Poetry competition CLOSED 1st October 2020 6:38pm
WINNER
PoetsRevenge
PoetsRevenge
RUNNERS-UP:
DaisyGrace
and Honoria
the centre cannot hold
Wings
I’ll give this poem some wings,
So it may go forward to another day,
So that it flies away when I pray,
Resonating like notes on strings.
But I’m afraid that in what I write,
Someone might just shoot it down,
Because when words are lost in flight,
The message will never come to light.
But I’ll redo and the next time around,
The verses will crawl out at night.
Written by wallyroo92
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DUPeeps, we have a little over 24 hours to go before September's CCComps expire!
PLEASE double check your entries to ensure there are no errors in spelling, grammar, and puncuation, and that all the competition guidelines are being adhered to.
Who wants to be knocked out of Trophee contention for something simple as a typo? Or be disqualified for failing to add a poem title and link to said poem in your entry's Notes? That's right - YOU don't want to be.
PLEASE double check your entries to ensure there are no errors in spelling, grammar, and puncuation, and that all the competition guidelines are being adhered to.
Who wants to be knocked out of Trophee contention for something simple as a typo? Or be disqualified for failing to add a poem title and link to said poem in your entry's Notes? That's right - YOU don't want to be.
A big thank you to all who paid tribute to this month's featured poets with unique emulations. As in previous challenges, these are very difficult to judge, and sometimes come down to a simple typo or grammatical error breaking a tie. This month was no different.
That being said, here are the following winners!
First Place: PoetsRevenge for She, In Heaven
This entry is flawless and superior to your other. In regards to the inspiration poem by Yeats, though the subject was similar in that it involved a woman dying and going to an afterlife, clearly you owned this challenge through your own words!
Congratulations! You get the Tropheee!
Here are some notes regarding your second entry, Dilemna Of Man, which was breath-taking as well:
"dilemma" is the only proper spelling of the word, though numerous people will swear up and down that they were taught to spell it with an 'n". One of many theories postulates that "dilemna" was a typo that was allowed to persist in school textbooks for a period of time until those textbooks were dispensed with. Another theory is "The Mandela Effect" which may involve a change in The Matrix.
Also, there should be a comma after "wanton", while there should not be a comma in the line "And to his will they[,] too must die".
Second: DaisyGrace for She Begs the Night
You owned this, but did you really nail it?
According to online analysis and common consensus, the inspiration poem "The Everlasting Voices" contains a lot of reference to Celtic beliefs. If this is true, Yeats was too generic and ambiguous with his wording for the average reader to receive this.
Therefore, we say, yes, you did the best with what you had to work with and made it relateable to anyone during any period of history.
Technically, the dash ending Line 5 was not necessary.
And just as a suggestion out of all of the possible ways to be worded, the following lines could use some rearranging from
"than what is civil? I beg you. A small reprieve?
I fear your denial; I shall toil, as always, in your landscapes.
O Voices, I cannot stand the sound of thee."
to
"than what is civil? I shall toil, as always
in your landscapes. I beg you, a small reprieve?
O Voices, I cannot stand the sound of thee."
Already implied is "I fear your denial", so this aspect is recommended for the cutting room floor.
Third Place: Honoria for Selfdom
Aside from a few punctuation errors and one missing endstop, you made great use of the inspiration poem with your own concept regarding being genuine as opposed to imitative by modeling others, whereas Yeats put the emphasis on being empty-handed and honest versus presenting something plagiaristic.
In essence, you nailed the essence of Yeat's poem! However, errors regarding punctuation brought your score down.
[[ ]] indicates what shouldn't belong. Suggestions are inserted.
I armor myself
Smeared in herringbone and tweeds
From fashion mags and runways < endstop or semicolon is needed
My front and back[[;]]
Are poached and copied, < replace with endstop
Microscopically seen. < emdash recommended instead
The aper’s delight.
The burden is their[[’]]s, < emdash, semicolon, or ellipsis needed instead of comma
I have way more at stake
Exposing my truth.
====================
The Young Man[ ]s Song by anvinvil
Yeats's poem of the same name is essentially advice to young men. The penny and narrator converse about a woman with curly hair fancied. The emphasis on youth throughout the poem reinforces the notion that the sooner one begins the exploration, the more about Love itself there is to discover within a lifetime. The overly dramatic pining to one's pocket change quirkily stresses the need to explore what is being wished for in one's mind ( symbolized by tossing the coin ( perhaps into a fountain ) ), for it is in the mind where the journey truly occurs.
