Poetry competition CLOSED 1st September 2020 5:37pm
WINNER
PoetsRevenge
PoetsRevenge
RUNNER-UP:
Calamityofgin
On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous
Anonymous
Related submission no longer exists.
Whooop! Whooop! Whooop!
Five days left to enter this bad boy! For those of you who already have, please double check your entries for errors of any kind. A single mishap such as an incorrectly spelled word can knock you out of Tropheee contention. And while you are at it, be sure to include the title of your inspirational poem and a link to it online in your author's note box. guidelines. Guidelines. GUIDELINES. We can't stress this enough.
Good luck to yawl in the judging!
Five days left to enter this bad boy! For those of you who already have, please double check your entries for errors of any kind. A single mishap such as an incorrectly spelled word can knock you out of Tropheee contention. And while you are at it, be sure to include the title of your inspirational poem and a link to it online in your author's note box. guidelines. Guidelines. GUIDELINES. We can't stress this enough.
Good luck to yawl in the judging!
You Are
' I don't know desire other than the need
to be shattered and rebuilt.'
- Ocean Vuong
Raw, a shredded self
ripped from the vine
lands in obscurity
torn from its fruition.
A sky
dims in its awareness.
Thrown, ejected
smearing into unreception
as loneliness seeps
into evey crevice of
your inner wall,
your sanctum,
it burns itself alive.
It writes itself down
in chalk on pavement
just before it rains,
its story untold.
It learns to speak
after reading its own
tale unredacted
by time and memory.
It is tatooed into
the walls of your skin
before it disappears.
You are cut from its cloth,
its sheath of unholyness
lives in your bounty.
Say you will
recieve its one image.
Say you will enter into it
and become it briefly,
ecstatically and exquisitely.
You are omnipotent
and more than immortal
in God's minute detail.
You are a permanent;
the stain that never
released itself from
this world.
.....
to be shattered and rebuilt.'
- Ocean Vuong
Raw, a shredded self
ripped from the vine
lands in obscurity
torn from its fruition.
A sky
dims in its awareness.
Thrown, ejected
smearing into unreception
as loneliness seeps
into evey crevice of
your inner wall,
your sanctum,
it burns itself alive.
It writes itself down
in chalk on pavement
just before it rains,
its story untold.
It learns to speak
after reading its own
tale unredacted
by time and memory.
It is tatooed into
the walls of your skin
before it disappears.
You are cut from its cloth,
its sheath of unholyness
lives in your bounty.
Say you will
recieve its one image.
Say you will enter into it
and become it briefly,
ecstatically and exquisitely.
You are omnipotent
and more than immortal
in God's minute detail.
You are a permanent;
the stain that never
released itself from
this world.
.....
Written by PoetsRevenge
Go To Page
Coyote Ugly
Once the bombs fall and the bullets fly
It’s time to get out of there
There is no diplomacy
There is no law to abide by
There is no process to follow
The instincts to stay alive kick in
While some lost limbs under the train
Others go through desert at night
Trying to avoid the blistering sun
Dying of thirst
looking at plastic gallons of water
spilled on upon the earth
Their vision escaping
Their mission seeming hopeless
As border patrol is approaching…
“Let’s have another round of shots”
A man tells his friends at the club
“It’s payday, it’s Friday
And we can have all the drinks we want”
They howl amidst the loud music…
But the coyotes are unpredictable
Sometimes they rape the women
After all, who would they go to?
Just keep scrolling past this post
There’s a special with 10% off
And Free Shipping!
It’ll be there in 5 business days
Hmm…Jeff made a little more money
He’s now worth 200 billion!
Good for him, living the dream
While others struggle to get a drink
Written by wallyroo92
Go To Page
Last call entrants. There are a few entrants who have continue to ignore guidelines, and were given initial grace ( though not awarded placement ). That stops here. If you do not have an inspirational poem listed in your author's comments, and a link to that inspirational poem, your entry is disqualified.
6. In your poem's Author Notes box, provide a link and a title to the very poem by Vuong that inspired yours. Without such, we have no way of determining if you were truly inspired by Vuong or simply swapped fresh words into his existing poetry ( which is a form of plagiarism ). This is a requirement regardless if you include a copy of the inspiration poem along with your entry.
6. In your poem's Author Notes box, provide a link and a title to the very poem by Vuong that inspired yours. Without such, we have no way of determining if you were truly inspired by Vuong or simply swapped fresh words into his existing poetry ( which is a form of plagiarism ). This is a requirement regardless if you include a copy of the inspiration poem along with your entry.
