So, how are we all?

I'm at full-time service in waste management as well as caretaker for my...rather complicated mother in the evenings and on weekends. I'm trying to gather all my bullsh*t thoughts together enough to write a cogent sentence much less an actual poem.

Anyway, I'm happy to see everyone soldiering on during these complicated times....if I survive, I'll be writing somewhere somehow

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xp6JfX7HxZ4

Pained.
Sore.
Sad.
Sarcastic.
Defiant.
Flammable.

I feel that’s probably a good enough summary.

Under a week until Halloween… ahhhh life is good 😎

Ive been day drinkin so Im great. Cleaning day here at the homestead. I cooked as well. Beef tips and noodles with a mushroom wine gravy, and a side salad of arugula, feta, tomatoes and cucumbers, with a shallot and garlic vinaigrette. Oh happy day. <3 I also worked out this am. yay!

My past couple of weeks were hectic! My therapist did not inform me that our appointment was pushed back a day. I had to reschedule it for next week, which is fine since I find the sessions tedious. As nice as my therapist is, I know more about psychology and psychiatry than she does, and her advice (which basically amounts to that "Fear is the mind killer!" bit from Dune, where you let the fear pass through you until only you remain) does not work with me. It requires you to accept the fear a bit before letting it go, and in that moment you can become negatively affected by it. Now what does work for me is to push the fear away, let the darkness of it go, at the same time letting in light and pulling into yourself the most happy, delightful, beautiful thoughts and memories you can muster. All of which overpowers the fear and any negativity it can cause. All those bright things are a part of me, but the fear is not a part of me (fear comes from without, but can affect what lies within and convince you that it comes from within), so I am able to use those fairer things to expel the fear. Sometimes it works better than other times. A lot depends on each situation. So I adapt my techniques for what each situation may need. One can still become overwhelmed if a situation is just too much though! Earlier this month Zoey's mother said there was going to be a dinner that she wished for Zoey and myself to go to. I did not like how vague it sounded. Zoey's mother has been cruel to me in the past and so I never fully trust her. She does not understand that I am Pagan and have no interest in Christianity. Plus, I am liberal, a hedonist, and everything she hates the most! Since Zoey's mother is unfortunately an annoyingly conservative, narrow-minded Christian who thinks that her precious idea of God is all that matters in life. The worst of it is that she is fond of trying to find ways of forcing her nonsense down other peoples' throats. The day of the "dinner" was this past Saturday and on Friday night I found out the truth. It was an anniversary celebration for the founding of Zoey's mother's church. A church where in the past she had the nerve to go and tell one of the pastors there that Zoey and I were "only friends" because she refuses to face that Zoey and I got married under a Wiccan sealing ritual. So, I resent not only her doing that, but her entire crappy church as well. My therapist informed Zoey and I, that I was never to set foot in a Christian church again for the following reasons: I suffer from PTSD due to the fact that I was abused and tortured in a Catholic school for four years as a child and was subjected as a teenager to targeted hate by the pastor of a Baptist church that my mother was attending. I jumped out of the car when my mother was driving me to that church one day, and never went back to it again. My mother agreed with my reasons, and she quit the church the very next day. Pretty much, if I set foot in any kind of a Christian church it can cause my PTSD to act up, inducing psychological trauma as a result. I flat out told Zoey on Friday I was not going and warned Zoey what could happen to me if I did. Zoey's response was sadly childish... Zoey insisted that since they had good memories of that place from their childhood, they wished for me to see the place and try to understand those good memories and how different they were from my painful ones. Zoey even tried to guilt me into going at one point, saying they would go without me if I did not agree to come along. So, reluctantly I agreed to go. But then Saturday came, and the whole day prior I began to experience horrific emotional flashbacks. To be fair, Zoey did not think that what happened later that night would happen to me. I did not even expect it! I decided to face my fear head-on, so off