Poetry competition CLOSED 10th September 2022 9:36pm
WINNER
Jordan (D.O.C.)
Jordan (D.O.C.)
Page:
Epic Fail!
Poetry Contest Description
The time it all went wrong!
Hello, mes petits choux. Yesterday, someone in our house managed to do a very stupid thing. The culprit is yet to own up, but it's a certain teenager who's usually away with the fairies. Anyway, I decided to write about it (poem below) and it gave me a good idea for a competition.
I'd like you to tell me about a total disaster of your making, or someone else's. Bonus points if you (a) make me laugh and (b) reassure me that I'm not the only one who inhabits a household full of clumsy oafs (I include myself in that). Tell me how the protagonist dealt with the situation, and what was learnt from it, if anything.
Guidelines:
~ old writes are OK on this occasion, but don't be lazy. If they don't fulfil the brief, they won't be considered.
~ up to two entries each
~ no gratuitous sex or violence
~ tell us what happened, and how the disaster was dealt with.
~ humour is encouraged.
Have fun!
I'd like you to tell me about a total disaster of your making, or someone else's. Bonus points if you (a) make me laugh and (b) reassure me that I'm not the only one who inhabits a household full of clumsy oafs (I include myself in that). Tell me how the protagonist dealt with the situation, and what was learnt from it, if anything.
Guidelines:
~ old writes are OK on this occasion, but don't be lazy. If they don't fulfil the brief, they won't be considered.
~ up to two entries each
~ no gratuitous sex or violence
~ tell us what happened, and how the disaster was dealt with.
~ humour is encouraged.
Have fun!
Two-thirds of a tin of gloss paint
Two-thirds of a tin of gloss paint
seeped, unchecked, all over our landing carpet;
leaked through the railings
and trickled down the stairs.
Once a busy mass of browns
with a pattern purloined from a public house,
rivulets of paint turned our carpet white
and now the air turned blue.
It's not clear how the tin was dislodged
but I discovered the catastrophe
when I trod in something squelchy
while making my way downstairs.
I'd left two tins of paint stacked there
along with sandpaper,
old towels, cloths and brushes
in between home-decorating jobs.
I didn't knock them over myself,
but that's beside the point;
clearly, the lid hadn't been properly secured
and guess who would have to clean it up?
I don't sweat the small stuff
and hoped my husband wouldn't either;
we both HATE that carpet
and have done since we moved in
eighteen years ago.
Still, it would be a gargantuan task
to clean it up;
difficult – almost impossible –
like attempting to put all the toothpaste
back in the tube after squeezing it out.
Two hours, several old sheets, many buckets of water
and the grease of four elbows later,
the paint has been removed;
its only casualty being one of the forty or so novels
our teen had left stacked on said floor.
One silver lining is that I'd chosen quick-drying gloss
which is mercifully not oil- but water-based.
As for the landing carpet,
there's now a large, clean patch
which doesn't quite match,
but that's what rugs are for!
I seem to have lost my enthusiasm for painting—
It's probably not hard to imagine why!
seeped, unchecked, all over our landing carpet;
leaked through the railings
and trickled down the stairs.
Once a busy mass of browns
with a pattern purloined from a public house,
rivulets of paint turned our carpet white
and now the air turned blue.
It's not clear how the tin was dislodged
but I discovered the catastrophe
when I trod in something squelchy
while making my way downstairs.
I'd left two tins of paint stacked there
along with sandpaper,
old towels, cloths and brushes
in between home-decorating jobs.
I didn't knock them over myself,
but that's beside the point;
clearly, the lid hadn't been properly secured
and guess who would have to clean it up?
I don't sweat the small stuff
and hoped my husband wouldn't either;
we both HATE that carpet
and have done since we moved in
eighteen years ago.
Still, it would be a gargantuan task
to clean it up;
difficult – almost impossible –
like attempting to put all the toothpaste
back in the tube after squeezing it out.
Two hours, several old sheets, many buckets of water
and the grease of four elbows later,
the paint has been removed;
its only casualty being one of the forty or so novels
our teen had left stacked on said floor.
One silver lining is that I'd chosen quick-drying gloss
which is mercifully not oil- but water-based.
As for the landing carpet,
there's now a large, clean patch
which doesn't quite match,
but that's what rugs are for!