A big thank you to all who paid tribute to this month's featured poets with unique emulations. As in previous challenges, these are very difficult to judge, and sometimes come down to a simple typo or grammatical error breaking a tie. This month was no different.
As for Ocean Vuong in particular, I ( JohnnyBlaze ) personally found his writing style to be out of my comfort zone. His poems often require fielding a handful of abstract curve-balls.
It's kind of like saying, "I'm not going to hold your hand and explain everything to you. I will occasionally let go and you may struggle without me."
And this feels counterproductive to me because I prefer to read and write poems that read without any interruptions whatsoever.
That being said, here are the following winners!
First Place: PoetsRevenge for Aubade With Burning City (No Exit)
What a nail biter! We can picture a couple holding hands atop a burning building, comforting one another as there is nowhere to turn; there is "No Exit". That everything is going to hell and will never be the same looms over the poem like a highrise building or a cloud of smoke itself.
Congratulations! You get the Tropheee!
Obviously, we found this entry to be more compelling than your latter entry, which was also stunning.
Second Place: nomoth for '...the basic elements of containment in practise abroad'
While you got a bit carried away with the wordplay and abstracts, you emulated Vuong in all respects. This entry is completely original in it being wholly independent of the metaphor in "Toy Boat", but the message of having to let go, grow, and move on resonates regardless.
Third Place: Calamityofgin for It was White
Your entry begins with being about War and from that point on, we as readers are a bit like soldiers having rappelled out of a helicopter onto an actIve battlefield. It's an absolutely moving poem filled with stunning imagery and chaotic use of space and line placement.
However, why the interactions between the "he" and "she" are relevant to the war mentioned remains to be seen. We would liked to have read more about their relationship to it.
And, while characteristic of Vuong's style, the formatting also allowed a few technical glitches to get lost in the chaos. In other words, they aren't as noticeable until you comb through to examine punctuation and so forth.
Your ellipsis jumps around from three dots to four dots. It either immediately follows words ( word... ) or spaces after words ( word ... ). It's not consistent.
The spacing between lines or stanzas is not consistent - so If the larger gaps are being done for longer pause or emphasis, we can't really tell the difference because again, chaos everywhere.
There are two rogue periods: "There lay war." and "He would forever be." The remainder of the sentences are not end stopped.
"As on airways nostalgia comforted" It feels like a comma is missing from this. "As on airways, nostalgia comforted" That there should be a comma is debateable. Regardless, it momentarily detracts from the reading as the brain attempts to make sense of it. Not the smoothest of phrasings.
Honorable Mention: eswaller for Beautiful Memories (Ocean Vuong Tribute)
Elena, you really shined in this competition. You stepped out of your comfort zone of rhyming and delivered an emotionally compelling monologue that felt more like reading Vuong than eswaller. The more you step out of your zone, the more you read like someone entirely different --- and that is key to these emulations.
"Or when we laid
down on the soft grass and we would
see the stars shatter and break like
bullets going straight for the heart."
What amazing imagery Vuong is notable for!
However, there are some hiccups in the reading because of your enjambments. Here are the same lines reorganized.
"Or when we laid down on the soft grass
and we would see the stars shatter and break
like bullets going straight for the heart."
This is another instance of enjambment:
"I wish we could go back to where we were
most beautiful with your hair as a tangled
mess and feeling your heat through my shirt."
The first line reads so completely that the reader is inclined to pause when they need to keep reading instead. The second line ends in sort of a cliff hanger fashion, like being interrupted with the need to turn a page.
Here is a more flowing arrangement that places a natural emphasis on what is being said in each line, thus providing the reader with natural pauses.
"I wish we could go back
to where we were most beautiful
with your hair as a tangled mess
and feeling your heat through my shirt."
Aside from the enjambments, you were somewhat repetative in your language. We counted 10 instances of "we", 7 of "your", and 10 of "you".
Very quick observations on further entries ( because it takes a long time to review each poem and compile notes ):
slipalong - Firstly, your punctuation and capitalization is inconsistent.
Secondly, the source poem, like much of Vuong's poetry, involves Vuong's personal experiences. This entry of yours is from a very uninvolved or detached perspective. Therefore, it reads more like slipalong.
Anvinvil - There are no direct links to poems in your notes nor theme tags on either of your entries. There are a few lines in each that resonate with Vuong's essence, but otherwise they are mostly Anvinvil.
You would likewise benefit from restructuring your lines because of enjambment issues and by counting your words. For example, this brief
four line stanza reads wonky and contains 3 "will" and 3 "the". What's bold is where your emphasis ended up. I followed it with a more word efficient and flowing version.
