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Cafe Critique 2 Limericks

David_Macleod
David_Macleod
David Macleod
Tyrant of Words
United Kingdom
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Poetry Contest

Write 2 Limericks
Write 2 Limericks

1. Traditional and humorous
2. Non-traditional Dark, morbid or sad

No rules, post as many as you like
Three weeks
Most of all - HAVE FUN

LIMERICKS

Limericks poems are five lines long which is a 5 line stand-alone poem.

The rhyming structure is

AABBA

The meter must follow the pattern:

Tra da | tra da | tra | da
Tra da | tra da | tra | da
Tra da | tra da
Tra da | tra da
Tra da | tra da | tra | da

Lines 1, 2 and 5 are the same, and 3 and 4 are the same

Here are some examples:

It doesn't | surprise me | at | all |                   (A)
The reasons | you're having | A | Ball |     (A)
You're so |very Drunk                                    (B)
Your dancing | to Punk                                       (B)
And soon | you will have | A | great fall           (A)

A Japanese woman | called | Wang
Who farted a lot | when | she sang
She farted | in tune
Like a classic | bassoon
And the concert | went with | a bang

A Dark One

I sliced off | her face | with a knife
Despite | the fact she | was my wife
She had | an affair
Like she didn't | care
And so | I ended | her life

For more information on limericks go to:

https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/groups/cafe-critique/discussion/1728/

David_Macleod
David_Macleod
David Macleod
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United Kingdom
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The Viking Limerick

There was a young Viking from Sweden
who thought his big nob was impeding
so he cut it in half
was unable to laugh
he just couldn't stop all that bleeding


Not a Comp entry

David_Macleod
David_Macleod
David Macleod
Tyrant of Words
United Kingdom
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The Elevation Limerick
   
The problem I had: Elevation
Causing me much aggravation
She said “Come up the stair”
“To bed if you dare!”
It just led to further frustration

I went out with a nurse on a luncheon
The metaphor used: jelly truncheon
She said “Oh you poor man”
“I’ll do what I can”
“To cure your erectile dysfunction”


The surgeon said I wasn’t ill
Not a mountain to climb, just a hill
This will work to perfection
To restore your erection
Pre-sex just take this blue pill

Despite his advice, I had doubt
I undressed whilst wearing a pout
She said so demure
Are you really sure
No I’m not cause it keeps falling out


It would help if my thing was more hollow
In frustration, I started to wallow
She said “stop your racket,
And show me the packet”
“Like me, your requested to swallow”

Took advice I found on my Kindle
And swallowed to prove not a swindle
She said “please don’t run,
We’re just having fun”
I pole-vaulted out of the window.

David_Macleod
David_Macleod
David Macleod
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United Kingdom
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Some examples

Embrace The Darkness (Limericks)

(i) Murder

I plunged the sharp knife right in
put body parts straight in the bin
on the bins collection
I got an erection
It's a shame that murder's a sin


(ii) Precision

I can't hide from the feelings inside
for months I've just cried and cried
a warm bath and razor
precise like a laser
in my bathtub is where I'll abide


(iii) Dead

You're a pervert is what she said
necrophilia is shagging the dead
but they're good to go
they never say no
I'll murder then fuck you instead


(iv) Killer

they called me a serial killer
named Atilla the eye socked driller
after torture and beating
cut body parts for eating
I kept them fresh in the chiller


(v) Cuts

Of self-cutting, I am truly devout
sharp blades I am never without
slicing cutting
considering gutting
to let all my evil get out


(vi) Whores

whores turn me completely berserk
tempting an innocent jerk  
I pretend to have bought her
she's a target for slaughter  
but I'm doing Gods' righteous work

(vii) Heartbreak  

if considering breaking my heart
be sure I will rip you apart
you once were my wife
you now feel the knife
and this my heart will restart


"Not a Competition Entry"

Jade-Pandora
Jade-Pandora
jade tiger
Tyrant of Words
United States
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Limericks: No Foul

   
   
I wake up early just to seize the day    
I take my friends along to show the way    
On mountaintops we’ll shout    
To spread the word about    
A new exciting rhyme that’s here to stay!    
   
It’s lim’ricks safe & sane, happy & clean    
G-rated “good” for pets & sans obscene    
They’re all the rage this year    
And fortified, I hear    
It’s all clear from the Towers to the Queen.    
   
The Lifers and the Lobbyists all pray,    
Reciting lines of humor will hold sway;    
To send their message clear    
Without insults to jeer    
As long as words are pasteurized to say.    
   
So now in future let us not delay    
In pubs & barbershops let ye make hay    
Without the strain and stress    
Forever may it bless    
I bet it keeps the cavities away!    
   
