rehab

Methadone

For thirteen years

You held me in your bossom

Me so drugged up

Unaware I was in prison.

Everday I rose early

To drink your bitter juice

I was always in a crunch

To get my methadone and feel that rush.

I was kept isolated and alone

Swimming in your pink loveliness

It was all I needed to feel right at home.

No feelings, no love

No one could get in

No emotions allowed

With methadone this being unforgivable sin.

Awake all night

Asleep all day

Methadone you ruled my life

A king you truly reigned.

Less then one percent

Have ever succeeded to shake this habit

Crimsin you're a lifer

Freedom you can't have it.

A year later methadone free

In the one percentile

I can't belive this is me.

Getting to know who I truly am

Scary but exciting.

Trapped in that pink bubble for so long

I had abandoned my loved ones for a drug.

So I tread slowly on my shakey feet

This world for the first time facing head on

Without my methadone goggles on.

I won't say this trip has been easy

Sleepless nights, anxiety filled days

I wonder if my stomach will ever be straight.

Most days now I feel sane and secure

Still in my dreams

Methadone you do enter

To see if i'm home and lonely

You missing being my one and only.

I will succeed down this road

One day at a time as i've been told.

Getting to know myself the first hurdle

A puppet for a drug so long

It wrote my words and I just sang along.

New emotions, feelings and creativity

Feeling sexual, sexy

Is this really me?

I'm learning to see a beautiful person

No longer under a metadone haze

Less then one percent yep that's me hooray.

The Streets

I was thrown to the streets        
for being a momma          
at the age of fifteen.        
         
Not street wise by any means        
over protected          
by parents who thought this was wisdom.        
         
The first year I moved twenty five times        
it was always the same        
house slave or some man's play thing.        
         
Staying in homeless shelters        
I met people long on the streets        
I was intrigued.        
         
For the first time free          
from the wrath of my father        
I wanted to get lost in the land of the forgotten.        
         
Smoking pcp was my first intoduction        
to the bliss of the numb        
I could finally forget the shame          
my parents said I had become.        
         
Sleeping all day        
running the streets at night        
cruising with the cholos and cholas, I was having fun        
I finally had a family that accepted me        
getting high and fucking who ever I chose indiscriminately.      
         
The pain that stuck          
no one wanted to stay around for long        
they were young and didn't need a girl with a baby        
that's when I first met Jimmy        
still reeling from the pain        
I felt at the rejection of my family.        
         
He talked of soul mates and mojo        
A Native American        
I loved him from day one.        
         
He introduced me to banana splits and heroin        
in his arms I finally felt peace        
he was a warrior, street wise        
he kept the wolves from me.        
         
He taught me the art of short changing        
buying fast food          
and then saying they gave him the wrong change        
the food would pile up        
Jimmy would pull over and feed the homeless.        
         
We lived from motel to motel        
ripping and running        
soon Jimmy and I had started doing burglaries        
to feed our hungry habit        
after awhile the cops were looking for us        
we had become notorious.        
         
At the end of the day        
we would slam our dope        
knowing our time was growing short.        
         
When the detectives caught up with us        
Jimmy took all the blame        
and was put on the news for being infamous.        
         
Thirteen years was his sentence        
he's still in prison to this day        
he keeps getting new beefs        
because he is a fighter          
and never does what the cops say.        
         
I owe him my freedom for taking the blame        
i'm clean now, while Jimmy remains in chains        
I wish for him to get out some day          
and be free from prison and drugs    
I owe him my life though he introduced me to heroin    
he kept me alive when I just wanted to die.

A bitter sweet symphony indeed,
Cast in defeat it seems,
a catastrophe as I fall to my knees,
fast life living to commiserating miseries in a heart beat,

I'm left asking why has this happened to me?
like if I repeat this disastrous scene-
can I see what it actually means?
And give back these demons that terrorize my dreams?

this tragedy is snapped to my back like a monkey,
I am fucking lucky i didn't hurt anybody,
Physically I mean, it ruined my self esteem,
rattled my beliefs and removed my inner peace,

so I am forced to wrestle my inner beast,
and look at a reality in pieces to see that-
Maybe I needed to be speechless,
to realize my inner weakness,

Do I need me some Jesus?
Please, I'm going to lace up these Adidas,
I'm no genius, but got a thesis,
Mind over matter; psychokinesis,

So till I'm deceased my biggest enemy is me,
I won't concede, I'll sharpen my mentally-
keep my eyes on the target and firmly believe,
that if I harness my energy I will achieve,

You see, this valley is so deep,
So when I arrive at the peak my victory will be complete,
I pity those who haven't figured out this mystery,
that life liberties are sweetest after injury,

A history of mistakes and regrets,
like misspelled tattoos across the chest,
I wear these wounds not to impress,
but to remind myself of my mess i left,

You deserve this Crim. Methadone free too. Knew there was something...this is so good.

calamitygin said:You deserve this Crim. Methadone free too. Knew there was something...this is so good.

thank you lovely one