Lonely in a crowded world

The departed

I have spent so long
kissing the imaginary
I forget that you are dead
and I should let you die

I banish you to photographs
on walls I wish upon
if only to feel your breath
sing lullabies into my hair.

I love you as ghosts
sway with the living,
detached and unafraid
to stroke mortal remains

that leave footprints in the dust
as their memories pad the halls
between spectres and the real
and the loss, emptying all.

"Lonely Heart"

I stepped outside into the morning dew
My heart slowly pumped as I was missing you
I was feeling numb from the lack of sleep
I was feeling cold and my legs went weak

I glared up at my final sunrise
I tried to be strong but water filled my eyes
I held on for so long as you moved on
I could never accept that you were gone

My heart began to crack with no one to mend it
I wrote a long letter with nowhere to send it
I took my last breath and that’s when I knew
A heart can’t survive unless there are two

Silence
I sit in awe of nothing
I watch in fear of nothing
I listen
I sigh
I laugh
I cry
Ignoring all and nothing.

is it too late to get in on this competition?

Out to dry im done hangin’

with these haters like im a knight n these dragons blowin smoke im done slayin

To gods ive never seen im done prayin  

n on shooting stars make believe in my dreams im done wishin
Im hear now to spread wisdom kick knowledge I have a freedom to speak like there’s wisdom

in my speech and you will all hear my vision

just my soul missin to find it is my soul mission no bitchin just spittin just listen

im all alone like a plagued diseased gibbon

get mad hit him in the rib and it goes through like a tore up ribbon

Im not aloud to plan for my future that much is a givin

Im not aloud to talk about my past and I feel too weak to relive it

Alone party with nobody                

and I know nobody’s party’s really just as lonely as me.

smoke one, sip some till we all numb.

take to chillin’ straight to dealin’ straight up villian take to killin’

maybe my mind will actually be able to set itself free

so try to ease my rattled nerves

so I don’t spit some bad ole verbs

I’ll light myself some stress relief
a little taste of death,  a little taste of Ses, a little taste of life, a little chance to rest

It seems to help to ease the pain

it’s the only thing that helps to block the breeze in the freezing rain

when its stormin with no hope of the sun’s rays in sight- no money, no electricity, no light.

When it rains its bound to start down pourin,

its enough to drive you insane shit about being poor, and

just guns aimed at my future

like shit aint neva looking bright.

Just hammers slammin and bullets flashin like lightning and thunder

your senses crashing as you can barely feel the rising water.

like shit aint feelin’ right. Really it seems shits looking pretty bleak

I think I feel weak but I have a hard time tellin cause I haven’t eaten in about a week.

like I might lose my might I might lose balance between wrong and right

like I might lose my sight and now it’s just like for the first time in my shitty tiny little life

I cant feel pain and maybe one day here you too will feel the same

Live alone in shame in my grave

My man cave only place that im brave

Self Destruct

I talk and talk but nobody hears
Scream and shout, tell of my fears
Display the scars that cant be seen
Lose myself when I am mean
Spill the pain with every word
Beg and plead to be heard
See the world that cant see me
lose the fight to be free
Slip and fall, fail to find balance
Loathe myself, deny my talents
Think of life as a brutal fight
Self destruct every night
Pray my mind forgets to think
Drown it out with another drink
Befriend my rage and my hate
Mould them into an iron gate
Have high hopes for my next name
Hide behind my bitter blame.

In the Mud

I wake without prescience
in a dark and lonely misery
slippery ancient sense surrounds
feeling cold and dank below

prone, face planted, gagging earthy
quasi-solid, diaphragm lurching
thirst pervades in early morning?
the pungent air is wet and cloying

predawn luminescence enough to see
a deeper misery  
understanding absent
but clues
parting the veil of void thought

old water smells from a cavern
stream with effervescence
like a cauldron boiling up its rotting
matter. THIRSTY! craving saturation

crawling forward toward sipping at edge
left brain screaming NO!
right calm, urging shallow sip
of this fermentation of deceit

chin stubble touching bubbling surface
red and puffy orbs swollen near shut...
from crying?
just one small sip, swollen tongue poking
through dry cracked lips, licking

a box
on the current just outside the edge
of this dead calm pool of stagnant
recalcitrance

turning slowly in the backwash
coming to my resting place
one corner bumps the shore
with chastened fingers I reach
to still the floating coffin

pulling myself up to peer into
this abyss of broken dreams

blood specked shards of shattered
plans afloat on the stinking
spew of misconstrued intention

fetid vapor-like images of empty eyed
conspirators in this dead collusion rise
like spitting mamba's, warning too late
of foolish faith. There is no honor
among thieves.. of hearts or diamonds

reeling backward from the dawning knowledge
of dis-respect and disavowed exculpatory
contract exonerating the wrongdoer, I stumble
blindly, trip and fall into the mire of
loathsome usurpation and drift slowly away
on the flow of inconsolability in ultimate defeat

