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Tell me your pain

Vamps
Vamps
Thought Provoker
United Kingdom
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Joined 8th Dec 2016
Forum Posts: 62

The Searcher

Half of me died
A long time ago
Struck through the heart
Left broken in pieces
 
Trying to find those
lost parts of me
A searcher, alone
in the darkness
 
So living with fifty percent missing
Attempting to join in with the games
 
And failing, badly
 
Really trying to hold on to
The parts of me that are left
Holding on tight to
What I am
 
And maybe, all I have is ugliness
Bitter and contorted with a hollow
Perception
 
There have been times where
I've begun to find those lost parts
Seeing the world with insight and
Saying to myself that
"Everything matters"
 
Only for them to start to
peel away leaving a trail of myself
Before heading back on that
Lonesome road, a nomad
 
An inability to love myself or
To find another to love or
To be emotionally self sufficient
Enough to be reliable
 
Staying in a place for too long
Facing up to myself in repetition
My hideousness reflecting back  
 
Breaking away and being alone has
Been my crutch, not wanting to face
Myself amid faces too familiar
 
Discontentment with reality leaves me an ever searcher, finding what could be, flushed with false hopes, and losing it all once more
 
And so it repeats
 
I lost hope in family
At the age of fifteen
 
Torn and ripped, bent, twisted and forgotten, in a mess
alone in the dirt
 
Shattered, broken and in despair
Dire, down and out
 
Thrown away like an unwanted damaged gift, spoiled with parts and pieces missing
A rejection
 
I want to leave again
The feeling to walk on the road
It's come again
And so I shall
 
This time to be with people
Like minded people
In the north
To be and to walk with
My own kind
 
Searching together
Forever, searchers.
 
Written by Vamps
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Vamps
Vamps
Thought Provoker
United Kingdom
3awards   profile   poems   message
Joined 8th Dec 2016
Forum Posts: 62

Quote:  I Don't Think
It's About Finding
Who You Are
I Think It's About
Finding a Place Where
You Can Be
Who You Are

kathyrivers
kathyrivers
Kathy Rivers
Twisted Dreamer
United States
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Joined 23rd Jan 2020
Forum Posts: 23

JOY said:Opps, Uploaded poem twice, sorry my error
no problem :)

ShaleeSue
ShaleeSue
Shalee
Strange Creature
United States
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Joined 15th Feb 2020
Forum Posts: 2

Cold Eyes

ďIím so sick of being attached to people who obviously donít give a fuck about meĒ


But you didnít bother to correct me Cold Eyes choking me by the smoke of your cigarette that i pretend i donít mind
 

And then i was gone in the labyrinth of my ribcage
chewing on the bars ripping out innards ravenous abandonment
rejection throwing haphazard bones onto your living room floor
The child i was feraled from her dwelling
A heathen cured in bile the parasite leaching her way into control
Retching all the way up my throat to the bar lights deadlights


And then we were back sans esophagus

 


The cigarette she bummed scorpioned my lungs
And i pretend i donít mind and Cold Eyes says ó
Written by ShaleeSue (Shalee)
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FoolCard
FoolCard
Lost Thinker
United States
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Joined 27th Nov 2017
Forum Posts: 19

[ Future Stand ]

To feel the grains of sand fall and
watch the twisted snakes around my ankles crawl.
Surface of diamond glass,
window of memories come to pass.

Flashes of red and blue, cosmic speck,
sand rushes up my neck.
Beaten black and blue,
these bruises are trademarks you never knew.

The pressure of all this dread,
killing me, shred by shred.
Hearing all these hollow voices,
reflection, buried by my foolish choices.
Written by FoolCard
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Silverotter65
Silverotter65
Drew1103
Strange Creature
United Kingdom
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Joined 13th Feb 2020
Forum Posts: 2

Fuck!

They tell me I'm to blame for all the ills that befall us all!!!
This deep inner rage, that in silence, shred's every part of me,
A bleeding heart full of anger,
This inner drumming in my brain is slowly driving me insane,
YET! Do I have to be me? Whatever that would ever likely to be?
Put on a show be brave! Big boys don't cry! And all that crap,
Yet! Each sound of my heartbeat attempts,
To hold it back, the floodgates of tears in case I should,
But no!
It's not to be!
Because I am just me!
So what! The tears that come,
So what! My face is obscured,
So what! I have nothing to give,
But yet through all of this I live.
The purpose I have?
No answer to give,
This soul keeps on ticking,
Or is it? Just mimicking,
A life that was or is,
A man that lives,
without a cause to give.

