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Jokes and Riddles repository

RevolutionAL
Alistair Plint
Dangerous Mind
South Africa 29awards
Joined 24th July 2012
Forum Posts: 1257

I'm 5 foot 4... My girlfriend 6 foot 7...

I went UP on her


Grace
IDryad
Tyrant of Words
122awards
Joined 25th Aug 2011
Forum Posts: 16074

Position of husband is like a split AC, No matter how loud he is outside-but inside the house he is designed to remember to be cool, silent and controlled by remote.

RevolutionAL
Alistair Plint
Dangerous Mind
South Africa 29awards
Joined 24th July 2012
Forum Posts: 1257

They say LSD makes one see things...

Let's give it to blind people!

Grace
IDryad
Tyrant of Words
122awards
Joined 25th Aug 2011
Forum Posts: 16074

A father watched his little daughter pray before going to sleep.
she said: Bless my mommy and daddy, and grandma. Goodbye Granddad.
He asked why she said goodbye to her granddad, and she said because he was going to die.
He thought it was just a quirk in that child, but a few weeks later, the grandfather died.
A few months later as usual he was listening to the little girl pray.
she said: Bless my mommy and daddy, goodbye grandma.
Sure enough, a few weeks later the grandmother died.
Then one day the little girl prayed: Bless my Mommy goodbye Daddy.
The man was shocked and immediately left the little girl's room.
For the next few days, he was in a state of panic and fright. He
couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep and he spent more time out of the house
than in.
A few days later, his wife asked him what the matter with him was. He couldn't
tell her about the little girl's prayers.
"You must take care of your health. My boss just died suddenly of a massive heart attack."

RevolutionAL
Alistair Plint
Dangerous Mind
South Africa 29awards
Joined 24th July 2012
Forum Posts: 1257

Sitting in a bar, bloke next to me
has a broken arm
bruised cheak
Black eye
Stitches in his forhead

I said "wow what happened to you?"
"I got tongue tired" he replied
I asked " how you so beaten from being tongue tired?"

"Well" he said "Went down to breakfast this morning, the wife and I.. What I meant to ask was pass the corn flakes please... But what came out was, you fucked up my life you bitch!"

Grace
IDryad
Tyrant of Words
122awards
Joined 25th Aug 2011
Forum Posts: 16074

RevolutionAL said:Sitting in a bar, bloke next to me
has a broken arm
bruised cheak
Black eye
Stitches in his forhead

I said "wow what happened to you?"
"I got tongue tired" he replied
I asked " how you so beaten from being tongue tired?"

"Well" he said "Went down to breakfast this morning, the wife and I.. What I meant to ask was pass the corn flakes please... But what came out was, you fucked up my life you bitch!"


RevolutionAL
Alistair Plint
Dangerous Mind
South Africa 29awards
Joined 24th July 2012
Forum Posts: 1257

They say tomatoes are good for the prostate.

I'm battling to get them in though.

chump
Thought Provoker
United States 6awards
Joined 30th Sep 2014
Forum Posts: 417

What do you call an Indian woman's vagina?


A papoosy

Grace
IDryad
Tyrant of Words
122awards
Joined 25th Aug 2011
Forum Posts: 16074

A page from a husband diary

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, grabbed my golf bag, tried not to wake my wife, sneaked quietly into garage & proceeded to back out into....a torrential rain !☔
Wind was blowing at 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio📻 & discovered that the weather would be bad through out the day.

Disappointed 😔I went back into the house,quietly undressed, and sneaked back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back& whispered: 'The weather out there is terrible.'😒

My beautiful and loving wife replied: I know... and can you believe my stupid husband is out there playing golf⛳ in that terrible weather !'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking😳😳😱_
*but I have stopped playing golf😰😰😰*

Grace
IDryad
Tyrant of Words
122awards
Joined 25th Aug 2011
Forum Posts: 16074

A woman in hot air balloon realized she is lost...
*She reduced altitude & shouted to a man  below :-*
_"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."_
*Man below replied :-*
_"You are in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground. You are at 41 degree North latitude & 59 degree West longitude."_
*Lady :-* _"You must be an engineer."_
*Man :-* _"How do you know?"_
*Lady :-* _"Everything you told me is technically correct but useless & the fact is I'm still lost."_
*Engineer :-* _"You must be in Top Management."_
*Lady :-* _"Ya. How do you know?"_
*Engineer :-* _"You don't know where you are or where you're going, you have no technical knowledge._
_You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep & you expect people beneath you to solve your problems..!!"_

Grace
IDryad
Tyrant of Words
122awards
Joined 25th Aug 2011
Forum Posts: 16074

Coincidences:

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating.'
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me
that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'What a coincidence!'

Grace
IDryad
Tyrant of Words
122awards
Joined 25th Aug 2011
Forum Posts: 16074

The Arrogance of Authority

A drugs squad officer stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.

He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs."
The farmer said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The drugs squad officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear trouser pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the farmer.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The old farmer nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the drugs squad officer running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big ferocious-looking bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The old farmer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted at the top of his lungs.........

"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

Grace
IDryad
Tyrant of Words
122awards
Joined 25th Aug 2011
Forum Posts: 16074

Selective Memory


*Wife wakes her husband at 2 AM.*

*Wife:"Who were the 2 heroines in the film Linga ?*

*Husband :"Anushka & Sonaskhi "!!*

*Wife: What was the screen name of Trisha in Vinnaithaandi Varuvaayaa? ?*

*Husband :"Jessi Jessi "!!*

*Wife : How many wickets did Sachin Tendular score in World Cricket match against Pakistan in 2003?*

*Husband : 98*

*Wife:"When did Kavita, who is residing opposite our flat, move in??*

*Husband :" Two months this Wednesday. ..But, why are you asking me all this in the middle of the night? ?*

*Wife:" Yesterday was my birthday "*

_"pin drop Silence"_

rabbitquest
Dangerous Mind
Ukraine 2awards
Joined 20th May 2012
Forum Posts: 2051

the neighbor boy climbed up my fence.
I asked him politely to get down, he laughed.

I swore as loud as I could for him to get down, no off fence.

rabbitquest
Dangerous Mind
Ukraine 2awards
Joined 20th May 2012
Forum Posts: 2051

All of the hens headed for the egg sit.

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