Why to Hold On

Another uplifting competition from Yours Truly, Lost Girl. Let's just say I'm enduring one of the most complicated times in life. Please don't make jokes; I need it very seriously. I thank you all so much. Love, Toni

I empathize with you entirely, but perhaps you can swap out the image here in your post? If I do it, the whole thread gets hidden and I think the topic is a valid one to write about, so I'd like to leave it and even participate,  but the image is sort of leaning toward violence involving children. Thanks.

"from here to that side of dawn"

i bet
you see a realist in your reflection
a girl that figures
she knows when she's beat
deciding whether or not
this is the time
weighing it carefully
because you see the finality
want to make sure
you're really finished with life

or you're tired
busted open
and is it really worth the work
to climb back up to the peak
you fell from

the high point
surely
has been and gone on this timeline
and maybe
there's some kind of do-over
in a different shape
on a different plane
another year in another hundred thousand days
or it could be just
rest
where you don't have to deal
with this mess
the impossible tangle of thoughts/words/concrete walls
none of this goddamned emotion that keeps you
paralyzed
at all
anymore

what if the hardest thing you can do
is hold on
but you do it anyway
for a while
just to see
and another while
after you have  
the beauty in the small joys
you would've never known
if you'd left the other day

what if your do-overs
roll over at every dawn
and what if
a smile is victory enough
for the first one

i bet
your hands are burning
i bet your eyes and chest are filled
with all the suffocating excess
of a house on fire

but never forget
when the very shirt
that shelters your shoulders in the cold
drags you further from your chance to breathe
you can drop everything else, girl
lose everything
but what makes you whole

remember

when darkness looms
like clouds on a distant horizon,
remember that light soon follows

take hold of a star
let it burn in your hand
searing memories of pain and gladness
into your very skin
let your eyes mist in hurt and
settle yourself in for the long night
but hold to that small glow
let it guide you
from the shadows

we are dreamers and lovers
of fantastical places and smiles
cling to them like a lifeline
even with your weak grip,
it will see you through
we love the stars too faithfully
just to cower in this darkness

 To sleep in blankets made from song    

There is someone
waiting to rock your dreams
in gently cradled arms
and whisper in their little ears
of all the beauty they could be

and by the strength of his suckled hopes
holding the strings of his loving heart
become the spring rains
on desert plains
a whisper soothing on sleepless nights

while his nuzzling nose
hums hymns of gentle rest
until your lashes kissed
and bid the night farewell

don't leave him
to shred his hands
on shattered shards
piecing together hopeless wishes
of lives lived
and futures born

let him dream the dark away
to wake to golden walls
breathing ever living life
into a hopeful love
and let your home
become its holy shrine



bleurgh... Reading that probably gave you diabetes

Darling You'll be okay,
Darling I know things May seem Fucked up,
and Life is one Big Game,
You can't win and You can't Lose,
Darling it'll be okay,
I know im not in your Shoes,
But Darling we all have something to lose,
Darling your gonna be okay,
Your Not gonna die today,
Today isn't the Day you end your Life,
No,
Everything's Gonna be Alright,
Because Darling You've Gotta Fight,
Darling everything's gonna be Okay,
Just Lay your Head down, and Sleep until the Next Day..
Darling your gonna be okay..

Fold your demons up bleeding
and drink to devour all they
choose to gain defeat on you
they only wish to gain a chase
and grasp of your fluid and
wishes so preempt that by
being kind to strangers I
refuse to believe you would
not trust my true words of
honor as sanity is ripped
from your Time's membrain
so remember to be here now
for there is no place else but
to be you =

Why I Live

I’m a list-maker; I can’t remember anything I must do, or accomplish anything, unless I write it down, and perhaps, sometimes, a list is necessary to keep everything in perspective, including remembering why it is that I need to live, period.  At times, the list of “Why I Live”, has been far shorter than the list of “Why I Should Not Live”, but as I continue to live, the past lists make more sense and some entries even seem insignificant, now, when they originally presented an obstacle I feared I’d never be able to hurdle over.    So I share my present “Live” list with you, in hopes that you may find something there that could be added to your own list, which like mine, I’m sure is ever changing and morphing, as you add to it, new things, and cross off from it, those things that don’t matter anymore, or that you’ve somehow earned yet another battle scar from conquering it, whatever “it” is.