Anvinvil, your poem echoes this with more of a literal physical searching of the planet by saying, "You won't know Love until you look for someone who may Love you back."
The capitlization of your sentences is inconsistent and punctuation is not followed through with ending a couple of lines, aside from one unnecessary apostrophe and the missing apostrophe in the title. A question mark was added. Underlined is repetition in the wording ( whereas Yeats in the inspiration poem purposely repeated the words 'love' and 'brown penny' for rhythmic effect).
I question myself, am I fit to love[?]
[d]oes love indeed fit in me?
The question floods my mind
with answers not forthcoming.
Love’s not found unless love is sought.
Search the world for that princess true[.]
Your fate, her fate become one fate.
Love is such a winding path, through
times both good and bad, [it’s]
course unknown, the direction blind.
But begin I must, begin in this
adolescent fog to feel my way
for certainty that comes with love.
[a]nd perhaps answer my own
question of why. And how?
Your second entry was disqualified for not having a link to the inspiration poem in its Notes.
====================
A posy of lavender by slipalong
This a lovely poem with some wonderful rhyming.
Unfortunately, missing question marks along with the beginnings of new sentences not being capitalized threw your entire poem into technical chaos.
Inserted are [ ] where a comma ( or possibly a semicolon in some cases ) should appear.
Brackets are around commas that shouldn't be there.
Brackets are around letters to indicate the beginning of new sentences.
Question marks were added.
Come rescue me, find in me a troubadour[ ]
a verse upon the strings of lute[ ]
an apparition rise and be disposed
and clothed so pure without dispute
The gilded lark to reach her ear
and carry my proposal in its beak
[j]ust for love, lovelorn in despair[ ]
lavender[ ] its power so unique
Vain hope to clutch at empty straw
will she grasp the posy that I toss[?]
[t]he beating heart wings so it soars
or will the shutter close, and all be loss[?]
Hold the herbs of love close to her nose
in frame and glass its picture plain[ ]
its essence gain a foothold in her soul[ ]
melt her image, haughty, caught in bold distain
My couplets ring and be sublime[ ]
repeat my song how many times
[t]he taste the pleasure of her kiss[ ]
not vinegar[ ] but wine[,] if I persist
[w]ill she use semaphore, raise the flag[?]
[c]olour of her robes will I see revealed[?]
[a] dress of red or blue so cortisaine
or virgin white[,] as I gasp[ ] relieved[ ]
Usually, a comma at the end of a line is not necessary, because the end of the line can serve as a natural comma. However, in this poem, the commas were necessary because of the missing question marks and lack of capitalizations.
There was also no link to the inspiration poem "Cap and Bells" in your Notes.
continued in next post
That being said, here are the following winners!
First Place: PoetsRevenge for She, In Heaven
This entry is flawless and superior to your other. In regards to the inspiration poem by Yeats, though the subject was similar in that it involved a woman dying and going to an afterlife, clearly you owned this challenge through your own words!
Congratulations! You get the Tropheee!
Here are some notes regarding your second entry, Dilemna Of Man, which was breath-taking as well:
"dilemma" is the only proper spelling of the word, though numerous people will swear up and down that they were taught to spell it with an 'n". One of many theories postulates that "dilemna" was a typo that was allowed to persist in school textbooks for a period of time until those textbooks were dispensed with. Another theory is "The Mandela Effect" which may involve a change in The Matrix.
Also, there should be a comma after "wanton", while there should not be a comma in the line "And to his will they[,] too must die".
Second: DaisyGrace for She Begs the Night
You owned this, but did you really nail it?
According to online analysis and common consensus, the inspiration poem "The Everlasting Voices" contains a lot of reference to Celtic beliefs. If this is true, Yeats was too generic and ambiguous with his wording for the average reader to receive this.
Therefore, we say, yes, you did the best with what you had to work with and made it relateable to anyone during any period of history.
Technically, the dash ending Line 5 was not necessary.
And just as a suggestion out of all of the possible ways to be worded, the following lines could use some rearranging from
"than what is civil? I beg you. A small reprieve?
I fear your denial; I shall toil, as always, in your landscapes.
O Voices, I cannot stand the sound of thee."
to
"than what is civil? I shall toil, as always
in your landscapes. I beg you, a small reprieve?
O Voices, I cannot stand the sound of thee."
Already implied is "I fear your denial", so this aspect is recommended for the cutting room floor.
Third Place: Honoria for Selfdom
Aside from a few punctuation errors and one missing endstop, you made great use of the inspiration poem with your own concept regarding being genuine as opposed to imitative by modeling others, whereas Yeats put the emphasis on being empty-handed and honest versus presenting something plagiaristic.
