Erase and Rewind

Pick one moment in your life where you had to make a tough decision—Giving up smoking, quitting a job, going on a diet, putting a parent in a retirement home, making a bad choice in a relationship etc.

Now write a new poem about a fictional character who was faced with the same situation and choose to make the opposite decision. How did things turn out differently?

For your entry to qualify, you must post a critique of the entry above you at the beginning of your entry. If you are the first poster, a few lines to introduce your poem will suffice. Tell us all about your write, make us feel what was going through your mind at the time.

Rules

* One entry per person
* No word count
* New writes only
* No collabs
* You must post critique of the previous entry for your submission to be considered. The judging will be based on the critique as well as the poem.

I will not be judging this comp by myself. I'm going to ask a few guest judges to cast votes on this to keep things fair.

Any questions, shoot them my way, I don't bite.

Good luck!

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Thank you for your entry. As first poster however, you need to submit an introduction to your entry for it to qualify, as per the guidelines. Thanks.

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... right, so we'll start the critique from IronFears piece with the next entry. For those of you that would like to win.

Nicley written

Ok, I am going to kick off again - if that's okay, as the above doesn't seem to have worked for whatever reason.

The poem is going to cover my feelings towards a man I used to love. He called it infatuation and in the two years we spent together he, I felt, emotionally butchered me. The epitome of hot and cold, of a mind-fudge, of solitude when with someone. When he was "finally" (for the forth or fifth time) willing to commit, said he loved me too, I was in my current relationship. With the options presented to me I chose my current partner. He was consistent, if a little emotionally void, calm, brooding. That said, I can't help, from time to time, wondering how it would play out if I'd chosen the him who took up my young years, the him who made me race my own mind in circles.


Jet black

I bestowed my hand,
gave in and ran, with you, to your burnt red motor.
I didn't look back, stomach churning, picturing the empty man's face. (Heart was beating

ten to the dozen.)
We drove,
fast down the country bends, windows down, inhaling cut grass and blessed caution to no body.

You were in your light pyjamas, I was two days worn from camping
with a prior lover, the book I gave you of my
mind in Europe sat between us like the blocks we seemed to find.

We pulled over, met at the bonnet, you touched me on the bridge, set my skin electric
and the sun went down and we slept the night in the back of the car - and we were together.

I ran my fingers through your jet black hair
and you told me the best was yet to come.
The moon and the owls and the cast shadows made it closer than close to perfect.

The Sun woke us,
and the Monday morning traffic -
and you were changed, got out of the car;
slammed the door and sparked

a cigarette. I matched those movements.
We sat on a field edge in silence.
I put my spare hand out, hoped you'd hold it. The familiar hollow feeling lurked within.

I ran my fingers through my dyed, dried purple hair
and you told me nothing, you gave me nothing.
The sun and the cars and the chill in the air made it closer than close to oblivion.

Challenge

every new day that goes by another attempt to try and try.
I never wished for you and I to have said goodbye.
I realized now I need you now more than ever and it's no lie.
I just wish we could now see eye to eye.
but now all I have this space and time.
but if I could go back I wouldn't hesitate it'd be no crime.
to fix a love now lost is something I wish to find.
my love is still there and that's something I don't wish to sacrifice.
for I am yours and you are mine.
our souls forever intertwined.
but take as long as you need for I'll wait here in the void.
for when we reunite I'll be most overjoyed.

*facepalm* come on people, read the rules. I will stress this again. You must post a critique of the previous entry for your entry to count. Judging is based on the critique as well as the entry.

Eidolon_ghost you need to post a critique of the previous poem for your entry to count.

Imperfectedstone thank you for kicking this off with some sort of sane submission, with a great entry.

Any more takers for this?

Poppy,

pretty good stuff. It starts off very well, a nice pace and a nice rhythmic meter aided by some subtle rhyme and punctuation.

what may let you down, I think, is the clash of tense which mostly happens in the first stanza:

"I didn't look back, stomach churning"

I suppose if you stick one of : <~ those after back it may help, but it msy be easier all round if you transposed it all into past tense:

"I didn't look back, stomach churned"  etc. there's a couple of words will need changing if you're of the mind to


That said, after the first stanza  there's little to no clash. you have some nice descriptions which make your imigary easy to picture and feel what was running through your mind.

I think one of the main veins of thought i drew  from reading this was along the lines of that old addage ' familiarity breeds contempt ' and it is rather relatable.

so happy days, lady, good stuff

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Erase(d) rewind


he answered the phone
told the man on the other end
his son was asleep on the couch
and though its probably nothing to worry about
theres a chance he'd fallen off the wagon

Oh thank f*ck, another sensible entry. Cheers!

Any more takers?

hey craic, your piece, Man, I would call it a "simple mystery". you left the reader with a curiosity and a small confusion

Well.. thanks to you, I was inspired

What If
What if I'd said no, I don't wanna live at uncle's place would you've listen?
What if I'd taken you back would you be able to control your cheating?
What if I'd blabbered like you with others, would you've told me your secrets?
What if I didn't finish your project with you, would you've given me this respect?
What If I didn't go to church or didn't pray, would you've sent me to hell?
What If I didn't give a fuck about any of you, would you've still called me on my cel?

i enjoyed the read dejure, succinct it is .... i love it when a poem enables me to visualise the 'event'... this you did, ie. i saw 'them' standing in a row and you 'shot' them down with your words one by one...good write...


my words

you gave me your point of view in perfect prose
beautifully written, I read it again and again
angst is building within, how will I reply
what we have, I don't want to loose
I know I need to tread carefully

now is not the time to bare my soul

softly spoken, my words float to you
you smile that wicked smile that melts my heart
your eyes blaze like the noonday sun as I move into your arms
inwardly thankful my words are those you wanted to hear

Bare with me, I haven't forgotten you. I've passed this on to a couple of lovelies to judge this for me and I'll be back with a winner shortly.