chasing the rabbit

- PART ONE -

This tale is a warning, about a vice and its woe,
Of the lesson I learnt, and the ones yet to know.

See, the end is unwritten, might be my final farewell,
To the good and the bad, to the heaven and hell.

But the tale should be told, and so I’ll commence,
I’ll be open and honest and try not cause offence.

The whole story started less than eighteen months ago,
With me overweight, out-of-shape and my self-esteem low.

I was awkward and sad but was so sick of my lot,
I’d work out to get thin; it was no novel plot.

But this time I did it. Lost the kilos: twenty-three,
An aesthetic success! But a shock lay waiting for me.

What I discovered to my horror, when the fat had all gone,
It wasn’t why I’d been unhappy, I’d been mistaken all along.

When you can’t blame the depression on the layers of fat.
Scapegoat’s gone, veil’s been lifted – now its time to face facts.

I had hated myself. For which, there’s no easy cure.
But I'd never have guessed what I was about to endure.

- PART TWO -

My grim realisation was not as clear as it is now
It’s taken time and reflection to solve the why and how

So superficial I was that the weight-loss pleased me,
My new body confidence brought me much glee.

It took a short step in learning that when building your self-worth up,
Needn't do it yourself, if others will do it - you're in luck.

The more notches you make, the more of them like you,
Each stamp of approval means you’re worth something too.

But this trick doesn’t work, it’s short shrift at best,
Such validation’s unstable and needs constant redress

All that matters in this system is that they want you,
No connection required, don't need your desire too.

Soon I became an object, a thing merely of which you approve,
Such validation is addictive, not before long it consumes you.

This game is never over, the self-worth is never won,
For approval this fleeting, this shallow has soon gone.

Your entire self-worth crashes right down to the ground,
By one mild-mannered rejection, a snide comment or frown.

It soon left me quite hollow, couldn’t have liked myself less,
How could finding some comfort possibly worsen this mess?

But hand in hand with this issue - there's a darker reveal,
A vice with such danger, it barely seems real.

- PART THREE -

I sought solace in drugs, to liven my day,
It didn’t take long ‘til my life went astray.

In order to find out how this all came to be,
I’ll need you to understand 'her' grip over me.

So allow me to introduce a few "friends" of mine
If you greet them but once, then you’ll find them divine.

There’s Mandy and Katie, and the one just called "G",
And last but not least, is Tina you see.

The last one of these has a much darker side,
Deep down she’s evil, she'll eat you alive.

Or better yet still, she'll have you do it yourself,
You'll follow her whispers, and you’ll ruin your health.

At first you'll be fine and you'll tell yourself so,
But Tina works quickly, there's not long to go.

You’ll chomp and you’ll chew, you’ll pick and you’ll scratch
You’ll end up a shell, that’s Tina’s one catch.

Other than that she’s perfectly fine,
You’ll fall apart slowly, one piece at a time.

And then there’s the psychosis - well that’s just a treat,
When the shadows start watching you walk down the street.

I swear that that singer is writing songs about me,
Wait, what’s that you’re hiding? Don’t lie, I can see!

Still, there’s nothing quite like puffing clouds all the time,
Till five days, no sleep and I’m still writing in rhyme.

Haven’t eaten for days, the fat’s no problem now,
My ribs start protruding, face looks gaunt but wait, how?

I had the whole thing in hand, it was just once a week,
There’s just one final shard left, I can't help but freak

The story gets worse, believe you and me,
When Tina’s got hold there’s no getting free

The minute you try to stop smoking shard,
Full depression sets in and you crash way too hard.

If she can’t get you using then coming off it, she will,
"All the pain will soon stop" T whispers, "if you'd just pop that pill"

But the downers don’t work, Tina makes sure that’s a fact,
She’s not done with you yet, she'll first get you the sack.

You’ve got no money now, so you start helping her out,
You start selling her round ‘cause your fix was in doubt.

But look what you've done! You’ve passed her along,
You know what will happen and know full well it’s wrong.

And this was my fate, and so you will see,
There isn’t much left of a discernible me.

