Content Warning : Do you want to continue?
This forum post contains content which some readers may find disturbing.
It is unsuitable for children or anyone who is easily offended.
YES
I am over 18 years old, I have been warned and I still want to read this forum post.
NO
I don't want to read this type of content, take me back to the previous page.
Go to page:

Weird shit and nothing else

Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 17awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 475

Nevermindthegaps said:

Beings as I’m a wordy bastard and like to keep people in suspense, I’ll get round to the rest hopefully later today,


"keep people in suspense" = attention 'ho

What?!

I didn't say that.

It was Robert.

robert43041
Viking
Tyrant of Words
Canada 43awards
Joined 30th July 2020
Forum Posts: 918

Oh but this was told me by a nurse, sweets.      There was also the funny one about a couple who made love in the lake........so they got stuck to each other.  No way to get loose.  So they ended up like that on the stretcher and to the hospital.  The only way to get them separated was for the doctor to insert finger in one anus.  The woman's I suppose, but I wasn't there....

Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 17awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 475

robert43041 said:Oh but this was told me by a nurse, sweets.      There was also the funny one about a couple who made love in the lake........so they got stuck to each other.  No way to get loose.  So they ended up like that on the stretcher and to the hospital.  The only way to get them separated was for the doctor to insert finger in one anus.  The woman's I suppose, but I wasn't there....

I mean that cure doesn't sound so bad... two in the pink, one in the stink, amIright?
(Please don't ban me from my own thread)

Good weird shit, Robs. A finger in the butt is always a good story.

I think Lav is still kicking all of our asses in sheer weird-shitness.  

robert43041
Viking
Tyrant of Words
Canada 43awards
Joined 30th July 2020
Forum Posts: 918

Ya.  She's top. But we must keep.....digging

Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 17awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 475

robert43041 said:Ya.  She's top. But we must keep.....digging

Digging... after the finger-in-the-butt...  ROOOOBBBBBSSS! (That was funny as shit)




crimsin
Unveiling
Tyrant of Words
United States 123awards
Joined 25th Jan 2011
Forum Posts: 2645

this isn't necessarily weird but very fond memories for me... when I was seventeen some flamboyant gay men lived upstairs from me they would have dress offs man they were beautiful and man they were funny they would cap on the most popular one saying his bedroom door was a revolving door... anyway on my daughters second birthday they threw her a surprise party wherever you guys are I love you  💕

Magdalena
Spartalena
Tyrant of Words
Wales 62awards
Joined 21st Apr 2012
Forum Posts: 2993

Betty said:

GIRLFRIEND! For good reason! You can't just go wielding that thing willy-nilly!

With great power comes great responsibility.

(I'm totally in awe of your Golden Vag. Mine's kind of like, a dirty copper... maybe aluminum.)




I have no intention of ever letting my ninja come out to play again, virtually or in real life.  
But, never say never

poet Anonymous

Magdalena said:



I have no intention of ever letting my ninja come out to play again, virtually or in real life.  
But, never say never


After all the years of charging up, should we all get blast suits and pray? could it be classified as a W.M.D?

(I’ll throw myself out)

poet Anonymous

Whilst on the delightful topic of fecal mattter…
In the great beyond of pubs and clubs I used to work at there’s a tale from way back in 2005 where I was freshly minted the new Head of Security, I’d been in the role for about 6months, when we had an incident in the bar….

Ex-pro surfer, strong build, stocky, maybe 5ft10, he was drunker than that one uncle that gets handsy every reunion.

We had a new guard on shift we dubbed him King Julian from the movie Madagascar because he had a stripe of purple colour through the centre of his head. He looked like a lemur, stood on his viewing box (dude never should have been there) they’d send the newbies to us to test their mettle because we worked in the asshole of the south, all the shit congregated there.

Other guards on shift senior security guard and my second in command, code named Condor (Jim)

badly damaged mouthy mother fucker he liked to be touched in all the wrong places. His MO was to smile politely with friendly placating hand gestures for the camera whilst telling the drunk patron how hard he was going to bang the guys mother and that he preferred when they struggled when he did it. earned the nick name for asking an odd question like do you prefer your anal with chillies or without, then striking whilst said patron was confused questioning their life choices and wether anal was actually any good with chilli (#bestmateskindaadick)

Senior security Guard code name Glowworm because of the shiny bald patch on top of his head the glowed a strange luminescent sheen in the pale pub lighting, reminiscent of the toy that acted as a nightlight for young children, you however would not tuck this psychopathic buzzsaw of oddity in with your children at night motherfucker was odd and hilarious (#afteraruninwithapublictoiletsprayedhisassholeandnutswithglen20)

Myself
the fearless leader, nick named Ping after a panda that looked cute and cuddly but took a dislike to a person taking photos of him, mauled the poor guy then sat back down to eat his bamboo like it was nothing to pretzel a motherfucker so bad he needed to spend a few months in hospital to recover… (#pandasarefucked)….