In essence, you nailed the essence of Yeat's poem! However, errors regarding punctuation brought your score down.
[[ ]] indicates what shouldn't belong. Suggestions are inserted.
I armor myself
Smeared in herringbone and tweeds
From fashion mags and runways < endstop or semicolon is needed
My front and back[[;]]
Are poached and copied, < replace with endstop
Microscopically seen. < emdash recommended instead
The aper’s delight.
The burden is their[[’]]s, < emdash, semicolon, or ellipsis needed instead of comma
I have way more at stake
Exposing my truth.
====================
The Young Man[ ]s Song by anvinvil
Yeats's poem of the same name is essentially advice to young men. The penny and narrator converse about a woman with curly hair fancied. The emphasis on youth throughout the poem reinforces the notion that the sooner one begins the exploration, the more about Love itself there is to discover within a lifetime. The overly dramatic pining to one's pocket change quirkily stresses the need to explore what is being wished for in one's mind ( symbolized by tossing the coin ( perhaps into a fountain ) ), for it is in the mind where the journey truly occurs.
Anvinvil, your poem echoes this with more of a literal physical searching of the planet by saying, "You won't know Love until you look for someone who may Love you back."
The capitlization of your sentences is inconsistent and punctuation is not followed through with ending a couple of lines, aside from one unnecessary apostrophe and the missing apostrophe in the title. A question mark was added. Underlined is repetition in the wording ( whereas Yeats in the inspiration poem purposely repeated the words 'love' and 'brown penny' for rhythmic effect).
I question myself, am I fit to love[?]
[d]oes love indeed fit in me?
The question floods my mind
with answers not forthcoming.
Love’s not found unless love is sought.
Search the world for that princess true[.]
Your fate, her fate become one fate.
Love is such a winding path, through
times both good and bad, [it’s]
course unknown, the direction blind.
But begin I must, begin in this
adolescent fog to feel my way
for certainty that comes with love.
[a]nd perhaps answer my own
question of why. And how?
Your second entry was disqualified for not having a link to the inspiration poem in its Notes.
====================
A posy of lavender by slipalong
This a lovely poem with some wonderful rhyming.
Unfortunately, missing question marks along with the beginnings of new sentences not being capitalized threw your entire poem into technical chaos.
Inserted are [ ] where a comma ( or possibly a semicolon in some cases ) should appear.
Brackets are around commas that shouldn't be there.
Brackets are around letters to indicate the beginning of new sentences.
Question marks were added.
Come rescue me, find in me a troubadour[ ]
a verse upon the strings of lute[ ]
an apparition rise and be disposed
and clothed so pure without dispute
The gilded lark to reach her ear
and carry my proposal in its beak
[j]ust for love, lovelorn in despair[ ]
lavender[ ] its power so unique
Vain hope to clutch at empty straw
will she grasp the posy that I toss[?]
[t]he beating heart wings so it soars
or will the shutter close, and all be loss[?]
Hold the herbs of love close to her nose
in frame and glass its picture plain[ ]
its essence gain a foothold in her soul[ ]
melt her image, haughty, caught in bold distain
My couplets ring and be sublime[ ]
repeat my song how many times
[t]he taste the pleasure of her kiss[ ]
not vinegar[ ] but wine[,] if I persist
[w]ill she use semaphore, raise the flag[?]
[c]olour of her robes will I see revealed[?]
[a] dress of red or blue so cortisaine
or virgin white[,] as I gasp[ ] relieved[ ]
Usually, a comma at the end of a line is not necessary, because the end of the line can serve as a natural comma. However, in this poem, the commas were necessary because of the missing question marks and lack of capitalizations.
There was also no link to the inspiration poem "Cap and Bells" in your Notes.
continued in next post
====================
A place most requisite by Darkpoetria
On your poem's page, I explained we wanted poetry and not prose. I even went to the lengths of converting some of your sentences into stanzas with multiple lines and how this would increase emphasis on certain aspects of each sentence.
You compromised and converted each sentence into a stanza, but your entry still is in prose format. This is a shame, because there is some breath-taking writing in your entry that transports the reader into another realm.
====================
Wings by wallyroo92
While you honored Yeats by choosing a rhyming form, we're not entirely sure how it was inspired by Yeats's "A Coat" ..? As for essence, we suggest you check our review of Honoria's poem, which was inspired by said poem as well.
Aside from this, your first two sentences contained too many commas. And the repeats of "so" and "but" beginning lines weighed heavily on its overall performance.
