Poetry competition CLOSED 15th February 2021 10:27am
WINNER
Honoria
View Profile Poems by Honoria
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RUNNER-UP: ReggiePoet

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LMAO

faithmairee
faithmairee
Faith Elizabeth Brigham
Dangerous Mind
United States
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Joined 29th Aug 2012
Forum Posts: 165

Poetry Contest

Submit one humorous poem, old or new. Poem must be your own. It can be any form or style 30 lines or less. Winners will be judged on grammar, spelling and most importantly on how hard you make me laugh..

Competition modified several times on 2/8/21 to make rules clear and nothing more. Any questions, feel free to ask.

ReggiePoet
ReggiePoet
Reggie
Fire of Insight
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Joined 13th May 2018
Forum Posts: 309

Retired!

Grass to mow! It’s too hot!
I don’t know what I thought
When I promised to clean up the lawn
Out of gas! Gotta’ go!
Drag my ass, take some dough
Fill this can, so that I can keep on

I am done! Summer’s heat
from the sun has me beat!
Putrid stench from some dead little rat
In the bed by the walk
under dead flower stalks
What’s the use of my owning a cat?

Thowing up, choke and retch,
"Pick it up!" She’ll kvetch
My old hag doesn’t care that I’m tired
So she’ll bitch and she’ll moan
That old witch surely knows
Just how much I hate being retired!

Written by ReggiePoet (Reggie)
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Tallen
Tallen
earth_empath
Tyrant of Words
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Joined 15th Oct 2018
Forum Posts: 1929

Shorn of Hetaera

(seventeen of 30 - Official DUP NaPo/GloPoWrimo 2020)

I need a lover for life
Eat together
Cook SPAM and rice
Tend to the Garden
I do not need a wife

I need a lover for lease
Whisper the secrets
of the universe
in one another’s ears
Piece by Piece

I need a lover for rent
We’ll get a room
& pretend
it’s a one-night-stand

I need a lover who can
be anyone
maybe everyone
because I am
getting tired of using
my hand!




____________________
#NaPoWriMo2020
75 words
51 unique
Written by Tallen (earth_empath)
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Numer90
Numer90
Numer0-un0
Thought Provoker
Nigeria
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Joined 12th Dec 2020
Forum Posts: 60

Booze

I am not ready to die..
I know what they did in ancient Rome..
This booze on me won't let me lie..
Hey! Dominus come get me out of this ludu..

The least effect from this booze..
Made me feel I am the only mafia in the hood..
Teleporting Waterloo..
Dull enough believing I am a guru..

Boldly thinking I wore a bullet proof..
Running naked through the streets of Honolulu..
The effects of this booze are not so cool..
Never ever seen this confusion at point Mugu..

Burst ups like I am walking on balloons..
Still don't know if I forced myself into the building..
Call on the ushers to attend..
Please come give me a solution..

Not one of you should mess with me or keep me in the loop..
Tell you what I'm such a bully..
Now all I need is just a tool..
Back there some girl dropped her dildo..
Written by Numer90 (Numer0-un0)
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faithmairee
faithmairee
Faith Elizabeth Brigham
Dangerous Mind
United States
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Joined 29th Aug 2012
Forum Posts: 165

Thank you, Reggie Poet, for getting the ball rolling with your wonderful poem. Perfect choice of photo to go with it. I'm really lmao here! Thanks for joining the competition and the best of luck to you!

Trome
Trome
Fire of Insight
United States
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Joined 23rd June 2017
Forum Posts: 37

One minute man

Fuck me            
Is it me or my age            
Now these days            
Having sex            
Lasting one minute            
It's not pretty            
Fuck me            
What's wrong with me            
I'm in my late s 30 s            
I work, read and exercise        
Jog a few miles            
Eating right chewing & swallowing vitamins            
Walk my dog          
Stay out of trouble          
I'm Drug free        
Drink wine on the regular        
Go to church every Sunday            
Treat my wife like everyday is Christmas      
            
Remembering those  youth days      
 lasting for hours        
Now I'm living days very grays      
          
