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Weird shit and nothing else

Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 17awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 475

Nevermindthegaps said:

After all the years of charging up, should we all get blast suits and pray? could it be classified as a W.M.D?

(I’ll throw myself out)


AHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAA.... that was the best thing I read today.

OMG! MAGS! YOU NEED A COSTUME FOR YOUR VAG! WMD, baybee!

It you get a little leotard for yours, I'll get a cape for mine.

We can be supertwats together!

Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 17awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 475

Strangeways_Rob said:Watersports should be confined to wind-surfing, canoeing et all. She was a right charmer. Wanted me to wee in her mouth and then, for dessert, poo on here. I vehemently refused. She lightened the mood by banging on the windows and screaming "rape." Exit sharply. But here lies the rub. She was the niece of the Head of PR where I worked.

Met a fair few deviants over the years, best left to the sewers of memory. This was particularly, or more specific, weird shit.


You are Strange because Rob is already Robs. Just want to clarify that.

So, Strange, I am with you on the no toilet-y stuff kink. You get an honorable mention.  

poet Anonymous

Betty said:

You are Strange because Rob is already Robs. Just want to clarify that.

So, Strange, I am with you on the no toilet-y stuff kink. You get an honorable mention.  


Anything but Bob.

Not sure if any UK members will remember the short lived craze of "dwarf throwing" in night clubs. It was kind of regulated (well, Snow White's army were given helmets and there were crash mates). It was wrong for all kinds of reasons. Just wrong & I remain embarrassed by launching a human being in a Blackpool nightclub. For sporting records, however, I did reach a distance over eight feet and was awarded a free cocktail

Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 17awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 475

Strangeways_Rob said:

Anything but Bob.

Not sure if any UK members will remember the short lived craze of "dwarf throwing" in night clubs. It was kind of regulated (well, Snow White's army were given helmets and there were crash mates). It was wrong for all kinds of reasons. Just wrong & I remain embarrassed by launching a human being in a Blackpool nightclub. For sporting records, however, I did reach a distance over eight feet and was awarded a free cocktail


What about Bobert? Can I call you Bobert?

Dude… you threw small people?!

Eh, fuck, I’m already going to hell. Might as well laugh. But you don’t beat Lav.

Magdalena
Spartalena
Tyrant of Words
Wales 62awards
Joined 21st Apr 2012
Forum Posts: 2993

Betty said:



OMG! MAGS! YOU NEED A COSTUME FOR YOUR VAG! WMD, baybee!

It you get a little leotard for yours, I'll get a cape for mine.

We can be supertwats together!


Betty, that's hilarious 🤪🤣


MadameLavender
Guardian of Shadows
United States 88awards
Joined 17th Feb 2013
Forum Posts: 5610

Betty said:

Eh, fuck, I’m already going to hell. Might as well laugh. But you don’t beat Lav.


Gotta keep that first place spot, so here's another, not from the lab, but from a job in a fabric store, that I had back in the mid 1980's.

Said fabric store was across the parking lot from a Chinese food restaurant & lounge,called "Singapore" which is still here today , but in the 1970's & 80's it was a massive pick up joint , and every one used to call it "Sling-a-whore".

Keep that in mind, as we jump to the fabric store across the parking lot:  in those days, staff was all females and so were the customers.  Men never would be seen in a fabric store unless they were one of the exceptions like the gay guys who bought embroidery thread or the Elvis impersonator who bought silk fabric each week to make scarves to give away during his act. It just wasn't macho to be a guy in that store.

So remembering the reputation of Singapore and the taboo aspect of men in fabric stores during that time period , one day when I was working, a man came in, that wasn't one of our regular exceptions.  He looked very nervous and was looking around to make sure no one saw him because he was a guy in a fabric store.  

He came up to the counter, nearly sweating, and asked me " Excuse me, can you tell me where I can get felt?"

Being the quick thinking warped sense of humor person I was (and still am), I said to him:

"I'm sorry sir-- we don't offer that service here, but if you go across the parking lot to the Singapore, I'm sure they can help you out."