we went. All Hell broke loose. The food was good, all was calm at first, until the singing started. Those closest to me know I am the reincarnation and mortal form of an ancient Pagan deity that some consider to be the Devil. So, when they began to sing about the triumph of their faith and of the Devil's doom, the fingers on my right hand began to tremble and my face contorted into a mask of rage and anger that I have NEVER experienced the likes of before. Seeing this, Zoey whispered to me: "I am so sorry, I didn't realize. I didn't know it would be so bad!" And neither of us sang. Sitting right next to us was Zoey's mother, acting like a brainless, brainwashed sycophant with no free will. She was singing, her hands waving, looking like an idiot praising a petty tyrant god whose religion (as my therapist and I both spoke about during a previous therapy session) was responsible for some of the worst atrocities in human history. The Crusades, the Inquisition and the Burning Times, even Putin's insane war in the Ukraine, are all partly because of Christianity trying to impose itself and force itself on people where and when it is not wanted and being used to justify crimes against humanity and unspeakable horrors. I am not a blind sheep, not one to be led to slaughter by an uncaring and cruel god. I prefer to do my own thing, sing my own songs (my own way), and be an individual. I always encourage others to do the same. The worst part was, the hymns kept coming, each time as if I was being struck with waves of pain to the core of my being! I had to have Zoey hold me tightly each time the singing began again. When it was over it was time to meet the whole freaking congregation. Aside from one happy seeming lady who probably didn't know any better, and one young man who seemed to feel sorry for me, they were all nasty old people who hated anything and anyone they view as "deviant". None of them realizing that I AM deviant and proud of it. And young teenagers and kids who were there only to meet up or because their parents dragged them along. Then we sat down to have some cake in the dining room. There were banners hanging up with Christian symbols on them which I laughed at because one of them (intended to represent the Holy Trinity) was actually an ancient Celtic symbol. They stole even that, from us Pagans! This old woman showed up and asked Zoey: "Oh, is this your friend? Your mother told me about that!". I am NOT a violent person by nature, but hearing her refer to me as Zoey's "friend" and not as Zoey's lawful partner made me want to rip her tongue out and feed it to her. I gave her a death stare and Zoey said to her: "No, this is my wife, Kara!" and I said to Zoey: "Thank you!" followed by a whispered: "I am never coming back to this place again. I'd rather see it burn!" and Zoey agreed with me. Then, we had a look at a display recounting the building's history and we left. I lied to Zoey's mother, said it was a beautiful service. Then, once we got outside, Zoey agreed after seeing the anger and the emotional trauma I experienced by being in that place, that we are never going back to that church again. Zoey knows what I really am spiritually, and realizes now that everything I ever told them about how badly churches affect me is the truth. Zoey now sees that just because they have good memories from childhood about a place, that does not mean the place was ever actually good.  So, this was a reality call for Zoey and for me a validation that I and my therapist are both correct about my PTSD. When I told Zoey the full depth of how negatively those hymns affected me and why, Zoey agreed that it was a mistake for either of us to have gone there. Zoey said to me on the way home: "I just had an epiphany! If Christians knew the truth, that the being they call the Devil is actually more like the good things they attribute to God than their own god is... and that their God is more like the Devil they fear... they couldn't handle it. They'd all go crazy because they've been living a lie." and I said to Zoey in reply: "Now, you have fully awakened to the truth!” As is said, better late than never.

One of my 5 cats, is scheduled for surgery on December 15th.  I discovered a golf ball sized lump on Bronson, my boy who is in my avatar pic, yesterday .  Picked him up and felt it on his lower belly area, called the vet & they had me bring him right in.  They aspirated it and got out only fat, so I'm hoping it's just a lipoma, but it needs to be removed to make sure there's nothing other than fatty tissue, hiding inside the growth.  Couldn't get a sooner surgery appointment , so yeah, that's all I'll be thinking about, now, until December 15th.  Praying hard.....