Drew Balfour © 15/02/20

Written by Silverotter65 (Drew1103)
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Vamps
Vamps
Thought Provoker
United Kingdom
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Joined 8th Dec 2016
Forum Posts: 62

If i were there

If I were sitting
Amongst forests
Misted and mosses
Wearing my skin
And my soul
 
Sitting in stillness'
Call of
First beliefs
Hearing and heard
Seeing and sighted
By truth in green of
Every shade
 
If that were me
Nested near and
Telling to no man
Only a listener of
Honesty in
Realness and tree bark
 
Me and meanderings
River and rock
Walled only by clear
And crystal roar
Curtained quenching
Poured into my
Inner moment
 
If that were me
I would rejoice
And dance a
Spirited and celebratory
Scene
Feather wearing and
Clay clad in
Reds and earthy
Wholeness
 
I would sing to
Myself and say
An ever joyful song
Repeating and
Believing in all
That held before
And beneath me
 
But
I am not there
I am here
 
Concrete beneath
My feet
Walls of blocked
Seclusion
Barred and bound by
Glass and plastic
 
I am here
Looking to tarmac
Bitumen built
Roads viewed and
Reviewed by my
Incompleteness
 
Perpetual in it's pain
Heart and mind
Hindered and held by
Sky lined lengths of
Elongated and hanging
Wire
 
I am here with
Metallic monsters
Deviant drones warring
There way through torrents
Of impervious pressure
Tunnelling crazed and
Deprivation of
Souls need
 
Here I am
False lit in
Fake and frayed
Sewn by less fortunate
Lowly low dollar
Earned and deserved of
Being born in any other place
 
I'm here and
More fortunate
Than most they say
But deleted from
Realness
An imposter of
And playing lead role in
My own pathetic plasticity
 
Looking for signs of
And a searcher with
Lost eyed luminescence  
Playing at lives through
Receptive ever trained
From birth
 
I am here hung out to dry
Grey and ghostly
Gaunt and felt never
By anything other than
Baroness
Doubting and forever
Doubtful lost and losing
 
Nowhere to run with
Sight or created belief in
A ShangriLa
Hurt and in all hurting
Haunted by shrink wrap
Clad and suffocating
A desert of nothingness
And everythingness
 
Told from birth and
Told this is me
Here and
Forever hinged to
 
And the other
A myth.
Written by Vamps
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Quote:  A savage is not the one who
Lives in the forest, but
The one who destroys it.

wallyroo92
wallyroo92
Dangerous Mind
United States
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Joined 11th July 2012
Forum Posts: 988

Tragedy Strikes

I once saw the entrails of a man splattered on the street,
Lifeless bodies,
The poor,
The scared,
It was a terrifying thing in those days,
Now itís becoming common again.

Iíve heard bullets whiz by,
And from time to time Iíll dream about them,
Thinking of faces burned,
Bodies piled up on pickup trucks,
Some to hospitals and other to morgues,
Women crying,
Screaming,
While others stand by watching.

But in the land of the free,
Where everything is supposed to beÖ
Safe and sound,
The echo of war has come close to home,
The spirit of hate is filling the hearts of men.

The nightmare comes to life,
When ďthis just inĒ plays on the screen,
As tragedy strikesÖ
Written by wallyroo92
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PittinixDesigns
PittinixDesigns
Twisted Dreamer
Jamaica
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Joined 8th Feb 2020
Forum Posts: 3

Man in the Dark (A Mind Full of Thoughts)

Inspired by Antonette

At the beginning of sunset, I sit on top of the parapet
struggling to ignore a mind full of thoughts.
The memory of a special loved one from the distant past
Still haunts my head perplexingly.
I peer through the dimness of dusk hopelessly,
Yet I canít rule out the possibility that Iíll see her before long.

Although Iím not preparing for bad news at this time,
I donít fear what the future will bring.
Electric lights adorn the nearby mountainous region
providing me with a spectacular view.
Iím disturbed, pensive, drowning in deep meditation.
I donít feel like talking to anybody indefinitely.