Well !  He turned about 50 shades of red, got all embarrassed and flustered and said "No! No! My wife sent me in to buy felt to put under a lamp so it won't scratch the table ! Oh my God"

(He was laughing though )

I said "Yeah , i figured it was something like that , but I couldn't resist that slip.  Felt's against the back wall over there

. "





poet Anonymous

<< post removed >>
MadameLavender
Guardian of Shadows
United States 88awards
Joined 17th Feb 2013
Forum Posts: 5610

And here's one more :

Christmas 1984, when I was a senior in high school, a bunch of us decided it would be fun to go Christmas caroling .  We ended up with about 20 of us kids in the group, and met up at the house of the one who coordinated the afternoon. All bundled up in our winter coats , we started walking around the neighborhood, singing Christmas songs.  A few of the people were in the high school band, and brought their drums and  horns to add to the singing.

It was a fun time with friends and people opened their doors when they heard us and clapped, smiled and thanked us, until we got to one particular house....

We were having so much fun singing , we didn't hear the massive yelling fight, the couple inside were having, and when we were right in front of their house, the guy inside opened the window and screamed at us

"Shut the fuck up!!"

Then he threw a block of cheese at us, slammed the window shut and went back to the fight with his wife .  We were a bit dumbfounded but decided, hey, why waste a perfectly good cheese block, so we picked it out of the snow , took it with us and ate it with crackers and hot chocolate after we were done caroling.

Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 17awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 475

Anonymous said:<< post removed >>

And you are strangely quiet feral... what weird shit do you have lurking under YOUR bed? Never had shit thrown at you? No cystic chicken? No waxing mishaps? Never killed or maimed anyone with your junk?

Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 17awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 475

MadameLavender said:And here's one more :

Christmas 1984, when I was a senior in high school, a bunch of us decided it would be fun to go Christmas caroling .  We ended up with about 20 of us kids in the group, and met up at the house of the one who coordinated the afternoon. All bundled up in our winter coats , we started walking around the neighborhood, singing Christmas songs.  A few of the people were in the high school band, and brought their drums and  horns to add to the singing.

It was a fun time with friends and people opened their doors when they heard us and clapped, smiled and thanked us, until we got to one particular house....

We were having so much fun singing , we didn't hear the massive yelling fight, the couple inside were having, and when we were right in front of their house, the guy inside opened the window and screamed at us

"Shut the fuck up!!"

Then he threw a block of cheese at us, slammed the window shut and went back to the fight with his wife .  We were a bit dumbfounded but decided, hey, why waste a perfectly good cheese block, so we picked it out of the snow , took it with us and ate it with crackers and hot chocolate after we were done caroling.


Sorry -- I was tired as shit and you were being obnoxious.

I WANT MY FUCKING CHEESE BACK!

(Sorry, that was maybe one of my favorites, Lav. Like... a block of fucking CHEESE?! That's... amazing.)

ATTENTION! ATTENTION ALL... Madam Lav has kicked our asses in weird.

All Hail The Queen.

poet Anonymous

Another from the vault

Around 2007 I had the fortune of being sent to work in the city

The club we were in was about 500 yards from a xxx sex shop, (#foreshadowing)

The night was busy, grinding bodies,
the usual drugs and short skirts
testosterone fuelled dicks
and morons like me paid to try and keep thing more or less civil

There was a guy in the club I knew from my regular cess-pool, Danny, now Danny is a window licker at best, however his whole life has been manual labouring jobs, so he has the ground into the bones strength, the kind that scares you when you first encounter it, it’s wirey and feels fathomless.

To top it off Danny was the type of person suffering from what appeared to be bipolar disorder, I.e he could be petting a kitten exclaiming how cute it is before snapping the end of his beer bottle off and stabbing you 55times before dropping back down, laughing at how much it tickles when the pussy is licking him,  he’d probably turn around and ask if he should lick the pussy back (#special)

One of the other guards notice old mate Danny was drunk as fuck,

they cut him off and tried to walk him out

I was stuck on VIP room duties and couldn’t leave my station, I radioed the boss to ask if they’d let me handle Danny because I knew him…

The boss being a total fuckwit told me to shut the fuck up and do what I do best stand there look big, dumb and intimidating they’d handle Danny….

