: Sting of Consciousness
We do feel you captured a large portion of Fulton's essence in your inspirational poem, Doing the Evolution Shuffle
, it's rather tame compared to Fulton's playfulness with vocabulary.
Technically, there are a few things: firstly, you meant to say "infringe" instead of "fringe". Secondly, commas; and, lastly, commas. Let's look at some stanzas:
I have a hard time understanding anti-maskers
when they claim their rights
are being fringed upon [ end stop or semi would work here ]
itís somewhere along the lines
of anti-vaxxers [ colon would work here ] it just sounds wrong.
Then again, selfishness, like greed, is a disease [end stop or semi ]
it slowly tears away
at the fabric of humanity [ end stop ]
[ I ]tís manifested in anger
with hatred and ignorance [ remove ]
devouring the world like a plague.
Also, in the latter example, redundancy of simile; we suggest replacing one of the 'likes' with 'as' ( preferably the first to add to the consonance and assonance of a/s ). The ending stanza particularly needs a bit of attention:
This pestilence takes lives without judgement [ end stop or semi ]
it's an indiscriminate selection
and unnatural evolution [ end stop ]
[ H ]opefully[ , ] in time [ remove end comma ]
they too will see the light [ remove end comma ]
before it gives out in the end.
While we realize that Fulton took liberties with commas, they didn't involve separating complete sentences. As a general rule, commas are the weakest
form of punctuation, since they're not strong enough to hold a complete sentence ( why we suggested end stops or semicolons in the examples above ).
Another excellent entry, Wally! We hope to see you back with us this month. PoetsRevenge
: Rearview Mirror With Baby Shoes
- Third Place
As discussed on your DU profile, the technicality that really shines in Fulton's inspirational poem, Babies
, is enjambment. I think she is equal to Vuong's brilliance in this aspect, as well as an emotional pull on the reader. Fulton's mastery of both in this poem is palpable and difficult to miss. You did a great job emulating both aspects of that.
Fulton's use of a double-entendre at the end of Babies
the sharp new smells, they grow and lie
as lovers. Maybe one cries
the wrong name, and the night skinning
them pleasantly alive
leaps away in shards.
Did you note what she did with 'lie
'? I think this is one of the most briliant examples of Fulton's ability to shift the tone of a poem in one word, as 'lies' could be interpreted as both lying to the other, or lying within the other's arms. Fulton takes it further by displaying, in four succinct lines, an emminent heartbreak when one lover cries out the wrong name ( which is the name on their mine ( the lie ) while lying in their lover's arms ). There is no ambiguity here; the reader is left with an "Oh fuck"
response, as many have committed the exact faux pas themselves, thus recognize the anguish.
The imagery in your poem was very nostalgic and, as Fulton's, evoked childhood recollections from each reader's interpretation. I particularly enjoyed the comparison to wrinkles between the car seats and baby shoes. My mother had both mine and my brother's shoes bronzed, and I remember recalling how wrinkled they were within the bronze. Wrinkles denote aging in most things. I do believe cars, as well as buildings, retain their secrets until reclaimed by nature.
You also did a great job of mimicking Fulton's ending by stating a fact in regards to the seats aging longer due to use then the shoes, which are but a fleeting moment in growth. This leaves no ambiguity in the truth of the statement that autos outlast a season of human growth.
In regards to the essence, I sensed somewhat a difference between the two: Fulton's seemed to focus on the evolution from birth to adulthood experiencing disastrous results from a faux pas ruining the entire evening ( and perhaps life ). It is uncertain if Fulton was the one who uttered the name, or was the recipient of the wrong name uttered, or if it involved her at all; it's very ambiguous; while observatory as Fulton's, yours was more family oriented, bringing that experience to the forefront with your brother's exchange, and carried on through your ending comparison between the seats and shoes.
Fulton's ending result evoked shock while yours evoked a warm memory. However, the journey was the same, so it wasn't enough to knock you out of placement. Congratulations, PR! We hope to see you back this month!
Thank you all for braving the Classic Corner, and honoring the giants who walked before and those who are still among us. We hope to see you all back again this month for Ai Ogwaga and Rabindrath Tagore: Ai
: https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11599/#500247 Tagore
Also, don't forget to vote in November's CCC Poll
in the speakeasy! https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/speakeasy/read/11601/