It’s too late for me now, too much of me's gone.
Nobody’s left here to save, if there ever was one.

But Wait! Hold up! Hang on just a sec…
It isn’t quite over, that bitch hasn't won yet.

I had forgotten that feeling, that desire to fight back,
The anger inside that builds you up to attack.

I’m starting to remember someone I used to be,
I was weak but tenacious; few others best me.

My resources are depleted and psychosis set in,
It’s hard to stay sane when your mind's wearing thin.

It’s important that I know I'm not beaten yet,
Got some tricks up my sleeve, that bitch won't ever forget.

- PART FOUR -

Well, what happens next? I’m sure you’re dying to know
The middle is all done with, just the ending to go.

Now – don’t get frustrated but I just can’t tell you the rest,
I don’t know how it ends, I'm still living it - I confess.

Can't predict what will happen, perhaps there's one guess I can,
It won’t end with a fizzle. It will end with a bang.

Right now I’m alone, lost - no clear path in sight,
The state that I’m in, would give anyone a fright.

If all other attempts fail, then only one end is left,
Say it's the easy way out, you call me selfish to choose death.

Your ignorance is very telling, no need to say more,
I understand it all now, as clear as crystal I'm sure.

You’ll never quite get it, not sure you’ll ever quite see,
The pain that I’m feeling and the emptiness that fills me.

After all Tina's done, she hasn't take me whole,
She’s helped things along, granted - she took her toll.

But cast your minds back...there were problems before,
All Tina has done, is to seize the prey at her door.

- PART FIVE -

I was lost before I met her and even before that,
Had not a shred of self-worth, not even a scrap.

It was taken from me, before I even knew,
I was made to believe that somehow I needed you.

Tried so hard to fit in, to obey all of the rules,
To alter myself so I'd be liked by you fools.

I eroded away at the person I could've been.
By tempering myself down, so what's real was unseen.

All of my focus, time, energy were spent,
Playing the role you wanted and the 'real' part just went.

When I finally stopped caring about your version of me,
There was nothing else left there, no person to be.

So I died long ago, certainly anything worth saving.
That person isn't real, don't you? The one that you’re craving.

It was all a smart act, a ruse, a charade.
I played the part well, t'was unwittingly hard.

The impersonation laid on, worked more than it should,
Since it made all you like me more than I ever could.

How dare you remark callously on my final act?!
You have said quite enough haven't you, as a matter of fact.

The blame must be pointed at one of us, three.
One must be the culprit but is it You, I or She?

I know who I'd bet on, let's not dwell on that,
Firing guilt at each other, won't take it all back.

Tina's portion of blame is a catalyst's share,
Can't find her guilty if I kick away the chair.

It's funny that now's the time that I find,
The root of the problem was not me or my mind.

No solution to be gleaned, can't go back to the past.
Only the future left ahead and I’m not sure I’ll last.

Not giving up yet, I won’t just accept such a fate,
With some luck and some willing, it won't be too late...

I am weak and misplaced in this world
A bubble in a world of thorns
I must harden my skin
Turn it to steel and
I must deaden the emotions
That betrays my inner gel
I need my elixir
My potion of power
To make me strong and unfeeling
With it I can weather anything
I am invincible
I am a monster
Without it I am just another
Weak human being
Subject to feel the world’s pain



(C) 2014 XMAR82 all Rights Reserved

Fissures open ligatures lashing old wounds.
Techno honey enervates wastrels’ hot ids,
their ensconced reality altered, bent back
into temptation.

Death came a calling
climbed up the water spout
gonna get that Alice
knock that bitch right out
out came a gun
he fell oh what to do
..so Alice ground him up
and drew the needle from the spoon
...and flew off to the moon
Alice....looked down
at her arm
"tracks like footprints on my soul." she thought
...as the needle slid into her arm
like so many of her customers
it repulsed her till...
she could feel the rush
of the white rabbit racing
through her veins
her mind chasing after it emphatically
till it got to the sweet spot..
.....ah the land of nod.
Alice slumped against the wall
by the gutter in the alley
and appeared to fall asleep.