I seem to have lost my enthusiasm for painting—
It's probably not hard to imagine why!
Written by Wafflenose
(Ellie)
Go To Page
A mess or three
My crępes turned out to be pancakes
My eggs over easy turned out to be an omelet
My Angel cake looked more like a Devil's food cake
Strawberries and all
My last attempt at a Pound cake turned out to be
Two pounds of mushy goooouie stuff
So I shall not attemps a recipe
Which also suggests the use of a
Nutcracker.
My eggs over easy turned out to be an omelet
My Angel cake looked more like a Devil's food cake
Strawberries and all
My last attempt at a Pound cake turned out to be
Two pounds of mushy goooouie stuff
So I shall not attemps a recipe
Which also suggests the use of a
Nutcracker.
Written by robert43041
(Viking)
Go To Page
Smoked out of Eden
You will try
not to breathe
shielding your eyes from the flame
when the windows shatter
and the walls scream
when bodies writhe upon the floor
But you should thank me
for you are lucky to have witnessed
what only I could know before
You started with two
until seven billion greedlings
grew rotten to the core
The last rats to leave
my once perfect planet
smoked out from the Eden
I never intended
to be 'yours'
not to breathe
shielding your eyes from the flame
when the windows shatter
and the walls scream
when bodies writhe upon the floor
But you should thank me
for you are lucky to have witnessed
what only I could know before
You started with two
until seven billion greedlings
grew rotten to the core
The last rats to leave
my once perfect planet
smoked out from the Eden
I never intended
to be 'yours'
Written by Abracadabra
Go To Page
life hacks with a two year old
They only tell you useless things
when you're about to become a parent
like how little sleep you'll get
and how your sex life will disappear
as though you're not savvy enough
to realise babies take work
They tell you about the terrible twos
about tantrums and attitude
and how you'd happily give them back
on the bad days, if they weren't so damn cute
They don't tell you about the joys of potty training
and how in one week of trying
your two year old
will piss in everything from your shoes
to a duplo block
to the plastic bowl that held
strawberries only ten minutes ago
I leave the potty in the lounge room for pees
so we don't have to run to the bathroom
today he decided it would be fun
to pee on the couch
when you're about to become a parent
like how little sleep you'll get
and how your sex life will disappear
as though you're not savvy enough
to realise babies take work
They tell you about the terrible twos
about tantrums and attitude
and how you'd happily give them back
on the bad days, if they weren't so damn cute
They don't tell you about the joys of potty training
and how in one week of trying
your two year old
will piss in everything from your shoes
to a duplo block
to the plastic bowl that held
strawberries only ten minutes ago
I leave the potty in the lounge room for pees
so we don't have to run to the bathroom
today he decided it would be fun
to pee on the couch
Written by Indie
(Miss Indie)
Go To Page
I can SOOOO relate. Once I was in a coffee shop with a two-year old and a newborn. I asked the toddler if she needed a wee. She said no... and proceeded to piss all over the fancy upholstered chair she was sitting on. I had to tell the manager and was so embarrassed.
My best advice for this age group is that their phases don't tend to last very long! I now have teenagers and a completely different set of issues! I don't mind a bit of bad language but have just told my 16 year old off (the same child that pissed on the coffee shop chair) for using too many F-words in one sentence. I get that it feels big and clever to her now, but I've said it's ugly on her and lacks imagination.
My best advice for this age group is that their phases don't tend to last very long! I now have teenagers and a completely different set of issues! I don't mind a bit of bad language but have just told my 16 year old off (the same child that pissed on the coffee shop chair) for using too many F-words in one sentence. I get that it feels big and clever to her now, but I've said it's ugly on her and lacks imagination.
Fail on an Epic Scale
"A Rational Intelligence necessarily precedes empathy."
-- Elementary Logic for lovers of fauna,
not flora
(or even fungi)
*
Have you no empathy? How can you laugh?
Though yet it be in truth my greatest gaffe!
( ! ) ( ! )
The lawn! And garden! How uncivilized!
Not fertilized with dung! Both traumatized!
(=) (=)
The little daisy! Nestling in her bed!
By puppy pee! Assaulted on the head!
(^) (^)
The dandy dandelion! In a rut!
His stamen wee! By one mean mower cut!
(#) (#)
The peas! Pea green with envy! All in pods!