A tear-jerking music is playing on the mp3 player
while Iím ingesting a cold non-alcoholic beverage.
Various thoughts keep flowing through my confused mind.
Itís a lonely but fascinating hour, I must add.
Sadly, Iím here in the absence of a mate once again.
I occasionally experience regret and a spell of anxiety.

Something about the darkness consoles me in an unusual way.
Iím reserved and unheard as the silence of the night.
You could easily understand why a friend of mine called me,
ĎMan in the dark.í
However unthoughtful her comment might have seemed,
I had to accept it with a grin.

This bittersweet outcome isnít really what I intended,
My pleasant but painful mental picture of her refuses to fade.
Nevertheless, Iíll have to make do with this strange routine.
Regrettably, at the beginning of tomorrowís twilight
Iíll go back on the balcony and begin my endless journey
through a mind full of thoughts.
Written by PittinixDesigns
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spdred
spdred
spidey
Lost Thinker
Indonesia
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Joined 14th Nov 2017
Forum Posts: 4

the actress

i am
a sweet breeze singing,
wind chimes swinging,
and every beautiful
end to a day.

i am
rivers rushing,
sunlight sweeping,
and every kind thing
you could say.

i am
loved and loving,
cared for, caring;
glad as any bird
in a cage.

cold as a gale blows
through my bones;
happy. in every
possible way.

proper, polished,
always honest,
perfect, pleasing,
on display.

almost always
almost cracking--
no. i do not lose
today.

i am,

(i must be)

a sweet breeze singing,
windchimes swinging,
rivers rushing,
sunlight sweeping,
loved and loving,
cared for, caring;

...not my game,
but i must play.
Written by spdred (spidey)
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as for the quote...
"Being a good girl means suppressing a lot."
-Jennifer Jayson Leigh
:)

Orc_Pirate_68
Orc_Pirate_68
Sabrina Kirk-Caldwell
Thought Provoker
United States
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Joined 29th June 2018
Forum Posts: 253

Situational Depression (So Many Things Going on Right Now)

Deep is the mind,
Like the ocean you'll find,
But sometimes it's deeper than one thought,
Deep, dark, and cold, and fear fraught,
And what we access on a daily basis,
Is only the surface, we access.
We are like icebergs, floating on the surface of the Arctic Ocean,
We can only see the top layer of the psyche, just a fraction,
With the layers underneath, hidden, afraid to reach them,
Until finally confronted with them,
And not sure how to handle them.

Deep within the soul, lies a warrior,
Awaiting battle, hidden behind the exterior,
Away from the world, until the time comes to fight,
For what is right,
The right to be free,
To be who one needs to be.
My warrior is dressed in a suit of blue women's armor,
With the sword and shield of Mars, with freedom, ready to deliver.
He sat upon his ram, Aries, long locks tried back, ready to charge,
And of this life, take charge,
To bring courage, and liberation of the binary,
And freedom from the ordinary.

He waited until his world was ready,
As his battlefield was prepped, but he was and is afraid of being another casualty,
Another statistic,
Of hate crime, pessimistic.
And right now, my warrior is dead upon this battlefield,
Awaiting the chance to go and respawn upon another battlefield,
He has so much more to fight for,
And where I am, I can't even bring those things up, for they'd find these topics obscure,
And wouldn't even listen to me,
Just wanting to be free
To be me.

I am scared,
That for whom I have cared,
Will end up dead in my care,
And I would not have been able to to anything abut it there.
I know you watch with hungry eyes, Death,
Wishing to stop her last breath,
Hiding around the corner,
To prey on my grandmother.
If it is her time to go, then so be it,
Just please, not while I'm here, I don't want to feel guilt as if I could have stopped it.
Gods above, please let me leave soon,
Please let circumstances happen, where I can go home soon
...And stay home,
Help get her into assisted living or a nursing home.

I am afraid,
Afraid she won't soon enough get an aid,
And that my situational depression will be too much,
That I will continue to not feel like eating much,
And keep getting up in the morning to help her, and therefore sleep too little,
That I will keep getting weak, and eventually brittle,
That I will soon not be able to help her with daily things in her home.

