Seeking Advice
I've always been one to always over think things. So what better place to ask for advice than here in DU. You guys can be as brutally honest as possible. Here's the situation::
For years, (appr. 6 years) I've been... for a lack of a better word .... in love or really strong like ... with this one person. Now since I'm a social reject, and lacking severe social skills, I've been unable to talk to this guy like a normal human being.
I mean, I've tried speaking to him, but it's just hard when every time I try talking to him, I end up a stuttering mess. I'm just not good at talking in a whole (hence the reason, I write)
So... I found out that my best friend of 4 years is now dating said guy. My best friend knew, from the very start, that I had feelings for this guy. It's just that, she has better social skills and is more easy going than I am. She is, as cliche as it sounds, everything that I am not.
I'm stuck deciding whether to cut all ties with her, and just move the fuck on or play pretend that I'm okay with this and continue to die a little more inside every time I see them together.
Exaggerated? Yes... but it's close to how I'd feel.
I just can't get pass the fact that she didn't consider my feelings, or she didn't bother coming up to me and be like 'yo... if you don't make a move, then i will." I can't handle this level of betrayal.
I'm more leaning towards the cutting of the ties.
Any advice from those who've been in this situation before would be helpful.
Anonymous
I have a couple of thoughts reading this, and I will compare it to a similar situation I have myself experienced.
My first thought is that if this person was a friend in the first place, if they really cared about you, they wouldn't have gone pissing up your lamp post, for want of a better phrase. If they can see you hurting and choose to hurt you more, or do nothing about it, then they never actually cared about you in the first place. Same applies to anybody you love. This makes me think that it is better to cut out people who show you a lack of respect. This is something I practice often, when having a little mental clear out. Block them out and move on. A wise woman once said "fuck this shit" and lived happily ever after. True.
My second thought is that there is a lot of misery in never telling somebody how you feel. I know it's hard when you're introverted to communicate, but sweety life is too short to live in that kind of regret. If you love them, tell them. Write it down, give it to them, e-mail them, post it to them, do what you will... but tell them. If after they turn around and say "no thank you very much" then at least you will know and can move on. The worst thing a person can do, is say no. That's it.
You have to be in it to win it and all that crap.
Ask yourself this - in five years time are you still going to be wondering what would have happened if you told him that you loved him? Your forum quote says "I'm only insane upon those rare occasions when my heart gets touched".
Live the words.
My first thought is that if this person was a friend in the first place, if they really cared about you, they wouldn't have gone pissing up your lamp post, for want of a better phrase. If they can see you hurting and choose to hurt you more, or do nothing about it, then they never actually cared about you in the first place. Same applies to anybody you love. This makes me think that it is better to cut out people who show you a lack of respect. This is something I practice often, when having a little mental clear out. Block them out and move on. A wise woman once said "fuck this shit" and lived happily ever after. True.
My second thought is that there is a lot of misery in never telling somebody how you feel. I know it's hard when you're introverted to communicate, but sweety life is too short to live in that kind of regret. If you love them, tell them. Write it down, give it to them, e-mail them, post it to them, do what you will... but tell them. If after they turn around and say "no thank you very much" then at least you will know and can move on. The worst thing a person can do, is say no. That's it.
You have to be in it to win it and all that crap.
Ask yourself this - in five years time are you still going to be wondering what would have happened if you told him that you loved him? Your forum quote says "I'm only insane upon those rare occasions when my heart gets touched".
Live the words.
Hi, you have classic human feelings, and your girlfriend has done the classic move.
She tuned in to your intense affection for him, and desired to live that experience.
What can I say? it seems like a chess game where she made a strategic move, and her social skills level is higher than yours, so she has made a connection with him now,
I guess, she needed you to scope out the good dude, out of the forest of dudes, so as you have a freindship connection with her, then you must be feeling what she is also, so you can tune in to how she makes her moves and adopt her skills.
buenos suerte and que dios le vendiga
She tuned in to your intense affection for him, and desired to live that experience.
