Living life's hurt

Rhyme two posts each
Have fun::)))

i must always lie
to protect myself
but every time i die

they dont understand me
dont even try
only see what i cant be

i try to hold on
always trying
i try to stay strong

i just continue to pretend
that i no longer care
i just wait for the end

i was left behind
left all alone
i was barely even alive

i am too afraid
of whats around the corner
of the betray

i dont wanna hurt no more
i dont want pain
i wish i was never even born

been given so many plaques
for my good deeds
but im nothing more than an insomniac

i got zero obsessions
what gets to me
is my depression

ive been this way
for so long
that the time is hard to say

i like the dark
its nice and quiet
there is no bark

this is my relm
my safe place
my eterinal hell

this is my cold night
covered in frost bite
that never recieves any light

i am so disguised of me
so afraid that i
might turn into what i cant be

no one forgives me
for being alive

no one forgives me
that i survived

no hope
cant cope

what is it that consumes me?
my loneliness that what it be

even when others are near
i am always filled with fear

that they will leave me
run to where i cant see

i dont want to die
but i must keep up this lie

that i am okay
that i am what i say

can you forgive me
for only being able
to be me?

Bullied

She stands alone
Wondering what she did wrong
There's nobody home
All she can do is put it in a song
Nobody knows
All of the pain she's come to known
She takes all of the blows
But the wounds can not be sewn
She ends up in this world as an outcast
Even though she smiles
It eats away from her past
And she keeps running for miles
If only you could hear her now
She's gone to a better place
Now they know how
It feels to be misplaced

Battle Of Evermore
When I was just a wee young thing,I was taught life's lesson well    
Ere instead of childhood revelry, mine would be a children's hell    
   
In this life of mine I've learned, you choose to live or choose to die    
That for some are chosen happiness, and for the rest to reason why    
   
I could weep and moan at life so cruel or lament in deep despair    
Would it help me if I wring my hands while pulling out my hair?    
   
Would it put me in a better place if I took it lying down?    
Nay, I think I would be just as dead if in self pity I did drown    
   
So I did, I think, the only thing my childish mind could do    
With the power of imagination  and a fantasy or two    
   
I would don a suit of honor, I would guard o'er children's door    
And like any worthwhile soldier,  I would battle evermore    
   
While most children softly slumber dreaming dreams that hold no fright    
As the children's chosen warrior  who had taken up their plight    
   
I did lay awake and listen in the darkness through the door      
For the sneaking sound his bare feet made, down hall on linoleum floor    
   
As I pray to a god who was not there, to help my battle plans go right    
Twas I alone in the dark with my Ball and Jax, who would be waging war this night    
   
With my hands I stifled giggles, my mind envisioning in the black    
Of the pain, glorious pain, to befall his feet as he stumbled on my Jax    
   
I laughed as I lay there pondering, if the makers of this children's game    
had ever dreamed that their tiny Ball and Jax would one night save four girls from shame    
   
HUSH! I hear him coming!  I have caught him unaware    
when his feet crossed o'er the battle lines. I swear his scream would curl your hair    
   
I laughed till I cried as he hopped while he tried    
to get away from my midnight attack    
Under the unscrewed hall light, he stood cursing the child      
who had left out her Jax in the night    
   
The beating was worth all the joy and the mirth    
that his dance down the hall gave that night    
   
After winning round one I vowed I would fight on    
Evermore as a soldier FIGHT ON.    
   
   
I'd decided as a very young child of abuse, that I would never go down without a fight.    
I spent my entire childhood and teenage years in a silent battle with my father.    
   
A battle never spoken of, but a battle none the less    
   
The battle this night was only one of the many battles my father and I would have over my body and soul.      
   
Because my father was so much stronger than me, he could physically and forcefully take things from me which he had no right to, things I would never give him willingly.    
   
But no matter how hard he tried, he could not take what was inside of me. I never let him take my spirit or my soul, because it was these inner things that kept me alive.    
   
My body no longer mattered to me, I couldn't let it matter to me because my father owned it.    
   
But my integrity was not something he could take by shear force. It and my spirit were the only things that were really mine.    
   