And I am also afraid of when I come home,
As I get my life together,
And I come together
With my family,
My ever after, won't end so happily.
I am afraid if I continue with my plan,
And I come out as a gender non-conforming man,
I won't be believed or understood,
That they won't see any signs of manhood,
And will continue to ask questions about every little detail
Until I go back to my invisible jail,
Saying "fine, I'm a woman"
That I'm not a man.
So far, only my mother and my brother know about my gender,
Because I live with them, and know they accept me no matter what I feel is my gender.

I fear that when I end up living on my own,
My family will insist I have a roommate, but because I want to live on my own,
That I might insist on it,
And if I do, that will be it,
That will be the moment that would make them say "If only I had not given in",
Because that's always the turning point in true crime shows,
That forshadows
The grown child's murder,
For they had no one there to get between them and the monster.

My life is not ruled by fear,
It's just been made worse here,
I want to cry,
I have no motivation to do anything I don't have to, or even to try,
Everything she watches on TV is negative,
All the marital problems and crying, hard it is, taking care of an aging relative.
I am so homesick,
My stomach feels sick
From low appetite, from my anxiety and situational depression,
I wish to go home and creatively show off a happy expression,
Paint, draw, sew, sing, dance, craft, build, play games, garden, cook, etc,
(But I will say just one more fear extra,
The Arctic Ocean,
Deep, dark, and shock inducing cold, so many creature's that live in that ocean,
We really have no idea what all lives in that ocean.
...And if I were ever to go though that water,
I would make sure to stay on that boat or submarine, no one will never get me directly in that water.)
Written by Orc_Pirate_68 (Sabrina Kirk-Caldwell)
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Orc_Pirate_68
Orc_Pirate_68
Sabrina Kirk-Caldwell
Thought Provoker
United States
4awards   profile   poems   message
Joined 29th June 2018
Forum Posts: 253

Situational Depression (So Many Things Going on Right Now)

Deep is the mind,
Like the ocean you'll find,
But sometimes it's deeper than one thought,
Deep, dark, and cold, and fear fraught,
And what we access on a daily basis,
Is only the surface, we access.
We are like icebergs, floating on the surface of the Arctic Ocean,
We can only see the top layer of the psyche, just a fraction,
With the layers underneath, hidden, afraid to reach them,
Until finally confronted with them,
And not sure how to handle them.

Deep within the soul, lies a warrior,
Awaiting battle, hidden behind the exterior,
Away from the world, until the time comes to fight,
For what is right,
The right to be free,
To be who one needs to be.
My warrior is dressed in a suit of blue women's armor,
With the sword and shield of Mars, with freedom, ready to deliver.
He sat upon his ram, Aries, long locks tried back, ready to charge,
And of this life, take charge,
To bring courage, and liberation of the binary,
And freedom from the ordinary.

He waited until his world was ready,
As his battlefield was prepped, but he was and is afraid of being another casualty,
Another statistic,
Of hate crime, pessimistic.
And right now, my warrior is dead upon this battlefield,
Awaiting the chance to go and respawn upon another battlefield,
He has so much more to fight for,
And where I am, I can't even bring those things up, for they'd find these topics obscure,
And wouldn't even listen to me,
Just wanting to be free
To be me.

I am scared,
That for whom I have cared,
Will end up dead in my care,
And I would not have been able to to anything abut it there.
I know you watch with hungry eyes, Death,
Wishing to stop her last breath,
Hiding around the corner,
To prey on my grandmother.
If it is her time to go, then so be it,
Just please, not while I'm here, I don't want to feel guilt as if I could have stopped it.
Gods above, please let me leave soon,
Please let circumstances happen, where I can go home soon
...And stay home,
Help get her into assisted living or a nursing home.

I am afraid,
Afraid she won't soon enough get an aid,
And that my situational depression will be too much,
That I will continue to not feel like eating much,
And keep getting up in the morning to help her, and therefore sleep too little,
That I will keep getting weak, and eventually brittle,
That I will soon not be able to help her with daily things in her home.

And I am also afraid of when I come home,
As I get my life together,
And I come together
With my family,
My ever after, won't end so happily.
I am afraid if I continue with my plan,
And I come out as a gender non-conforming man,
I won't be believed or understood,
That they won't see any signs of manhood,
And will continue to ask questions about every little detail
Until I go back to my invisible jail,
Saying "fine, I'm a woman"
That I'm not a man.
So far, only my mother and my brother know about my gender,
Because I live with them, and know they accept me no matter what I feel is my gender.