What can I say? it seems like a chess game where she made a strategic move, and her social skills level is higher than yours, so she has made a connection with him now,
I guess, she needed you to scope out the good dude, out of the forest of dudes, so as you have a freindship connection with her, then you must be feeling what she is also, so you can tune in to how she makes her moves and adopt her skills.
buenos suerte and que dios le vendiga
PsychicApocalypse said:
I've always been one to always over think things. So what better place to ask for advice than here in DU. You guys can be as brutally honest as possible. Here's the situation::
For years, (appr. 6 years) I've been... for a lack of a better word .... in love or really strong like ... with this one person. Now since I'm a social reject, and lacking severe social skills, I've been unable to talk to this guy like a normal human being.
I mean, I've tried speaking to him, but it's just hard when every time I try talking to him, I end up a stuttering mess. I'm just not good at talking in a whole (hence the reason, I write)
So... I found out that my best friend of 4 years is now dating said guy. My best friend knew, from the very start, that I had feelings for this guy. It's just that, she has better social skills and is more easy going than I am. She is, as cliche as it sounds, everything that I am not.
I'm stuck deciding whether to cut all ties with her, and just move the fuck on or play pretend that I'm okay with this and continue to die a little more inside every time I see them together.
Exaggerated? Yes... but it's close to how I'd feel.
First, your feelings are true ones, being you (or others) feel they're exaggerated or not. One of the greatest tests in life you will ever have is not to betray yourself in the midst of betrayal. You have an obligation to yourself as well as your "friend" to be honest with her. She may hate you for your honesty, but at least you will not have betrayed yourself and become the monster you hate by going behind her back to contact him and reveal your feelings. In essence, you will be placing her in exactly the same spot you're in now. Return love and you'll reap love. I know that's easier said than done, but it's doable nonetheless.
I hate to say this, because it's probably what you don't want to hear, but you may have missed the boat on this one. Was there ever any indication of his affection for you? Did he ever give you any reason to believe he was interested? Then again, you may have not. She may be competing with you. If that's the case it will wear off when she sees you're not interested in competition and just gracefully move on. One thing is for certain, two is for sure, he may or may not know how you feel (you don't know what she's told him). Also, anything you do she will exaggerate to him. Play your cards closely but honestly. No aces up the sleeve except for truth - which always trumps in the end.
Reverse gears here. If you were involved with a boy, and his friend came to you and told you the story, how would you feel? Who would you believe when you found out he didn't go to his friend first? Also, many men like the idea of a woman fighting over them. It's an ago booster. And if that's the case, he's not a man but a boy - and you certainly don't want that immaturity on your plate.
I just can't get pass the fact that she didn't consider my feelings, or she didn't bother coming up to me and be like 'yo... if you don't make a move, then i will." I can't handle this level of betrayal.
I'm more leaning towards the cutting of the ties.
Any advice from those who've been in this situation before would be helpful.
When I was young, my father told me once over a game of chess to never reveal who I was interested in to single friends (hell it's married too in these days) - it was like shining spotlights on them. I learned he was very wise and correct on that. However, what I also learned by being honest (even at the risk of a friendship) is how strong in standing for right I could be despite the pain and betrayal I felt.
I've had some come back later in life to ask forgiveness. These are the ones who learn from mistakes, and the seeds of truth you plant. And realize no man is ever worth a friendship. I've had others attempt revenge, manipulate behind the scenes, and are spiteful and vindictive still, and it's sad to watch them reap their own karma. And they will, just as we attract what we project into the universe. Vibrations are always met in due time.
My bottom line advice is to be honest with your "friend" first. This will not be easy but it's necessary for your own personal growth. Try not to get angry. Try to remain unemotional. If she becomes defensive then try to maintain composure and simply say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. As a friend I felt I needed to be honest with you." And leave it at that. Then, and only IF the Universe opens a door to be honest with him, then do such. If the Universe opens the door the words will be received in the intent given. If it doesn't, and you go kicking it down, it's sure to slam back in your face.
She may run to him after you're honest with her. Certain types love to play the victim against someone they're competing with, because most men are the white knight type who want to ride in and save the day. If she does, that may backfire in her face, and he may end up coming to you on his own - especially if he's interested, and never knew you were.
