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Weird shit and nothing else

MadameLavender
Guardian of Shadows
United States 89awards
Joined 17th Feb 2013
Forum Posts: 5647

I've worked in a hospital laboratory for 35 years & here's a few from the annals of the clinical setting:

1.  I've drawn blood from a dead person .

2.  I've had some one die, while I was drawing their blood

3.  I once took a syringe full of Glucola (the sugar drink we give for a glucose tolerance test ) & laced a fellow employees grapes he had at his work area .  Taught him a lesson about eating in the lab but luckily he wasn't a diabetic after chowing on the loaded grapes...

4.  Weirdest sample I've ever gotten was a dildo in a bucket of shit, that was surgically removed from a guy's anus, after he stuck it too far up

5.  I used to prank new techs, learning how to plant cultures, with a rubber dog turd in a sample cup.

6.  Grossest test I've ever done, is an archaic method to test for fecal fat content, where we used to smear shit on a microscope slide, add a drop of orange colored stain, add a coverslip, then literally hold it over the flame of a bunsen burner, until it boils on the slide, then count the fat globules under the 'scope.  Smelled awful, stunk up the whole lab.

poet Anonymous

MadameLavender said:I've worked in a hospital laboratory for 35 years & here's a few from the annals of the clinical setting:

1.  I've drawn blood from a dead person .

2.  I've had some one die, while I was drawing their blood

3.  I once took a syringe full of Glucola (the sugar drink we give for a glucose tolerance test ) & laced a fellow employees grapes he had at his work area .  Taught him a lesson about eating in the lab but luckily he wasn't a diabetic after chowing on the loaded grapes...

4.  Weirdest sample I've ever gotten was a dildo in a bucket of shit, that was surgically removed from a guy's anus, after he stuck it too far up

5.  I used to prank new techs, learning how to plant cultures, with a rubber dog turd in a sample cup.

6.  Grossest test I've ever done, is an archaic method to test for fecal fat content, where we used to smear shit on a microscope slide, add a drop of orange colored stain, add a coverslip, then literally hold it over the flame of a bunsen burner, until it boils on the slide, then count the fat globules under the 'scope.  Smelled awful, stunk up the whole lab.


Well 6 sounds delightful, pretty sure you can keep all of that

Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 22awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 497

crimsin said:I wanted to run away with the circus when I was sixteen
I followed a Moroccan acrobat to the next state
I think that's the strangest thing I've ever done....


That sounds absolutely amazing,actually!

poet Anonymous

Whilst on the delightful topic of fecal mattter…
In the great beyond of pubs and clubs I used to work at there’s a tale from way back in 2005 where I was freshly minted the new Head of Security, I’d been in the role for about 6months, when we had an incident in the bar….

Ex-pro surfer, strong build, stocky, maybe 5ft10, he was drunker than that one uncle that gets handsy every reunion.

We had a new guard on shift we dubbed him King Julian from the movie Madagascar because he had a stripe of purple colour through the centre of his head. He looked like a lemur, stood on his viewing box (dude never should have been there) they’d send the newbies to us to test their mettle because we worked in the asshole of the south, all the shit congregated there.

Other guards on shift senior security guard and my second in command, code named Condor (Jim)

badly damaged mouthy mother fucker he liked to be touched in all the wrong places. His MO was to smile politely with friendly placating hand gestures for the camera whilst telling the drunk patron how hard he was going to bang the guys mother and that he preferred when they struggled when he did it. earned the nick name for asking an odd question like do you prefer your anal with chillies or without, then striking whilst said patron was confused questioning their life choices and wether anal was actually any good with chilli (#bestmateskindaadick)

Senior security Guard code name Glowworm because of the shiny bald patch on top of his head the glowed a strange luminescent sheen in the pale pub lighting, reminiscent of the toy that acted as a nightlight for young children, you however would not tuck this psychopathic buzzsaw of oddity in with your children at night motherfucker was odd and hilarious (#afteraruninwithapublictoiletsprayedhisassholeandnutswithglen20)

Myself
the fearless leader, nick named Ping after a panda that looked cute and cuddly but took a dislike to a person taking photos of him, mauled the poor guy then sat back down to eat his bamboo like it was nothing to pretzel a motherfucker so bad he needed to spend a few months in hospital to recover… (#pandasarefucked)….

