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Jokes and Riddles repository

rabbitquest
Dangerous Mind
Ukraine 2awards
Joined 20th May 2012
Forum Posts: 2051

if i were a dinosaur
i would be from
the spermatozoic period

Rogerh
Twisted Dreamer
United States
Joined 25th Jan 2018
Forum Posts: 5

A blonde and a brunette were on an elevator with a handsome man with dandruff on the broad shoulders of his expense Italian suit. As he stepped off of the elevator he heard the following conversation,
Blonde: "He sure is handsome"
Brunette: "He sure is but someone needs to give him Head And Shoulders"
Blonde: "How do you give shoulders?"

rabbitquest
Dangerous Mind
Ukraine 2awards
Joined 20th May 2012
Forum Posts: 2051

what is younger than you
but later on is older than you?

rabbitquest
Dangerous Mind
Ukraine 2awards
Joined 20th May 2012
Forum Posts: 2051

as a sex worker
i start my job around 9 PM
and am usually off the cock by 7am
the next morning

rabbitquest
Dangerous Mind
Ukraine 2awards
Joined 20th May 2012
Forum Posts: 2051

Dpctor: 'hows your sex life?'
Man:  "Sex?, No Problem!"


Wife: " how about sex?"
Man: "Sex, no.   Problem"

rabbitquest
Dangerous Mind
Ukraine 2awards
Joined 20th May 2012
Forum Posts: 2051

After the swarm of birds
Attacked the bakery
The police cautiously approached
The crumb scene

rabbitquest
Dangerous Mind
Ukraine 2awards
Joined 20th May 2012
Forum Posts: 2051

My gym membership...didn't work out...

Orc_Pirate_68
Sabrina Kirk-Caldwell
Thought Provoker
United States 5awards
Joined 29th June 2018
Forum Posts: 305

"What's hotter than the 4 trillion degrees Celsius "atom smasher" at the Brookhaven National Laboratory in Upton, Long Island, New York, more attractive than the 25 Tesla magnet at National High Magnetic Field Laboratory at Florida State University, more flawless than "The Oppenheimer Blue" diamond, more beautiful than a lullaby, sweeter than lugduname, more intelligent than all the most intelligent people in the world put together, more mannerly and sophisticated than royalty, more respectful and peaceful than Ghandi, Wiser than an old hermet, of better morals than a conscience, and ages better than Pule Chesse?

-Brad Dourif, of course! Everyone knows that!"


"What do you call a fallen star?
         -Brad Dourif!"


"What happens to non-Brad Dourif fans?
    -They die alone and in pain!"


"What is Beethoven doing right now?
           -Decomposing."


"Why did the bank robber get arrested?
         -because he robed a bank, duh!"


"What do you call a sad strawberry?
           -a blueberry."


"A black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. The Bartender asks: "Where did you get it?"
-"Africa" replied the parrot."


"What is the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
- a pizza doesn't scream when you put it in an oven."


"What is the difference between a baby and a pizza?
-A pizza doesn't scream when you put it into the oven."


"Wanna see a magic trick?" *walk up to other person in a wizard costume/hat*

Other person "Sure."

-"Poof! Your a little bitch."
*Walk away*"


"Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?"

"No, what happened?"

-"He pasta way."


"What do you call Santa when he has no money?
  - Saint "Nickel" less."


"What do you get when you cross Santa with a gardner?
 -Someone who likes to "hoe, hoe, hoe"."


"How do you make a tissue dance?
 -Put a little boogie in it!"


"When is a door not a door?
-When it is ajar."


"Hey, I got my grades back,"
 Other person: "Really?"
-"They're below C-level!"


"When is a tail not a tail?
-When it is a-wagon."


"How do you make a mango shake?
-Take it to a scary movie!"


"A man died after eating too much whipped cream.
-his body will be cremated."


"I'd make a joke about a cane, but it's 'snort' the best."


"Did you hear about the guy who died while masterbating?
-He came and went!"