Give a fool enough rope and they'll hang themselves. So let her. It may be hard not to defend yourself, but the truth will prevail in the end without any deception or manipulation on your part. But, beware, if he doesn't break if off with her first, and allow some distance for healing so as not to hurt her further, then he's no better than she is, and will do the same to you. Whatever he does to her - is what he'll do to you.
Lots of variables to consider. But the most important is yourself - and that you're honest with you and those around you. This will come back tenfold.
Best of luck.
I've always been one to always over think things. So what better place to ask for advice than here in DU. You guys can be as brutally honest as possible. Here's the situation::
For years, (appr. 6 years) I've been... for a lack of a better word .... in love or really strong like ... with this one person. Now since I'm a social reject, and lacking severe social skills, I've been unable to talk to this guy like a normal human being.
I mean, I've tried speaking to him, but it's just hard when every time I try talking to him, I end up a stuttering mess. I'm just not good at talking in a whole (hence the reason, I write)
So... I found out that my best friend of 4 years is now dating said guy. My best friend knew, from the very start, that I had feelings for this guy. It's just that, she has better social skills and is more easy going than I am. She is, as cliche as it sounds, everything that I am not.
I'm stuck deciding whether to cut all ties with her, and just move the fuck on or play pretend that I'm okay with this and continue to die a little more inside every time I see them together.
Exaggerated? Yes... but it's close to how I'd feel.
First, your feelings are true ones, being you (or others) feel they're exaggerated or not. One of the greatest tests in life you will ever have is not to betray yourself in the midst of betrayal. You have an obligation to yourself as well as your "friend" to be honest with her. She may hate you for your honesty, but at least you will not have betrayed yourself and become the monster you hate by going behind her back to contact him and reveal your feelings. In essence, you will be placing her in exactly the same spot you're in now. Return love and you'll reap love. I know that's easier said than done, but it's doable nonetheless.
I hate to say this, because it's probably what you don't want to hear, but you may have missed the boat on this one. Was there ever any indication of his affection for you? Did he ever give you any reason to believe he was interested? Then again, you may have not. She may be competing with you. If that's the case it will wear off when she sees you're not interested in competition and just gracefully move on. One thing is for certain, two is for sure, he may or may not know how you feel (you don't know what she's told him). Also, anything you do she will exaggerate to him. Play your cards closely but honestly. No aces up the sleeve except for truth - which always trumps in the end.
Reverse gears here. If you were involved with a boy, and his friend came to you and told you the story, how would you feel? Who would you believe when you found out he didn't go to his friend first? Also, many men like the idea of a woman fighting over them. It's an ago booster. And if that's the case, he's not a man but a boy - and you certainly don't want that immaturity on your plate.
I just can't get pass the fact that she didn't consider my feelings, or she didn't bother coming up to me and be like 'yo... if you don't make a move, then i will." I can't handle this level of betrayal.
I'm more leaning towards the cutting of the ties.
Any advice from those who've been in this situation before would be helpful.
When I was young, my father told me once over a game of chess to never reveal who I was interested in to single friends (hell it's married too in these days) - it was like shining spotlights on them. I learned he was very wise and correct on that. However, what I also learned by being honest (even at the risk of a friendship) is how strong in standing for right I could be despite the pain and betrayal I felt.
I've had some come back later in life to ask forgiveness. These are the ones who learn from mistakes, and the seeds of truth you plant. And realize no man is ever worth a friendship. I've had others attempt revenge, manipulate behind the scenes, and are spiteful and vindictive still, and it's sad to watch them reap their own karma. And they will, just as we attract what we project into the universe. Vibrations are always met in due time.
My bottom line advice is to be honest with your "friend" first. This will not be easy but it's necessary for your own personal growth. Try not to get angry. Try to remain unemotional. If she becomes defensive then try to maintain composure and simply say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. As a friend I felt I needed to be honest with you." And leave it at that. Then, and only IF the Universe opens a door to be honest with him, then do such. If the Universe opens the door the words will be received in the intent given. If it doesn't, and you go kicking it down, it's sure to slam back in your face.