"The anvil will sing the story
of my efforts and the stars
will hear and the clouds
will part."
"The anvil sings the story
of my efforts that stars hear
when clouds part."
Javalini - Your entry started out sizzling with great descriptions ( "a skeletal soul" ... OMG! ), but then somewhat fizzled into more cliched imagery ( angels, boats anchored, gods blowing storms ). The ending was a little too much of an inside story for the average reader to make sense of.
wallyroo92 - You did not capitalize all of your lines and your vocabulary likewise could use some optimizing. "there" appeared 4 times in the initial five lines. Further down was a "there's". "their" appeared 2 times in consecutive lines. "they" appeared 3 times in the span of four lines.
It's a bit of a struggle trying to ascertain who is doing what. The"coyotes" are definitely not nice people if they sometimes rape women, but ... are they the soldiers with a hopeless mission almost detected by a border patrol? Some clarity in these scenarios would benefit the whole.
Congratulations to everyone for quality entries; thank you again for honoring the classics. We hope to see you in our latest Classic Corner challenges currently underway. PLEASE familiarize yourself with the updated guidelines before entering the following:
William Butler Yeats
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11553/
Alice Fulton
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11552/
And please feel free to vote for one male and one female poet to be featured in October!
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/speakeasy/read/11554/
As for Ocean Vuong in particular, I ( JohnnyBlaze ) personally found his writing style to be out of my comfort zone. His poems often require fielding a handful of abstract curve-balls.
It's kind of like saying, "I'm not going to hold your hand and explain everything to you. I will occasionally let go and you may struggle without me."
And this feels counterproductive to me because I prefer to read and write poems that read without any interruptions whatsoever.
That being said, here are the following winners!
First Place: PoetsRevenge for Aubade With Burning City (No Exit)
What a nail biter! We can picture a couple holding hands atop a burning building, comforting one another as there is nowhere to turn; there is "No Exit". That everything is going to hell and will never be the same looms over the poem like a highrise building or a cloud of smoke itself.
Congratulations! You get the Tropheee!
Obviously, we found this entry to be more compelling than your latter entry, which was also stunning.
Second Place: nomoth for '...the basic elements of containment in practise abroad'
While you got a bit carried away with the wordplay and abstracts, you emulated Vuong in all respects. This entry is completely original in it being wholly independent of the metaphor in "Toy Boat", but the message of having to let go, grow, and move on resonates regardless.
Third Place: Calamityofgin for It was White
Your entry begins with being about War and from that point on, we as readers are a bit like soldiers having rappelled out of a helicopter onto an actIve battlefield. It's an absolutely moving poem filled with stunning imagery and chaotic use of space and line placement.
However, why the interactions between the "he" and "she" are relevant to the war mentioned remains to be seen. We would liked to have read more about their relationship to it.
And, while characteristic of Vuong's style, the formatting also allowed a few technical glitches to get lost in the chaos. In other words, they aren't as noticeable until you comb through to examine punctuation and so forth.
Your ellipsis jumps around from three dots to four dots. It either immediately follows words ( word... ) or spaces after words ( word ... ). It's not consistent.
The spacing between lines or stanzas is not consistent - so If the larger gaps are being done for longer pause or emphasis, we can't really tell the difference because again, chaos everywhere.
There are two rogue periods: "There lay war." and "He would forever be." The remainder of the sentences are not end stopped.
"As on airways nostalgia comforted" It feels like a comma is missing from this. "As on airways, nostalgia comforted" That there should be a comma is debateable. Regardless, it momentarily detracts from the reading as the brain attempts to make sense of it. Not the smoothest of phrasings.
Honorable Mention: eswaller for Beautiful Memories (Ocean Vuong Tribute)
Elena, you really shined in this competition. You stepped out of your comfort zone of rhyming and delivered an emotionally compelling monologue that felt more like reading Vuong than eswaller. The more you step out of your zone, the more you read like someone entirely different --- and that is key to these emulations.
"Or when we laid
down on the soft grass and we would
see the stars shatter and break like
bullets going straight for the heart."
What amazing imagery Vuong is notable for!
However, there are some hiccups in the reading because of your enjambments. Here are the same lines reorganized.
"Or when we laid down on the soft grass
and we would see the stars shatter and break
like bullets going straight for the heart."
This is another instance of enjambment:
"I wish we could go back to where we were
most beautiful with your hair as a tangled
mess and feeling your heat through my shirt."