"I'd tell you a sodium and hydrogen pun, but, NaH!"


"Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
-Because they taste funny."


"How many bananas does it take to paint a dog house on Jupiter?
-None! Waffles can't fly!"


"What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?
-We are both lawyers."


"What do you call a vampire who is three miles from a blood bank?
-a cab."


"Where does Dracula go water skiing?
   -Lake Eerie!"


"A ghost walks into a bar
  "I'm just here for the boos."


"Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
    -Because he was standing on the deck!"

"Why couldn't the eleven year old get into the pirate movie?

Because it was rated "arrr"!"

"Why didn't the skeleton dance at the Halloween party?
        -Because he had no body to dance with!"


"What type of music do mummies like best?
    -Wrap music!"


"When do vampires like horse racing?
    -When it's neck and neck!"


"What type of monster really loves dance music?
    -The boogie man!"


"Why do pirates always carry a bar of soap?
    -So if shipwrecked, they can wash themselves ashore!"


"What type of T.V. do you find inside of a haunted house?
    -A wide scream T.V.!"


"What is the most popular computer game among crows?
    -Caw of Duty!"


"What do you call a dentist who cleans a Werewolf's teeth?
    -Crazy!"


"Why are Vampire Bats like false teeth?
    -They both come out at night!"


"Who speaks at the ghost's press conference?
    -The spooksperson!"


"What does a black cat do when it gets mad?
    -It has a hissy fit!"


"What do demons have for breakfast?
    -Devilled eggs!"


"What do you do if you see a zombie?
    -Hope it's Halloween!"


"What is the best way to get rid of a demon?
    -Exorcise a lot!"


"Why don't skeletons play music in churches?
    -Because they have no organs!"


"How was Frankenstein's birth?
    -Shocking!"


"What are spider webs good for?
    -Spiders!"


"Why did the witch give up fortune telling?
    -She saw no future in it!"


"Why was the werewolf arrested in the butcher shop?
    -He was caught chop lifting!"


"What do you do with a very green monster?
    -Wait until it ripens!"


"Why was Cinderella kicked off of the soccer team?
    -She always ran away from the ball!"


"What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire?
    -Frostbite!"
.
"Why did the ghost go to the doctor?
    -To get a boo-ster shot!"


"What held together the wizard's spell book?
    -The spell binding!"


"Why is a jack-o-lantern just like Buddha?
    -They both have an inner light!"


"What is one room a ghost's house doesn't need?
    -A living room!"


"What does a baby computer call it's father?
    -Dada!"


"Knock, knock!"
 "Who's there?"

"To"

  "To who?"
"To whom."


"Old Goths never die, they just fade to black."


"You've heard of "Elf on the Shelf",but have you heard of "Sloth on a Goth"?"


"What does The Hulk say when he gets into a pool?
-HULK SPLASH!

What does The Hulk say when he takes out the garbage?
-HULK TRASH!

What does The Hulk say when he gets in a car wreck?
-HULK CRASH!"


"Why does the Norway Navy have a barcode on the side of their ships?

    -So that when they come back to port, they can Scandinavian!"


"What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
    - Oh sheet!"


"Did you know that left handed people have a higher chance of finishing their exam on time than people who died at birth?"


Roblox joke:
"What did the noob say to the pro?
   -Oof!"

Orc_Pirate_68
Sabrina Kirk-Caldwell
Thought Provoker
United States 5awards
Joined 29th June 2018
Forum Posts: 305

"Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money.

"I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it."

"I've spent my last buck," said the deer.

"Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk.

"Getting here cost me my last scent."


"How Government Works:

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”

So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost,” so they laid off the night watchman."


"Australians don't have sex, they m8."


"Sorry about your coffee-mate!"


"Where are an elephant's sexual organs?
  -On their feet, because if they trample you, your fucked!"


"How do kids in Chernobyl count to 100?
    -With all their fingers."


"Roses are red, I drink soup. You have been removed from the group."


It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally.


