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The "Critique Me" Thread

Invictuskidd
Strange Creature
United States
Joined 6th Nov 2015
Forum Posts: 12

I love Feedback
Anything you folks can offer that will help me up my game will be most appreciated.

argedion
Naiko
Twisted Dreamer
United States
Joined 26th Aug 2013
Forum Posts: 12

http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/220794-the-best-is-yet-to-come-critque-and/

Critique please. Like to know if the poems good and how it can be better. Erotic poem. The purpose of which is to turn a person's mind on. Hoping I achieved making it have that effect.

JohnnyBlaze
Tyrant of Words
United States 23awards
Joined 20th Mar 2015
Forum Posts: 5572

argedion said:http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/220794-the-best-is-yet-to-come-critque-and/

Critique please. Like to know if the poems good and how it can be better. Erotic poem. The purpose of which is to turn a person's mind on. Hoping I achieved making it have that effect.


It has awkward moments where the choice of words interrupts the flow.

Otherwise, it is better than most attempts at erotica.

For practice, try to write something shorter that is not a blow by blow account of a sexual encounter. Pun intended. This should help you find a happy medium between creating a voyeuristic experience and a first person experience for the reader.


highwaytohell
Greg
Thought Provoker
South Africa
Joined 24th Sep 2015
Forum Posts: 449

Well you guys know what to do tear it to shreds. Specifically with the structure and this is a dark poem. Enjoy! http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/225285-sam/

SatInUGal
Kumar
Dangerous Mind
United States 24awards
Joined 31st Dec 2015
Forum Posts: 903

If you're like me you hate most poetry you read. I have seen VERY few poems here that I truly connect to, but I still like it here because the potential exists and the expressions are still all beautiful in their own way even if I can't make that connection. Maybe someday I'll be ready to be honest and really give people true gutting feedback.

Tacete
who-isthe-silence
Twisted Dreamer
Australia 1awards
Joined 24th Nov 2013
Forum Posts: 205

Would love some critique on my latest.
-

The Locksmith

Rediscovering what it is
to be jobless, rent chews
through my dole payment.
Too many times have I
stepped aside, pulling my
hands back from that pass.

The football spirals through
the air, I know I can take it.
'It's mine' somebody says
and so I let it by me
only to be intercepted.
Ever since then, I've taken the
Initiative at every opportunity.  

Knowing full well in my heart
that failure doesn't dictate
the comings and goings
of the passer's intentions.
This time I took to the air
and snatched the football.

Like reading a book I chose to
persevere with the infuriating
failures of the opening plot.
Taking that pass had me
thinking; throw the pass instead.
Perhaps somebody else will
snatch the ball instead.

When I came to the ground
landing within the try area
I stood up triumphant
took a right hook to the head
I simply smiled and said
'It'll be your try next'

SatInUGal
Kumar
Dangerous Mind
United States 24awards
Joined 31st Dec 2015
Forum Posts: 903

My first thought is that it reads like prose that has been turned into poem form. You have some nice images here to work with, but to my ears (admittedly totally subjective) there is way too much exposition here and it could be trimmed quite a bit.

lepperochan
Craic-Dealer
Guardian of Shadows
Palestine 67awards
Joined 1st Apr 2011
Forum Posts: 14449

Tacete said:Would love some critique on my latest.
-

The Locksmith

Rediscovering what it is
to be jobless, rent chews
through my dole payment.
Too many times have I
stepped aside, pulling my
hands back from that pass.

The football spirals through
the air, I know I can take it.
'It's mine' somebody says
and so I let it by meeting
only to be intercepted.
Ever since then, I've taken the
Initiative at every opportunity.  

Knowing full well in my heart
that failure doesn't dictate
the comings and goings
of the passer's intentions.
This time I took to the air
and snatched the football.

Like reading a book I chose to
persevere with the infuriating
failures of the opening plot.
Taking that pass had me
thinking; throw the pass instead.
Perhaps somebody else will
snatch the ball instead.

When I came to the ground
landing within the try area
I stood up triumphant
took a right hook to the head
I simply smiled and said
'It'll be your try next'



first thoughts are:  there's a cleverness in here that's kind of overwhelmed by your need to explain.  I get what you are going for   . "take it, own it"  

personally I don't really like "rediscovering " as a first word. it seems ..I dunno pseudo -poetic. same with the "have I " on the fourth line.  you don't need to try to be poetic, just type your stuff the way you'd say your stuff. it'll read a lot less contrived

I think you could have led into the football metaphor a bit better, or even do away with the first three lines altogether and have the whole poem as a running metaphor

the whole third stanza reiterates the last two lines of the second, and the fourth is a bit confusing :

Taking that pass had me
thinking;

OK, so when you took the pass you thought. I think the problem is you've tried to write in past tense with.   ing  words, and it doesn't work

anyhow, like I said earlier, I get what you are going for and the football metaphor is clever enough but I think its  too long. I bet you could condence the whole thing into eight or ten lines, and try keep the poem in the one tense

I hope some of that makes sense

Phoenix_Risen
Thought Provoker
United States 5awards
Joined 21st Dec 2015
Forum Posts: 98

Hey everyone! I would appreciate if anyone could give me an honest critique, I'm trying to improve at this so shred away!