I fear that when I end up living on my own,
My family will insist I have a roommate, but because I want to live on my own,
That I might insist on it,
And if I do, that will be it,
That will be the moment that would make them say "If only I had not given in",
Because that's always the turning point in true crime shows,
That forshadows
The grown child's murder,
For they had no one there to get between them and the monster.

My life is not ruled by fear,
It's just been made worse here,
I want to cry,
I have no motivation to do anything I don't have to, or even to try,
Everything she watches on TV is negative,
All the marital problems and crying, hard it is, taking care of an aging relative.
I am so homesick,
My stomach feels sick
From low appetite, from my anxiety and situational depression,
I wish to go home and creatively show off a happy expression,
Paint, draw, sew, sing, dance, craft, build, play games, garden, cook, etc,
(But I will say just one more fear extra,
The Arctic Ocean,
Deep, dark, and shock inducing cold, so many creature's that live in that ocean,
We really have no idea what all lives in that ocean.
...And if I were ever to go though that water,
I would make sure to stay on that boat or submarine, no one will never get me directly in that water.)
Written by Orc_Pirate_68 (Sabrina Kirk-Caldwell)
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Orc_Pirate_68 said:

"Yesterday I was happy because you were with me. Yesterday I was smiling, today I am crying. Yesterday I was loving, because you were laughing. Yesterday I was hoping, today I am enduring. Yesterday was all good, because you understood. Yesterday life seemed fair, today...I am frozen and broken beyond repair." -Unknown (If anyone knows who wrote this, please let me know so I can give credit.)

LunasChild8
LunasChild8
Dangerous Mind
Canada
17awards   profile   poems   message
Joined 27th Dec 2017
Forum Posts: 469

Things I'll Never Say

I
Her soul was once a radiant fire
But now nearly all her flames have turned to ember
Her head-strong approach was something Iíve always admired
Yet now it seems like she has surrenderedÖ
To despair and anxiety after five gruesome years
I watch on helplessly as I donít know what to do
How can I assure her that thereís nothing to fear?
Whenever she asks me what our future holds, I havenít got a clue
There are moments where I see determination in her worn eyes
But those days are rarer and rarer
Many days all I want to do is cry
We wouldnít be in this situation if life had been fairer
All her life has been one struggle after another
But she managed to push on by working like heck
I love her so, oh my poor, dear mother
I fear that Iíll be the cause of her premature death.

II
Emptiness inside
I didnít want to believe
That this is the final goodbye
Between you and me
I miss you Leo
Why did you have to go?
You, mom and I were the Golden Trio
Yet your life was cut short like one would blowÖ
Out a candle to extinguish its flames
Yet you, my dear cat, were hit by a car
That heart-stopping text from dad engulfed me in rage
And those unbelievable words had sown onto my heart a scar
Sometimes I dream of you, and Iím so happy
Only to wake up to reality, and I burst into tears
These last 10 months without you have been utterly crappy
Your affectionate personality filled our lives with cheer
Emptiness inside
Iíve now come to terms
That this is the final goodbye
The lack of a pulse and your immobile chest were enough to confirm.

III
I know I havenít been the most worshipping of Christians
Only recently have I come to terms with my spirituality
Honestly, I thought that your existence was pure fiction
Yet my life experience led me to believe that your existence could be a reality
After all, you saved my mother when she was in deathís clutches
You have made it possible for me to accomplish my dream
Whenever I was done, you have been my pair of crutches
So please help me now, or Iíll burst out and scream
Iíve made a terrible choice, that shouldnít have been so if life were different
I went all in instead of fully analyzing and opting for the safer path
I know that my face is often blank, making people think that Iím indifferent
When really, itís my only way of protecting myself from attack
I didnít sign up to pay this terrible price
This never would have happened had the opportunity exited back home
I had no one at the time to give me much needed advice
I feel like Iíve screwed up just as badly as the fall of Rome
So, God, Forces of the universe, my Guardian Angel
Please help my bearer and I to make it out of this shitstorm
This experience has left me rather gainfulÖ
In what I should and shouldnít do; Iím now informed
But I swear that Iíll bring us to the light at the end of the tunnel; no matter how painful.
Written by LunasChild8
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Quote: "Some would want to be like the Sun that brightens up every day - I prefer to be the Moon that brings you light in your darkest nightĒ- Sailor Moon

cloventongue89
cloventongue89
Nathaniel Peter
Thought Provoker
United States
18awards   profile   poems   message
Joined 18th Sep 2017
Forum Posts: 435

