Hurt Anyone?

Broken Beyond Repair

My heart hurts
My heart aches
On the edge
of a break
I am devastated
Broken beyond repair
I am nothing
No one cares
I lost everyone
My friends, my love
Nothing will stop the pain
Not even death is strong enough
I don’t know happiness
It is now a stranger
I will forever live in pain
The pain I endure

Rights and wrongs

Hurt me
Break me
Kill me
Take me
I don't deserve
the right to live
the right to love
or the strength to forget
I was wrong
about us
you have been
through enough
You shouldn't love me
You shouldn't care
After what I
I did back there

Failure

I'm a failure life
I can't do anything right
I don't deserve to live
I don't deserve any
sympathy you give

I should be in a padded cell
To keep me from hurting you and myself
I hurt everything I touch
I hurt everyone I love

You shouldn't love me
Why do you try to help me?
You will get hurt
Why do you stay when
the choice to leave is yours

You tell me you want to help
That you can handle my hell
That I can't see the future
And I wont always be a failue

I ask what if your wrong....

Foster Care

a little boy sits in a small, dark, cold room
drowning in tears, despair, and gloom.
hears his "parents" yelling down the hall
pounding vibrates through the wall.
footsteps come and stop at the door
fear spreads through him to his very core.
sees the hand fly through the air, feels his cheek burn red
begins to cry, tries to crawl and hide under his bed.
paddle swings over and over till it breaks
doesn't know how much more he can take.
belt, paddle, fist it's all the same
he's just a pawn in their sick twisted game.
minute after minute goes by till they're too tired to hit anymore
they leave him bruised, beaten, and sobbing on the cold dirty floor.
hears screams in the other room, realizes they weren't done
it's his dear sister they're beating now and having their fun.
fuck, fuck, fuck, there's nothing, nothing he can do
except watch in tears, and tell her over and over "i love you".
broken and beaten, they sit later and wonder why, why, why?
how much more can they take before they die?
even he knows this is wrong, this isn't how kids live their lives
they aren't brought up being yelled at, beaten, threatened with knives.
this beating was worse than usual, it'll be a while for his scars to heal
his stomach won't stop growling, it's been a few days since his last meal.
his sister sneaks in later, tear streaked face, lost, haunted look in her eyes
this image will forever be burned in his mind until the day he dies.
together they've lasted, pushed through it all
been there to help eachother, pick eachother up from the painful fall.
they can take no more, they've reached the final round, rung that last bell
together they pull the trigger, and finally escape their prison of hell.

This was about my ex, who broke up with me 3 days before i left for my Navy command in Spain...4 days away from being together a year.

Drowning in Death

Here we are sitting in the quiet night
I look at you under the soft moonlight.
Teardrops slowly fall from your beautiful eyes
And the sight of them makes me wanna die.
I know there were things that got in our way
There were times we hurt each other with what we had to say.
But I’m here now to say that everything will be okay
All our pain will someday go away.
We hug in a tight loving embrace
But then I see the look on your angelic face.
And realize that through your hope and love the pain is still there
So I wrap my arms tighter around you to show I still truly care.
I kiss your tears away and hold you close for a while
When I look at you again your frown turns into a smile.
As I pull you in for a loving kiss
Your face turns red, something I’ve come to miss.
Suddenly I’m alone, and when I look around you’re gone
I sit up in bed, heart racing and eyes blurry, it’s almost dawn.
From my eyes flows a new steady stream
As I realize that once again, it was only a sad dream.
Sobs rack my broken body, for you’re still not with me
I question your motives, is this really how it had to be?
Were you really that unhappy, was it really that bad
Couldn’t you instead focus on the special love that we had?
You’ll never know how bad you hurt me, you changed my very life
You can’t see what I’m trying to tell you, that I can’t put up with this strife.
You might as well be squeezing the trigger, or pulling the blade
Just accept it now, this is the decision that I have made.
I told you what would happen if I ever lost you, but you didn’t believe me
So now because of you there’s a dead body floating out at sea.
You didn’t wanna talk or listen to me, and now your old lover is dead
I hope you never forget what you did and the guilt never leaves your head.
When you start getting sad again, there’s something I want you to know
YOU did this and caused this shit, YOU’RE the one who let ME go.
And if you decide to visit my gravesite, remember this hun
I still won’t forgive you for all the shit you’ve done.
Because even in death I remember the hurt and the stabbing pain
I remember the feeling of being rejected and left alone in the freezing rain.
So go ahead and try to get rid of the guilt, the regret, the sorrow
But it's still going to be there when you wake up tomorrow.
You should’ve been honest, but instead you lied
And now you’re the reason that I committed suicide.
Go now with this knowledge, and live your sad life day by day
I’ve shared my heart, there’s nothing left for me to say.
I finally understand that the pain and hurt will never cease
And now because of you i lay under a stone that says “Rest In Peace”.