====================
gentle in sweet meat by nomoth
We felt this to be the better of your two entries, as it more honors "The Cold Heaven" in terms of essence and an applicable title than milkstone and pumice does of "The Second Coming".
Technically, both have issues that brought their scores down, and here are a few from each to start with:
gentle in sweet meat
- "though I have just one broken monocle" should read something like "though I have a broken monocle" because the narrator certainly wouldn't start out with 2 or more monocles to begin with ( and certainly not 2 or more broken monocles ).
- "covering a blue sleepy deep dream" should read something like "covering a blue, sleepy-deep dream" because of so many adjectives incorporated.
- The 4th Stanza does not begin capitalized.
- "As" in the 5th Stanza should not be capitalized.
milkstone and pumice
- Line 2 ends with an endstop rather than a question mark.
- There should be a comma after "earth" in Line 5.
- In line 12, the word "off" is repeated twice, but it seems as though the second instance should be "of" ---"off the freezing scale, of cream for dead skin" which would make more sense to the reader.
====================
Left Brain Analysis of Creation by eerie
While you nailed the essence of the chosen inspiration poem --- in an odd reversal compared to your Fulton entry, here your enjambments were great, but the overall poem suffered from technical problems arising from the entire thing being compressed into a single sentence.
The two dashes serving as emdashes were not necessary and towards the end, many "small words" were repeated to carry the poem to its conclusion, detracting from its overall performance.
Left brain analysis of creation
Strips away from the center of my heart
The bleeding artists’ brush, replaced with a chart
That rambles on about numbered equation,
Stealing my time, my inner essence of life-
Bringing into sharp relief the bitter strife
Betwixt left side and right, a dead sensation
Eating its fill of half-formed canvas, smeared
By obligation, to which I’ve adhered
To lackluster forms, banal translation
Of artist by analytical mind,
Leaving me dry and perhaps less refined-
To drown in pools [u]of[/b] artistic stagnation.
====================
Congratulations to everyone for quality entries; thank you again for honoring the classics. We hope to see you in our latest Classic Corner challenges currently underway. PLEASE familiarize yourself with the updated guidelines before entering the following:
Rabindranath Tagore
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11600/
Ai Ogwaga
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11599/
Also, don't forget to vote in November's CCC Poll in the speakeasy!
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/speakeasy/read/11601/
A place most requisite by Darkpoetria
On your poem's page, I explained we wanted poetry and not prose. I even went to the lengths of converting some of your sentences into stanzas with multiple lines and how this would increase emphasis on certain aspects of each sentence.
You compromised and converted each sentence into a stanza, but your entry still is in prose format. This is a shame, because there is some breath-taking writing in your entry that transports the reader into another realm.
====================
Wings by wallyroo92
While you honored Yeats by choosing a rhyming form, we're not entirely sure how it was inspired by Yeats's "A Coat" ..? As for essence, we suggest you check our review of Honoria's poem, which was inspired by said poem as well.
Aside from this, your first two sentences contained too many commas. And the repeats of "so" and "but" beginning lines weighed heavily on its overall performance.
====================
gentle in sweet meat by nomoth
We felt this to be the better of your two entries, as it more honors "The Cold Heaven" in terms of essence and an applicable title than milkstone and pumice does of "The Second Coming".
Technically, both have issues that brought their scores down, and here are a few from each to start with:
gentle in sweet meat
- "though I have just one broken monocle" should read something like "though I have a broken monocle" because the narrator certainly wouldn't start out with 2 or more monocles to begin with ( and certainly not 2 or more broken monocles ).
- "covering a blue sleepy deep dream" should read something like "covering a blue, sleepy-deep dream" because of so many adjectives incorporated.
- The 4th Stanza does not begin capitalized.
- "As" in the 5th Stanza should not be capitalized.
milkstone and pumice
- Line 2 ends with an endstop rather than a question mark.
- There should be a comma after "earth" in Line 5.
- In line 12, the word "off" is repeated twice, but it seems as though the second instance should be "of" ---"off the freezing scale, of cream for dead skin" which would make more sense to the reader.
====================
Left Brain Analysis of Creation by eerie
While you nailed the essence of the chosen inspiration poem --- in an odd reversal compared to your Fulton entry, here your enjambments were great, but the overall poem suffered from technical problems arising from the entire thing being compressed into a single sentence.
The two dashes serving as emdashes were not necessary and towards the end, many "small words" were repeated to carry the poem to its conclusion, detracting from its overall performance.
