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Free Your Mind (constrictive criticism welcomed!)
I will walk until my knees are weakened
you call me on the phone and say your mind is shakin'
I will talk with you until my lungs stop breathin'
and 'til the sun's no longer shinin'
you say you've been dropped into a dark place
and your heart and mind, who will win the race?
with a dream you've been tryin' to chase
you wonder, has it all gone to waste?
you know the child within you still lives
something inside's been reignited
but over the years you've learned to hide it
and fight it
Suddenly you hear the words and it's all coming clear
and the sign you've been searching for is ever so near
so keep walkin' 'til your knees are weakened, my dear
and tell your story 'til your lungs are no longer breathin' air.
Don't be afraid to tell me this poem sucks. I want to improve my poetry skills.
you call me on the phone and say your mind is shakin'
I will talk with you until my lungs stop breathin'
and 'til the sun's no longer shinin'
you say you've been dropped into a dark place
and your heart and mind, who will win the race?
with a dream you've been tryin' to chase
you wonder, has it all gone to waste?
you know the child within you still lives
something inside's been reignited
but over the years you've learned to hide it
and fight it
Suddenly you hear the words and it's all coming clear
and the sign you've been searching for is ever so near
so keep walkin' 'til your knees are weakened, my dear
and tell your story 'til your lungs are no longer breathin' air.
Don't be afraid to tell me this poem sucks. I want to improve my poetry skills.
Anonymous
How do YOU feel about this poem. Are you proud enough of it to put it out into the world?
That’s the real gauge on a poem’s potential success.
That’s the real gauge on a poem’s potential success.
I enjoy writing, so, yeah I am proud of my poems. But the reason I share them on these websites is to get feedback on how I can improve to make them more enjoyable reads.
So, the real question is what did YOU like or hate about reading this poem, tell me why and please offer your suggestions for what I could change about it.
So, the real question is what did YOU like or hate about reading this poem, tell me why and please offer your suggestions for what I could change about it.
DreamerSeeker said:I enjoy writing, so, yeah I am proud of my poems. But the reason I share them on these websites is to get feedback on how I can improve to make them more enjoyable reads.
So, the real question is what did YOU like or hate about reading this poem, tell me why and please offer your suggestions for what I could change about it.
People are hesitant to comment on feedback requests in the forum because then it just becomes cluttered up with feedback requests.
If few people are commenting on your poems, consider commenting more and creating awareness of your existence.
And there is always the Critique Cafe Group to post in.
So, the real question is what did YOU like or hate about reading this poem, tell me why and please offer your suggestions for what I could change about it.
People are hesitant to comment on feedback requests in the forum because then it just becomes cluttered up with feedback requests.
If few people are commenting on your poems, consider commenting more and creating awareness of your existence.
And there is always the Critique Cafe Group to post in.
DreamerSeeker said:I will walk until my knees are weakened
you call me on the phone and say your mind is shakin'
I will talk with you until my lungs stop breathin'
and 'til the sun's no longer shinin'
you say you've been dropped into a dark place
and your heart and mind, who will win the race?
with a dream you've been tryin' to chase
you wonder, has it all gone to waste?
you know the child within you still lives
something inside's been reignited
but over the years you've learned to hide it
and fight it
Suddenly you hear the words and it's all coming clear
and the sign you've been searching for is ever so near
so keep walkin' 'til your knees are weakened, my dear
and tell your story 'til your lungs are no longer breathin' air.
Don't be afraid to tell me this poem sucks. I want to improve my poetry skills.
The first stanza tells of commitment and loss but the reader is Immediately questioning quandry why your knees
are weakened that can be good if you follow through for the reader
their mind in motion to search for an answer
The second stanza leaves the reader without an answer to keep the reader reading g and enjoying you must provide something for them
You are telling the reader of someone who seems to be important to you but speaking only about their struggles which in fact are too vague to get a true grip on the emotion you are trying to convey the reader is left hanging after reading two stanzas the reader is lost and disinterested
The third stanza is contradicting your own thought
The idea that the writer tells of this person that has been awakened yet they are still asleep it reads like a rough draft you are not giving the reader what they came for
At this point t isn't clear to the reader if this person is a brother sister or a lover
The final stanza tells of victory the long road to whatever is coming to an end
As the reader it has fallen flat left me confused the reader was fed bits and pieces of an idea
It left me unfulfilled
My own writing is a bit scrambled it lacks punctuation that is me but I try to have a fully rounded piece
Starting with the outline of my thought
Next the struggle you must involve the reader make them feel like they understand
Before the last stanza bring it all together with a solution perhaps hint at the resolve
Last stanza should round it out even if you plan on continuing with a trilogy each piece should stand on its own
I am not speaking as a professional or a teacher or a critic I tell you this from the readers pov what I like to see as a reader
Lastly it's best to stay away from rhyme unless you follow correct meter otherwise it feels forced
you call me on the phone and say your mind is shakin'
I will talk with you until my lungs stop breathin'
and 'til the sun's no longer shinin'
you say you've been dropped into a dark place
and your heart and mind, who will win the race?
with a dream you've been tryin' to chase
you wonder, has it all gone to waste?
you know the child within you still lives
something inside's been reignited
but over the years you've learned to hide it
and fight it
Suddenly you hear the words and it's all coming clear
and the sign you've been searching for is ever so near
so keep walkin' 'til your knees are weakened, my dear
and tell your story 'til your lungs are no longer breathin' air.
Don't be afraid to tell me this poem sucks. I want to improve my poetry skills.
The first stanza tells of commitment and loss but the reader is Immediately questioning quandry why your knees
are weakened that can be good if you follow through for the reader
their mind in motion to search for an answer
The second stanza leaves the reader without an answer to keep the reader reading g and enjoying you must provide something for them
You are telling the reader of someone who seems to be important to you but speaking only about their struggles which in fact are too vague to get a true grip on the emotion you are trying to convey the reader is left hanging after reading two stanzas the reader is lost and disinterested
The third stanza is contradicting your own thought
The idea that the writer tells of this person that has been awakened yet they are still asleep it reads like a rough draft you are not giving the reader what they came for
At this point t isn't clear to the reader if this person is a brother sister or a lover
The final stanza tells of victory the long road to whatever is coming to an end
As the reader it has fallen flat left me confused the reader was fed bits and pieces of an idea
It left me unfulfilled
My own writing is a bit scrambled it lacks punctuation that is me but I try to have a fully rounded piece
Starting with the outline of my thought
Next the struggle you must involve the reader make them feel like they understand
Before the last stanza bring it all together with a solution perhaps hint at the resolve
Last stanza should round it out even if you plan on continuing with a trilogy each piece should stand on its own
I am not speaking as a professional or a teacher or a critic I tell you this from the readers pov what I like to see as a reader
Lastly it's best to stay away from rhyme unless you follow correct meter otherwise it feels forced