Crying in a      
Less empty sticky river            
Shooting blanks            
 is tough to swallow            
Feeling tire            
Feeling old sucks            
Don't tell me I need Viagra            
As soon as she
 open s her bra            
I cum too quickly            
This is worst then fucking a bipolar female            
Is like living  point less            
Fucking stress            
Drinking energy drinks            
Fuck you red bull            
Monster who            
I guess you            
Between the sheets            
Very sadden            
Fuck playing  John Madden          
Growing pains            
Cums stains          
 on my new  bed sheets            
Wasted sperm            
When will I learn            
When we get old            
It's very cold            
My dick is not  Shazam            
Will she leave me ?    
she will leave me tomorrow.    
I am sure of it this time     
In 60 seconds I lost my prime          
I guess It's god plan            
Today I understand            
I'm just a human being            
Just like you            
What a VERY extraordinary thing!”            
Call me          
The one minute man
Written by Trome
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Trome
Trome
Fire of Insight
United States
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Joined 23rd June 2017
Forum Posts: 37

Too many lines

Oops

Zazzles
Zazzles
Broomie
Tyrant of Words
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Joined 23rd Nov 2013
Forum Posts: 1591

The unfortunate meeting of a Choad

She went out to get laid  
at a private club                
ordered a few martinis      
with a sensual rub     
 
then in walked the man  
of her dreams              
shirtless In loose  
fitting jeans          
 
when low and behold      
he dropped his pants                    
performed a goofy dance      
an out fell his choad___!                  
“WHOA!”                  
                   
The most hated cock & balls      
known to mankind       
said to make women go blind      
possessing and taking over their soul      
Oh ____! the dreaded choad!                  
                   
Meh,                   
a fist full of dollars      
an a cheap bottle of wine later      
an she’s hooked, the rope- a-dope  
fast at work! with a drunken smirk,  
she slurps then burps 😁
Written by Zazzles (Broomie)
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Razzerleaf
Razzerleaf
Fire of Insight
United Kingdom
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Joined 15th Sep 2019
Forum Posts: 302

Lunch Date

A curious snippet had lunch with a cricket,
they ate moth ball and mushroom pie,
Mr Snail the waiter, came two hours later,
with a drink that could close one eye.

Now these snippets are prone, if they're left alone,
to finding small pieces of cheese,
when the cricket partook and his other eye shut,
snippet danced a re-verse strip tease.

But the problem you see and I say this with glee,
is that cricket, finally came round
and there in his lap, the snippet was sat,
by seven jumpers, four bra's she was bound.

Cricket jumped up and his fist he shook,
at the clothes ball, that fell on the floor,
over garments all gone, screamed, what have you done,
his mistake was in closing the door.

With madness afoot, miss snippet jumped up
and swigged on her eye closing brew,
they set off in a dance, called lost underpants
and from that moment on, they just knew.

Blue bells chimed, just in time
as the cockroach arrived at the gate,
with snail as the vicar, it could have gone quicker,
they swapped rings at a quarter to eight.

The weather was mild and she heavy with child
felt the urge, to call for the cricket,
he brought hot water, she gave him a daughter,
a mischievous, bouncing young snicket.
Written by Razzerleaf
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personanongrata
personanongrata
persona non grata
Thought Provoker
Greece
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Joined 8th June 2015
Forum Posts: 233

zeus joint

Looking for an empty page
I swallow my bitter taste
I inhale and pray to Nemesis
as my least suicidal tendencies

May it finishes and starts all over again
May I mentally visit rates I've been
and a wish for love around the world
from the biggest joint for all souls on board

Hey, Sun, why don't you light it up?
As some gaze and as some have a nap
with a sunscreen veil upon our eyes
scattered cheers each time a planet dies

I ask, 'what may be inside a black hole?'
May be a Titan holding a giant roll
If he blew to Earth , we 'd live in peace
but would be as happy as a yellowfish






Written by personanongrata (persona non grata)
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TimWombles
TimWombles
Thought Provoker
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Joined 21st Sep 2020
Forum Posts: 19

Tinfoil Hats

“When did America lose touch with reality?  
After all we all know the Earth is flat...”  

