[left]Alice and the Cockney Caterpillar
A tiny, minuscule girl, appearing to be in distress,
wearing a pristine white pinafore over a pretty blue dress,
wanders into the sight of bright blue bug -
a caterpillar, sucking deeply on his favourite drug,
decides it is way beyond his current capacity
separating reality from his dream serendipity.
He's heard the whispers of a young dainty maid,
thinks his luck might be in, he might just get laid.
“ello me little darlin', so, what's your name?
Is it true what I've 'erd, that you're on the game?
Ya look to me like you're all 'ot and bovered,
Ya world spinnin' a bit? Ya speech slightly slurred?
Well, come over 'ere luv and rest your little plates,
I wanna introduce ya to a few of me mates.
Na, don't look so worried, their all good fo' the dough,
The lizard's gonna love ya, you look pure as snow.”
“You horrid little blue thing, you have me mistaken,
my confused state is caused by a cake I've partaken.
I am already acquainted with your slimy young friend,
it is partly his doing that I am now at this end.
He and that rabbit had me wedged in a house,
I was ten feet tall, or somewhere thereabouts.
And what on earth is that disgusting smell?
Is it that pipe you smoke, or are 'slightly unwell'?”
“Beggin yer pardon and that, OK, I'll puff and pass,
but darlin', don't try to make out you ain't a young brass.
This is a seriously well-rightous smoke,
Oh, go on then, ya can 'av a quick toke
What's wiv the kinky Uncle Fester get up?
Gotta 'and it to ya, that's a classy blond syrup,
and that outfit your wearing makes ya look pretty mint.
Who are ya really? You ain't just any old bint”
“Well, Sir, you will think me just a touch crazy,
this morning I knew, now it is all slightly hazy.
I have already gone through several size changes today
and somehow my name has just gone astray.
I fail to explain it but I believe you will find
emerging as a butterfly, your cocoon left behind,
you will feel quite confused and a little bit cursed.
And, Sir, as a gentleman, your name should come first”
“Why? Who ar ya girly, stood in all ya glory?
I wants the truf now, don't come jackanory!”
“I am not quite sure I care for your attitude
I am looking for help and you are being most rude”
“All-right, all right, take that frown of ya boat
Lets try an' sort it, go on, give us a quote
'Yer Old, Faver William', I fink would be sweet,
So off ya go then girl, an' giv' us a treat”
(Alas, dear reader, though she gave it her best
Alice became confused and failed in her quest)
“Yer havin' a bubble,darlin', that's all back to front,
wotcha tryin' to pull 'ere, wiv that little stunt?”
“I believe it is something to do with my size
Being so small is something I truly despise!”
“An what's so bad about bein' f'ree inches?
Well, apart from havin' to 'ide from the finches?”
“I would prefer it if I was to be slightly taller,
not that I'm saying it is wrong to be smaller”
(The caterpillar squints, through a haze of grey smog
Inhales some oxygen, waits for his mind to unclog)
“Well, watcha know, you really are just a nipper,
an 'eres me finking yer were some kinky stripper.
By way of sayin' sorry, I'll tell yer the secret
but yer keep yer mowff shut, ya know? We NEVER met!”
(In fear of being classed as a slobbering peado,
or, at the least, being a stoned out old wierdo,
the caterpillar sadly shuffled off the mushroom of magic,
glancing back at Alice, with a look that was quite tragic)
“A word to the wise, Princess, 'av a nosh of this,
but yer betta choose wisely and please don't ya diss!
One 'arf makes you mini, the over makes ya grow,
but don't ask me which, all right, coz I really don't know”
(Alice took a nibble and shrunk down to a dot,
her chin on her feet, she was really quite squat.
Only just swallowing the alternative side -
the immediate effects of which can't be denied!
Shooting rapidly upwards, her head in the treetops,
she gave the impression there was chance of some tear-drops.
A passing pigeon collided, just adding to her torment,
the bird took one look at her and screamed out loud “SERPENT!”)
“I'm becoming so tired off this” the flustered pigeon said
“I have tried looking everywhere but still have no bed.
It's all you damn serpents, you see, stealing my eggs
I thought I'd be safe up here but, no, a neck with no legs!”
“I am really no serpent, Mrs Pigeon, just a small girl,
I have only just shot up here, my head's still a whirl”
(Fearing she was entering another odd conversation,
Alice's eyes suddenly brightened, with the realisation
She held in her hands some remaining 'shroom bite
and with some trial and error regained the right hight.
What happened to her from then on is for another tale
but with her strong determination, I'm sure she'll prevail.
The caterpillar became paranoid and gave up the puff,
went into a rehab, became a councillor strangely enough.
The pigeon made her nest and two healthy squabs she raised,
keeping watch for giant serpents, she became quite half-crazed!)[/left]