Poetry competition CLOSED 17th June 2019 12:07pm
WINNER
Commentonly
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Pompous Poet

poet
highlyfunctional
Fire of Insight
United States
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Joined 5th Jan 2017
Forum Posts: 49

Poetry Contest

Pen your best comeback

Sir Nigel Straightpipe is the most pompous of poets. Positively insufferable. He has thumbed his poetic nose at you. In your immutable style, write a SCATHING comeback.

Rules:
1. One entry per poet, one week only.

2. New poems only.

3. Style, style, style. Make your insults interesting and clever. Cursing is fine, but do it with style. Nigel will only admit defeat if he is clearly poetically outmatched...go forth and scathe!

Note: thanks to Ahavati for this contest concept


LIMP PEN; DRY WELL
By the esteemed
Sir Nigel Straightpipe, esq., Pompous Poet

Your rhymes leave me flaccid
Far too passive, massive wastes
of ink, really, devoid of feeling
Limp pen; dry well
No appeal, sexual or otherwise
Dry your eyes
Why?
  Why?
      Whiney

Ahem:
That girl once broke my heart
Now look what I’ve become
And he made me his tart
Put it straight into my (that’s a quatrain, ABAB, as if you’d know)

Honestly, I don’t know where
you buy your metaphors,
but you paid too much
Digging deep? Far too cheap.
Pentameter is for pussies.

Listen

Just because your fifth-grade
teacher gave you a feature
on the concrete wall near
a bathroom stall does not
mean you’re a poet...

This is a gentleman’s pleasure
(although I hear they’re letting in girls now)
words must be measured, weighed
but first they must be known—
How’s your vocabulary? Don’t call
the constabulary, it’s not a threat...

No, no, it’s a challenge.


************************************
To all participants, thank you, poets and poetesses. This was an incredibly difficult competition to judge. I needed a half dozen runner-ups. Commentonly blew me away with a working-class reply that stands up tall to Nigel’s elitist drivel. I hope you will join me in congratulating her. I am truly honored by her contribution.

HF


poet
Josh
Dangerous Mind
Portugal
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Joined 2nd Feb 2017
Forum Posts: 285

LORD SNODGRASS INFORMS

Lord Snodgrass wishes to inform
that Straightpipe fellow is such a bore
believes he can cause a stylish storm
with words he pretends count more

His knighthood is wearing rather thin
it barely reaches the bathroom door
where lights shine obsequiously dim
and lino covers the floor

Pretentious dickies can’t make a man
far less a poet to cause a furore
he’s hardly a third-grade also-ran
his grammar is worse than poor

Perhaps one day he will realise
in the poetry world, he’s just a whore -
no plaque for you, old chap, when you dies
of that you can rest assured.


poet
highlyfunctional
Fire of Insight
United States
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Joined 5th Jan 2017
Forum Posts: 49

LOVE IT! Well done Josh!

poet
blocat
Dangerous Mind
United Kingdom
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Joined 1st Nov 2012
Forum Posts: 219

Poetic Poke

You  read my poetry and now you sneer
At poetic principals that I hold most dear  
I see you aspire to be known as a wit
Nasty, sarcastic little shit
So, congratulations clever sage
A wit? You've only reached the halfway stage
Written by blocat
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poet
cabcool
Thought Provoker
Jamaica
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Joined 27th Feb 2014
Forum Posts: 113

nonintuitive fragments

Response to the esteemed
Sir Nigel Straightpipe, esq., Pompous Poet  
 

methinks the man has hit his head;  
no doubt, his poesy is dead—  
to phartz up words worn-out and done  
and think he rides the royal throne!        
 
his metaphors  
are aquifers        
that leak pale meaning;  
and his rhymes,  
in better times,  
were of the blind  
pre-nursery kind:  
unfit for weaning,  
with their cursory, brined  
enjambment  
of nonintuitive  
fragments.  
 
my mongrel dog  
has keener taste,  
e’en when there’s nothing  
left to chase;  
my cockatoo  
can thrill a crowd  
and win the face champs  
in a shroud.  
 
yet comes this twit  
without permit,  
to fondle words  
he can’t afford…  
 
© Copyright 2019 June 10
Written by cabcool
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poet
PsycoticMastermind
Thought Provoker
United States
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Joined 20th Mar 2015
Forum Posts: 163

Of Highly Dysfunctional Poets

  
 
Agreed
   
We are both handsome guys  
dashing in our suits and ties  
It's confusing sometimes  
I must admit  
   
When dressed to the Nines in tweed  
very often I am mistaken for  
Sir Nigel Straightpipe!  
   
that literary nose thumbing nitwit  

notable for using rhetorical rhymes  
in ridiculous typo riddled lengthy tripe  
only good for kitty litter box linings  
   
who nowadays is self employing  
shoddy framing devices to support  
his poorly erected cocksure pinings  
   
over his glory days as a one wonder hit      
sold in bargain bins of Barnes & Noble  
doing little more than sit in his office  
spinning a reputation supposedly global  
trying to take the piss from the latest poet  
busy writing real poetry to even notice
Written by PsycoticMastermind
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poet
MadameLavender
Guardian of Shadows
United States
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Joined 17th Feb 2013
Forum Posts: 4860

There’s Only One God, and It’s Not You



Legends live in their own minds,
narcissist, showing all the signs
of “worship me”, God of Verse—
ah, master dink of the universe.