Their brothers kill! To please their green-eyed gods!
(+) (+)
The crabgrass! Rank! Unnatural! Grown to seed!
No rubber wears! That crotchety low weed!
(~) (~)
The grapes! Again! Inhaled! With yet the vine!
Those little foxes! Spoilt! Till stuffed! The swine!
(/) (\)
And I! Here tripped upon my garden shears!
Beneath the kudzu! Buried! Dead for years!
(-) (-)
*
a dedication of Respect
for
the Pain of the conscious, feeling being
full failing
to protected be
a revolving helios verse menippean satire on
the good green garden of countless vegetables
sans brains
january, 2023 -- still hails and hails
of epic fails
in teensy weensy
neural cells
-- Elementary Logic for lovers of fauna,
not flora
(or even fungi)
*
Have you no empathy? How can you laugh?
Though yet it be in truth my greatest gaffe!
( ! ) ( ! )
The lawn! And garden! How uncivilized!
Not fertilized with dung! Both traumatized!
(=) (=)
The little daisy! Nestling in her bed!
By puppy pee! Assaulted on the head!
(^) (^)
The dandy dandelion! In a rut!
His stamen wee! By one mean mower cut!
(#) (#)
The peas! Pea green with envy! All in pods!
Their brothers kill! To please their green-eyed gods!
(+) (+)
The crabgrass! Rank! Unnatural! Grown to seed!
No rubber wears! That crotchety low weed!
(~) (~)
The grapes! Again! Inhaled! With yet the vine!
Those little foxes! Spoilt! Till stuffed! The swine!
(/) (\)
And I! Here tripped upon my garden shears!
Beneath the kudzu! Buried! Dead for years!
(-) (-)
*
a dedication of Respect
for
the Pain of the conscious, feeling being
full failing
to protected be
a revolving helios verse menippean satire on
the good green garden of countless vegetables
sans brains
january, 2023 -- still hails and hails
of epic fails
in teensy weensy
neural cells
Written by Jordan
(D.O.C.)
Go To Page
HOW I FEEL
Cradling baby girl in one arm
I used the other to pick at a scab
On my face under my beard
And drew blood
Then I smelled the poop
And looked down
To see our son with his diaper off
And a moist turd in his hand
I am the luckiest being
In this or any other galaxy
I used the other to pick at a scab
On my face under my beard
And drew blood
Then I smelled the poop
And looked down
To see our son with his diaper off
And a moist turd in his hand
I am the luckiest being
In this or any other galaxy
Written by SatInUGal
(Kumar)
Go To Page
Wafflenose said:I can SOOOO relate. Once I was in a coffee shop with a two-year old and a newborn. I asked the toddler if she needed a wee. She said no... and proceeded to piss all over the fancy upholstered chair she was sitting on. I had to tell the manager and was so embarrassed.
My best advice for this age group is that their phases don't tend to last very long! I now have teenagers and a completely different set of issues! I don't mind a bit of bad language but have just told my 16 year old off (the same child that pissed on the coffee shop chair) for using too many F-words in one sentence. I get that it feels big and clever to her now, but I've said it's ugly on her and lacks imagination.
I have a toddler and a teenager. I'm going through both lol. My teenager recently realised she has to curb her swearing after she accidentally called her grandmother a cunt. Both of them where motified.
My best advice for this age group is that their phases don't tend to last very long! I now have teenagers and a completely different set of issues! I don't mind a bit of bad language but have just told my 16 year old off (the same child that pissed on the coffee shop chair) for using too many F-words in one sentence. I get that it feels big and clever to her now, but I've said it's ugly on her and lacks imagination.
I have a toddler and a teenager. I'm going through both lol. My teenager recently realised she has to curb her swearing after she accidentally called her grandmother a cunt. Both of them where motified.
Wafflenose,
Your home disaster reminds me of a newspaper cartoon I saw years ago when a small cnild, who seems to have been doing an experiment, tips a tinful of paint on the floor. As his father walks in the child says: "YOU'VE BEEN HAD - the tin says "NON-DRIP"!
Your home disaster reminds me of a newspaper cartoon I saw years ago when a small cnild, who seems to have been doing an experiment, tips a tinful of paint on the floor. As his father walks in the child says: "YOU'VE BEEN HAD - the tin says "NON-DRIP"!
