==================== A place most requisite
On your poem's page, I explained we wanted poetry and not prose. I even went to the lengths of converting some of your sentences into stanzas with multiple lines and how this would increase emphasis on certain aspects of each sentence.
You compromised and converted each sentence into a stanza, but your entry still is in prose format. This is a shame, because there is some breath-taking writing in your entry that transports the reader into another realm.
While you honored Yeats by choosing a rhyming form, we're not entirely sure how it was inspired by Yeats's "A Coat" ..? As for essence, we suggest you check our review of Honoria's poem, which was inspired by said poem as well.
Aside from this, your first two sentences contained too many commas. And the repeats of "so" and "but" beginning lines weighed heavily on its overall performance.
==================== gentle in sweet meat
We felt this to be the better of your two entries, as it more honors "The Cold Heaven" in terms of essence and an applicable title than milkstone and pumice
does of "The Second Coming".
Technically, both have issues that brought their scores down, and here are a few from each to start with: gentle in sweet meat
- "though I have just one broken monocle" should read something like "though I have a broken monocle" because the narrator certainly wouldn't start out with 2 or more monocles to begin with ( and certainly not 2 or more broken monocles ).
- "covering a blue sleepy deep dream" should read something like "covering a blue, sleepy-deep dream" because of so many adjectives incorporated.
- The 4th Stanza does not begin capitalized.
- "As" in the 5th Stanza should not be capitalized. milkstone and pumice
- Line 2 ends with an endstop rather than a question mark.
- There should be a comma after "earth" in Line 5.
- In line 12, the word "off" is repeated twice, but it seems as though the second instance should be "of" ---"off the freezing scale, of cream for dead skin" which would make more sense to the reader.
==================== Left Brain Analysis of Creation
While you nailed the essence of the chosen inspiration poem --- in an odd reversal compared to your Fulton entry, here your enjambments were great, but the overall poem suffered from technical problems arising from the entire thing being compressed into a single sentence.
The two dashes serving as emdashes were not necessary and towards the end, many "small words" were repeated to carry the poem to its conclusion, detracting from its overall performance.
Left brain analysis of
Strips away from the center of
The bleeding artistsí brush, replaced with a chart
That rambles on about numbered equation,
Stealing my time, my inner essence of life-
Bringing into sharp relief the bitter strife
Betwixt left side and right, a dead sensation
Eating its fill of
half-formed canvas, smeared By
which Iíve adhered To
lackluster forms, banal translation Of
Leaving me dry and perhaps less refined- To
drown in pools [u]of[/b] artistic stagnation.
Congratulations to everyone for quality entries; thank you again for honoring the classics. We hope to see you in our latest Classic Corner challenges currently underway. PLEASE familiarize yourself with the updated guidelines before entering the following: Rabindranath Tagore https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11600/ Ai Ogwaga https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11599/
Also, don't forget to vote in November's CCC Poll
in the speakeasy! https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/speakeasy/read/11601/