The first line reads so completely that the reader is inclined to pause when they need to keep reading instead. The second line ends in sort of a cliff hanger fashion, like being interrupted with the need to turn a page.
Here is a more flowing arrangement that places a natural emphasis on what is being said in each line, thus providing the reader with natural pauses.
"I wish we could go back
to where we were most beautiful
with your hair as a tangled mess
and feeling your heat through my shirt."
Aside from the enjambments, you were somewhat repetative in your language. We counted 10 instances of "we", 7 of "your", and 10 of "you".
Very quick observations on further entries ( because it takes a long time to review each poem and compile notes ):
slipalong - Firstly, your punctuation and capitalization is inconsistent.
Secondly, the source poem, like much of Vuong's poetry, involves Vuong's personal experiences. This entry of yours is from a very uninvolved or detached perspective. Therefore, it reads more like slipalong.
Anvinvil - There are no direct links to poems in your notes nor theme tags on either of your entries. There are a few lines in each that resonate with Vuong's essence, but otherwise they are mostly Anvinvil.
You would likewise benefit from restructuring your lines because of enjambment issues and by counting your words. For example, this brief
four line stanza reads wonky and contains 3 "will" and 3 "the". What's bold is where your emphasis ended up. I followed it with a more word efficient and flowing version.
"The anvil will sing the story
of my efforts and the stars
will hear and the clouds
will part."
"The anvil sings the story
of my efforts that stars hear
when clouds part."
Javalini - Your entry started out sizzling with great descriptions ( "a skeletal soul" ... OMG! ), but then somewhat fizzled into more cliched imagery ( angels, boats anchored, gods blowing storms ). The ending was a little too much of an inside story for the average reader to make sense of.
wallyroo92 - You did not capitalize all of your lines and your vocabulary likewise could use some optimizing. "there" appeared 4 times in the initial five lines. Further down was a "there's". "their" appeared 2 times in consecutive lines. "they" appeared 3 times in the span of four lines.
It's a bit of a struggle trying to ascertain who is doing what. The"coyotes" are definitely not nice people if they sometimes rape women, but ... are they the soldiers with a hopeless mission almost detected by a border patrol? Some clarity in these scenarios would benefit the whole.
Congratulations to everyone for quality entries; thank you again for honoring the classics. We hope to see you in our latest Classic Corner challenges currently underway. PLEASE familiarize yourself with the updated guidelines before entering the following:
William Butler Yeats
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11553/
Alice Fulton
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11552/
And please feel free to vote for one male and one female poet to be featured in October!
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/speakeasy/read/11554/
Anonymous
Thank you so much for the placement. A massively thoroughly deserved win by PoetsRevenge as both her entries were just outstanding and of the highest quality as her poems always are. A big congrats to Jen too, who like myself may have felt a little outside of our comfort zone with this.
thank you again for the critique which i so appreciate and find completely valid and the points of which I share. this was a unique challenge so a big shout -out to all who entered this competition with their exceptional writing.
Thanks again and a big bravo to PoetsRevenge.
thank you again for the critique which i so appreciate and find completely valid and the points of which I share. this was a unique challenge so a big shout -out to all who entered this competition with their exceptional writing.
Thanks again and a big bravo to PoetsRevenge.
nomoth said:Thank you so much for the placement. A massively thoroughly deserved win by PoetsRevenge as both her entries were just outstanding and of the highest quality as her poems always are. A big congrats to Jen too, who like myself may have felt a little outside of our comfort zone with this.
thank you again for the critique which i so appreciate and find completely valid and the points of which I share. this was a unique challenge so a big shout -out to all who entered this competition with their exceptional writing.
Thanks again and a big bravo to PoetsRevenge.
You're welcome, nomoth. We find that you are very much in your comfort zone because you can create in such an abstract manner. I know my brain rarely works the way Vuong's does.
thank you again for the critique which i so appreciate and find completely valid and the points of which I share. this was a unique challenge so a big shout -out to all who entered this competition with their exceptional writing.
Thanks again and a big bravo to PoetsRevenge.
You're welcome, nomoth. We find that you are very much in your comfort zone because you can create in such an abstract manner. I know my brain rarely works the way Vuong's does.
nomoth said:A massively thoroughly deserved win by PoetsRevenge as both her entries were just outstanding and of the highest quality as her poems always are.
Thanks again and a big bravo to PoetsRevenge.
