Poetry competition CLOSED 19th September 2020 5:50pm
Jade-Pandora (jade tiger)
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Honest Marital Vows

poet Anonymous

Poetry Contest

A Cynical take on Marital Vows

Write a funny poem, with the theme of cynical and honest marriage vows.

one per person

something new

funnier the better, real is good too

Public vote

I am all for love, companionship, and loyalty, but I have always found the concept of marriage weird. I know there are people who love it, and probably have experiences of good marriages. I have seen loads of divorces, loads of nasty things kept within the marital institution.

This is a  dark humoured comedy competition. Maybe it's not funny. I have trouble with the difference between comedy and tragedy sometimes.

Here are a few of my mine:

I need money, you have loads, put the ring on me

I need someone to clean up my house and look good at the same time

My parents are getting too old to look after me, fancy the role as my new mother/father?

We made a baby lets get married, everyone else does

You not a complete psycho, and you can hold down a job, I suppose you'll do.

I need a person to dominate because i'm nothing in the real world, I want to be the lord of you, will you say I do?

poet Anonymous

ďCurse the day I met herĒ

She said I had a small dick
and that was a bigger problem
than her having to bend a leg
over the other to put a sock on

I was thrown away
a week after she got everything
on the wedding list

Love, honour and obey
totally sounds something like a free-thinker
because every night
I sat listening to her complain
about people wasting money
and she needed the alcohol to have a good time
Not remembering the night before
however, thatís my fault
but donít get into an argument about that with women
or anything else
theyíre right, even when theyíre ignorant

Francisco J Vera
Tyrant of Words
United States
20awards   profile   poems   message
Joined 25th Jan 2020
Forum Posts: 4894

Naughty Wedding Vows

Love, Honor, and Obey
Is what I do
Lather, Rinse, and Obey
Is what we need to be
doing to each other
Afterwards you need to be
in a Whipped Cream Bikini
for my Freaky Soul
Which I see:
honey, chocolate syrup,
cherries all over your
Insane hot body
Now that we got all the
Freaky Stuff out of the way
Let's get hitched
To do it all over again
Written by Phantom2426 (Francisco J Vera)
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Tyrant of Words
United States
129awards   profile   poems   message
Joined 11th July 2012
Forum Posts: 1550

Right From The Start

Look, I know itís not going to be perfect,
Iím going to fuck up every now and then,
Iíll own up to my mistakes but also expect,
I might just get under your skin.
Iíll act a fool to make you laugh and titter,
Even during those times Iíll make you mad,
And it may just happen so donít be bitter,
You know Iím clown so you shouldnít be sad.
I vow to do my honey doís without a frown,
I promise Iíll have a smile or at least a grin,
Iíll make sure to leave the toilet seat down,
After all the times Iíve heard you fall in.
Iíll get all the spiders and bugs that scare you,
Iíll even go out of my way to find any others,
And when we do something important for youÖ
I wonít give you no lip when we go to your motherís.
No subject will ever be too taboo to discuss,
I want to make sure we donít have any tension,
Now, if a juicy big booty is passing by us,
Iíll wait until you to bring it to my attention.
Whenever you ask me to be honest,
Iíll be brutally sincere so as not to scoff,
But if you bring up your weight I promise,
Iím biased so Iím going to lie my ass off.
Iím going to love you till the end of time,
Or as they say until death does us a part,
But if I drive you crazy it may be a sign,
So Iím just warning you right from the start.
Written by wallyroo92
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poet Anonymous

Great entries by all. I take my hat off to those who entered. It was only after I thought about it, that I realised how depressing the competition I thought up was. I guess I am always looking at the ugliness of life. When there is plenty beauty  to be viewed as well.

poet Anonymous

Mine doesnít count. I wasnít married. Thatís the beautiful side of life lol.

poet Anonymous

Yes I agree Dusty Journals

poet Anonymous

And why is it the beautiful side of life?
Because you donít get stuck with a psycho, who thinks you donít need friends, and only have her to talk to. Even when sheís treating you like shit and you arenít on speaking terms. You still arenít allowed to speak to anyone else lol.

jade tiger
Tyrant of Words
United States
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Joined 9th Nov 2015
Forum Posts: 5134

( I am not libel for my actions )

I knew it was on a Sunday,
Banana cake & chocílate sauce,
Then pie a la mode fat Monday.
Next weekend is fruit cup no loss.

I fell in love with a blind date
And took a bus to Venice Beach,
But we could hardly stand the wait
And honeymooned miles out of reach.

Weíd said our vows right on the sand,
The tourists stood around with beer.
The minister then took my hand,
But all the rest I couldnít hear.

We found a dingy motel room
For privacy, and Ďcause I burn.
Already I felt pretty soon
My stomach was about to churn.

I swear I was fantasizing
Upon his gearshift getting hard.
And yes I was plagiarizing
Words of a Hallmark greeting card.

I sent it in an old shoebox,
I donít think Iíll be going home.
A crow can fly for forty blocks
So Iíll just wing it on my own.

Is this how to make a living?
Donít ask the spy whoís behind you.
Itís Monday and Iím ad-libbing,
Hear my words, his lips never moved.

poet Anonymous

Thank you to all who entered

DU Webmistress
Mistress of the Underground
1awards   profile   ?

The winner of this competition and any runners up were decided by public vote.

Thank you to the following members for voting:

Bluevelvete, TimWombles, lepperochan, Josh, Tallen, Phantom2426, Valeriyabeyond, Poems4me, Kinkpoet, MadameLavender, eroseternal, runaway-mindtrain

poet Anonymous

thank you admin

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