Left brain analysis of creation
Strips away from the center of my heart
The bleeding artists’ brush, replaced with a chart
That rambles on about numbered equation,
Stealing my time, my inner essence of life-
Bringing into sharp relief the bitter strife
Betwixt left side and right, a dead sensation
Eating its fill of half-formed canvas, smeared
By obligation, to which I’ve adhered
To lackluster forms, banal translation
Of artist by analytical mind,
Leaving me dry and perhaps less refined-
To drown in pools [u]of[/b] artistic stagnation.
====================
Congratulations to everyone for quality entries; thank you again for honoring the classics. We hope to see you in our latest Classic Corner challenges currently underway. PLEASE familiarize yourself with the updated guidelines before entering the following:
Rabindranath Tagore
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11600/
Ai Ogwaga
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11599/
Also, don't forget to vote in November's CCC Poll in the speakeasy!
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/speakeasy/read/11601/
Anonymous
A big congratulations to PoetsRevenge, I was so in awe of your entries, a thoroughly deserved win. Congrats too, to DaisyGrace and Honoria just excellent and inspiring writing.
Thanks Johnny also again for taking time for your excellent critique. I agree with all you say and I should have gone over more thoroughly with a revision, I learned a lot from what you said. I did struggle with Yeats and actually learned a lot from the interpretation of the entries as much as reading straight from his poems, if that makes sense.
So thanks and bravo to all who entered.
Thanks Johnny also again for taking time for your excellent critique. I agree with all you say and I should have gone over more thoroughly with a revision, I learned a lot from what you said. I did struggle with Yeats and actually learned a lot from the interpretation of the entries as much as reading straight from his poems, if that makes sense.
So thanks and bravo to all who entered.
nomoth said:A big congratulations to PoetsRevenge, I was so in awe of your entries, a thoroughly deserved win. Congrats too, to DaisyGrace and Honoria just excellent and inspiring writing.
Thanks Johnny also again for taking time for your excellent critique. I agree with all you say and I should have gone over more thoroughly with a revision, I learned a lot from what you said. I did struggle with Yeats and actually learned a lot from the interpretation of the entries as much as reading straight from his poems, if that makes sense.
So thanks and bravo to all who entered.
You're welcome, nomoth.
All of these critiques are made possible through hours of team effort; Ahavati and I both approaching each poem from our own angles and insights.
And, yes, it does make sense; having an entry and an inspiration poem side by side for comparison allows one keys to unlock the file cabinet of the other and access greater understanding of both. These are great learning experiences for us as well.
Thanks Johnny also again for taking time for your excellent critique. I agree with all you say and I should have gone over more thoroughly with a revision, I learned a lot from what you said. I did struggle with Yeats and actually learned a lot from the interpretation of the entries as much as reading straight from his poems, if that makes sense.
So thanks and bravo to all who entered.
You're welcome, nomoth.
All of these critiques are made possible through hours of team effort; Ahavati and I both approaching each poem from our own angles and insights.
And, yes, it does make sense; having an entry and an inspiration poem side by side for comparison allows one keys to unlock the file cabinet of the other and access greater understanding of both. These are great learning experiences for us as well.
slipalong said:Well done P/R
nomoth said:A big congratulations to PoetsRevenge, I was so in awe of your entries, a thoroughly deserved win..
Eerie said:Congrats to the winners! Your entries were all so excellent!
I was so challenged at first by Yeats' poems, but I got hooked on his down to earth yet dreamy nature as I kept reading, each poem a facet of the philosophical questions that puzzled him deeply, as well as played his heartstrings. It's interesting how in so many generations the questions haven't changed, his work is timeless.
Congrats to the runners up, and thank you to our hosts, Johnny and Ahavati for the excellent critiques and writing help, its so helpful.
I am so honored to win this one, and in the words of Yeats,
'I carry the sun in a golden cup, the moon in a silver bag'
(and the cup overflows)
nomoth said:A big congratulations to PoetsRevenge, I was so in awe of your entries, a thoroughly deserved win..
Eerie said:Congrats to the winners! Your entries were all so excellent!
I was so challenged at first by Yeats' poems, but I got hooked on his down to earth yet dreamy nature as I kept reading, each poem a facet of the philosophical questions that puzzled him deeply, as well as played his heartstrings. It's interesting how in so many generations the questions haven't changed, his work is timeless.
Congrats to the runners up, and thank you to our hosts, Johnny and Ahavati for the excellent critiques and writing help, its so helpful.
I am so honored to win this one, and in the words of Yeats,
'I carry the sun in a golden cup, the moon in a silver bag'
(and the cup overflows)