Thanks so much, Nomoth, I'm so touched to hear that. I enjoyed your entry also as well as Calamitygins, both were reflective of the chaotic mood of war. I keep trying to figure out why I love Ocean Vuong's work so much, and I think I love the challenge of trying to understand such complexity and fathom such depth, I agree that they are such. I'm so glad I could capture that nail-biting quality that is imbued in his poems, thanks Johnny for that comparison, I loved that. I'm truly honored to win this one, and appreciated the opportunity to rise to the challenge. The Night Sky was the limit
Thank you to our hosts, Johnny and Ahavati for hosting this enriching comp :)
Thanks again and a big bravo to PoetsRevenge.
Thanks so much, Nomoth, I'm so touched to hear that. I enjoyed your entry also as well as Calamitygins, both were reflective of the chaotic mood of war. I keep trying to figure out why I love Ocean Vuong's work so much, and I think I love the challenge of trying to understand such complexity and fathom such depth, I agree that they are such. I'm so glad I could capture that nail-biting quality that is imbued in his poems, thanks Johnny for that comparison, I loved that. I'm truly honored to win this one, and appreciated the opportunity to rise to the challenge. The Night Sky was the limit
Thank you to our hosts, Johnny and Ahavati for hosting this enriching comp :)
PoetsRevenge said:
Thanks so much, Nomoth, I'm so touched to hear that. I enjoyed your entry also as well as Calamitygins, both were reflective of the chaotic mood of war. I keep trying to figure out why I love Ocean Vuong's work so much, and I think I love the challenge of trying to understand such complexity and fathom such depth, I agree that they are such. I'm so glad I could capture that nail-biting quality that is imbued in his poems, thanks Johnny for that comparison, I loved that. I'm truly honored to win this one, and appreciated the opportunity to rise to the challenge. The Night Sky was the limit
Thank you to our hosts, Johnny and Ahavati for hosting this enriching comp :)
He is one of the most amazing writers I have ever read. Such an old soul in a young body and already a legend in his time. His enjambments are works of art. I. Have. Never.
And, PoetsRevenge, I want to note something about you and your entries on the classic comps. It's obvious that you don't just pick a poem and write a tribute. You study the poet and read through their poems until one truly resonates with you before you undertake the challenge. And that's why your reigning Queen of the Classics right now.
I can safely "predict" you will win and place in many more!
Thanks so much, Nomoth, I'm so touched to hear that. I enjoyed your entry also as well as Calamitygins, both were reflective of the chaotic mood of war. I keep trying to figure out why I love Ocean Vuong's work so much, and I think I love the challenge of trying to understand such complexity and fathom such depth, I agree that they are such. I'm so glad I could capture that nail-biting quality that is imbued in his poems, thanks Johnny for that comparison, I loved that. I'm truly honored to win this one, and appreciated the opportunity to rise to the challenge. The Night Sky was the limit
Thank you to our hosts, Johnny and Ahavati for hosting this enriching comp :)
He is one of the most amazing writers I have ever read. Such an old soul in a young body and already a legend in his time. His enjambments are works of art. I. Have. Never.
And, PoetsRevenge, I want to note something about you and your entries on the classic comps. It's obvious that you don't just pick a poem and write a tribute. You study the poet and read through their poems until one truly resonates with you before you undertake the challenge. And that's why your reigning Queen of the Classics right now.
I can safely "predict" you will win and place in many more!
You study the poet and read through their poems until one truly resonates with you before you undertake the challenge.
That's exactly what I do, mostly, I enjoy doing it that way. Also, I don't always aim high at first, I pick one that is within reach of my understanding, then move to tougher ones, sort of a step by step approach. I'm glad it's working. I'm still planning to read Vuong's book, I want to. Thanks for the encouragement :)
That's exactly what I do, mostly, I enjoy doing it that way. Also, I don't always aim high at first, I pick one that is within reach of my understanding, then move to tougher ones, sort of a step by step approach. I'm glad it's working. I'm still planning to read Vuong's book, I want to. Thanks for the encouragement :)
PoetsRevenge said:
That's exactly what I do, mostly, I enjoy doing it that way. Also, I don't always aim high at first, I pick one that is within reach of my understanding, then move to tougher ones, sort of a step by step approach. I'm glad it's working. I'm still planning to read Vuong's book, I want to. Thanks for the encouragement :)
It shows whole-heartedly. Namaste and blessed weekend, my friend. xo
That's exactly what I do, mostly, I enjoy doing it that way. Also, I don't always aim high at first, I pick one that is within reach of my understanding, then move to tougher ones, sort of a step by step approach. I'm glad it's working. I'm still planning to read Vuong's book, I want to. Thanks for the encouragement :)
It shows whole-heartedly. Namaste and blessed weekend, my friend. xo