Upon receiving a report from the bar staff that ex surfer was too pissed to figure out that throwing straws at staff and making lewd comments was the furthest thing from cute and endearing, I engaged with Condor and said,

you take King Julian get him to nut-up and try and talk this guy out, I want you ready in case he flips it, and I’ll run secondary defence in case he knocks you the fuck out, you broke down old fuck……..

Surfer guy was surfing the waves of intoxication so hard he almost ate tiles when he threw a straw at Little Jas the glassy, (little Jas was know for asking a chick during sex who is your daddy, triggering a severe trauma response in the poor woman because her dad had died in a car accident while she was in the car #iforgethowfuckedwewere)
Who’s Your daddy Jas yelled at intoxicated surfer monkey

“You’re fucked, get the fuck out”

Which was the cue for your ragtag group of loveable knuckle-dragers to heroically save the day (#theatrics)

King Julian moves in with the authority of a sea slug, and politely asks our jovial friend if he could please depart the premises
(#ain’t no one listening to that shit)

It goes way the fuck south, surfer boy decides to ride the waves of purple locks in king Julian’s hair with a right hook sent from retard land, good thing surfie was drunk of Julian would’ve been in a pickle!

Condor swooped in with the grace of a raptor in flight, grabbed surferboys left arm and commenced the it’s-time-to-go-fuckwit tango, Julian had recovered from his wake up call that this shit is for keeps, not some play acting job as a security guard at a fucking mall. He leaps in with all the force a lemur can muster and grabs surfies right arm, and in that moment the triumph in his eyes was quickly snuffed out, because old mate the ex surfer was actually strong as fuck, proceeds to shake King Julian off as if he was a baby, I’m pretty sure if he’d have been an actual baby he would have had brain damage (#nevershakethebaby)

So being the fearless leader that I am, watching my troops embarrass the fuck out of me in front of about 30 patrons and three bar staff, I shoved Julian aside to show him how this shit should work.

Jim and I were a well oiled fucking machine, this guy was about to be railroaded until he can’t walk straight… as we’re marching the stumbling moron out, he gets the brilliant idea to lift his legs off the ground so the Jim and I have to support his whole weight, he musta thought I’m a fucking genius with this play… he was wrong,

Jim and I turned to each other and at the exact same moment like synchronised divers we turned old surfie and dumped him on the back of his head straight into the loving embrace of the tiles.

I being a malicious prick knee dropped all my 125kg frame into his abdomen, and Jim coming from the ancient philosophy of no air no attitude dropped a forearm across the guys carotid artery.

He naturally passed out.

So I’m on his stomach wondering which end Ihis internal organs were going to evacuate from, I was thinking mouth but hoping… when Jim pops up and bitch slaps the guy, screaming

stop faking you drunk cunt (#allwayspolitesecurity)

I stand up assess that maybe we’d gone too far, tell Jim

Oi, he’s out cold, Jim looks at me

Says

Nah the cunts faking it….

A which point Jim goes to slap him again, and his head disappears as if he’s being dragged by some alien or monster from a horror flick,
Well it was a monster it was the glowworm from the front door, he decided he wanted to turn our little foursome into a….quinsome? (Someone help me out with that)

So surfer boy wakes up whilst being dragged and rolls over, seriously think he had the iq of fruit because he manages to land forehead down on the tiles whilst screaming…

Condor and I hitch our dicks up and saunter outside to see where this little shit-show is going to end up.

Surfer boy is outside now, on his feet pacing like a wild raccoon with a gravel-rashed forehead (#startedtofeelsorryforhim)

He starts the usual tirade, fuck you, that’s excessive force, I’m going to go get my mates and come back to fuck you up,

Asks Jim of all people what his name is,
Condor quids

Duncan, Duncan Biscuit

Surfer boy misses the quip and proceeds to tell Duncan that he used excessive force…

Duncan proceeds to tell surfer boy that surferboys mum always enjoyed the excessive force, and when she was pregnant with surfie because that would explain the brain damage…. (#desecaltecondorstyle)

Surfer boy assess his options and in dawning realisation knows he’s out gunned, so as a final fuck you he turn around, down trousers and proceeds to what I think I a split second Moon us….

From the rear camera angle, you see myself step forward ready to punt this fucker straight in the asshole, followed by me stepping back in confusion….

