New Years Funnies

Dear God,
 
To you I pray.  This coming year, please send true love my way.  
 
My expectations are few from what I ask of you. She needn't be pretty, or sexy, nor culinary nifty.
 
She doesn't need to be an intellect like a doctor, lawyer or poet. As far as her temperament, I have no expectations, as I'm very tolerant.  I just ask that she be one thing; rich.  
 
Filthy Rich!
 
For I am tired of being a poor Son-of-a-Bitch!

Oh boy, another year is gone!
There’s more grays on my chin,
I’ve put on couple of pounds,
And there’s more wrinkles on my skin.

On New Year’s Eve I always take time reflect,
The good, the bad and the items left unchecked,
Asking myself again, where did the time go?
Making a new plan to make sure I won’t get wrecked.

So I look at my old goals left out in the cold,
And shit! I forgot to check many of them off,
Somewhere back there I got lazy and stalled,
As father time rolls by with a smile and a scoff.

Tonight I sit a bit nostalgic, pragmatic and ecstatic,
Thinking about how young and skinny I used to be,
Realistic that the years go into higher gear as they pass,
And my ass gets bigger because I’ve become carefree.

I gotta make sure I write my resolutions and objectives,
Work on the blueprint of the future I want to realize,
I gotta go into beast mode and reload with fuel,
So the fire will leave me inspired and energized.

This year it is my resolution.
To not resolute it just causes mind pollution.
Instead I'll just be honest with myself and my peeps.
I don't plan on changing and wordful resolutions come cheap.

To save my frustrations, my stress and my sanity,
I will not try to lose weight well that would just be in vanity.
I will eat eat eat to my heart's content.
Until there is an effortless diet that is free, I'm sure someone will invent.

Exercise, are you kidding well that's just hilarious,
I'd rather watch you, I'll just live vicarious.
in fact to be true, I'll probably just stay fat and be happy.
spending my time on things I like, because honestly exercise makes me tired and snappy.

Moving on with my new outlook on the New years,
why promise to quit anything it will only end in tears.
Quit drinking? Nah, I don't think that would be wise.
Then I just have to hide it and I'd start telling lies.

Hmmm Well let's see what have I resolved to quit in years past?
I guess it doesn't really matter it never didn't last.
Maybe I should have promised to  get some will power.
Because, I'm thinking that the lack of that is what cause my previous plans to go sour.

Though I did have the best of intention.
Stress and temptation and that darn lack of willpower didn't I mention.
While we're on this honest and truthful path,
I vow to be me now let's do the math....

A cheerful, chubby, slightly intoxicated, free thinker.
Open-minded and accepting won't just fall for society's crap hook line & sinker.
A woman with a peaceful soul and demeanor,
I admit with a few flaws I could be a little healthier, my house could be a little cleaner.

Would it be a better world for the masses,
If I starved myself, stop having a drink, or started going to exercise classes.
Or worse I could become a stressed-out mass of confusion,
because without the occasional drink, I might get a brain contusion.

I think we all know the answers to these deep, thought-provoking questions,
so I resolve that for this year I won't have a need to make long-winded confessions.
I'm making no promises to myself, I will keep no secrets locked up in vaults.
I will stay this same damaged,messed up, but honest girl full of faults.