Brooks Brother suit, Mensa pipe—
high price for facades of hype
for seeming the Gatsby of the pen,
typical of shallow men.

I’ll not need your approval rating
when inside, ‘tis only you, you’re hating.
Smugly, how you preen and fawn,
the poet whore of Babylon….


XOXO Madame Lavender

poet
highlyfunctional
Fire of Insight
United States
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Joined 5th Jan 2017
Forum Posts: 49

This is soooooo good Madame Lavender. Scathing!!! It is so funny to see that cute picture of you and your soft fuzzy cat and read this! Love it. Thanks for your post (guilty pleasure, no?) Cheers, HF

poet
MadameLavender
Guardian of Shadows
United States
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Joined 17th Feb 2013
Forum Posts: 4860

highlyfunctional said:This is soooooo good Madame Lavender. Scathing!!! It is so funny to see that cute picture of you and your soft fuzzy cat and read this! Love it. Thanks for your post (guilty pleasure, no?) Cheers, HF

Bronson dictated, I typed—Cat paws don’t work so well on keyboards...😁

poet
highlyfunctional
Fire of Insight
United States
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Joined 5th Jan 2017
Forum Posts: 49

Bronson...as in Charles?

poet
Miss_Sub
- Missy -
Tyrant of Words
United Kingdom
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Joined 26th June 2011
Forum Posts: 7566

Valkyrie Daughters

Move with them, stand true,  
remember left is as valuable  
as the right  

they never see it coming,  
they never do
 

.  
.  
.  
 
I remember  
his bare-knuckles  
spread out in thick stalks  
 
bloody—  
always bloody and pulsing  
with the rage of thousands.  
 
I was never meant  
to be a woman
 
truth be told he’d of traded me in  
for a set of shorts and a train set  
at the drop of a hat.  
 
I don’t blame him for the anger  
he had scorching his blood;  
it was how he was raised after all  
 
but he taught me to retaliate,  
to punch hard without warning  
because people need to know  
where they stand.  
 
Do I need a comeback?  
Hell to the fuck no  
 
because I never took my foot  
off the roaring pedal,  
the burning wheels  
screeching a battle cry  
to signal a fight  
 
and I know, of course I know  
what you think about me...  
but I’m still here  
studying shadows  
long into the night:  
 
move with them, stand true,  
remember left is as valuable  
as the right.
Written by Miss_Sub (- Missy -)
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poet
cold_fusion
Dangerous Mind
Australia
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Joined 14th June 2017
Forum Posts: 1907

Pure pleasure, said the ego


If Achilles was watching you
he'd be turning in his grave
spit poetry so askew
Sir you are so brave

emperor to self oh so kind
adorning birth suit oh so 'fine'
the world can't see the fabric?
it's the world that is fucking blind

no assonance no resonance
neither rhythm nor rhyme
catastrophe of sheer dissonance
your works of art are a crime

It was a pure pleasure sir
meeting you said my ego
doubt you'd ever made love to her
to the one am about to show






poet
David_Macleod
David Macleod
Guardian of Shadows
United Kingdom
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Joined 5th Nov 2014
Forum Posts: 1578

The Worst of the Worst

 
Members of a cabal
Their poem banal

Egotistical arrogant shites
Creating drama and fights

Thinking that their shit don't stink
Sycophant fans, a nod and a wink

A self-promoting tribe
Unable to properly scribe

They talk a good game
But they're clearly insane

Narcissistic, psychopathic loons
The beat their chests like baboons

Strangers to humility
A website's liability

They attack now in packs
Greiveiously mental attacks

Ignore, block and insult
This hateful group is a cult

But the lies that they tell
Don't really gel

Accusations unfounded
Impunity unbounded

Given a free hand
Bullying on demand

Berating the innocent
With evil intent

Many have left
Their enjoyment bereft

Silenced with cat calls
And the fear of reprisals

The evil ones are few
And despite their arse licking crew

You need to scratch beneath the surface
Cowards and sheep beware their embrace

They talk of love and things above
Fabricated under a velvet glove

They even attack their own kind
When they show an enquiring mind

Questioning their validity
Will bring abuse against your stupidity

And you will join the band of castaways
Burnt at the steak by flames ablaze

Stand up, don't leave
Don't leave, stand up
Stand up, don't leave
Don't leave, stand up
Stand up, don't leave
Don't leave, stand up

This cabal will not win
Time to put them in the bin

This is a call to action
To annexe and expel this faction

The revolution starts here
Written by David_Macleod (David Macleod)
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poet
highlyfunctional
Fire of Insight
United States
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Joined 5th Jan 2017
Forum Posts: 49

David Macleod, this is amazing ink!

poet
highlyfunctional
Fire of Insight
United States
6awards   profile   poems   message
Joined 5th Jan 2017
Forum Posts: 49

Cold Fusion, this is a great piece! Thank you for participating in this guilty pleasure.

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