She may run to him after you're honest with her. Certain types love to play the victim against someone they're competing with, because most men are the white knight type who want to ride in and save the day. If she does, that may backfire in her face, and he may end up coming to you on his own - especially if he's interested, and never knew you were.
Give a fool enough rope and they'll hang themselves. So let her. It may be hard not to defend yourself, but the truth will prevail in the end without any deception or manipulation on your part. But, beware, if he doesn't break if off with her first, and allow some distance for healing so as not to hurt her further, then he's no better than she is, and will do the same to you. Whatever he does to her - is what he'll do to you.
Lots of variables to consider. But the most important is yourself - and that you're honest with you and those around you. This will come back tenfold.
Best of luck.
Cut Off. If She Didnt Consider Your Feelings She Dont Care And Definietly Dont Feel Bad About It. Why Pretend And Put Yourself Through That Pain, Not Healthy. Betrayal Teaches You Too Be More Cautious, Show You There's Some Ppl With No Morals And Only Worry About Themselves, It Might Make You A Aloner Becsuse You're More Aware But That Beats Having The Wrong Energy Around You.
First of all I am going to be short and to the point , in my opinion BFF'S do not do that to one another under any circumstance or date each others exes , that's just one aspect of " GIRL CODE " and second of all you deserve a much better friend that that if she done that to you what else may she pull in the future that will just hurt you as much if not harder. I f that were my friend I would dump her to the curb like yesterdays trash and get her the fuck out of your life , I mean with friends like that who need enemies, if someone did that to me I'd question if they ever were truly my friend. At the end of the day all she has proven to be is a very disloyal, false friend in the end that breached your trust in her and stabbed you in the back; And not having you in her life is her loss
I know this is cliche but as Taylor Swift says in a song just strike a match on all of your wasted time , and be over it and get away from the both of them. Their short lived romance that came about from betrayal will soon burn out like stars . All the best to you; everyone deserves to be happy and the right man will come into your life when you least expected it, I am proof of that
I know this is cliche but as Taylor Swift says in a song just strike a match on all of your wasted time , and be over it and get away from the both of them. Their short lived romance that came about from betrayal will soon burn out like stars . All the best to you; everyone deserves to be happy and the right man will come into your life when you least expected it, I am proof of that
Firstly, I wouldn't take free advice [especially from me]. Secondly the advice you're going to receive is based on your perspective of your perceived reality. So the advice could be unintentionally bad advice based on the distorted way you see your world.
It's quite possible that this guy you've been obsessed with isn't attracted to you, if he hasn't made some attempt to form some kind of relationship with you in 6 years.
If your social skills are so lacking as you say, is it possible your friend didn't really know the full extent of your obsession with this guy? Maybe you haven't communicated clearly or frequently enough [6 years is a long time] to your friend, how much this guy still means to you.
Besides, if you haven't really communicated with this guy, then your attraction to him is possibly superficial, specifically to the way he looks and his mannerisms, you really don't know him. If you had the opportunity to get to know him through conversation, you may find out this guy is a complete jerk or that you're both totally incompatible.
Confronting friends about boys and girls we share a common attraction to is always fraught with the risk of damaging a friendship. Whether your friend had approached you about this guy or you now confront her about the guy, your friendship is in jeopardy.
Maybe it's time to go cold turkey with this obsession.
It's quite possible that this guy you've been obsessed with isn't attracted to you, if he hasn't made some attempt to form some kind of relationship with you in 6 years.
If your social skills are so lacking as you say, is it possible your friend didn't really know the full extent of your obsession with this guy? Maybe you haven't communicated clearly or frequently enough [6 years is a long time] to your friend, how much this guy still means to you.
Besides, if you haven't really communicated with this guy, then your attraction to him is possibly superficial, specifically to the way he looks and his mannerisms, you really don't know him. If you had the opportunity to get to know him through conversation, you may find out this guy is a complete jerk or that you're both totally incompatible.
Confronting friends about boys and girls we share a common attraction to is always fraught with the risk of damaging a friendship. Whether your friend had approached you about this guy or you now confront her about the guy, your friendship is in jeopardy.
Maybe it's time to go cold turkey with this obsession.
I know asking you guys would help me clear up some stuff.
I read every single one of your advice and suggestions and it has given me much to ponder.
