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Looking For Constructive Critism

BreannaMSeymour91
BreannaMSeymour91
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Joined 27th Sep 2018
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Life on stilts
Been so down
So are down
Nearly rock bottom
Lost most everything
But not the rock I've just gotten

Should I smoke it
Should I snort it
Should I swallow or shoot it
Should I sell it
Should I keep it
Or tomorrow I'll do it

Nothing else left for me here
Lost all but this rock
Might as well just enjoy
Since it all tat I've got

Gave up everything for you
Nearly even my life
Lost my home and my family
But you, you survive

If I burn you
I'll inhale you

If I shoot you
I'll regret you

If I snort you
I'll twack out too

What to do
What to do

As I'm thinking
As I'm sinking

I realize
I'm already feeling

Why not throwing you

Why do I need you

Why do I already feel I've done two

Because I have you

Only half too

Maybe I've just lost my mind, dude

Did I do you

Didn't mean to

Almost gone boo

I'll take a nap soon

But instead you
Come with more toot
Crystal glass stash
And some soap cash

Up again, fool
A couple weeks, Sue

Cut it out, Jill
We look mad I'll

Twacked and seeing shapes
Shadows run this place
Clean as fuck now
But shadows everywhere

Is that a man there
Oh, no it's a chair

Fuck I need to quit
But, hell my lighters lit
Heat it up good
Take a hit quick

Suck a bit in
Fuck that shit
Taste like lighter fluid

Give it back to
That my bubble yo

Another rock now
Off my socks go

Weeks go by
In the corner crying

So another line
Paint the floor's sky

Snakes in the closet
Fans a helicopter

Neighbors call the cops
Window's open
Jimmy hopped out

Another friend gone
Nuthouse here I come

Rehab's full still
Off to home to chill

Mourn the loss bro
Buy another rock tho

Repeat it all again
Hoping next time it'll be my turn for the end

Miss_Sub
Miss_Sub
- Missy -
Tyrant of Words
United Kingdom
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Forum Posts: 9117

Hello Breanna

There’s a group here (cafe critique) on Deep Underground for helpful feedback. Perhaps check it out and post your poem there:

https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/groups/cafe-critique/discussion/

Sky_dancer
Sky_dancer
Inigo Montoya
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United Kingdom
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It's a personal piece about drugs and friends dying, so content is entirely personal, as is layout, I personally won't comment on that, it's just subjective preference.
It has potential to be a really good piece, really good, but...

Honestly, it could do with another going over for any errors in syntax and spelling errors. There are too many to point out but don't toss out the baby with the bathwater. I think that's ALL that needs fixing.

If this is a personal account, I'm so fucking sorry for your loss, man.


Ahavati
Ahavati
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I agree with sky. Some punctuation wouldn't hurt for emphasis and connectedness between lines.

For example:

Been so down— ( an em dash would work perfectly here )
So [are] down < remove are
Nearly rock bottom— ( another em dash for emphasis )
Lost most everything; ( a semi to connect it to L5 )
But( , ) not the rock I've just gotten ( I'd add in a comma for a brief pause )

If the above is considered, it would read as such:

Been so down—
so down
nearly rock bottom—
lost most everything;
but, not the rock I've just gotten

This first stanza really sets the tone for the verse. It draws the reader in and immediately lets them know this is an addiction poem, a song sung by many in today's world.  You could apply the above to each stanza.

As Sky, if it's personal I wish you well.  

JohnnyBlaze
JohnnyBlaze
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Ahavati said:I agree with sky. Some punctuation wouldn't hurt for emphasis and connectedness between lines.

For example:

Been so down— ( an em dash would work perfectly here )
So [are] down < remove are
Nearly rock bottom— ( another em dash for emphasis )
Lost most everything; ( a semi to connect it to L5 )
But( , ) not the rock I've just gotten ( I'd add in a comma for a brief pause )

If the above is considered, it would read as such:

Been so down—
so down
nearly rock bottom—
lost most everything;
but, not the rock I've just gotten

This first stanza really sets the tone for the verse. It draws the reader in and immediately lets them know this is an addiction poem, a song sung by many in today's world.  You could apply the above to each stanza.

As Sky, if it's personal I wish you well.  


Agreed. It really doesn't need much more. The story is there and straightforward. The everything gone except for the rock concept is solid. That's where all the money is at in the lyrics.


Ruized9sdivine
Ruized9sdivine
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Joined 22nd Feb 2020
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Really deep ! Thanks for the honesty about this affliction . More people should read this .

BreannaMSeymour91
BreannaMSeymour91
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Thank you so much! I wrote this about my actual experiences so that one day maybe my story might help someone else dealing with the same sickness.

kamen
kamen
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A rather unusual poem however I really enjoyed it. The rhythm of the poem enabled the flow to flow endlessly.

jessfh35
jessfh35
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I really enjoyed this! I agree with above comments that it could use some punctuation

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