If you would like to read poems I have previously written based on my hurts or those directly effecting my life
Please enjoy reading the following poems I have written and posted:

Just Past Death ( death of my children)
D.M.(death of the bestest bud)
Poet with A Heart (a psycho that tried to steal love)
S.O.S. ( A Sucide Survival)
3095 ( holding a heart that wanted to but couldn't love back)
Sweet Dreams ( death of a family member)
Disquise (RIP) ( a mixture of my hurts and someone elses that effected my life)
Whatever it takes ( a mix based loosely on one of my past stalkers)
Aches (concerning a past life)
111 ( when life falls apart)
3003 ( broken heart )
Love/ Hate ( back stabbers)
Letter Unwritten: (another concerning back stabbers)

(hope I labeled them write , there has just been so many don't know where to begin )
pick a hurt it probably has effected my life in one way or another I will try and write about it , I need some new ideas anyway )

Carpe Diem
Up until very recently my whole life has been one whirlwind after another I am ready to stop letting the past get me down, and make up for the lost moments I am ready to find all the happiness that life has to offer me, I have been through so many ups and downs to include watching my sons and close bud pass away. Watching as my siblings ,parents and best love hanged on to life with only a prayer and pulled through. All the other stuff hurts; but seems just like layers on the cake of life .It seemed in the past when I got to the flame uptop it was ready to knock me back into hell now I find that I have reached it so many times its not that bad and I am reaching for the stars. Soon I will grab a hold of one as I am already starting to feel what heaven is like again in my new life I am embracing.

[font=Courier New][size=2]
                  < concrete >

              at this moment
              a condominium on the 23rd floor
              one with a balcony
              is NOT the place
              i should be

              you see
              there is a sliding glass door to the balcony
              and you open it and walk six feet
              to the railing which is three feet high
              and look down
              23 floors
              to
              pavement
              concrete with gravel
              that gives it
              a little texture
              makes it
              seem hospitable
              but
              from 23 floors up
              it
              is just as hard
              as life

                     - - -

Bonfire of the Tragedies

Flipping through this comic book,  
I remember how badly I wanted to be a superhero
I could have stopped him from beating my mom
and beating me.
Or at least been able to shrug it all off and say to him  
“Hitting us doesn’t make you strong.”
 
There was a long silence
He took a swig of his beer
And threw the comic book into the bonfire
I didn’t know what to say to him
I couldn’t relate
My dad was never around to hit me  

Up In Smoke

No, not yet
Its too soon for you to die old man
Even though you've earned it
 
Smoking Lucky Strikes by the pack
No filter between you and your sweet tobacco
Burning away your days
Inhaling smoke and ember
Scrawling wrinkles on your face
 
Cancer's come a-calling
But I'm the one that's wallowing in a sorrow
Only Jack Daniels knows how to handle
 
A candle's worth of light
Upon this desk tonight
As I spill out words and booze-soaked breath
To take the edge off my regrets when it comes to you,
The Father that I never knew  
 
