Alchemy -Turning Shit to Shinola

A terrible song came on the radio station the other day.  Something stopped me from immediately switching the station before I became the shit I was hearing.  I decided to listen closely to the song.  I decided to really observe all the fine details that made the song so incredibly terrible.  

Generally, I do believe that the quality of art is a subjective thing.  But I also believe there is a floor, below which the awfulness becomes empirically observable.

I also thought of this site and its members caring to create and draw out beauty, the willingness to use existing materials and produce something valuable.  the competition Scramblegram is an example.  

I decided it was important to give this beautiful community a world improving mission:

Turn Shit to Shinola.

I have chosen 3 inexplicably popular songs, which are clearly and objectively awful and have been a deficit to the quality of our world.  Their power is really negligible in the big picture.  But in principle such awful things should really not even exist.  But they do.  So the next best thing is to make them better, or at least not suck so bad.

I believe you can do it.

The songs are:

1.  "I wanna be your underwear" -Bryan Adams  https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/bryanadams/iwannabeyourunderwear.html

2.  "We built this city" -Starship   https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jeffersonstarship/webuiltthiscity.html

3.  "My Humps" -The Black-Eyed Peas   https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/blackeyedpeas/myhumps.html

The rules.

1.  You cannot alter the theme or main subject of the song. But with with the loving intent and sufficient skill, you can repair the harm done to the theme by the monsters who created the song.

2.   You must keep exactly intact at least three (3) lines from the original , acknowledging that art can allow space for the ugly, but only in small doses.  Which is a testament to art's strength and power.

3.  [bYour new version must be of the same number of lines and of the same rhyme scheme as the original [/b].  You may create new lines to replace the horrid repeating of lines in choruses.

4.  But.. the new lines you create must be repeated the same number of times as the original lines

5.  You may give the song a new title, but the meaning of the title and the theme(s) it implies must not be changed or deliberately misinterpreted

I believe in you.  Do your best to make the worst better.

We Built Max Factor

We built Max Factor
We built Max Factor
On dames and dough

Built Max Factor
We built Max Factor
On dames and dough

Take a look at my face
Ain’t I lookin’ good
Don’t I look just like those
Who come from the ‘hood

I appear exotic
Made up really cool
Foundations beige to brown
You can have ‘em fooled

I love the Macarena
It’s the only way to go
Ten years, December
We built Max Factor
We built Max Factor
On dames and dough

We built Max Factor
We built Max Factor
On dames and dough

Built Max Factor
We built Max Factor
On dames and dough

Fuck the corporations
Beat ‘em at their games
Who cares they’re always changing
Corporation names

Let’s go down to Highland
Showroom’s in a mess
They call us irresponsible
Tell it to the press!

I love the Macarena
It’s the only way to go
Ten years, December
We built Max Factor
We built Max Factor
On dames and dough

We built Max Factor
We built Max Factor
On dames and dough

Built Max Factor
We built Max Factor
On dames and dough

I’ll have another sundae
And I’m back from the salon
I re-apply my lip rouge
But the color’s all wrong

Who counts the money
When I leave a tip
Who pays for the taxi
At the end of a trip

Maxed-out all my credit
Cause we’re the simple fools
Looking for America
Breakin’ all the rules

Ten years, December (December)

I love the Macarena
It’s the only way to go
Ten years, December
We built Max Factor
We built Max Factor
On dames and dough

We built Max Factor
We built Max Factor
On dames and dough

Built Max Factor
We built Max Factor
On dames and dough

We built Max Factor
We built Max Factor
On dames and dough

Built Max Factor
We built Max Factor
On dames and dough

We built, we built Max Factor yeah
We built, we built Max Factor
We built, we built Max Factor yeah
We built, we built Max Factor
We built, we built Max Factor yeah
We built, we built Max Factor
We built, we built Max Factor yeah
(fade out) We built, we built...





( a parody of the pop song “We Built This City” by Starship, released 1985 )

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=K1b8AhIsSYQ

I had never seen the video till yesterday. I couldn’t believe how low Grace Slick had gone since “White Rabbit”.

Underwear

I became obsessed when we first met,
It was with a power I’ll never forget,
Because everything I wanted was a sin
From the moment I touched your bare skin
And from there I knew I wanted to keep
Chasing the fantasy I held so deep
And when you agreed to my ultimate dream
I felt like giving my loudest orgasmic scream
I’m ready for it, this is my ticket,
You know I’m nasty because I’ll lick it
You’re just as bad as me but I’m just going to take it
It might be a little erotic nightmare
You can sense it in the air

I’m going to sniff your underwear
   
Oh you’re nasty too! We’re a match,
But I’m obsessed by the smell of snatch
You know I like it when you don’t shave
It’s so 70’s of you or more like 80’s new wave
It adds that fluff whenever you’re strippin’
When I’ve rhymed for you and you’re drippin’
It’s just so hot that’s when I’ll start my dippin’
I rejoice when you’re moist so just be prepared

I’m going to sniff your underwear

Oh sweet honey, let me just dip inside
It’ll feel so good when we slip and slide
Alright?
I love your muffin, I’m really hooked in,
I’ll sing a song to your thong, it’s really cookin’
Got granny panties or pantaloons? I’m still lookin’
You know I’m a freak, I’m nasty so please give me a pair
      
I’m going to sniff your underwear

(Inspired by Bryan Adam's Your Underwear)

When you say keep the same subject do you mean exactly? For example, would My Humps have to be about a butt or could it be about something else you obsess over?