Poetry competition CLOSED 1st January 2010 00:00am
WINNER
rayheinrich (Death Plane for Teddy)
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Make me laugh fucker!

CruelHandedWriter
Jamie Rhodes
Dangerous Mind
United Kingdom 8awards
Joined 20th Sep 2009
Forum Posts: 1426

Poetry Contest

In this seasonal light I want you to make me laugh, but in the darkest, most sinister way possible. Free-verse rules apply as always.
Right, I am currently in the swing of panto season and christmas looms over me like a rape sentence. In this seasonal light I want you to make me laugh, but in the darkest, most sinister way possible. Free-verse rules apply as always.

Obviously this is self satisfaction, but I often find dragging humour from torment is a good skill to have.

Good luck all, I'll give you until next year, the beginning of.

Abracadabra
Tyrant of Words
Kiribati 21awards
Joined 13th Nov 2009
Forum Posts: 2528

F'Art
 
I am much sicker than
all of you
I am the artist with no walls
left to write on
I am your gravest danger
because I don't do sorry
and I don't live in la-la land
 
All your pussy bleeding
whining
doesn't make you alive
you're just specks of shit
on a dog turd
not even steaming
 
Go home and cry
to your fucking mummy
crawl back inside her belly
and stay there forever
Why did you even bother
to stick your head out in the first place
 
You've never been hungry
You've never looked death in the face
half of you think
meat grows on trees
and the rest wont eat it
 
You're a disgrace to your species
and when the end comes
you'll still be debating
which music to listen to
 
What's it gonna take
for you to get it
there's no such thing as
the fucking perfect stanza
it's what you've got to say
that matters
but in your case
that seems to be fuck all
and it's not even sweet.

CruelHandedWriter
Jamie Rhodes
Dangerous Mind
United Kingdom 8awards
Joined 20th Sep 2009
Forum Posts: 1426

A fine start, I didn't laugh, but a mischievous smile reigned from start to finish! A superflous rant indeed.

rayheinrich
Death Plane for Teddy
Tyrant of Words
Canada 32awards
Joined 4th Dec 2009
Forum Posts: 4409


It's obvious your personal hell ("darkest, most sinister way possible")
requires lock-step rhyme:

Depression, just a bit, a tad,
really isn't all that bad;
but suicidal ideation,
usually calls for medication.


CruelHandedWriter
Jamie Rhodes
Dangerous Mind
United Kingdom 8awards
Joined 20th Sep 2009
Forum Posts: 1426

Basically, I was aiming towards a grim tale that ends with a punchline. Miscarriage jam, that kind of thing.

rayheinrich
Death Plane for Teddy
Tyrant of Words
Canada 32awards
Joined 4th Dec 2009
Forum Posts: 4409


Gretel walks into a bar with a witch under her arm.
The bartender asks: "Say, where did you find Ms. Ugly there?"
"I found her in an oven", Gretel answers.
To which the barman replies: "I was talking to the witch".

(Grimm tale ending with punchline.)

Viddax
Lord Viddax
Guardian of Shadows
United Kingdom 31awards
Joined 10th Oct 2009
Forum Posts: 6672

"Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."

poet Anonymous

"What's the difference,"
asked the man holding his cock.
"between a rock and a dead baby?"
I replied, "You can't fuck a rock."

poet Anonymous

[quote]Viddax said:
"Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."


lol! I love that!

rayheinrich
Death Plane for Teddy
Tyrant of Words
Canada 32awards
Joined 4th Dec 2009
Forum Posts: 4409


Whats Red and invisible........












No Tomatoes

anandosen
Fire of Insight
India 6awards
Joined 22nd Aug 2009
Forum Posts: 316

The happening world,
exhibition is on, where are the exhibitionists?
I think too many-
Everybody wants to steal the show,
keep the focus lights on them, they will shun-
when it turn-offs them, they want Santa for fun!
I don't think it is something to laugh,
repeatedly saying fuck or fucking-
it's pathetic and my tongue twists tucking!

CruelHandedWriter
Jamie Rhodes
Dangerous Mind
United Kingdom 8awards
Joined 20th Sep 2009
Forum Posts: 1426

Viddax, that is is a great line.

penACTION
Bee.
Twisted Dreamer
United Kingdom
Joined 6th Nov 2009
Forum Posts: 97

When females ask my details,
I tell them I work with computers.
It's a hard job, I say. Dedication is the key.
Though I may be highly ranked,
It has come at an expense. I've killed for it,
I've sinned for it. I've changed my face, my hair, my build.
I feel guilt for those I have pushed down,
Those I have made start a new life.
"Times are hard" I tell them.
I get a colon and a bracket reply,
This girl is getting me.
I'll ASL her sometime.

Little does she know
My time is running out.
I sit and ponder. Sweat. Pout.
I run from the basement and to my mothers purse,
Take out her card.

With only two days left,
My World of Warcraft subscription is renewed.
Back to work.

rayheinrich
Death Plane for Teddy
Tyrant of Words
Canada 32awards
Joined 4th Dec 2009
Forum Posts: 4409


The fire one is the best, but I think these are pretty good:

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give a man religion and he
will starve to death praying for a fish.

If you give a cowboy a fish, you'll confuse him for a day.

If you give a cowboy a rope, he'll lasso large breasted women.

If you give a cowboy a goat, he'll end up fucking it.

If you're writing up a grant request to explore the effects of giving a
man fish while teaching him how to fish, you call it "empowerment
focused service delivery".

Give a woman a fish and you'll be sleeping on the couch.

Women: If you give a man a fish, he'll whine for you to cook it. If you
give him oral sex, he'll just whine for more. If you teach him oral sex,
he'll whine you smell like fish. If you complain about his whining,
he'll call you a bitch. But if he learns to fish, you can get rid of him
every weekend and with any luck he'll get drunk, fall off the boat, and
drown.

If you give a man a gun, wait until he's asleep, shoot him in the head
and make it look like an accident, you'll never have to worry about him
learning how to use it.

If you give a man enough rope, he will hang himself. If you teach him
how to make rope, it just takes longer.

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day, but give him a case of
dynamite and soon the village will be showered with mud and seaweed and
unidentifiable chunks of fish.


Viddax
Lord Viddax
Guardian of Shadows
United Kingdom 31awards
Joined 10th Oct 2009
Forum Posts: 6672

"Grinning like a necrophiliac in a morgue."
"No, what he didn't like about heroes was that they were usually suicidally gloomy when sober and homicidally insane when drunk."
"The wages of sin is death but so is the salary of virtue, and at least the evil get to go home early on Fridays."
All are qoutes by the author Terry Pratchett, alas not my making. I hope they bring a dark grin to your face. The fire seems to have spread like... well... wildfire.

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