Who is this Rorschach guy? … and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?


A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus…. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”


René Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender asks if he wants anything….René says, “I think not,” then disappears.


Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…followed by Batman.


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?… He’s 0K now.


An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on.… After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, “You fellas ought to know your limits.”


Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings… Pavlov gasps, “Oh crap, I forgot to feed the dogs.”


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath...this made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


What’s the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?… An etymologist knows the difference.


There are two types of people in this world:… Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative.… But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

Orc_Pirate_68
Sabrina Kirk-Caldwell
Thought Provoker
United States 5awards
Joined 29th June 2018
Forum Posts: 305

A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage…The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”


I’m thinking about selling my theremin… I haven’t touched it in years.


What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?… Benoit B. Mandelbrot.


George W. Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning World War III".
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one intelligent blonde."
The guy exclaimed, "Intelligent blonde! Why kill a blonde?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass? I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"


Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?


A farmer was down on his luck having suffered a bad growing season, lack of crops and poor prices. To make ends meet he decided he'd have to sell his dog - a most intelligent animal. A few days after placing the ad, a man came to see this "intelligent" dog. When asked what the dog could do, the farmer pointed to a stand of trees nearby and informed the man there was a pond on the other side. He turned to the dog and commanded, "Hunt." Immediately the dog took off for the trees, came back a few moments later and barked twice. The farmer said, "He just told me there are two ducks down at the pond." "That's absurd." said the potential buyer. "Dogs can't count. He was probably just barking for the heck of it." Just then a duck flew overhead, descended just past the trees and apparently landed on the pond. "Now send him back and have him count!" said the man. The farmer again commanded "Hunt!" and off went the dog. He came back shortly and barked three times. The buyer finally believed the dog was smart and bought him on the spot. A few days later the man took his new dog out into the woods where he knew there was a pond nearby. He commanded the dog "Hunt!" and the dog took off toward the pond and came back a few minutes later with a stick in it's mouth. He came up to the man swinging the stick wildly around and began humping his leg. "Smart, my ass!" said the new owner and promptly shot the dog. When he got home he immediately called the farmer to complain. "Some dog you sold me! When I told him to 'hunt' he came back waving a stick and started humping my leg so I shot the queer critter." And the farmer replied, "You fucking idiot! He was trying to tell you there were more fucking ducks than you could shake a stick at!"


One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said.
Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first.
"Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you.
One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.
The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?
"God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate these organs one at a time."


Paddy was the most intelligent man in Ireland. He was the president of the Irish branch of Mensa and he had won a million pounds on Who wants to be a Millionaire, and was Professor of astrophysics at the Paddy Institute of Technology.
One day, he was in the pub and his mates were telling him that he should appear on Mastermind, the quiz where the most intelligent men on the planet, show their superior brainpower. So he filled in the forms and sure enough was called up, and over to London he went to appear on the show.
The moment came when he was called up to the chair, to be questioned.
"Paddy, what is your specialist subject?"
"Irish History."
"Paddy your minute starts now. Who was the leader of the Irish Revolution?"
"Pass."
"In what year was the revolution?"
"Pass."
"How many men died during the Easter Revolution?"
"Pass."
"What was the name of the British informer who helped the rebels?"
"Pass."
All of a sudden his friend stood up in the audience and roared, "Good man Paddy, tell the fu**ing English nothing."

Orc_Pirate_68
Sabrina Kirk-Caldwell
Thought Provoker
United States 5awards
Joined 29th June 2018
Forum Posts: 305

"It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA -- they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime. As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, the head scientist at NASA asked everyone to be quiet as he was receiving a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States. He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," he said with a broad smile on his face, "After twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars." He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown. He said, "But that's impossible...we could never do it... yes, Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. "I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars...he wants us to try to find it in the Congress."


"How did the farmer find his wife?"
   -"He tractor down!"


- Two New Russian friends meet up and one asks the other how he is doing: "I'm fine, but did you hear about Sergei? He was driving his new Mercedes through Petersburg and ran into a horse."/"Oh God, what happened?"/"The car was ruined, but the horse was fine. It was made of bronze."


