When Lost Love Haunts

I drink my coffee black.


Stirring sugar into it,
Is the vision I have of you,
As we sat sipping in the morning,
And the taste of your lips,
That still lingers,
Decades later.

Cream mixed in becomes,
The liquid chocolate of your skin,
Still brings tingling to mine,
And is a memory,
That delights my eyes,
Decades later.

Decades later,
Still,
Heartache,
Heartbreak,
Hurt,
Regret.

In lament,
I drink my coffee black.

Sadly


The memories have faded,  
And with them,  
Much of the pain.  
 
As those memories faded,  
The anger,  
Why him?  
Why not me?  
Vanished,  
Wondrously,  
Completely.  
 
Bright colorful snapshots,  
Replaced by,  
A mellowed image,  
Washed out,  
Nearly lost to the fog of time,  
Grainy,  
Nearly transparent,  
Gray,  
Shadowy.  
Remembrances,  
Of what once was.  
 
Bits still survive,  
In Sepia.  
 
I held your hair back,  
While you vomited,  
Your too much beer,  
You had at the party.  
 
Walking across campus,  
My arm around your waist,  
Your hand in my back pocket.  
 
Walking in the warm spring rain,  
Soaking wet,  
Laughing,  
We were so very young.  
 
There are many,  
No longer vivid,  
Still warm me at night,  
Faded,  
Not forgotten.  
 
I thought of you,  
The other day,  
When Joanie,  
Died.  
Alone.  
Breast cancer.  
 
Your wedding was the week,  
After mine.  
Yours ended,  
Mine is dying.  
 
I Googled,  
The name,  
I knew you by;  
Nothing.  
 
I Googled,  
The name you took,  
Marrying him,  
Before divorcing him;  
Nothing.  
 
Vanished.  
 
Sadly

I can't tell what came before
love, lust and a needless gain
these walls still tell a tale
of a lover lost and done
left to wander through life less ordinary
through neglect and misdeeds my youthful mind sailed
to shores of bliss and childlike desires
she kissed me deep and told me thus
"follow me to where broken heart rowed"
entwined in ecstasy the story takes a new turn
bent crooked and left to kiss her vanishing light
left to wonder how love lost its touch
"is this the gain it had to offer?"
sacrifices of sleepless nights and screaming thoughts
torn from within with thoughts of you
i love you i really did
but what happens now i can't really say
love hurts, it really does
a lonely soul, an oceans soul

Sounds easy to leave what is gone in the past
But not when it is carried everyday in the heart
Thoughts evolve and bear a form
Ghostly haunted on and on

Right now it is healthy to let go
To walk out of this mess and look ahead
But everytime I try I hear the whisper twice
Remember her eyes,her eyes

Those bright and pretty eyes
Once stirred my soul to love
Just looking into her eyes
My soul was pacified

But that peace is gone
Insanity is all that's left
I feel so empty on my own
So lonely even though I'm not alone

Why will no other fit?
Why can't I just put her behind me?
I cross my heart with every daylight
But  the whisper returns at night

Remember her smiles,her smiles
Rolling pictures,scenes from happy times
Things we use to do in the shady places of town
Temperatures drop,completely I break down

Gone,Gone,faraway
But yet she feels so near
Pain is nothing new,alas
I'm caught up in my past

Hopeless thoughts of what I thought we'd be
Lost dreams of yesteryears
I close my eyes against my choice
Again comes the voice

Remember her voice,her voice
That harmonious melody of true lies
It refreshes the intensity of the misery I feel
Sadly,the voices still appeal

The future of my miserable love-life
Is trapped in a hopeless place
With all these events constantly hauled from behind
Peace and sanity I might never find

I hope this fits your criteria. Its not new

"Always"

"Why do they hate us?" Because we were different, and that scared them.
 And we were in love, and that scared them even more.
 We had no boundaries, no lines, We had no rules.
 I kept loving you, through the threats, I loved you so they killed you.