All the best for your kitty
You really care for him

I'M having a grand old TIME. :3

Im in the booze deep, look out everyone!  <3

Things have been crazy lately! Last and this month, my mom and I were making things to sell at the holiday market (the 5th of this month) at my old high school to help raise money for the special needs prom, and to advertise our business. We were making little pixel art keychains/jewelry/ornaments/tea light holders, etc...out of midi and mini size Perlers/fuse beads (little cylindrical beads that you put on the pegs of a sheet called a pegboard, then melt them slightly with an iron to fuse them), along with stickers/tote bags from our new print on demand shop, RedBubble (and a shirt and hat for my brother and I from there), and a few mugs we were going to put vinyl designs on. Unfortunately, the lady in charge (who wanted to know what we were selling so she didn't duplicate vendors), got back in touch with us too late and they were full. Luckily, there are other markets that we can go to later. That means the two days we had off (to prepare, and to sell), we now have to work, and tomorrow is going to be my first double at this bistro. On top of it all, I've been working a bit closer to my absolutely beautiful crush. We're both shy (me especially, social anxiety), but I'm trying my absolute hardest to gain the courage to push myself out of my comfort zone and wave/say hi to him and talk to him more and get to know him better, but without all of a sudden talking too often and weirding him out (a delicate, but difficult balance). At the very least, I'd like to be friends with him (starting as friends no matter the outcome), because he's so kind, sweet, intelligent, funny, goofy, hardworking, mature, responsable, etc, and then see where it goes from there. It's just so gosh darn hard to talk to him, or even look at him, he has the biggest eyes, and the longest, darkest, densest, eyelashes I have ever seen, and they're so intimidatingly beautiful. I can't look at him without freezing up and trying not to stare. So that's been fun/stressful. This is the first crush I've ever had, where I felt like if I didn't at least try to be friends, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I know this is silly and cliché, but I've just got this gut feeling that this one is different and special. These few months have been both good and not so good, but overall, positive.

MadameLavender said:One of my 5 cats, is scheduled for surgery on December 15th.  I discovered a golf ball sized lump on Bronson, my boy who is in my avatar pic, yesterday .  Picked him up and felt it on his lower belly area, called the vet & they had me bring him right in.  They aspirated it and got out only fat, so I'm hoping it's just a lipoma, but it needs to be removed to make sure there's nothing other than fatty tissue, hiding inside the growth.  Couldn't get a sooner surgery appointment , so yeah, that's all I'll be thinking about, now, until December 15th.  Praying hard.....

