From the ashes a fire shall be woken...

Started writing on here to try and work through the battle inside me.  Have struggled with the person I have become.  Hating myself, the demons have twisted me.  I see how much pain I cause my wife each day as I struggle, hating her for trapping me, for making me the bad guy.  Well there is a way to hurt her just one more time and then set her free. For those of you who reached out on here thank you.  I am such a weak wretched soul, I can't find my way to the hands extended and for that I am sorry. Fuck this world anyway, a person should not have to drift in misery hoping for the little things that float by, mocking him with the possibilities. For those with the morbid sense of curiosity that cannot help but read what is so obviously a suicide note, the decision was a fall. Read that 95 to 98 percent die from a fall between 10 and 15 stories. I know a spot that has access that is 8, looking to find a few more floors.  Yeah I have started writing now, but won't be dead for a week or so.  Have been in the spiral for a few days now and I know where it ends, but sadly I am too weak to save myself.  Read a poem last night and have only two words I need to share.  When this litany of excuses comes to an end they will be the finish, the culmination of my trip. Well today is a day of lasts for me, have set a date for Tuesday, 6 days from now.  Taking a long weekend so this will be my last day at work, seeing faces for the last time, sorry I can't say goodbye.  Just stopped in to see someone, a friend for sure, knowing I would never see them again and their face was already full of pain.  I find out their mother just passed away, my heart breaks and the melancholy overwhelms, I hope I can make it until Tuesday.  It seems this world is too much for my fragile soul. Went out to dinner with family and friends, will be the last time.  Was talking with my wife about what she was going to do while I was gone on my trip.  Thought I was just being nice, showing interest, she jumped me for trying to tell her what to do.  Seems everything I do will be wrong right up until the end. Laying here at 2am and can't sleep. Just laying here listening to her breathe and thinking about the fall. I am kinda obsessing over the parking garage and think that is where it will be, but what if it isn't high enough?  Trying to decide if I should get drunk first, and deciding what last messages to send.  I really feel bad for my psychologist.  She is a beautiful young girl who truly wants to help me. But I haven't been honest with her and that is my job, my obsessing, that is on me, Jenifer, when you read this, forgive yourself and know it is not you fault and I do not blame you.  The most amazing thing happened today, I started talking on DUP, not looking for solace or salvation, but by the end of the day I could see tomorrow.  Not Friday morning, not for the plans of mundane interactions, but TOMORROW, the day after I emerge from the fire and the ash. Tuesday has not totally relinquished its hold on me, but for the moment at least, I can imagine an after. Those two words that I read, to end this litany, in the light of day feel different.  Instead of the final sacrifice of a life, a scream to the heavens in defiance!!

NO MORE!