 I killed you. Me, My Love.  Its my fault.  I Loved you too Much. Im sorry.
 Your gone but your the only thing I think about.
 You are the only thing in my heart .Im so sorry.
 Im so sorry. Im so sorry. Come back. Come back. Don't leave me here alone.

 This place, in my head, where I'm stuck, it hurts. I hurt. Please.
 I hate you. I hate you. Yes. No. I hate me. I killed you. I killed you.
 Don't leave me. Come back. Its my fault. Please.
 Please come back. Take me instead! Please.
 I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I never meant it.

Your gone. I killed you. I let you die. Its my fault.
 For one moment, I was happy And that means I let you be dead.
 No no no no no. Please. No. I'm sorry. I won't let you be dead. No.
 Don't leave. Don't leave.

How long shall I mourn thee? Thou who art dead to me  
yet still may I chance upon your spectre in mostly every corridor of my mind.  
Around whos corners you reach out and grab me.  
Dragging me to the deepest recesses of such bitter woe and sad self pity.        
And when I am granted some respite from the drudgery of my waking hours, in resting, rest I not.
 For haunted I am, by ghosts of you , even into my wildest dreams, to torture me there.      
Is there no escaping you?      
You who are the express image some foul beast wearing the skin of some wonderous fairy?      
Could it be that some small copy of you burrowed its way into my brain whilst I slumbered?      
There to carve out a home for itself and poke me with white hot prickers?      
What dastardly deed was done by me that I may deserve such a fate as this? Who sent thee?      
God? Satan?      
Yes the later seems befitting. For it is by the mere memory of you that I am driven to such fine madness and utter destitude.        
Be gone from me!        
Trouble me no more!      
You who posess more beauty than a baby's smile      
And more evil than the devils wiles.      
Be gone from me I say!      
Trouble me no more...

Full of Grace

You have had your fingers in my soul,    
Since I was a boy &      
Are the most ethereally beautiful woman      
I have ever seen.    
     
I have traveled this world      
In search of beauty and love    
& have never felt so moved      
By any other human face.    
     
I now know why all throughout my life,      
I have run from you,    
the thought of loving you,      
& being near your light.    
     
Your magnificent presence of being,      
a force of love and Art,      
Of a nurturing, miraculous center of Om.    
     
It is because    
That if I ever had or lost you:    
     
Ever had known the heights to which two humans    
Could experience utter and complete knowing.    
     
Ever had known the pleasures      
Of flesh and sweat,    
To the extent of euphoricly dangerous ecstacy.    
     
Ever had known such familial oneness,      
As to cease being an indivisual consumer      
Of energy & space.    
     
And then to have to face      
The tortuous reality of loss,      
On such a scale, that would rival armageddon.    
     
And be banished,    
To the profanely cold existence      
Of the lover who lost,      
But had tasted such sweet manna.    
     
And be damned      
To the lowest scale of existence,    
That of the architect of one's own doom.    
     
You see,      
Our end,      
Through my doing or yours,      
Would have been the end of me.    
     
I could not have afforded the risk,      
I was and am a coward,      
Afraid of my own potential to transcend.    
     
The obscene conditioning      
Of my profession,    
Unable to tear the black murderous thread    
I have let be woven into my soul,      
That is,      
My skill and ability,      
To kill another human.      
     
Why? You might ask,      
Do I share this with you,    
Decades after we were closer than now......    
     
It is immature and improper,      
Unfaithful and uncalled for,    
Maybe, indeed....but I am no longer afraid.    
     
You see Death strode near me here,      
Leaving burning footprints all around...    
   
And I do not ask anything of you      
Other than to read      
these words, and know previously unspoken truths.    
     
If for nothing more,      
Than to humor, an old coward,    
Who ran from his destiny,      
& denied his dreams.    
     
Who drowned the better Angels of his nature,    
In their own tears of anguish!    
     
After signing on with the Blue Machine,    
That drops death from the Heavens.    
     
Onto children in wrong clothes,      
Who go to wrong places of worship,      
Who speak wrong languages,      
& spend wrong monies.    
     
Whose parents heed wrong laws,      
In wrong cities,      
wear wrong clothes,      
That paid dividends to wrong stock holders.    
     