Upon receiving a report from the bar staff that ex surfer was too pissed to figure out that throwing straws at staff and making lewd comments was the furthest thing from cute and endearing, I engaged with Condor and said,

you take King Julian get him to nut-up and try and talk this guy out, I want you ready in case he flips it, and I’ll run secondary defence in case he knocks you the fuck out, you broke down old fuck……..

TO Be Continued




Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 22awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 497

MadameLavender said:I've worked in a hospital laboratory for 35 years & here's a few from the annals of the clinical setting:

1.  I've drawn blood from a dead person .

2.  I've had some one die, while I was drawing their blood

3.  I once took a syringe full of Glucola (the sugar drink we give for a glucose tolerance test ) & laced a fellow employees grapes he had at his work area .  Taught him a lesson about eating in the lab but luckily he wasn't a diabetic after chowing on the loaded grapes...

4.  Weirdest sample I've ever gotten was a dildo in a bucket of shit, that was surgically removed from a guy's anus, after he stuck it too far up

5.  I used to prank new techs, learning how to plant cultures, with a rubber dog turd in a sample cup.

6.  Grossest test I've ever done, is an archaic method to test for fecal fat content, where we used to smear shit on a microscope slide, add a drop of orange colored stain, add a coverslip, then literally hold it over the flame of a bunsen burner, until it boils on the slide, then count the fat globules under the 'scope.  Smelled awful, stunk up the whole lab.


Ok, as of this second, you, Mags and Gaps are tied for weirdest shit. You for literally having the weirdest shit.
And more shit.
And shittier shit.

(I can’t stop giggling at the list… so… much… shit!)



crimsin
Unveiling
Tyrant of Words
United States 124awards
Joined 25th Jan 2011
Forum Posts: 2647

Betty said:

That sounds absolutely amazing,actually!


Hi there Betty he was delicious to look at... I ended up in a motel room with him but got shy... then later that evening I was drinking vodka with a Russian bear trainer on the circus train and I had sex with him...it was pretty amazing experience they asked to continue on with them to the next state and I really wanted to go but I had things calling me back home...

Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 22awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 497

Nevermindthegaps said:Whilst on the delightful topic of fecal mattter…
In the great beyond of pubs and clubs I used to work at there’s a tale from way back in 2005 where I was freshly minted the new Head of Security, I’d been in the role for about 6months, when we had an incident in the bar….

Ex-pro surfer, strong build, stocky, maybe 5ft10, he was drunker than that one uncle that gets handsy every reunion.

We had a new guard on shift we dubbed him King Julian from the movie Madagascar because he had a stripe of purple colour through the centre of his head. He looked like a lemur, stood on his viewing box (dude never should have been there) they’d send the newbies to us to test their mettle because we worked in the asshole of the south, all the shit congregated there.

Other guards on shift senior security guard and my second in command, code named Condor (Jim)

badly damaged mouthy mother fucker he liked to be touched in all the wrong places. His MO was to smile politely with friendly placating hand gestures for the camera whilst telling the drunk patron how hard he was going to bang the guys mother and that he preferred when they struggled when he did it. earned the nick name for asking an odd question like do you prefer your anal with chillies or without, then striking whilst said patron was confused questioning their life choices and wether anal was actually any good with chilli (#bestmateskindaadick)

Senior security Guard code name Glowworm because of the shiny bald patch on top of his head the glowed a strange luminescent sheen in the pale pub lighting, reminiscent of the toy that acted as a nightlight for young children, you however would not tuck this psychopathic buzzsaw of oddity in with your children at night motherfucker was odd and hilarious (#afteraruninwithapublictoiletsprayedhisassholeandnutswithglen20)

Myself
the fearless leader, nick named Ping after a panda that looked cute and cuddly but took a dislike to a person taking photos of him, mauled the poor guy then sat back down to eat his bamboo like it was nothing to pretzel a motherfucker so bad he needed to spend a few months in hospital to recover… (#pandasarefucked)….

Upon receiving a report from the bar staff that ex surfer was too pissed to figure out that throwing straws at staff and making lewd comments was the furthest thing from cute and endearing, I engaged with Condor and said,

you take King Julian get him to nut-up and try and talk this guy out, I want you ready in case he flips it, and I’ll run secondary defence in case he knocks you the fuck out, you broke down old fuck……..

TO Be Continued





Wordy, not worst. I had a typo. It actually made this funnier.

Wordy bastard. The entire thing is certainly weird… but where’s the rest of the ducking story?!?!?

Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 22awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 497

crimsin said:

Hi there Betty he was delicious to look at... I ended up in a motel room with him but got shy... then later that evening I was drinking vodka with a Russian bear trainer on the circus train and I had sex with him...it was pretty amazing experience they asked to continue on with them to the next state and I really wanted to go but I had things calling me back home...


Sex with a Russian bear trainer may put you back in the running for weird shit.

That is such a good story, crim!

MadameLavender
Guardian of Shadows
United States 89awards
Joined 17th Feb 2013
Forum Posts: 5647

Betty said:

Ok, as of this second, you, Mags and Gaps are tied for weirdest shit. You for literally having the weirdest shit.
And more shit.
And shittier shit.

(I can’t stop giggling at the list… so… much… shit!)




Nothing like a good shit list, to add spice to your day...

#7:   Most unforgettable shit sample I've received was from a patient who packed in an ungodly amount of crap into their hard plastic sample cup, that the lid was actually bowed, both from the volume and the gasses it created .  When I opened it to take part of the sample for testing, the pressure was so great that it made a literal fart sound, then oozed over the edge of the cup.  Thank goodness we had started wearing gloves in the lab, by then, because I come from the era where we never did ....

#8:  Biggest "Holy Shit!" moment in the lab--we used to have a male phlebotomist who when explaining to female patients , how to properly collect a urine culture sample, would hand them a cup and medical wet-wipe, and say "before you pee, you take the wet-nap and wash your vagina..."

"Holy shit, Ted--pee don't come out the va-jay-jay!"   *cringe worthy , working with Ted*

Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 22awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 497

MadameLavender said:

Nothing like a good shit list, to add spice to your day...

#7:   Most unforgettable shit sample I've received was from a patient who packed in an ungodly amount of crap into their hard plastic sample cup, that the lid was actually bowed, both from the volume and the gasses it created .  When I opened it to take part of the sample for testing, the pressure was so great that it made a literal fart sound, then oozed over the edge of the cup.  Thank goodness we had started wearing gloves in the lab, by then, because I come from the era where we never did ....

#8:  Biggest "Holy Shit!" moment in the lab--we used to have a male phlebotomist who when explaining to female patients , how to properly collect a urine culture sample, would hand them a cup and medical wet-wipe, and say "before you pee, you take the wet-nap and wash your vagina..."

"Holy shit, Ted--pee don't come out the va-jay-jay!"   *cringe worthy , working with Ted*


Lav, you're killing me! My god woman! Like, I want to laugh about the oozing, farting shit sample... but FUCKING TED.... OMG!

AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAA(gasp)AHAHAHAHAHHAHHAH!

Yeah, you pulled ahead, Lav. Your shit don't stink, girl

Indie
Miss Indie
Tyrant of Words
Australia 36awards
Joined 3rd Sep 2011
Forum Posts: 3256

Got drunk and went home with a gay guy from a club, cause he just wanted a friend for the night, someone to talk to, not a fuck buddy. We got wicked stoned and passed out after philosophising and I puked in his garden. Woke up the next morning and he freaked out there was a woman in his bed. Took him a while to remember what I was doing there.

poet Anonymous

Betty said:

Wordy, not worst. I had a typo. It actually made this funnier.

Wordy bastard. The entire thing is certainly weird… but where’s the rest of the ducking story?!?!?


Beings as I’m a wordy bastard and like to keep people in suspense, I’ll get round to the rest hopefully later today,

robert43041
Viking
Tyrant of Words
Canada 43awards
Joined 30th July 2020
Forum Posts: 918

Meanwhile there are these people...men and women....who go for fist fucking so they end up wearing adult diapers at a rather young adult age.

Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 22awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 497

robert43041 said:Meanwhile there are these people...men and women....who go for fist fucking so they end up wearing adult diapers at a rather young adult age.

Rob! Only true stories... so are you... confessing something here?

(puts chin on hand and leans in)

You can tell me anything. I'm a doctor. (I mean, not technically... but still.)

Betty
Dangerous Mind
United States 22awards
Joined 8th May 2012
Forum Posts: 497

Indie said:Got drunk and went home with a gay guy from a club, cause he just wanted a friend for the night, someone to talk to, not a fuck buddy. We got wicked stoned and passed out after philosophising and I puked in his garden. Woke up the next morning and he freaked out there was a woman in his bed. Took him a while to remember what I was doing there.


LOL! I love you Indie. That is amazing. I love the thought of him freaking out over a woman in his bed. LOVE it

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