1.      The first reason why I live is quite simple:  I forgot to fill the gas tank, before I shoved the hose up the car’s tailpipe, 28 years ago.  I probably neglected to write “Buy Gas”, on my list at the time, but it worked out such that a stupid blunder, became the tipping point between life and death.

2.      I have come to realize that God decides when it’s time for me to give up the ghost—not me.

3.      My Grandmother didn’t make it to 100, like she really wanted to, so I guess in the name of continuing to be her caretaker although she’s gone, I must try to make it to 100, for her.

4.      As much as my daughter tells me to fuck off, at times, I know that she still needs me, whether or not she cares to admit it.

5.      Someday I hope to be a Grandmother, myself, and be able to gloat that I can still shop at Forever-21.

6.      There’s really no way to be a neat-freak about suicide; any way you off yourself, there’s still some form of a mess for someone else to clean up, so I may as well direct that energy into making sure my house is as sterile as it can be.

7.      Killing oneself is exactly what the Devil wants me to do, to forfeit all the promises and blessings that God has in store for me, and Heaven forbid I give anyone the last laugh, other than myself—and Jesus too.  Yeah, JC will always have the bigger last laugh.

8.      It even says so in the Bible, and sometimes I need to keep re-reading the following verses:

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.  Jeremiah 29:11

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10

The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. Psalm 34:17

9.      I’m going to be 50, in less than two years, and that’s my cut-off point for the Crap-Fest; I will not be dragged through life’s Dung Gate, anymore, once I turn 50.  If I’m going to live to be 100, for Gram, then dammit, my next 50 years had better be a lot more fun and fulfilling than my first 50 were.

10.      I survived cancer, so I guess if I can survive that, I can survive many other things.

11.      Life insurance doesn’t pay up, on suicides, and I sure don’t want to stiff my daughter of a windfall of cash.

12.      There is always someone who has had worst troubles than me—look at all the Holocaust Survivors.

13.      There is always one more cemetery for me to photograph, that I haven’t seen yet, and one more set of railroad tracks I can sprint down, when I need a good mental release.

14.      I’ve discovered a brand of flavored, carbonated water, that I really love, that doesn’t taste like a saline laxative, and I must drink more of these, as it helps to keep that extra 10 pounds at bay—simple things, you know?

15.      I’m not done writing yet;  there’s more poems, reflections and plenty of dark humor, milling around in me, that must be written down.

16.      I would really like to pass the exam, to become certified as a Specialist in Blood Banking—personal accomplishment, plus it will send a lovely message to my nemesis at work, that no, just because you’re supervisor, doesn’t mean you have one up on me.

17.      I’ve let go of many things that have hurt me, but have been give more to carry for a while, and alright, God—let’s have at it;  I’m gonna trust you to get me past finding out my husband is gay, and work this out, because you know as well as I, that he thinks I don’t know this.  “Awkward!”

18.      I found the most beautiful place down in Connecticut, where I’d really like to relocate to!  I’m actually excited about something for once, and I hope it’s in the cards for me.  There’s a huge cemetery there, an Amtrak stop since it’s 40 minutes from New York City, and it’s a little town within a larger city, that just reeks of old New England style, which I’m used to.  

19.      I’m sure there’s another troll, spammer or plagiarist, lying in wait, to try to tear DUP apart;  fuck ‘em.  I have the Ban-Button.

20.      I have a really cool friend, who I never expected to have…..he wrote my favorite song, back in the 1980’s when his band was big on the Alternative Scene……I wrote a song, recently with him…….he has all the same weird interests and oddities that I do……he’s been through a bunch of crap, too…..he’s really handsome…….maybe God allowed us to meet at this point in our lives, because you know that God sends people to us at the times when we need them……he’s really handsome……maybe we’ll keep needing each other, down the road…… he’s really handsome….