"If someone who only eats vegetables is called a vegetarian, is someone who eats humans a humanitarian?"


"Would they still be considered vegetarians if they only ate brain dead people?"


"I know every letter in the alphabet except for one, I don't know y...."


"What's green and has wheels?

Grass, I lied about the wheels.

What else is green and has wheels?

A dolphin, I lied about the green, and the wheels."


"A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer...and a mop"."


"You know what, guys? I was thinking about the sun last night...and then it dawned on me...."


"Why did the anvil go to Alcoholics Anonymous? Because it kept letting hammered!"


"The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed."


"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day."


"Don't trust atoms, they make up everything."


"My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."


"Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."


"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible" "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."


"The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense."


"I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple."


"I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need."


"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."


"A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes..."


"Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box."


"I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around."


"eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches."


"Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers."


"What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"


"R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist."


"What do you call a dictionary on drugs? HIGH-Definition."


"I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right."


"My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."


"What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?

A tire."

Orc_Pirate_68
Sabrina Kirk-Caldwell
Thought Provoker
United States 5awards
Joined 29th June 2018
Forum Posts: 305

"What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?

Guardians of the Galaxy."


"To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!"


"I just got this sick job at the Calendar factory. Unfortunately, I still can't get a date."


"Teacher: “True or False? The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia.”
Student: “False. It was written in ink.”


"Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
On the bottom."


"Why did the British soldiers wear red coat?
So they could hide in the tomatoes."


"What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved."


"What’s red, white, blue, and ugly?
The Revolutionary Warthog."


"How was the food at the Fourth of July picnic?
The hot dogs were bad, but the brats were the wurst!"


"Why did Paul Revere ride from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry."


"What was General Washington’s favorite tree?
The infantry."


"What’s red, white, blue, and green?
A patriotic pickle."


"Why is the Liberty Bell like a dropped Easter egg?
They’re both cracked."


"What is Uncle Sam’s favorite snack?
Fire-crackers."


"What’s red, white, blue and green?
A seasick Uncle Sam!"


"Why did the duck say, “Bang”?
He was a fire-quacker."


"What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British."


"What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
Liberty."


"What did King George think of the American colonists?
He thought they were revolting!"


"How did American colonists’ dogs protest against England?
The Boston Flea Party."


"What do you call an American revolutionary who draws cartoons?
Yankee Doodler."


"Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states."


"Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in New York?
Because she can’t sit down."


"What do you call a magic owl?
Hooudini!"


"What is the most racist element on the periodic table?
Potassium, because when you put three of them together, you get "KKK"!"


"Roses are dead,
Love is fake,
Weddings are basically funerals with cake."


"Love as large as brontosaurus,
Passion like a bleeding walrus,
Our love is real it's no mirage,
Want to lock you in my garage."


"Roses are red,
violets are blue,
in soviet russia,
tetris plays you."


"Yo mama so dumb, she thought the rebel base was on Tattooine!"


"Yo momma’s so classless…she could be a Marxist utopia."


"Yo momma is so mean…she has no standard deviation."


"You wanna hear a joke?
My life."

rabbitquest
Dangerous Mind
Ukraine 2awards
Joined 20th May 2012
Forum Posts: 2051

I finally figured out why I get depressed after masturbating.
All 20 million swimmers didn't make it.
thats a lot of existential angst

rabbitquest
Dangerous Mind
Ukraine 2awards
Joined 20th May 2012
Forum Posts: 2051

yes I know masturbation is a taboo subject,
but if you re-arrange the letters in taboo you get boota
so I was that close to getting some bootay

rabbitquest
Dangerous Mind
Ukraine 2awards
Joined 20th May 2012
Forum Posts: 2051

I got a black eye.
I was at the checkout
She asked me if I wanted my milk in a bag.
So when I was standing next to this lady and her newborn...

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