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Terrible Foreplay

Northern_Soul
Northern_Soul
-Missy-
Tyrant of Words
England
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Slightly inspired by NeverMindTheGap’s poem title “I Was Told Australian’s Suck At Foreplay” and just because sometimes a laugh is needed…

What is the worst chat up line / flirt / come on you’ve ever heard? Any funny stories?

My absolute all time favourite was I once heard “hey baby… I wanna make you drip like a knackered fridge”

👀🤣

_feral
_feral
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i've had quite a few specialist instagram dm's over the years

there was one fella who messaged me saying "i wouldn't mind you wrecking my trunk"

bold of him to assume i have junk going on 🤦🏻‍♂️🤣👀

#realtea

Betty
Betty
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“You must be my big toe, because I feel like I’m about to bang you on the coffee table.”

Northern_Soul
Northern_Soul
-Missy-
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_feral said:i've had quite a few specialist instagram dm's over the years

there was one fella who messaged me saying "i wouldn't mind you wrecking my trunk"

bold of him to assume i have junk going on 🤦🏻‍♂️🤣👀

#realtea


Perfect opportunity to out-weird somebody.

You like junk? Alright treasure… wait until you see the 16 broken washing machines I’m about to dump on your lawn. I hope you’ve got the number for the council ready because it’s gonna be a TIP. 🤣🤣

Northern_Soul
Northern_Soul
-Missy-
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Betty said:“You must be my big toe, because I feel like I’m about to bang you on the coffee table.”

…. I may be looking too far into this, but what is it about people and coffee tables? Coffee tables are like a foot and a half off the ground. Are people like cruising for hobbits or something? 🤣

Strangeways_Rob
Strangeways_Rob
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Thinking myself cool & hip, decided to serenade a Glasweigan lass with the B-52's. Bearing in mind, I had a wee problem with saying my r's properly. And the chosen song? 'Roam'.  Maybe out of pity, she....


Betty
Betty
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Northern_Soul said:

…. I may be looking too far into this, but what is it about people and coffee tables? Coffee tables are like a foot and a half off the ground. Are people like cruising for hobbits or something? 🤣


Holy fuckballs I’m dying!


How about…

Did it hurt?
When you fell from heaven?

Carpe_Noctem
Carpe_Noctem
Dangerous Mind
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I Brazilian wax poetic

Jimmy pop is my maestro

Who wants a

Foxtrot
Uniform
Charlie
Kilo?

Northern_Soul
Northern_Soul
-Missy-
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England
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Betty said:

Holy fuckballs I’m dying!


How about…

Did it hurt?
When you fell from heaven?


The oldies are always the best 😂

I had a guy at work once who asked me to help him escape a date because she smelled (and I quote) like beef dripping.

That’s it England. Keep it classy. 🤣

poet Anonymous

Northern_Soul said:

The oldies are always the best 😂

I had a guy at work once who asked me to help him escape a date because she smelled (and I quote) like beef dripping.

That’s it England. Keep it classy. 🤣


Not sure wether I should be hungry,
Or aroused…

Which leads into….

I believe you are what you eat,
and I want to be you tomorrow

I’m sure if you got the inflection creepy enough they’d think you were Jeffrey Dahmer

Betty
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Nevermindthegaps said:

Not sure wether I should be hungry,
Or aroused…

Which leads into….

I believe you are what you eat,
and I want to be you tomorrow

I’m sure if you got the inflection creepy enough they’d think you were Jeffrey Dahmer



Shit, I laughed at that too.

Truth: guy in a bar holds up two fingers and said “you know why you should get off on these two fingers?”

(Head shake)

“Because they’re mine”

He must have been 90 and I bought him a beer. Best pickup line ever from a dirty old man.


poet Anonymous

Betty said:


Shit, I laughed at that too.

Truth: guy in a bar holds up two fingers and said “you know why you should get off on these two fingers?”

(Head shake)

“Because they’re mine”

He must have been 90 and I bought him a beer. Best pickup line ever from a dirty old man.


Looking at my hand currently two would probably split you in half

#hunglikeabrokenhand

Betty
Betty
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Nevermindthegaps said:

Looking at my hand currently two would probably split you in half

#hunglikeabrokenhand


Omg you have said some unfunny shit, but that is the unfunniest.

Another terrible one:
I can see you making me breakfast in the morning.

(No lead in. Weak game. Also factually inaccurate.)

Northern_Soul
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Nevermindthegaps said:

Looking at my hand currently two would probably split you in half

#hunglikeabrokenhand


That’s quite a hand injury.

“Hey Baby… you like sausages, cause i’m about to banger raw…”

Could you imagine 🤣🤣🤣


Hail Mary full of grace….

poet Anonymous

Betty said:

Omg you have said some unfunny shit, but that is the unfunniest.

Another terrible one:
I can see you making me breakfast in the morning.

(No lead in. Weak game. Also factually inaccurate.)


Well I was following the themes of the thread, as to breakfast

How do you like your eggs, fertilised or unfertilised

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