21.      I have to keep things light, or else they’ll get too heavy, and the weight of the world on me, isn’t good.

22.      I have to be the light, for some who are walking paths, I’ve already walked.

23.      I have to keep following the light—the one at the end of the tunnel, and hope that it isn’t an oncoming train…. But trains are really cool, and I hope I can have one of my own someday.

24.      And lastly, at least for now, I have to believe that everything happens for a reason, and those painful, transitional periods that fell full of nothing but despair, are actually those times that are meant to refine me, for the former things not needed are being stripped away, and new things are being sewn in.  The weight I feel, is actually God, pushing me down on the springboard, to the point of feeling like it will break, only to let it fly and launch me to a greater distance than I could have ever done on my own.

25.      I have to keep making lists, and hopefully, cross of a number of things on this one, at some point.

###

I would say to you,  DON`T,  TONI , please dont

It happened to me,that I missed a friend
Not only a friend,a companion,a lover,a loved one
I can easily say,my heart broke into pieces
At that very moment,when I got the news
That he had committed suicide
And I have never ever gotten used to
the fact

That he had left this earth and place
I still love him
(even though I found new love)
But noone will ever be like HIM


Love never dies,but bleeds
Its ME  talking Toni
Here is my poem about him anyways


YOUR SOUL
---------------------

Your soul walked through mine this night
Hesitant steps on the pavement
I am watching from the window
Gazing through the dim light
I hear your voice that says
Fare well, good night

It is of a tale I am reminded
When endless days euphorically blinded
By an overcasting sun
Like a child I would run

Diamond days and Opal night
As my dragon heart was found
By blooming love unbound
Suddenly a silence without sound

I saw the sea in your eyes
I heard the meaning of knowing
That the stream of things
Is forever flowing

United and entwined we became
As I lay at your feet, tame
Like wax waning slow, on
The wings of a dove, Love

You were a broken bird
Sometimes the flame died in your eyes
Broken pieces of scars made you hurt
Now I hear your crumbled cries

Once you met an angel
But he did not wear a crown of thorns
Once you tasted escape
Poison took you in its dark cape

First it showed you its trick
Until the flying times were over
The powder made you sick
Still it had you in its claws

You came to learn to lie
I saw through the key hole
You told me you would die
Your mortal soul, whole

Your veins are dust
Angel dust they say
I know it was emptiness
That took you away

You made your final flight
The broken bird dropped from the 14th floor
Out goes the light
You are, no more

Fare thee well
my love
Good
Night

There's a brighter side coming
Bask in the sheer blessings that
You don't see on the horizon
Hope for today
Live in the moment
Fight through
Pain
Hurt
Disappointment  
Fright
Misunderstanding and
Forge on
Second by second
Minute by minute
Hour by hour
Day by day
Morning by morning
Night by night
You can make it
You can make it
Oh yes
I believe
You can make it

I wish I could take your sorrow away
Share your pain and find the right words to say,
Dealing with life sometimes we don’t know what to do.
But you’re not alone, I’m right here with you.
Don’t lose faith… don’t throw it all away.
There’s always hope with each new day.
I’ve been at that point where burdens make you want to live no more.
It’s then that you have to remember that there’s always something worth fighting for.
I won’t lie and say I know exactly what you’re going through.
But, you’ll be okay, I see the strength in you.

There is so much you know that your life is about
And there is much more you think that you cant live without
Your faith is the cornerstone of much more to come
Don't throw it away because you feel its time to succumb
We struggle and battle and we cant always win
But every new day is another chance to begin
Life is not always a basket of roses
but look outside yourself and give others purposes
Once we look outward and stop looking within
Its easier to deal with the situations we are in
Others have problems and they stay alive
It might give you the reason you need to survive

tossed aside freely
unappreciated gift
ignore the wrapping
don't glorify the labels
incomparable footprints

Toni--I can't reply to your message unless you reactivate your account--this website won't allow messages to be sent to closed accounts. Please open it back up so I can respond, as I would like to touch base with you.  Thanks!