Just to answer a few questions that some of you asked:
My friend knew the full extent of my feelings. It's not like I'm expert in hiding these things. I'm probably as see-through as they come. In fact, lot of people figured out my feelings for this person.
The thing is that, this guy and I were starting to build up somewhat of a friendship you could say, since he knew I was looking for a new guitarist for my band, but then suddenly it stopped.
They both strangely begun hanging out and I did convey that I felt uncomfortable with their closeness. She kept saying "oh we're just friends." It was always same thing over and over until 2 months later... They, all of a sudden, started dating. I had already figured it out before she even confirmed it to me. I guess, I just wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, since I am prone to jumping to conclusions and over thinking stuff.
One thing I know for sure though... Personally, I don't want to have anything to do with said guy. Not because of any bitterness or anything weird like that.
It just goes against my beliefs, to date a guy whose dated a friend of mine. Even if I happen to be attracted the guy... once I know he's dated a friend or someone I know.... I don't even want to go near them with a ten foot pole. Same to goes to any guy that a friend of mine is interested in.
That and I don't believe in fighting over a guy, especially with someone who I once considered a friend. To me, it's just really petty to fight over a guy. I have no interest in such thing.
I rather just move on gracefully, to greener fields -- albeit one friend less in my already small circle.
Thank you guys once again. You've been a lot of help.
I read every single one of your advice and suggestions and it has given me much to ponder.
Just to answer a few questions that some of you asked:
My friend knew the full extent of my feelings. It's not like I'm expert in hiding these things. I'm probably as see-through as they come. In fact, lot of people figured out my feelings for this person.
The thing is that, this guy and I were starting to build up somewhat of a friendship you could say, since he knew I was looking for a new guitarist for my band, but then suddenly it stopped.
They both strangely begun hanging out and I did convey that I felt uncomfortable with their closeness. She kept saying "oh we're just friends." It was always same thing over and over until 2 months later... They, all of a sudden, started dating. I had already figured it out before she even confirmed it to me. I guess, I just wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, since I am prone to jumping to conclusions and over thinking stuff.
One thing I know for sure though... Personally, I don't want to have anything to do with said guy. Not because of any bitterness or anything weird like that.
It just goes against my beliefs, to date a guy whose dated a friend of mine. Even if I happen to be attracted the guy... once I know he's dated a friend or someone I know.... I don't even want to go near them with a ten foot pole. Same to goes to any guy that a friend of mine is interested in.
That and I don't believe in fighting over a guy, especially with someone who I once considered a friend. To me, it's just really petty to fight over a guy. I have no interest in such thing.
I rather just move on gracefully, to greener fields -- albeit one friend less in my already small circle.
Thank you guys once again. You've been a lot of help.
I am no relationship expert. And I can't feel for you. You feel what you feel, and so no amount of advice could make that go away. whether you are wrong or right... it is what it is.
though in my opinion, you have no claim whatsoever over the guy.
i will reverse the question, should your friend who is inlove with someone who is also inlove with her hold back and suffer herself just because someone else would be hurt. someone who have no right? now, if you are a girlfriend or a wife that is another matter. but because you are not... if you are a real friend, wish them well. and just walk away if you can't see them with an open mind.
though in my opinion, you have no claim whatsoever over the guy.
i will reverse the question, should your friend who is inlove with someone who is also inlove with her hold back and suffer herself just because someone else would be hurt. someone who have no right? now, if you are a girlfriend or a wife that is another matter. but because you are not... if you are a real friend, wish them well. and just walk away if you can't see them with an open mind.
In the spirit of giving totally unbiased advice, I didn't read your post at all thoroughly;
- life is too short to be fucking around with people who don't bring you joy
- don't ask poetry websites for life advice
- don't be a whiny bitch
- harden up and move on
- maybe get some counselling about your shitty self esteem that lets you consider such bullshit people as life choices
h.
- life is too short to be fucking around with people who don't bring you joy
- don't ask poetry websites for life advice
- don't be a whiny bitch
- harden up and move on
- maybe get some counselling about your shitty self esteem that lets you consider such bullshit people as life choices
h.
