Poetry competition CLOSED 1st January 2017 6:38am
WINNER
SatansSperm
SatansSperm
Page:
DUP'S Funniest King/Queen Of Poetry
Poetry Contest Description
Write the funniest poem/roast/haiku
Since 2016 has been a pretty sucky year lately let's all write something that will make us laugh!
I want you to write me the funniest poem/roast and/or haiku the winner will be the funniest King or Queen DUP poet.
Rules
~ Note: Even though this is a comedy competition and I admire creativity of all types I have to address this I do not and I repeat I do not want any jokes that are extremely offensive or encourage hurting anyone to the point where it isn't funny anymore so remember take in consideration of this if not you WILL! be disqualified
~ Be funny
~ Be creative
~ One entry only
~ No Collabs
~ Any style you want
~ If you choose to do a roast it can be about another poet or about a celebrity whatever
You got one week, get started!
I want you to write me the funniest poem/roast and/or haiku the winner will be the funniest King or Queen DUP poet.
Rules ~ Note: Even though this is a comedy competition and I admire creativity of all types I have to address this I do not and I repeat I do not want any jokes that are extremely offensive or encourage hurting anyone to the point where it isn't funny anymore so remember take in consideration of this if not you WILL! be disqualified
~ Be funny
~ Be creative
~ One entry only
~ No Collabs
~ Any style you want
~ If you choose to do a roast it can be about another poet or about a celebrity whatever
You got one week, get started!
The Gloom of the Princess
There was a young princess who was broken-hearted.
Her love ended before it started.
She cried aloud in anguish and pain;
The entire kingdom was growing insane.
Out of her, the king couldn't get a word or two.
The queen didn't have the slightest clue.
The joyous dances of the maidens were in vain.
Too intense was her torturous pain.
One very late night, as the entire kingdom slept snuggled and tight,
A laughter so strong erupted of pleasant delight.
The laughter was so loud, the entire palace awoke from their sleep.
An investigation they hurried to seek.
They opened the door to the princess' room
To their surprise, she wasn't in gloom.
"Ah, feeling better, princess?" one maiden asked taking a seat.
To which the princess answered, "No, But it sure feels good to scratch one's feet."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A happy heart makes the face cheerful,
but heartaches crushes the spirit...
A cheerful look brings joy to the heart
And good news gives health to the bones."
Proverbs 15:13, 30
There was a young princess who was broken-hearted.
Her love ended before it started.
She cried aloud in anguish and pain;
The entire kingdom was growing insane.
Out of her, the king couldn't get a word or two.
The queen didn't have the slightest clue.
The joyous dances of the maidens were in vain.
Too intense was her torturous pain.
One very late night, as the entire kingdom slept snuggled and tight,
A laughter so strong erupted of pleasant delight.
The laughter was so loud, the entire palace awoke from their sleep.
An investigation they hurried to seek.
They opened the door to the princess' room
To their surprise, she wasn't in gloom.
"Ah, feeling better, princess?" one maiden asked taking a seat.
To which the princess answered, "No, But it sure feels good to scratch one's feet."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A happy heart makes the face cheerful,
but heartaches crushes the spirit...
A cheerful look brings joy to the heart
And good news gives health to the bones."
Proverbs 15:13, 30
Be a Pat
Pat is a gender unknown,
gender free's poster child.
Where could Pat be filed?
Look to the puzzle zone.
Was Pat a brother?
Is Pat a sister?
I don't know mister,
Pat is an only child.
Better than gender equality.
Freedom from gender oppression!
Pat will be the key expression.
Pat is the mark of sex constancy!
Would Pat like a periodical?
One completely gender free?
Pass the one on the right please!
The People magazine is logical!
What should this blank say?
The one next to sex?
Pat knows the answer best,
answering with a big yes!
The opposite sex is Pat's preference,
realized during hot night's passion,
the partners of this love fashioned -
a threesome with a man and woman!
Freedom from gender is the answer.
Gender unknown is a path forward.
Look to Pat echoes the chorus.
Be a Pat as the new gender standard.
Pat is a gender unknown,
gender free's poster child.
Where could Pat be filed?
Look to the puzzle zone.
Was Pat a brother?
Is Pat a sister?
I don't know mister,
Pat is an only child.
Better than gender equality.
Freedom from gender oppression!
Pat will be the key expression.
Pat is the mark of sex constancy!
Would Pat like a periodical?
One completely gender free?
Pass the one on the right please!
The People magazine is logical!
What should this blank say?
The one next to sex?
Pat knows the answer best,
answering with a big yes!
The opposite sex is Pat's preference,
realized during hot night's passion,
the partners of this love fashioned -
a threesome with a man and woman!
Freedom from gender is the answer.
Gender unknown is a path forward.
Look to Pat echoes the chorus.
Be a Pat as the new gender standard.
RED MEAT
(a satire of a social commentary)
I asked one-hundred men:
Is it something you should avoid -
BALL SWEAT?
Is it the bane of your existence,
that you
contemplate all you cannot fathom?
Like...
How your body has hair growing
where it never used to, and
no longer grows where you'd like?
Does it make you more aggressive,
or is it RED MEAT
that affects you in this way?
Is it the lack of oral sex,
or owning a dog,
that always detects your ball sweat?
But you don't want to switch to a cat
for fear of
what the neighbors might think.
Is this why road rage has
gotten worse over the years,
or exists at all?
Or is it a cry for help
when chafing from
all that sweat,
making pores larger from
masturbating
while stuck in gridlock?
...I've pondered these things lately.
(starts a new list of the next 100 men...)
(a satire of a social commentary)
I asked one-hundred men:
Is it something you should avoid -
BALL SWEAT?
Is it the bane of your existence,
that you
contemplate all you cannot fathom?
Like...
How your body has hair growing
where it never used to, and
no longer grows where you'd like?
Does it make you more aggressive,
or is it RED MEAT
that affects you in this way?
Is it the lack of oral sex,
or owning a dog,
that always detects your ball sweat?
But you don't want to switch to a cat
for fear of
what the neighbors might think.
Is this why road rage has
gotten worse over the years,
or exists at all?
Or is it a cry for help
when chafing from
all that sweat,
making pores larger from
masturbating
while stuck in gridlock?
...I've pondered these things lately.
(starts a new list of the next 100 men...)
How was your day ?
....well. since you asked...did you ever have one of those days...where you wake up late and your coffee maker overflows and you can't get your hair right and you cut yourself shaving ...BAD...and you can't find your glasses and the only clean socks are miss matched and your dog takes a crap on the floor and you step in it and you hurry out of the house ,after cleaning up the mess and it's raining and you did'n't grab a jacket and you step in a puddle and your feet are soaked and you run your hand across your face in despiration when you realize you are still bleeding and now it's all over and you missed a spot shaving and you drop your keys in a mudd puddle and you get in your car and it won't start..and your cell phone is dead....so you hail a cab and spend your last 17 dollars so you have nothing for a tip and the driver is pissed and he peels out as soon as you are out of the car and you walk into work over an hour late just to realize you don't work today....so you start walking the seven miles back home in the rain and you come upon an old homeless woman that takes one look at you and reaches into her cart and gives you her bag of cans...and you take it...now you are walking carrying the bag of cans ,still bleeding, soaking wet and a mangy dog runs up and starts biting your ankles...taking your left shoe....and you step in a hole and twist your ankle and smack your face off a fire hydrant giving yourself an instant black eye...and you get to the supermarket and start depositing the cans and the machine is full after like three cans so you have to go to the next one when you see the girl you have been casually flirting with for the last couple of months 'cause you really like her is coming out of the store and you know that she has seen you...and she feels bad and gives you a twenty and you know you are never ever going to get to show her your penis....and on the way out a car goes past and splashes gallons of dirty water all over you soaking the money you just got and the only taxi in the area is the one you just stiffed and now the wind stars blowing and you just sit down on the nearest bench and give up....yeah that's the kind of day I am having
....well. since you asked...did you ever have one of those days...where you wake up late and your coffee maker overflows and you can't get your hair right and you cut yourself shaving ...BAD...and you can't find your glasses and the only clean socks are miss matched and your dog takes a crap on the floor and you step in it and you hurry out of the house ,after cleaning up the mess and it's raining and you did'n't grab a jacket and you step in a puddle and your feet are soaked and you run your hand across your face in despiration when you realize you are still bleeding and now it's all over and you missed a spot shaving and you drop your keys in a mudd puddle and you get in your car and it won't start..and your cell phone is dead....so you hail a cab and spend your last 17 dollars so you have nothing for a tip and the driver is pissed and he peels out as soon as you are out of the car and you walk into work over an hour late just to realize you don't work today....so you start walking the seven miles back home in the rain and you come upon an old homeless woman that takes one look at you and reaches into her cart and gives you her bag of cans...and you take it...now you are walking carrying the bag of cans ,still bleeding, soaking wet and a mangy dog runs up and starts biting your ankles...taking your left shoe....and you step in a hole and twist your ankle and smack your face off a fire hydrant giving yourself an instant black eye...and you get to the supermarket and start depositing the cans and the machine is full after like three cans so you have to go to the next one when you see the girl you have been casually flirting with for the last couple of months 'cause you really like her is coming out of the store and you know that she has seen you...and she feels bad and gives you a twenty and you know you are never ever going to get to show her your penis....and on the way out a car goes past and splashes gallons of dirty water all over you soaking the money you just got and the only taxi in the area is the one you just stiffed and now the wind stars blowing and you just sit down on the nearest bench and give up....yeah that's the kind of day I am having
the poverty blues song
I've got damp on my walls and cobwebs in the hall
got a rat in the kitchen
where the cockroach crawl.
I got holes in my shoes
where my toes peep through
I got a bad case of the poverty blues.
I got a crack in my bathtub and bed bugs in my bed
I got things crawlin through my hair
that make me scratch my head
Got piles of bills collected by my door
the one's I should have paid a year or two or more.
I try to get myself sorted
but always seem to lose
I got a bad case of the poverty blues.
Guitar.
I got trouble in my hovel
and the place could do with a good clean
I may not be superman
but I try the best I can
I just find things so hard to do
Guess I got a bad case of the poverty blues.
Some people call me lazy
but I sure ain't crazy
I;m a man alone in the world what can I do
I got a bad case of the poetry blues.
I'd love to meet a girly
who could cook and clean
with lots of money
so I could live my dreams
one thet would say I do
so I no longer got to sing the poverty blues
say I no longer got to sing the poverty blues uesssssssssssssss.
Peter Dome. Copyright.2016.
I've got damp on my walls and cobwebs in the hall
got a rat in the kitchen
where the cockroach crawl.
I got holes in my shoes
where my toes peep through
I got a bad case of the poverty blues.
I got a crack in my bathtub and bed bugs in my bed
I got things crawlin through my hair
that make me scratch my head
Got piles of bills collected by my door
the one's I should have paid a year or two or more.
I try to get myself sorted
but always seem to lose
I got a bad case of the poverty blues.
Guitar.
I got trouble in my hovel
and the place could do with a good clean
I may not be superman
but I try the best I can
I just find things so hard to do
Guess I got a bad case of the poverty blues.
Some people call me lazy
but I sure ain't crazy
I;m a man alone in the world what can I do
I got a bad case of the poetry blues.
I'd love to meet a girly
who could cook and clean
with lots of money
so I could live my dreams
one thet would say I do
so I no longer got to sing the poverty blues
say I no longer got to sing the poverty blues uesssssssssssssss.
Peter Dome. Copyright.2016.
Time
Time elapsed
I feel I aint got no time left
cant find time for anything,where the time went?
Is it my time yet?
I need a time check
you sure that time's correct?
can you tell time or are you just flahing?
Oh'you include it to boost your style and fashion
Did I sound rude with that question?
Sorry...
Time-out
Time elapsed
I feel I aint got no time left
cant find time for anything,where the time went?
Is it my time yet?
I need a time check
you sure that time's correct?
can you tell time or are you just flahing?
Oh'you include it to boost your style and fashion
Did I sound rude with that question?
Sorry...
Time-out
I Am So Old - - - (for the Make Me laugh Comp)
I am so old
That according to
My accounts ledger
I still owe Moses 5 dollars
I am so old
I have to wear goggles
When cutting my toenails
Avoiding ricochets
I am so old
When I fart,
It doesn’t smell
And only dust comes out
I am so old
I could pass a small
Asian water buffalo
Through my loose sphincter
I am so old
I don’t need to masturbate
I just grab my cock and
Let the Parkinson’s do the rest
I am so old
That I can remember
Slavery being a damn good idea
Solving staff retention problems
I am so old
That I get an angina attack
Every time I get
A decent erection
I am so old
That I leak
Like a dripping
Drain pipe
I am so old
I can remember a time
Before racism
Was actually invented
I am so old
That I forget
The very thing
I can’t remember
I am so old
I have become talented
In being a nasty
Cantankerous old bastard
I am so old
I am closer to death
Than Siamese twins
About to be surgically separated
I am so old
I can’t remember
Why I hate you
And everybody else
I am so old
That according to
My accounts ledger
I still owe Moses 5 dollars
I am so old
I have to wear goggles
When cutting my toenails
Avoiding ricochets
I am so old
When I fart,
It doesn’t smell
And only dust comes out
I am so old
I could pass a small
Asian water buffalo
Through my loose sphincter
I am so old
I don’t need to masturbate
I just grab my cock and
Let the Parkinson’s do the rest
I am so old
That I can remember
Slavery being a damn good idea
Solving staff retention problems
I am so old
That I get an angina attack
Every time I get
A decent erection
I am so old
That I leak
Like a dripping
Drain pipe
I am so old
I can remember a time
Before racism
Was actually invented
I am so old
That I forget
The very thing
I can’t remember
I am so old
I have become talented
In being a nasty
Cantankerous old bastard
I am so old
I am closer to death
Than Siamese twins
About to be surgically separated
I am so old
I can’t remember
Why I hate you
And everybody else