I'll Save A Dance For You

Thinking of you
These thoughts that occupy my mind
Trying to focus
Even the sunrise is darkness
When sight is faith blind
 
First night back
It was all I could do
To keep my emotions to myself at work
When all I can do is think of you
 
It feels like fire, invisible blades
Words pour from my lips like a scar
Slinging the blood of poetry therapy
Beyond console, wishing I was where you are
 
I am a bleeding heart
Weeping in the rain
Storms circling
My tears perspire
But fail to relinquish the pain
 
In this struggle between
Honesty's lie and true faith I speak
Humbling the pride of my boasting emotion
 
Learning to trust in something unseen
When everything is bleak
And hope feels like swimming an ocean
 
Thoughts of you stuck on repeat
As I remember our last day
Leaving your bedside
And feeling guilty for leaving you that way
 
Just responsive enough to open your eyes
As my brothers and I said our goodbyes
 
I asked you to get better for us
And said I'd tell my wife that you said hi
As I broke upon departure
And I couldn't help but cry
 
All the thoughts that fly through my head
All things I wish I could have said
Fatalistic it seems in my mentality
Warfare between this world and a more beautiful reality
 
Thanking God for the days prior
Contending for the future unset
You are more than just a memory
Because you are not dead yet
 
Renovations of newly weds
Homemakers of inland tides
My step dad prepares a place for you
Praying in time is where your life resides
 
You've still got a home to build
To reap the reward
For all the heartache of former things
This is all you worked toward
 
Finish the house I said to him
As we go about with expectancy
That this is not the end
When everyday feels like a waiting room
Locked outside of your recovery
 
You've still got a wedding to attend
As we ceremony our renewed vows at the altar with our family and friends
Celebrating lovers as we live our lives
Promise me this is not where the story ends
 
Reception reminiscing for plans
To make another memory with you
Scheduling our designated moment to dance
Give me away, it's not my turn yet
Caught up in a son and mother romance
Despite every trial that we've been through
We have nothing to regret
 
I'll save a place for you
Making a reservation for our time slot
There's a place in my heart only for you
And no one will ever take your spot...
Written by cloventongue89 (Nathaniel Peter)
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cloventongue89
cloventongue89
Nathaniel Peter
Thought Provoker
United States
18awards   profile   poems   message
Joined 18th Sep 2017
Forum Posts: 435

Outside The ICU

 
Did I cherish you enough
When you were a phone call away
Caught up in my own life
I love you and there is nothing left to say

On the other side of silence
I long to hear your voice once more
I won't give up on hope
Contending with gravity, faith is a fight
And you're worth fighting for

Doing all I can to outlast this pain
Depression, anxiety, and stress
Heartache amidst routine
For all the things I can control
On the inside I'm a mess

Fractures in my heart
I suffer for you
Our bond strained
Miles away
You bleed
And I am blood stained

Another prayer for every letter I never wrote
Forwarded care of heaven, silent screams
Whispers have a way of still burning my throat
I'll see you when you awaken
Till then I'll meet you in my dreams

Another picture taken
I'll scrap book my heart for you
This is what I did while you were sleeping
Outside the ICU
Keeping a journal for you to read when I see you

I'll write you a picture of the sky
To tell you that the sun's still shinning
As I unearth these endearments
Negatives developing hope from inner gold mining

Priceless sentiments given
Value relative to you
Placing bids of time
There's never enough to match your worth
Bedside horizon the dawn has nothing on the view
When you're a secret wonder in this earth

Remembering the color of the rainbow in your eyes
Like God's promise that this storm ends
When the thunder boasts with rain clouds full of lies
We stand together, the anthem intercession of family and friends

Calling you, a vacant ring
Voicemail messages saved just to hear your voice again
I'm on the other side of silence
Promise me this is not where the story ends...
Written by cloventongue89 (Nathaniel Peter)
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