it out

(not saying the poem is any way shitty, just it seems easier to rewrte than re-steer to keep with your idea)

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Distorted_Lust
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(Forgotten_mom71)

Nice really liked it encredibly relatable

poet Anonymous

Thank you for your honesty Lepperochan. Makes sense to me.✌

poet Anonymous

MayRayn said:I've just blurted this one out today. It feels in need of work (aren't they all?) and am curious what willing slicers and dicers will make of it. Have at it, with my blessings and gratitude.

(also appears here: http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/240221-in-perpetuity/ )


In Perpetuity

Bittersweet days slip through the hourglass.
I watch the sand grains, tear-stained, recalling  I wonder here, how did tears get in the sand? Suggestion: "I watch the grains and stain them with my tears"
our past pluperfect, enmeshed in each other
in a dream that led us to forget ourselves.

I've tried to shelve the days and nights of
"...wish we were..." on that highest ledge,
scanning the horizon instead for what will be.
I fear I will need to scour my mind free
of any part of you. And so I've buried us
where our hearts now beat in silent unison. This stanza, with all the shelving, scanning, scouring and burying, seems to be going off in all different directions. That may be the effect you are aiming at.

Sadness and yearning clamoring "yearning clamoring" seems awkward.
brought us together. We shifted
sand dunes to make treasured moments, I automatically try to form a mental image of us shifting sand dunes to make moments, and I drive into the ditch
those memories tattooed under our skin Why under the skin?
as angels danced on prickling pins.

And so I sit, watching the days slip,
still bittersweet, one grain at a time -
each grown into a pearl of wonder. Beautiful
If we could only turn the hourglass without
spilling what anchors us in fertile soil, Wait -- we're plants now?
and plant our memories to feed the roses. This is as clear as mud. But it's nice mud.  

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