Fuckwit 1 boss
Fuckwit 2  Liam (#nothisrealname)

tried to get Danny out by force straight off the bay, Fuckwit 2 Liam pretended to try and talk to Danny politely while fuckwit 1 blindsided him and they proceeded to make fools of themselves

Danny fought tooth and nail all the way to the door, they knocked into and injured a couple of people before they got him outside.

After a few minutes I got a little concerned, neither one had come back in, and neither one had radioed

I’d thrown Danny out multiple times
he normally fought like a demon until he was outside, then he staggered off into the night pin-balling off of every inanimate object that happened to get in his path.

After ten minutes I tried radioing Liam and Boss, got nothing,

Being as I’m a kind and compassionate person I decided to grab one of the bar staff to watch the VIP room for a few minutes…

Waded through a sea of people,
shit music and ass smelling smoke before I made it to the front door…..

Danny was out the front

I let Danny go, told him to run along, he smiled thanked me and brought me a coke next time I saw him at my regular…..

Fuckwit 1 and 2 were unconscious, there were a crowd of people standing around them laughing (#theyfuckingdeservedit)

Danny had apparently wandered up to the sex shop brought an approximately 15inch double ended dildo and beaten fuckwit 1 and 2 unconscious then looped the thing between their belts….

I rolled over Boss and he had a swelling contusion on his left cheek in a similar shape as the end of a cock…..Fuckwit 2 was much luckier his bruising wasn’t as distinct

They’re were forever dubbed

The double-dongs at staff meetings

poet Anonymous

The Asian Toss

I was sent to work on one of the busiest
fucking hell holes my state has to offer
2 stories and about 8 rooms of wall to wall debauchery
Doof, doof music
RnB
Techno
each room was insulated so the music didn’t carry between them,

3 security guards per room, 150 people room capacity

I got stuck in the RnB room or as we liked to call it china town 3 because it was where the asians congregated. (#casualracism,beforeitwasathing)

At the time I was able to clean and snatch 80kilo dumbbells so I was built like a truck and 6ft2

Asians tend to be on average a smaller people (#dontshootthestatistician) and not weight anywhere near as much, so I stood out like bulldogs balls….

A fight ensues
One Asian falls atop another (#thatwasntatheyalllookalikejoke)

The guy on top starts beating the poor fellow on the bottom as if he’d just finger banged his sister and asked if she smelt fishy…..

I waded through the sea of people to reach down and grab the belt of the guy on top and went to drag him backwards…. He may have weighed 50 kilos……

I threw him backwards over my head for him to collide with the wall and be knocked unconscious like a rag doll…

Next thing it was like a bunch 8th graders trying to tear down a giant, I think I knocked out 4 of them with opened handed slaps, my oldest daughter would put up more of a fight….

So needless to say I got fired for excessive violence and congratulated for tossing an Asian about 2metres and knocking him out (#putonsomeweight)

MadameLavender
Guardian of Shadows
United States 88awards
Joined 17th Feb 2013
Forum Posts: 5610

Betty said:

Sorry -- I was tired as shit and you were being obnoxious.

I WANT MY FUCKING CHEESE BACK!

(Sorry, that was maybe one of my favorites, Lav. Like... a block of fucking CHEESE?! That's... amazing."

ATTENTION! ATTENTION ALL... Madam Lav has kicked our asses in weird.

All Hail The Queen.


Hmm, I don't know... Mags may have kicked ass with her one story and the rest of us are scrambling to keep up & get ahead....I only had someone die during a blood draw , & she nearly banged a guy to death! 😁

Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 17awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 475

Nevermindthegaps said:Another from the vault

Around 2007 I had the fortune of being sent to work in the city

The club we were in was about 500 yards from a xxx sex shop, (#foreshadowing)

The night was busy, grinding bodies,
the usual drugs and short skirts
testosterone fuelled dicks
and morons like me paid to try and keep thing more or less civil

There was a guy in the club I knew from my regular cess-pool, Danny, now Danny is a window licker at best, however his whole life has been manual labouring jobs, so he has the ground into the bones strength, the kind that scares you when you first encounter it, it’s wirey and feels fathomless.