In closing is a final thought from me    
Of Lim’s newfound respectability
You’ll always get a laugh
Just separate the chaff
To keep the faith will always be the key.



 
Written by Jade-Pandora (jade tiger)
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Jade-Pandora
Jade-Pandora
jade tiger
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From Case Files Dark as Night

 

To start off with, po’et Paul Ruddy,    
Who wrote all his dark po’ems bloody:    
Took a penknife in hand    
And went straight for the gland—    
A curious writer to study.    
     
The next in my files, name of Bobby,    
He murdered his prose as a hobby:    
Slit each plot in the neck,    
Ev’ry one hit the deck,    
Never knew where he hid the body.    
     
I’ll skip to the writer Saul Biddy,    
Was born and had died in the city:    
Homicide he would write,    
Lots of killing in spite      
Was murdered himself, what a pity.    
     
Here’s a file I’d forgotten by chance,    
Milly Saber, Poetess of Dance:    
With her nose out of joint,      
She’d still do it on point,    
Rival lovers she’d neatly dispatch.    
     
Now, the file of a Bethany Hope,    
That her readers considered like dope:    
Overdosing on meth    
From the po’ems of Beth,    
They were fatally drawn to her trope.  
 
At last we have Bill nicknamed Foureyes,  
It’s his claim he wrote “Lord of the Flies”.  
 Local boys don’t come near,  
They know he smells their fear,  
And might end up his next Shepherd’s Pie.  
     
It’s time I go home for my dinner,  
I’m the only one the breadwinner.    
There’s leftover stir-fry,    
For a taste you would die    
The fate of a lottery winner.  
 
Written by Jade-Pandora (jade tiger)
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David_Macleod
David_Macleod
David Macleod
Tyrant of Words
United Kingdom
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Amazing entries both light and dark you rose magnificently to the challenge :-))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Josh
Josh
Tyrant of Words
Portugal
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Five Limericks (set-1)

Dysfunctional Laws
Increasingly laws of dysfunction
are lacking in common-sense gumption
and foisted all over
by tyranny’s gofers
muck-spreading distorted assumptions.
 
Panned
The poet was panned by the critics
their comments abstruse and enclitic
for those who have failed
what artists have nailed
leave legacies rank and mephitic
 
Climate Change Solution
When climates are veering climactic
solutions are always galactic:
co-operate now
with Nature’s know-how …
it’s always the best prophylactic.
 
IKEA Instructions
I traveled from home to IKEA
to buy all my new household gear
though all was flat-packed
t’was helped by the fact  
instructions were ever-so clear.
 
Singular Home
Our singular home’s Adamitic
so why the scream Anti-Semitic! ?
though guess it’s not odd
a partisan god
would spike a legitimate critic.

Written by Josh
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Ely
Ely
E.A.Rothwell
Dangerous Mind
Mexico
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not so White House...Limerick

 

The White House is in the pottage

Trump's ego they soothe with l'hommage…

So is it any wonder...
the U.S falls asunder

As he panders his base with frottage...
Written by Ely (E.A.Rothwell)
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Ely
Ely
E.A.Rothwell
Dangerous Mind
Mexico
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Bon Apetít ...Limerick

A bistro in old New Orleans...  
was well-known for its rice and red beans.
The patrons cut farts
well known in these parts
for blowing the seats off their jeans.
Written by Ely (E.A.Rothwell)
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David_Macleod
David_Macleod
David Macleod
Tyrant of Words
United Kingdom
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Joined 5th Nov 2014
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brilliant set Josh :-)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Ely
Ely
E.A.Rothwell
Dangerous Mind
Mexico
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Forum Posts: 283

Limerick... Caught in the Headlights Again

Egotistical twit we'll call Trump    
On T.V called the White House a dump.!        
At his best, silly ass
is possessed of no class.    
At his worst, makes twin moons with his rump.    
 
Written by Ely (E.A.Rothwell)
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Ely
Ely
E.A.Rothwell
Dangerous Mind
Mexico
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Forum Posts: 283

In-Humanity...Limerick

In some Humans there's nothing humane...
 
We're a species decidedly lame.
 
There are folks who think nothing
 
to profit off suffering
 
It's a wonder we don't die of SHAME!
Written by Ely (E.A.Rothwell)
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Ely
Ely
E.A.Rothwell
Dangerous Mind
Mexico
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Joined 20th May 2018
Forum Posts: 283

Don't Judge a Book by its Cover...Limerick

There once was a laddie named Charming
with demeanor distinctly disarming...
But the boy was a lout...
preferring to pout
and make faces that  
were quite alarming. *Jº
Written by Ely (E.A.Rothwell)
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David_Macleod
David_Macleod
David Macleod
Tyrant of Words
United Kingdom
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Joined 5th Nov 2014
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all excellent entries Ely - great stuff :-)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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