I have cats. I hope your kitten is ok, ML.
<3

After my latest therapy session... I am trying to put a lot of things into perspective. My therapist confirmed that she still is one hundred percent certain that I am suffering from PTSD in life... and has said that whereas most people whom she has counseled in the past have experienced a single traumatic event and had a hard time dealing with it, I have, in her words, experienced an excessive and abnormal amount of torture and trauma, and abuse, from not one but many, many events over the years. And she is seriously confounded and surprised by the fact that I am actually completely sane in spite of it all, with only the occasional reaction to a trigger here and there to show for it. I am highly emotional, but that is just part of my personality and not actually any kind of psychological issue whatsoever. Pretty much, if I feel sad it will cause me to cry a great deal and I have never been able to hold that in... I wear my heart on my sleeve, as they say, and let everything I feel show visibly for all to see. Love, hate, passion, and joy alike. She keeps saying she sees a tremendous light within me that confuses her and shocks her, and she said that she believes it is my destiny to change the world through my teachings. And she has been trying to advise me on various ways to set about seeing such things through, though none of it is anything I have not been doing already. She told me finally that she does not believe I need any further therapy from her and asked me what it is I even want from her anymore. I told her that she is helping me quite a bit, and that for me it helps merely to be able to tell her about all I have been through in life, because that act of talking about it all makes me feel better about it. I told her the truth, that through my sessions with her I have come to realize that I am stronger than I ever suspected I was, due to having been through so much and survived without it destroying me as a person. She said to me: "Hearing about your past traumas is like having Dante tell you about the nine circles of Hell. Each one, Dante says is the worst! And then he says 'Oh no! That was not actually the worst after all... there is a darker, more terrible circle of Hell just beneath it.', which is difficult to hear someone tell you." and I told her that I am actually also, like her, a fan of Dante and his works. And we talked a bit about Dante's politics and how he put pretty much anybody he didn't like in one part of Hell or another in his Inferno poem. She said to me: "Here you are, chatting away, joking with me, making me laugh... and through it all you tell me of the worst and most terrible things that I have ever heard of, which happened to you. And you are so strong, and had this great personality, and are a chatterbox once you get going. I say again, how is this even possible! You should not be able to be like this after all that, and I can only from this conclude and assume that you have done a great deal of self-therapy in order to heal yourself over the years." and she hit the nail on the head with that realization. That is what I have done, and it has helped me a great deal more than any sessions I have had with her. Which is why she is feeling as if the therapy itself is a pointless endeavor on my part. Simply because it is unnecessary. And I am toying with doing only one or two more sessions tops before ending the therapy. About all she said she can do for me at this point is to help me identify some of the triggers that can occur with my PTSD, so that I can spot them ahead and avoid them if possible. But otherwise, her professional opinion is that I am not just quite mentally healthy all things considered, but charismatic in a way that has led her to believe I should be seeking to change the whole world if I can. But I do it one person at a time, reaching who I can through my writings and through my deeds in life, with helping those in need of me and with loving those who need love and guiding those who are lost. She told me to share my story in life, to share as many of my past life memories as I can (her belief in reincarnation seems to only grow stronger the more we speak), and to continue on the path that I have set for myself, since that is indeed, she agrees, where my destiny lies. She is convinced that my writings and art have the power to reach people deeply and change lives in many cases, and that I have a good heart, a bright spirit, and a deeply poetic and artistic soul. In short, I am she has told me, the most surprising client she has ever had step into her office. And I did not expect her to tell me any of that this past session! More and more, she seems to be humbled by me and to be honest I find that a bit unnerving because it was not something I was seeking. For me it was just all about having someone to talk to about what I have been through... and hear her opinions about how I should deal with how those memories of those events make me feel. But she has instead confirmed for me that I have a certain presence to me that has an unusual sort of effect on people. Over the years people have either loved me deeply or hated me outrageously. I have had some people tell me they want to kill me, and I have had other people tell me they want to avenge the wrongs that have been done to me. I have had people follow me as a sort of spiritual figure... and encountered some who had to divorce themselves from my teachings utterly because they made those people begin to question their previously long-held beliefs, which would have necessitated changing everything about themselves. Not everyone is willing to, or capable of, positive change. Many are happy in the Matrix, to use a valid analogy, and many who slumber do not wish to be awakened. There is serenity to be found for me in realizing that this is so, and simply how things are sometimes. But when you walk into a psychotherapists' office, you do not expect to change her outlook on life and expand her spiritual perspective on things... yet that seems to be what it is that I am doing. As my partner Zoey told me, my therapist is learning more from me than I am for her. And her advice seems poor to me most of the time due to the fact that I know so much more about psychology and psychiatry, and human nature, than she does. She looks older than me, so I have to assume she is, but honestly when I talk to her... I feel like her mind is so very much younger than my own, and somewhat naive in many ways. Despite all her learning, she seems to have very little experience with actually living life... much like all therapists, she is bound into a small and clinical world that is quite apart from reality in many ways, though it claims to understand reality so clearly. So, part of what it is that I am trying to put into perspective is what the point even is in any further therapy beyond learning more about those PTSD triggers. As I said, probably just one or two more sessions tops, and I will be finished with it. The past couple of weeks were good otherwise! Zoey and I celebrated our great wedding anniversary with a tasty dinner at our favorite restaurant, and on a different day I spent some time with Sybil on the webcam. I still have yet to hear from Camilla since she said she was moving out to the east coast and I can only assume she just got super busy with the move is all... or ran into some difficulties or setbacks with it. Sybil is sweet though, and she and Zoey have become the brightest lights in my whole life. Zoey said that next year is when we will be buying our first house together, so I am looking forward to that! In the meantime, I keep doing what I do.