To top it off Danny was the type of person suffering from what appeared to be bipolar disorder, I.e he could be petting a kitten exclaiming how cute it is before snapping the end of his beer bottle off and stabbing you 55times before dropping back down, laughing at how much it tickles when the pussy is licking him,  he’d probably turn around and ask if he should lick the pussy back (#special)

One of the other guards notice old mate Danny was drunk as fuck,

they cut him off and tried to walk him out

I was stuck on VIP room duties and couldn’t leave my station, I radioed the boss to ask if they’d let me handle Danny because I knew him…

The boss being a total fuckwit told me to shut the fuck up and do what I do best stand there look big, dumb and intimidating they’d handle Danny….

Fuckwit 1 boss
Fuckwit 2  Liam (#nothisrealname)

tried to get Danny out by force straight off the bay, Fuckwit 2 Liam pretended to try and talk to Danny politely while fuckwit 1 blindsided him and they proceeded to make fools of themselves

Danny fought tooth and nail all the way to the door, they knocked into and injured a couple of people before they got him outside.

After a few minutes I got a little concerned, neither one had come back in, and neither one had radioed

I’d thrown Danny out multiple times
he normally fought like a demon until he was outside, then he staggered off into the night pin-balling off of every inanimate object that happened to get in his path.

After ten minutes I tried radioing Liam and Boss, got nothing,

Being as I’m a kind and compassionate person I decided to grab one of the bar staff to watch the VIP room for a few minutes…

Waded through a sea of people,
shit music and ass smelling smoke before I made it to the front door…..

Danny was out the front

I let Danny go, told him to run along, he smiled thanked me and brought me a coke next time I saw him at my regular…..

Fuckwit 1 and 2 were unconscious, there were a crowd of people standing around them laughing (#theyfuckingdeservedit)

Danny had apparently wandered up to the sex shop brought an approximately 15inch double ended dildo and beaten fuckwit 1 and 2 unconscious then looped the thing between their belts….

I rolled over Boss and he had a swelling contusion on his left cheek in a similar shape as the end of a cock…..Fuckwit 2 was much luckier his bruising wasn’t as distinct

They’re were forever dubbed

The double-dongs at staff meetings


Shit, took you long enough to get to the ‘beat with dildo’

I did not laugh at that shit at all. (That is a lie. I did. I just don’t want to encourage Aussies Telling 2 Hour Stories That Should Have Taken 5 Minutes Volume 27.)

I still think Lav is leading. Someone threw cheese at her. That is funny shit.

Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 17awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 475

Nevermindthegaps said:The Asian Toss

I was sent to work on one of the busiest
fucking hell holes my state has to offer
2 stories and about 8 rooms of wall to wall debauchery
Doof, doof music
RnB
Techno
each room was insulated so the music didn’t carry between them,

3 security guards per room, 150 people room capacity

I got stuck in the RnB room or as we liked to call it china town 3 because it was where the asians congregated. (#casualracism,beforeitwasathing)

At the time I was able to clean and snatch 80kilo dumbbells so I was built like a truck and 6ft2

Asians tend to be on average a smaller people (#dontshootthestatistician) and not weight anywhere near as much, so I stood out like bulldogs balls….

A fight ensues
One Asian falls atop another (#thatwasntatheyalllookalikejoke)

The guy on top starts beating the poor fellow on the bottom as if he’d just finger banged his sister and asked if she smelt fishy…..

I waded through the sea of people to reach down and grab the belt of the guy on top and went to drag him backwards…. He may have weighed 50 kilos……

I threw him backwards over my head for him to collide with the wall and be knocked unconscious like a rag doll…

Next thing it was like a bunch 8th graders trying to tear down a giant, I think I knocked out 4 of them with opened handed slaps, my oldest daughter would put up more of a fight….

So needless to say I got fired for excessive violence and congratulated for tossing an Asian about 2metres and knocking him out (#putonsomeweight)


(pinches bridge of nose with thumb and forefinger)

(To self) Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

So.  Strange cornered the people-toss  market. But thank you for providing another novel.

I still believe Lav still owns it, followed by fellow SuperTwat Mags.


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