So there’s surfie, pants around his ankles cheeks spread, he grunts like his dead lifting a 100kilos and proceeds to squirt a stream of liquid shit, spraying about a metre wide area, (#WTF) he grunts again after the initial stream and manages a second burst, whilst less impressive than the first, still equally as fucked….

Jim in his infinite wisdom shouts a battle cry of

Let’s get this cunt,

Being a more practical man, I grab Jim’s arm, and say with all the humility of a man huffing the stench of another man’s liquid shit,

If we go down on the ground, we’re rolling in that, now if you want to proceed in the rolling in someone else’s shot olympics, I’m not gonna stop you, I however am going to say, this cunt has bested us…

Surfies girlfriend walks over as he’s pulling up his pants, proceeds to grab him on the ass and they both saunter off into legend
(#wierdshit)
(#bestgirlfriendever)

Northern_Soul
-Missy-
Tyrant of Words
England 33awards
Joined 10th Jan 2021
Forum Posts: 5957

Literally. Does anybody in Australia have like a normal name. 🤣

poet Anonymous

Northern_Soul said:Literally. Does anybody in Australia have like a normal name. 🤣

All of that, and the only thing you can think of is that we have weird names?

Damn I need my story telling license revoked

poet Anonymous

Watersports should be confined to wind-surfing, canoeing et all. She was a right charmer. Wanted me to wee in her mouth and then, for dessert, poo on here. I vehemently refused. She lightened the mood by banging on the windows and screaming "rape." Exit sharply. But here lies the rub. She was the niece of the Head of PR where I worked.

Met a fair few deviants over the years, best left to the sewers of memory. This was particularly, or more specific, weird shit.

Magdalena
Spartalena
Tyrant of Words
Wales 62awards
Joined 21st Apr 2012
Forum Posts: 2993

Nevermindthegaps said:

After all the years of charging up, should we all get blast suits and pray? could it be classified as a W.M.D?

(I’ll throw myself out)


Menopause chased away my metabolism and my libido. They packed their bags and left for sunnier climates. So, the world is safe.

Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 17awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 475

crimsin said:this isn't necessarily weird but very fond memories for me... when I was seventeen some flamboyant gay men lived upstairs from me they would have dress offs man they were beautiful and man they were funny they would cap on the most popular one saying his bedroom door was a revolving door... anyway on my daughters second birthday they threw her a surprise party wherever you guys are I love you  💕

Crim, that sounds really sweet!

Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 17awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 475

Nevermindthegaps said:Whilst on the delightful topic of fecal mattter…
In the great beyond of pubs and clubs I used to work at there’s a tale from way back in 2005 where I was freshly minted the new Head of Security, I’d been in the role for about 6months, when we had an incident in the bar….

Ex-pro surfer, strong build, stocky, maybe 5ft10, he was drunker than that one uncle that gets handsy every reunion.


Other guards on shift senior security guard and my second in command, code named Condor (Jim)

Senior security Guard code name Glowworm because of the shiny bald patch on top of his head the glowed a strange luminescent sheen in the pale pub lighting, reminiscent of the toy that acted as a nightlight for young children, you however would not tuck this psychopathic buzzsaw of oddity in with your children at night motherfucker was odd and hilarious (#afteraruninwithapublictoiletsprayedhisassholeandnutswithglen20)

Myself
the fearless leader, nick named Ping after a panda that looked cute and cuddly but took a dislike to a person taking photos of him, mauled the poor guy then sat back down to eat his bamboo like it was nothing to pretzel a motherfucker so bad he needed to spend a few months in hospital to recover… (#pandasarefucked)….

Upon receiving a report from the bar staff that ex surfer was too pissed to figure out that throwing straws at staff and making lewd comments was the furthest thing from cute and endearing, I engaged with Condor and said,

you take King Julian get him to nut-up and try and talk this guy out, I want you ready in case he flips it, and I’ll run secondary defence in case he knocks you the fuck out, you broke down old fuck……..

Surfer guy was surfing the waves of intoxication so hard he almost ate tiles when he threw a straw at Little Jas the glassy, (little Jas was know for asking a chick during sex who is your daddy, triggering a severe trauma response in the poor woman because her dad had died in a car accident while she was in the car #iforgethowfuckedwewere)
Who’s Your daddy Jas yelled at intoxicated surfer monkey

“You’re fucked, get the fuck out”

Which was the cue for your ragtag group of loveable knuckle-dragers to heroically save the day (#theatrics)

King Julian moves in with the authority of a sea slug, and politely asks our jovial friend if he could please depart the premises
(#ain’t no one listening to that shit)

It goes way the fuck south, surfer boy decides to ride the waves of purple locks in king Julian’s hair with a right hook sent from retard land, good thing surfie was drunk of Julian would’ve been in a pickle!