Who invested in wrong companies,      
Who display wrong loyalties,    
Who love in wrong ways,      
In wrong family structures.    
     
And now, stands,      
In the wake of his own awakening,    
At the end of his health & sanity.    
     
Know this hidden truth,      
Then forget it,      
The magic is only in this telling,      
The theory is stronger      
Than the practice.    
     
I do not wish for a new destiny,      
Mine is written &    
Does not allow for editing,      
The script is final.    
     
I only hope now that you may feel,      
A small flicker of heat    
From love never given,      
& a love never lost.    
     
You remain the bittersweet memory,      
& truly, as Buckley said:      
"a tear, that hangs inside my soul......forever"

Broken

http://static.tumblr.com/206efc672bf6a2bde673b13992b4c9dd/wj4vikr/cNVmmcul3/tumblr_static_gif_235x244_49fd22.gif

I start my day,
with the echoes of you.
The echoes that are in my heart,
but an empty room.

The nightmare that still
lingers,
from the night before.
You invade my sleep,
all in a blur.

A dull ache stalks me,
through out the day.
I see your face,
on every person who walks
my way.

My fright and pain
are clogged up in my throat.
I'm suffocated my the obsession
I dared to call love.

Out of work,
and back at my empty abode.
Knowing that your presence here
is intangible,
the peace shan't be restored.

For no peace in me,
is salvageable.
Happiness is moot.
Yet my heart still
suffers in silence like a fool.

Stripped naked
from my emotions.
I was left high and bare.
Feeling so dry, so hallow.
There's nothing left to share.

So I'm off to bed.
Tired, abandoned, lifeless,
void and drained.
Back to the same recurrent nightmares.
To wake up to same pain,
all over again.

You came to my door on one gorgeous night,
The romance of your visit filled me with delight,
It lasted only a few moments before you called out in regret,
That you came to see, and now we both fret.

After our act of passion you found a small tear,
At the end of the rubber that you had to wear.
You left in a hurry and filled me with pain,
Why come to see me if so filled with disdain.

I am hurt deeply, and my heart is broken.
It didn't take much, just the few words you've spoken.
I now have a scar that I'm forced to bare,
And it seems to me that you really don't care.

Onward I've moved, and the pain I have taken.
My moment with you was a moment mistaken.
Only once did I share with you the anger I know,
From the pain that I have, I now hope to grow.

http://favim.com/orig/201102/26/Favim.com-2320.jpg

Strange the Process

The day my father left,
all the days he left,
something was erased,
something grew transparent.

I can be walking, sitting in the car
at lunchtime. Suddenly I remember
I am irrevocably without you.
A paralysis sweeps over me.
My body grows numb and it almost
hurts to move.

I wonder why I am programmed
this way, what this ache and yearning
accomplish in my neurology, physiology.
It is like a sort of process
comparable to defecation -
it's serves a purpose yet is
so very ugly when you think about it,
so illogical it should have been
replaced long ago with wiring
more elegant, more pragmatic.

Love, like feces, is a reminder we humans
are still loathsome animals.
Still lost and crawling on
hands and knees in the dark.

The acute pain of your face
in my head, the longing to be
splayed open for you in a bed
when nothing like that is coming,
what's the point? Is it so I'll
try to find your surrogate, keep
populating the earth with
outcasts like me, people with
too much hunger and sensitivity,
wasting time and air and resources,
not functioning or giving to society,
doing damage to their bodies in order
not to hurt? Barely getting by and
haunted by pictures in gilded frames?

I once read a doctor saying our brains
process the loss of love similarly
to physical pain. Evolution might
have meant the pain to alert
us to physical danger or harm
so we can take protective action.

But there is no protection from the want
of you. I'd go back and have you all
over again despite all I know now.
I'd give anything for your body
inside me even if it met a life of hell
eternally after.

I guess all I can say is Maslow,
go f*ck yourself. I look forward
to the day I'm too old to have
a wretched libido and only have
to look forward to a picturesque,
random scattering of pink pills
on a tray.