23 years without  
And when you came around
I had no idea what to do with your presence
So just like all my other problems I let you hover
Sit there, until I had an impulse of something other
To do with you than to spit the curses of my ignorance
 
Sparing you a glance every now and then
A chance conversation  
Scraping details off the surface of this relationship
If you can call it that  
I don't know if I would bother
 
But for having never met
We held so much in common
Talents
Humor
Apprehension of higher powers
Facial structure, a given
And this separate life that I am living
Makes me sigh a heavy, booze-soaked breath of relief
 
What will there be left for me to reap when you are gone?
An empty bag full of questions?
Shrinking footsteps I wished to stand in?
The one-sided story of a good but injured woman
left alone to raise a son, stamping out an impression?
 
A handful of correspondences
Emails
Phone calls
Car rides to all-you-can-eat buffets
Short walks under the shining Florida sun  
In St. Augustine near a fortress by the bay
Cheering on a sports team
I adopted because they...
seemed to make you happy  
 
But that's not good enough for me.
 
Your loss, I'm afraid,
Will mean more to me once its real
And there is no cache of information
Pertaining to the blood, sweat, and vocations  
Of the variables
That siphoned into me  
 
But we don't have that type of openness to heal
And we don't ask questions, maybe, the way we should
And we aren't close enough to reach
To touch each other's lives in the way, that probably, we would
If it didn't take this Jack Daniels to make me feel like a son
And cancer for you to feel like you missed out on being a Dad

Night

I was sober.
I was naive.
I pretended
it was okay.
 
You walked me back
to my room,
a gesture I was  
unfamiliar with.
I blushed under the
moonlit sky,
oh how I wanted  
to hold your hand.
 
I wanted to sleep,
but you would not allow.
I wanted you to leave,
but you forced your way in.
I obliged.
 
Glasses forgotten on
my desk, I couldn't
see a thing.
I left the door open,
remembering
what my parents
had taught me,
so many years ago.
It didn't stop you.
 
You pulled me onto my bed,
dragged me on top of you.
I laid, terrified on my bed,
while you found a condom.
Luck found one in my
drawer from a prank gift.
I thought we would sleep.
You had other plans.
 
Wrenching apart my legs
you removed my pants.
Almost blind, my face revealed  
the horror I felt inside.
You didn't care.
 
Bracing myself for what
was to come, I closed my eyes.
Maybe if I didn't see it,
it would go away;
you would go away.
Five minutes passed,
I was numb.
 
When you were finished,
you passed out next to me.
I moved to the floor
and silently cried
for what I had lost.  
 
I hid my pain,
thinking I deserved it.
I told them it was okay.
I told them it was
consensual.
Truthfully,
I still hadn't even  
had my first kiss.
I guess, I just wasn't
important enough.

I'm not sure of my excuses
when I had woke up vomiting blood
each step a question of whether I could make the next
tears weren't present
and the thought of having a morning cigarette
didn't cross my mind.

Surprised I made it out of bed
to use the restroom, making my way back
I felt my mind solidify and crumble
all within a couple of seconds
and getting dressed that morning
was more difficult than you'd think.

I'm surprised the couch could hold such a twitch
as I lay my ears rang tunes that I didn't recognize
or appreciate it any manner
making my head capture the ringing and expel it towards the other side
and that morning, last night seemed
far too far away.

Attempting to call several people
because authorities were never an option
"Drink lots of water, I'll be there shortly"
was my final answer
but their car didn't beat the ambulance
that shot down our little street.

Used

She acts all innocent
She cries and cries until you listen
You try to make her feel better
But you end up worst
She is only using you
Don't be like me, don't be used

She thinks her life is perfect
But your not in it
She only takes your heart
And rips it apart
She is only using you
Don't be like me, don't be used

She will use you for now
And take your heart out
You think everything is fine
But it is all a lie
She is only using you
Don't be like me, don't be used