Talking to the Sky~

Cold is this Shadow hanging over me,
As Cold as its embrace is so lonely.
Every which way I look it's all I see,
Shadows cast upon the world, inside of me.
Empty is this vessel beating life through veins.
Foolish is my mind for thinking that could change.
I've searched the depths of me and found only this stain,
An ever-growing shadow finding pleasure in my pain.
-
Please, take me away, dear Night,
Cause I cant find inside of me the will to fight.
Take away the Pain, I cry,
I'm tired of pretending I'm not tired of this Life.
-
Constant are the headaches keeping me from needed sleep,
Pushing, pounding on my eyes relentlesly,
Causeing me to seek the Shadows, where I hate to be,
To seek out cures that ever turn out tragicly.
Hateful is my Heart towards that which I envy,
And towards myself for letting those things get to me,
I'm selfish, though I try so hard not to be.
Oh, how I wish, from all this, my Mind could just be free.
-
Please, take me away, dear Night,
Cause I cant find inside of me the will to fight.
Take away the Pain, I cry,
I'm tired of pretending I still want this fucking Life.
-
I push away my friends because I fear they may be fake,
Feeding my Souls loneliness with every breath I take.
And Cold is this Hell that, for myself, I make,
Cold as all those Hearts, to me, that I chose to forsake.
Tired is my weary Mind of this disdain,
This discontent with all the laughs and smiles that I feign,
For Hollow are the depths of me, save self-inflicted Pain.
Hollow is all I will be and only I'm to blame.
-
Please, take me away tonight,
Cause I cant find inside of me the will to fight.
Take away my Pain, I cry,
Cause I dont want it anymore, I'd rather die..
-
Cold is this Night, I quiver uncontrolably,
And as I cry out to the Sky I realize,
No one is listening, No one but me...

Not an entry as such Princess, just looking to air this one

Some kind of angel



Three times I called out to her.  
each time,  
she stepped out of the blackness  
and stood over me.
 
I pursed my lips for her kiss  
but she just stared,  
her face laced with pity  
so I cursed her.  
 
again.  



My entry

type of time
when you wouldn't notice
the earth quake
but would jump happily
into some endless wormhole

type of feeling
belongs to the hard-core
could have you standing on a ledge
or beating your hands
'gainst a hardwood floor, a sorry sight
 

- A Metropolis for Sheep -

Flash of neon signs that pulse blood of glossy lies.
Veins throb and quiver as they deliver food for hungry eyes
Red, Yellow, Turquoise, Razzmatazz feed the impulse of masses
Colors plaster empty faces filling them with alien light

Inside a flame flickers barley bright.
Dying now the last of an ancient rite
Slowly grasping for one last breath
Flickers madly, soft with regret
A cavern, now dark and hollow
Echoes what had once past followed
To be filled now with some new fictive light
Guided only by false color and artificial sight
Now they have lost their light

Bright lights shine lies to eagerly empty masses
Lips contract and speak false colors of satisfaction
Cacophony of humms and buzzes spread like molasses
Eternal night has set upon this mankind

Waiting for a train

Today is yesterdays continuation
and nothing will ever change at all.
Nothing I will do, can bring salvation,
the only thing that's left for me, is to take the fall.

We have reason and yet we are not smart,
we leave ourselves in the pitfalls of our destiny.
We have feelings and yet we always fall apart,
no one but myself can ever set me free.

Day for day we live for this miserable play,
we hide behind our masks, we leave them on,
until we die, until we're finished for the day.
We hang them on the walls when we are done.

Night for night in constant fear we lie awake,
we hope "tomorrow's gonna turn it all around".
But in the morning all we see is fake,
the truth is buried deep in the ground .

Today is yesterdays continuation
and nothing will ever change at all.
And so I'm waiting at the subway station,
the only thing that's left for me, is to fall.

Covetous Creature

Perched at my window sill
Staring at paint chips like tea leaves
Of all of these insecurities
Who needs any of these;
When you have history's
Self-fulfilling prophecies?

I'm going to write
Until every thing is right
Until everything is, all right

Reaching the Event Horizon
Of my mediocrity
You can't stop time
Past; Present; Future; Destiny
I swell and burst;
Just wanting to be sky

Picking butts out of the ashtray
Second cup of three day old coffee
I stopped taking care of myself
When you ceased desire to look at me

Stuck between a rock
And the hot place
It's flesh I want to displace
And the covetous memories

We skirt subjects as nimbly
As you used to remove mine
Stony faces urge unspoken words
And hidden landmines

Bodies that barely touch
With the same magnetic polarity
I push on; for you
Through arid monotony
Rough hands; hollow interest
I retreat to fantasy
Memories of your coquettish smile
Play out in infamy

I'm going to write
Until it's all right
No more distractions from my antics
No more hiding in semantics

Defuse, dissolve, dilute
This disillusion, nigh
Into something more vast and more blue
I just want to be sky

LEFT TO MY MISERY
Sitting here, all by myself, left to my misery
No one out there loves me, no one cares for me
Locked in my mental dungeon, lost the key long ago
No one try’s to break the bars, no one crawls below
Hung out there by my neck, hoping it breaks
No one try’s to cut the rope, no one forgives my mistakes
No one gives a f****** s***, about me, my life
No one try’s to help, so no one knows my strife

minimalism

Everybody goes
and fades and vanishes;
And I,
I grow in silence.