Condor swooped in with the grace of a raptor in flight, grabbed surferboys left arm and commenced the it’s-time-to-go-fuckwit tango, Julian had recovered from his wake up call that this shit is for keeps, not some play acting job as a security guard at a fucking mall. He leaps in with all the force a lemur can muster and grabs surfies right arm, and in that moment the triumph in his eyes was quickly snuffed out, because old mate the ex surfer was actually strong as fuck, proceeds to shake King Julian off as if he was a baby, I’m pretty sure if he’d have been an actual baby he would have had brain damage (#nevershakethebaby)

So being the fearless leader that I am, watching my troops embarrass the fuck out of me in front of about 30 patrons and three bar staff, I shoved Julian aside to show him how this shit should work.

Jim and I were a well oiled fucking machine, this guy was about to be railroaded until he can’t walk straight… as we’re marching the stumbling moron out, he gets the brilliant idea to lift his legs off the ground so the Jim and I have to support his whole weight, he musta thought I’m a fucking genius with this play… he was wrong,

Jim and I turned to each other and at the exact same moment like synchronised divers we turned old surfie and dumped him on the back of his head straight into the loving embrace of the tiles.

I being a malicious prick knee dropped all my 125kg frame into his abdomen, and Jim coming from the ancient philosophy of no air no attitude dropped a forearm across the guys carotid artery.

He naturally passed out.

So I’m on his stomach wondering which end Ihis internal organs were going to evacuate from, I was thinking mouth but hoping… when Jim pops up and bitch slaps the guy, screaming

stop faking you drunk cunt (#allwayspolitesecurity)

I stand up assess that maybe we’d gone too far, tell Jim

Oi, he’s out cold, Jim looks at me

Says

Nah the cunts faking it….

A which point Jim goes to slap him again, and his head disappears as if he’s being dragged by some alien or monster from a horror flick,
Well it was a monster it was the glowworm from the front door, he decided he wanted to turn our little foursome into a….quinsome? (Someone help me out with that)

So surfer boy wakes up whilst being dragged and rolls over, seriously think he had the iq of fruit because he manages to land forehead down on the tiles whilst screaming…

Condor and I hitch our dicks up and saunter outside to see where this little shit-show is going to end up.

Surfer boy is outside now, on his feet pacing like a wild raccoon with a gravel-rashed forehead (#startedtofeelsorryforhim)

He starts the usual tirade, fuck you, that’s excessive force, I’m going to go get my mates and come back to fuck you up,

Asks Jim of all people what his name is,
Condor quids

Duncan, Duncan Biscuit

Surfer boy misses the quip and proceeds to tell Duncan that he used excessive force…

Duncan proceeds to tell surfer boy that surferboys mum always enjoyed the excessive force, and when she was pregnant with surfie because that would explain the brain damage…. (#desecaltecondorstyle)

Surfer boy assess his options and in dawning realisation knows he’s out gunned, so as a final fuck you he turn around, down trousers and proceeds to what I think I a split second Moon us….

From the rear camera angle, you see myself step forward ready to punt this fucker straight in the asshole, followed by me stepping back in confusion….

So there’s surfie, pants around his ankles cheeks spread, he grunts like his dead lifting a 100kilos and proceeds to squirt a stream of liquid shit, spraying about a metre wide area, (#WTF) he grunts again after the initial stream and manages a second burst, whilst less impressive than the first, still equally as fucked….

Jim in his infinite wisdom shouts a battle cry of

Let’s get this cunt,

Being a more practical man, I grab Jim’s arm, and say with all the humility of a man huffing the stench of another man’s liquid shit,

If we go down on the ground, we’re rolling in that, now if you want to proceed in the rolling in someone else’s shot olympics, I’m not gonna stop you, I however am going to say, this cunt has bested us…

Surfies girlfriend walks over as he’s pulling up his pants, proceeds to grab him on the ass and they both saunter off into legend
(#wierdshit)
(#bestgirlfriendever)


(mouth hangs open)

What. The fuck?

Gaps, bring your cute little marsupial ass over here and let Miss Betty teach you about this thing called "The Inverted Pyramid"

It looks like this:

In 2005, newly-promoted Head Bouncer Gaps, and his buddies, had shit sprayed on them by a drunk patron. Witnesses said they actually beat the shit out of the guy.
It all started...

Did you write this down? Are you taking notes?


I'm resentful that I have to say this: your liquid shit AND the twisted pelvis give you a narrow lead over Mags, but Lav has killed us all with her fecal experience.

Also resentful to say... I laughed. Pretty hard.

Go to page:
Go to: