This is very difficult for me to explain,
For I never shared my story before.
This is for the ones who battle pain,
The kind of hurt that you can't ignore.
It all began when I was roughly fifteen,
My parents fought practically everyday,
Maybe that's why I had no self esteem,
I was belittled by what they used to say.
My step dad hated because I wasn't his,
My mom defended his insults towards me,
Honestly I knew that he didn't want kids,
He called me names and it hurt emotionally.
That asshole hit my mom one time in the face,
I tried to stop him and threw a knife at his head.
He went to my room and cruelly trashed the place,
That's when I first felt the desires to be dead.
I began cutting my arms and learned to like the pain,
I used a razor blade and sliced until I felt nearly numb
The hurt I inflicted was how I could function and maintain,
It was how I vented from the shit my step dad had done.
I hated life and a boy my age shouldn't feel at all like that,
I was using drugs and alcohol and breaking a lot of laws,
One night while high I hit the fucker with a baseball bat,
I hit him in the knee cap,stomach,and firmly in the balls.
I went to jail that night with a few charges under my belt,
In a six by nine cell I sat thinking about wanting to die,
I was emotionally unstable and I couldn't explain how I felt,
Confused mostly but right then and there I began to cry.
I carried a tiny razor in my mouth in case I was in trouble,
I took it out and without a second thought I cut both wrists,
My blood flowed out quickly,I was sleepy and seeing double,
I then closed my eyes and awaited upon deaths final kiss.
Note to readers:That was my first suicide attempt and although it was very serious I didn't die.I caused a lot of damage to the tendons in my hand and now have some nasty scars.I was fifteen then and now I'm in my thirty's and between then and now there'd be 7 more attempts on my life.The last attempt I made at my life was when I was 23 yrs old.I tried overdosing on heroin but the needle was dull and at the time my friend was having a seizure before my eyes.As he jerked and flopped I deserted my plans just to help my friend.To make a long story short I saved my friends life and had a life changing revelation.I went to school to be a paramedic and I'm also experienced in drug counseling.The important thing to remember is that we all are destined to be something great.The idea is to set apart your emotions and interests and open your heart and mind to your destiny.There's hope out there.