Ashes and Ghosts

miles to go, so many miles
I look down at the broken road
my shoes tattered and worn through  
like my soul
 
need to rest, just for a moment
a little time to remember
the life and love I once knew
I wish I could forget
 
a wisp of smoke through the trees
the faint smell of burnt embers
fading slowly away
taking with it our future
 
cold sun faintly outlined
in an ashen sky, ever colder
moves slowly towards the west
closing another day
 
the last day?
maybe that would be best
this life has lost its meaning
given way to bitterness
 
dark forms like ghosts
moving through the shadows
skittish and untrusting
alone in their own private hell
 
a wasted world brought low
by those bent on destruction
for their own gain
feeding on our fears
 
no one left to care now
no more kings
and no one left to rule
just ashes and ghosts

lepperochan
Craic-Dealer
Guardian of Shadows
Palestine 67awards
Joined 1st Apr 2011
Forum Posts: 14449

I like the title. It's very catchy, fair plau , I'd use that myself if I thought of it

there's some good stuff in there: but some of it is very whiney or emo-esque:

a wisp of smoke through the trees
the faint smell of burnt embers
fading slowly away
taking with it our future

this was a decent stanza til you stuck that last line in.. and embers are burnt anyway so there's no need to tell is they're burnt, what do they smell like  ?

there's lots of words that are excszs , take a good look at it and figure out what you don't need. the poem is long, though there is a fair bit of consistency so its not too much of a struggle to get to the end.

" no more kings
and no one left to rule "/

like the embers, if there's no kings then there's no one left to rule anyway

" and there's no kings left to rule"



" dark forms like ghosts"

are they ghosts ? if so, just say ghosts.

move through the shadows
skittish, with no trust

get rid of the last line
"Alone in their private hell"

its cliche, to bits and lazy, tere's no need for it

I fget rid of "ever colder" in the fourth

look, the poem is not a disaster a little chaotic because you're putting too much into some of the stanzas. again, take a look at them, work out what you want to say and say it with less

like the poem above you, this critique is based on my preference so its subjective but there might be something in it which wulill help at some stage







highwaytohell
Greg
Thought Provoker
South Africa
Joined 24th Sep 2015
Forum Posts: 449

Knives

Cold steel on warm flesh
watching the stream
of blood
pour

Guns and bullets
too quick
detached and reckless
bombs are expensive
although highly rewarding
watching the rain of body
splatter along with the house

Knives cater for budgets
as well as variety
in all shapes
sizes
and sharpness

Making the victim feel more at home
that care and thought have taken place
not an insensitive immolate
at the very least kill with kindness

Give them the pleasure of a slow death
allow the seeping sting to sing
cut a little here
and a little there
but do not be an idiot and cut everywhere

Use little knives for large parts
and big knives for little parts
they'll thank you for it
perhaps even leave a message
on their torso
as a parting gift of respect

Just remember to use
knives

Have fun

lepperochan
Craic-Dealer
Guardian of Shadows
Palestine 67awards
Joined 1st Apr 2011
Forum Posts: 14449


Cold steel on warm flesh
watching the stream
of blood
pour

..is the cold steel watching  or you. It reads lime the cold steel is watching, again I think it's lazy. get rid of watching

"I watch"  ...simple ..that said, I like the stanza , it could Stand on it's own if you fix it.

thetes do much stuff that's just rubbish :

"but do not be an idiot and cut everywhere "

get rid of that, apart from anything else its too long and impedee whatever flow is in that stanza


bombs are practicly free, you probably have the makings of one in your kitchen

get rid of the fifth stanza its ..there's no need for it

same with the last stanza and the last two lines

change 'making' to make


there's the makings of a good poem here, its not shit by any means but I feel you should put more time to it , try stay with the metre and flow of the first stanza, it says a fair bit with the few words, its by far the best stanza

anyhow, I'll leave it at that cos my free time it away

I hope some of the above will help at some stage

fair play😎

highwaytohell
Greg
Thought Provoker
South Africa
Joined 24th Sep 2015
Forum Posts: 449

Thanks for the feedback, although I feel that the change in meter especially when the poem addresses the victim. Should change to more lengthening words allowing for a more sinister and sadistic atmosphere. The word "watching" implies that the reader sees the crime almost a tribute to the Hitchcock's shower scene. Other than that I agree with you and appreciate the critic.

highwaytohell
Greg
Thought Provoker
South Africa
Joined 24th Sep 2015
Forum Posts: 449

I have some more juicy poems for you guys to critic. This one is called Being Blind and go!

Being blind

Seeing nothing but darkness
feeling for objects
feeling the weight
feeling for delicate movement

abandoning the eyes
the eyes of distraction
leading to a network
of images
judgment
and ideas
that aim to disorientate
Being blind
perhaps it is a gift
to privileged few
who learn to feel

To truly feel
from a rough wall to dew
to rain to wind
feel their movement
vibrations of sound
have discovered a feeling
few have found

Being blind
creates a calm
few understand or can withstand
in a world filled by chaos
and noise by all the toys
matters not

To the privileged few
being blind

SatansSperm
Dangerous Mind
13awards
Joined 19th Nov 2015
Forum Posts: 3112


please don't call it my town i just live there

I live in a town so small you can go from up-town to down-town...just by turning around ...where the newspaper is a pamphlet that comes out once a month...mostly about people who couldn't wait to get out...it's called "The Obituaries" but I know I saw Mrs. Lacey sneaking out of town real early one morning....a place where the only gun restriction is that you don't point it at your waitress.... where Andy Griffith goes to get away from it all...a town so small they still sell penny candies...you have to buy them by the dozen...and you only get four but.......where the only store sells guns & beer next to diapers & Viagra.....I remember this one time ...the whole town lost power....somebody tripped over the cord.... the mayor drives the school bus...we had a riot one time...two people went home for lunch...leaving me all alone....we had the same homecoming queen three years straight...time for a new one...if she graduates...where the closest hospital is so far away they usually just go to the cemetery...and wait....and the school is right next door....so you can see your future....a town so small you can look out your window and see who all your neighbors are doing...where everybody knows everything about everybody...unless you are new here like me...and I keep to myself....a town so small all the women's periods have synced up and for a few days a month they change the name to "Red River Valley"......someday my name is going to be on that pamphlet...one way or the other.

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