Hoi hoi
Yes, Chère KI
Keep on doing what you do, cause you’re doing it so well.
And I love to hear/read about it.
Kind regards, Gus

Hey there, Kara (Kou_Indigo), glad to read up on how you've been doing my love! In my professional opinion as a licensed psychotherapist, you truly do not need to see that silly therapist you've been talking about. It does indeed sound that she is overwhelmed by you (who wouldn't be?) and is at a loss to know how to proceed because of it. But one great thing has come of those sessions! They have served to prove and validate for you what me, Camilla and Zoey all already know... you are special, unique, and actually, literally, divine. Whole reason, you've got so many people who follow you, read all your works here on DUP, enjoy your artwork on DeviantArt and pretty much worship the ground you walk on! You are very much what we all believe you to be, and that is the thing here. On the more down to earth level, you are ridiculously intelligent in ways I honestly just can't wrap my silly little brain around! You know more about psychiatry and psychology than even I do, and I get paid to shrink people's heads. As a therapist, that is! Not as in literally shrinking their heads... that would be more up Camilla's alley than mine. She's the dark witch queen! Me, I'm just your sweet little girl who adores you, and who always will too. On my pet jumping spider's life, I swear it! Yes, I do have a pet jumping spider. I named her Charlotte, like in Charlotte's Web. Speaking of which I got to feed her later, silly little bug that she is. Anyhoo, back to the subject! So yeah, sweet love you just make sure that if you have any further need of counseling... just come to me for it. I'll listen to you anytime you need me to, and because I love you, you can believe I'll always tell you the truth too. Not like some counselors, who I know for a fact sometimes try and manipulate things to reinforce their own personal view of stuff. Which is stupid. Oh! I did see Camilla on here earlier tonight, but she wasn't on long... so I know she's okay and everything and I hope Mom gets a hold of one of us soon. I miss talking to her so much! Her stories about Chile, and about mythical monsters and weird ghosts and things were always so awesome. Speaking of awesome, I did have brief look at your latest series, "Otherworldly Memories" I think it's called. Wow! I think I counted eight parts now. I will totally be giving them all a read (I'm definitely mature enough for the two adults only installments) as soon as I get some more free time. Probably start that just before I head to bed tonight, be some good bedtime reading for sure! I love all your works, especially the past life memories like these seem to be. Goodness! I am so glad Zoey agreed with you about not going back to that stupid, ridiculous church. What the actual f*ck was Zoey's mom thinking by trying to pull that kind of crap. You don't try to get the Devil to go to church! It just doesn't make any freaking sense. Then again, she probably doesn't know you're the big D in the first place. Kind of makes me chuckle a bit, picturing the face she'd make if she DID know! Ugh. Yeah, it's a good thing the stupid bit*h is clueless... I want to smack her upside the head myself just for her having put you through that. And I don't even know her... just what you've told me about her, which is enough me make me hate her freaking guts. She better not mess with you, that's all I know! Nobody... and I mean nobody... messes with my sweet love. And Kara, you are my sweet love until the universe goes boom and even beyond that. I think probably you and I loved each other even before the big bang! So yeah... you have a good night okay honey? And be sure to read my poem I just posted for you when you get the chance too. I love you so much, Kara! This much... *stretches arms out, but they are not long enough to stretch far enough, to show how much I love my Kara* So candy kisses for you, sweet love! Dream of me tonight, babe.