When Hearts Get Broke

 
Driving through the night
radio up way too loud
enough to muffle sirens
and cell phone sounds
still can't drown out
what's rolling through my head
question my lack of guilt
for feelings I'm told I shouldn't have
unrestrained by boundaries
 
Then they play that damn song
the one you turned up for me
no longer in heavy rotation
no expectation of the memory flood
think about turning it off
but my hand doesn't move
so I sing
 
Everything is swimming
don't know if you even remember
why it means anything to me
shake my head and half laugh
at the way I miss you
when you pretend I don't exist
 
Press the accelerator
closer to the floorboard
but I'll never go fast enough
to get away from our deconstruction
 
That doesn't stop me from trying
 
 
 

 
slam down a glass of liquid happy  
another round  
celebrating  
what I don't know  
why I can't say  
but it beats  
the tune of
memories that play  
 
sad country music  
sung in voice smooth  
sounds that tug  
at
the time she sat shotgun
 
fuck that  
pour me another
mask the stench  
perfume on unwashed flesh  
a masquerade  
try to feel better days  
or at least damp the fire  
 
pour me another  
imbibe the inebriation  
like masturbation  
sure feels good  
but you're only fucking your  
mind with  
another
drown out all but the sound  
of a man and the silky strum  
tones of his voice  
cut through the haze of smoke  
haven't done in years  
damn it feels good  
twisted cough
a knife in my lungs  
head spins roll out  
 
I can imagine you through the  
smoky wisps of.....  
 
pour me another the bottom  
of my glass is mocking me  
daring me to have some more  
 
to forget  
 
why I was here  
why was I here,  
 
pour me another tender bar tender  
stroke my mind with lotus leaf
delete
the  
repeating  
thoughts of  
 
pour me another  
wee's a celebrashin

The sweet taste of kerosene
and the draw of a hand rolled
cigarette
cold comforts of sad music
on the dancing machine
curl around my loss and try to nurse it
the way a mother clings to her stillborn

wishing there was a way to take it back
to undo harsh reality
and the lit match
but
burning bridges and crying over corpses
is a family tradition
another slug of the bottle
crushed the glass to feel it’s shards
slide into my hand
so I could hold its puckered flesh to the reader of palms
ask if my future has as much blood on it
as my past

now

even alcohols burn doesn’t have the same kick
desolate wastelands are the new rage
a holiday destination for the broken
because addiction tastes like the litany of lovers
I no longer covet
the bottle only lets me down when it’s empty
I only let it down when I’m not drinking
relationship forged on easy
where all goals align
there’s no looking for a sign of betrayal
or loss
or the threat of negotiating when and where you can
see your kids

the only thing that matters is the shape of her
the flavour of her
and how she lets me silence
the droning monotone of responsibility
barking it’s demands in the screeching tones of
a jilted lover a nagging wife and a total bitch
whose only goal is to beat you down
with the emotional shackles of your
fucking male privilege

if it wasn’t the easy way out
I’d take these shards of glass
and run my pain out
over the floor
lie in it’s warmth
wait to drift off to sleep
but that would be a waste of alcohol

 
Go ahead, strip me
rip me into shreds
it's too late for safety
anyway
there's always curiosity
to see where this will lead

Pain is just a tool
something to breathe through
numb no longer an option

So I'll bleed on the floor
decipher Rorschach patterns
of my pride
admire the color of my shame
for daring to feel
in the first place

I am dead on the inside, there is nothing left but the pain
I am drowning in the reverberation of you saying my name
IIII, IsIsIsIs, MeMeMeMe, IIII, IsIsIsIs, MeMeMeMe
But through the murky waters of my tears, boo I just can't see

Slowly but surely you were becoming something that I never had before
This nomadic heart was about to declare you it's new home
I slept on your words, I recited them in my dreams
My heart and mind were finally forming a team

In your own way, you started showing me your love
This was so hard to do, because so many had abused your love
The thought of getting to close, to fast, was such a frightening thing
You and I the big bang, and our love the eternal universal ring

You couldn't be sure there was expansions and contraction
Was our love background noise, radiation or a magnetic reaction
Pushed by you to the very edges of deep space
You don't want me to feel your touch, I'm not allowed to gaze upon your face

Bobbing like a cork in the deepness of this frigid and blackened sea
I prayed for a saving line and hook, IIII, IsIsIsIs, MeMeMeMe
The one fish praying to be caught and pulled from space's depths
To recalbrate the pain and take back every tear that we wept

They say that your sins shall return a thousand fold
I don't know about the sin, but when that pain unfolds
It's like standing before creation and watching the universe explode
I stood on the horizon of you and me, and the truth was told

  

There are no words that hurt more than, "I don't love you anymore"
"I don't want you, I don't need you," as she slams the door
And that door slam, that's the knife in the back
It's felt to your core,Your spirit's under attack
 
Fucking calls are being screen, with family running interference
Those bitches never liked me, so they don't mine running interference
They know that the only reason I fuck with them is because of you
If it wasn't for you, Boo, I'ld tell them all "fuck you"
 
But you, you're my Boo soothing a savage beast
Pressure pent up with no way to release
But you Baby Girl takes me to my limits
Simply by whispering in my ear helps me to exceed my limits
 
Everything you said you needed I tried to be
You said that you needed eyes, well baby now you can see
I'm the one now stumbling around in the dark
And I can't stop thinking that someone else is enjoying your spark
 
My mind, Baby Girl, has became all fucking twisted
How can a heart this heavy be lost, and you not miss it
Thoughts keep entering my mind, but my heart wont allow me to risk it
Your family's giving me their ass, and telling me to kiss
 
How could a force like love ever be created
Before I met you, love and me never related
My past isn't a blur, I saw people for what they were
I wasn't thinking of placing one into the chamber to erase the hurt
 
Boo life isn't worth living, without you this shit's no fun
Am I wrong to squeeze this trigger and get the job done
Without you baby no one's gonna miss me
And staring at this mirror I'll only be harm me  

The net curtains float lace patterns  
projected on magnolia,    
thin sunlight warms our bed covers,    
white cotton wrapped as loin cloth,    
tight against smooth skin.    
   
The mornings bore runs busy in the street,    
scaling walls to chatter at our window.    
Your shape slides beneath my hand,    
warmth cools as I sigh deeper  
and you check the alarm clock.  
   
I save another wasted frame,    
a rotting petal pressed between memories.    
The bartender wants my glass,    
no final drop to sip from you,    
Your tongue has tripped, the lies let slip.  
   
This day you will leave, and me;    
packing for the journey I can't take.    
A could never be, lovers embrace    
belies the two who's eyes are fake,    
something we buried in this place.

I had both arms inside your mental cage  
you didn't even offer me a stool,  
did the lumps of meat you shook taste strange  
 was I the only tamer that you fooled.  

You'll always be the first to taste the kill  
our cubs may fight but know the scent of blood.  
I'll wait to eat so you can take your fill  
then lick them clean so that they know they're loved.  
 
With mud soaked pride I offer you a fall,  
and watch the flight of reason as it runs.  
I take my stand yet you still make me crawl  
the floods you drown have only just begun.  
 
The water hole is poisoned with my stink  
so I relax and watch you take the drink.