I'll get my tinfoil hat and come back on that.  

Suddenly, people believe in things I know they didn't learn in school  
They try to make a believer in facts, feel like a fool  
 
I'd blame it on the schools, but half went to school with me  
Why don't they see the same world I see?  
 
Maybe it's that I never did drugs  
Maybe they didn't get enough hugs  
Maybe aliens filled their minds with bugs....  
Damn it.. now I'm thinking like they do  
 
It's not like I believe the world is controlled by a select few..  
(I know, because I got my info from Q.. or was it B or S, I know.. it's BS..)  
 
I get the feeling of not being in control  
The weight of that can take it's toll  
But really?  
 
Those Hollywood girls are being hypnotized  
That's why they dress that way, look into their eyes...  
(all I can see is money)  
The Democrats are eating babies  
(That's the kind of thing that gets you rabies)  
And child porn is all the rage at the Pizza Palace  
(You took the wrong pill Alice)  
 
You remember common sense?  
When did we lose it?  
That's it.. I'm taking my tinfoil hat and going home
Written by TimWombles
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Grace
Grace
Idryad
Guardian of Shadows
112awards   profile   poems   message
Joined 25th Aug 2011
Forum Posts: 15121

Joker's final Joke

He flipped his cards from his sleeves
came up with none so he got peeved
A lone card fell from the ceiling above
Fell on the floor, he saw it was the Joker

He announced to his unamused audience
He would be called the Joker from then on
He looked at them angry and mortified
for none smiled not even smirked

So he took his gun from his pocket
Shoot at everyone with hate
The gun shoot out red and blue bangs
from its snout, that fell to the floor

In fiery rage he found out
it was a prop pistol all the time
So he put it to his head
and shoot himself quite dead

The joker will never find out why
He got blown away that day
he forgot his left held the prop
and his right held the gun
Written by Grace (Idryad)
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Bigboycharles
Bigboycharles
Lost Thinker
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Joined 12th Feb 2021
Forum Posts: 4

Bananas

Bananas are life
The key to every housewife
 
Bananas are great
They make me salivate
 
Bananas are beautiful
They keep my mouthful

Bananas are yellow
For all of the mellow fellows

Bananas are delicious
Who could forget how nutritious

Bananas are all I need
They are great after weed

Bananas are my salvation
They are God's best creation

They give your mouth the best sensation
They keep me away from my strife
Bananas are life
         
            Charlie~
Written by Bigboycharles
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archie23
archie23
Thought Provoker
United States
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Joined 15th Nov 2020
Forum Posts: 10

So many different Dicks there are

SO MANY DIFFERENT DICKS THERE ARE

One dick two dick blue balls thick dick
sick dick slick dick, phone calls, need chick
This dick looks like green eggs and ham
eager and ready to slam you ma'am

This one's thin and that one's fat
and this one slams like a baseball bat
Hey! This guy's wearing a little hat!
What's its one eye staring at?

That dick's like a mummy pulled from a sarcophagus
while this trunk hangs low like Snuffleupagus
This one's like a toad with eight dicks like an octopus
each shooting its load into your esophagus

This one's rather limp while that one's quite swollen
and seeking a hole to slide a big pole in
This one's like a bowling pin with bowling balls rollin'
Here's a rockin' and rollin' big cock in your colon

This dick rose to be an enormous porn star
and this prick gets a blowjob in his dick shift car
This dick at the bar stuck its tip in the tip jar
So many different dicks there are
Written by archie23
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takis1917
takis1917
Fire of Insight
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Joined 6th Aug 2017
Forum Posts: 124

Four 'Always' In Four Lines For Tight Jean Back Pockets

Shit inherited, always, not proportionate to meekness exhibited...

Not, always, a happy meeting when you, finally, find yourself...

Dreams are not, always, killed... Occasionally, they die natural deaths...

Truth
is, always, elsewhere
and never in the middle...
Written by takis1917
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