Remember that. Your spirit inside, your mind and thoughts and will to survive,integrity, self worth, love and hatred, emotions. Everything that makes a person, a person.    
They can never take that from you if you don't let them. NEVER    
   
Life is good, if you only work at it a little.

walk away
I lift my head
look the world in the eye
I've been given a load a shit
Lord--and I don't know why

Born to a world of pain
you gave more than your share
You took what I would never give
But then who said life was fair

The heavens cry for me
I have fallen from grace
I made dying my reason to live
now- I spit in YOUR face

You take without giving
Don't you know nothing is for free
You will pay with your soul
while I walk away free

  The void I feel inside is like an endless black hole.
My heart is broken into cold pieces of stone. I look around as friends and family
are leaving me behind.
Reality is to painful to face,but on occasion i try to visit but empty I love yous  
and careless thank yous rip me apart.
   Reality is like a dark tunnel I look down, and see the world at the other end.
I try to walk toward the light but it feels like when you first walk outside
and the sun hits your face and hurts your eyes .
    I want to say goodbye for good but its like saying good bye to that night of
passion that fulfills your needs for years, or forgetting that day dream that soothes  
you long after your to old to run into your dads arms.
    If I choose to stay you will take the very last breath I breath, the last tear of joy, the last meaningful embrace.
     Let me go, let me be, set me free. I no longer want to be numb
I want to cry, laugh, love, live and learn to trust whats in my heart.
      There are many roads leading to where I am, but no many leading out.
     

          GOD please guid me out of the world of mess i've caused.
Please heal the wounds i've inflicted, and the trust i've broken.
Please give me a new heart that you can mold like formless clay.
Please GOD give me the strength to endure the journey i am about to start.
Please help me forgive the ones that hurt me as you forgive me for the pain i've caused.

LIVING LIFE'S HURT - WHEN YOU CANNOT MARRY THE ONE YOU LOVE

Raj, you came to me
in a dream
You were tall and thin and young
barely 21
Alone
many miles from home
but the home was not India
it was Port of Spain

We were a melange
of Trinidad and Tobago
in the lab
at McGill
Raunchy, rowdy, laughing
All different, yet the same
Colonized by Britain
English our common tongue

Do you remember
How cold you were
in December
and how we huddled
together
With my warmth
and my northern roots
heating you
with your equatorial blood

I met your parents
You met mine
Your father-tall and dignified
Your mother in a sari
Five thousand years of civilization
could not be erased
You met my mother
Who thought you ideal
if not in the right package

So there was to be
no Hindu marriage ceremony for me
Years later
The invitation to yours was in my mail
But I had also married what
My parents wanted

We had much in common
Despite the differences
An Indian Diaspora
Leaving a caste-ridden country
One ruled by the great colonizers
Who still colonized us

I still see your black eyes and hair
The sheen of your chocolate skin
The way you held me
The goals we had

I wonder how you are
and if life treated you fairly
You wanted to be a physician
So did I
But I failed
Did you?

What becomes of the ones we love
Who we never see again
They haunt our hearts
They haunt our dreams
And leave us feeling ashamed
For wanting you 40 years later
I feel disloyal to my current love
Who has been so good to me
But way back then
I could not forsee
The good I was going to get
I only saw
What I had lost
And lived for years
In regret....

Broken Time

The disgruntled conscience of a sleepless imagination
The shattered hopes of a lost predilection
Caught in eternity, you can only survive
Time spent is wasted, watching everyone die
 
A realm less perfect, lost in forever
The touch of another, a constant torture
To love and lose, without any gain
To feel the hurt of death, a constant pain
 
The love we had, was misbegotten
The times we shared, long since forgotten
I remember your face, but only barely
A kiss from your lips, quite unfairly
 
The warmth from your skin, now stone cold
The shine in your eyes, of green and gold
But you left me alone, so long ago
And I kept living, wishing I too could go
 
But it is my burden to continue on 'living'
To watch everyone around me, with their light fading
And when they are gone, their life completed
I just sit here alone, always the cheated
 
For I shant know death, or keep any love
I am always the crow, and never the dove
And while your heart slows, and mine beats on
You were ever my king, but I just a pawn.