I Am A Smug Cheshire Twat
For the"What the door mouse said" Comp
Alice said "David; Eat this when you get there
I think I ran all the way there arrived breathless
I approached nervously, Alice hadn't been informative
About what could lay in wait for me in the beyond
I ate, swallowed, shrank and entered - Blackness
I couldn't see my face in front of my hand, 'that's dark.'
Falling into the light and falling in love with my catcher
A tall leggy bunny girl, white costume black tail, 'Odd!
Still carried in her arms I looked and smiled "What's your name?"
"Buggsy, Fudd, Foghorn, Mutley, Pudddytat, Tweety Pie The Third."
"Wow! That's such a long name, do you mind if a call you Jock?"
"No, but can you call me a taxi I'm late."
"Ok Jock! You're a taxi." Not funny but I just had to
She laughed like a lesser spotted purple hippo, it really grated
It could grate the pink cheese made from Venusian hamster milk
She impatiently looked at her moon dial "Shit! It's stopped working!"
"So how do you know your late?" she looked bewildered then cried
"But I don't want to be dead!" she said and my penny dropped the ball
"I didn't mean that kind of late" seems bald bunny girls are worse than blondes
"I called her a yellow cab." She slapped me hard "stop calling me names!"
"I didn't, I called you a taxi!" she raised a clenched paw then her penny dropped
"Thank you sweetie." She kissed me on the forehead leaving a green lipstick mark
"So where are you going?" I asked nosely nasely natterly, chatterly, flaterly.
"I am going to Hugh Heffner's bed sit in the poor quarter of town he's slumming it."
"Why are you going to see that old scroat? Are you his latest victim bride?"
With a flash and an Allakazam she produced a pink spade covered in gems
"I have heard there is gold to dig there and I am an over qualified Miner;
I know you will be surprised by that, it's unusual to have a miner with a vagina."
Thank Lard Dog Allbitey her taxi arrived the driver stuck his head through the window
I bet he wishes he'd opened it first but then he just laughed like a red spotty gallah
He tipped his hat "Hi I'm the mad Cabbie, but at the weekend I am Za Za Gabor."
"You must be Buggsy, Fudd, Foghorn, Mutley, Pudddytat, Tweety Pie The Third?"
"Ermmm, No but she is." I retorted. "That's a long strange name for a woman"
Jock looked him up and down, then round and round "Who said I was a woman?"
I thought 'well that's my future plans dashed. Having said that he's got great legs.'
The mad cabbie got into his taxi and yelled "Fatang, Fatang bleeble vobble."
I said "What does that mean you lunatic? Did you just call me a motherfucker?"
" No!" he chortled "We can't go yet I am on a tea break you mother fucker!"
I let that slide after all my mother was quite hot! But not as hot as grandma
He drank forty two and a half cups of tea "You drink tea like an Apache Chief."
I said with a smug grin One day, the danger is that you will drown in your own TeaPea."
Out of the cab, he peed for half an hour non stop, it strangely smelled like coffee
He went back to the cab opened the trunk and kicked the elephant out in the gutter
The elephant was gutted, he had to walk miles to reach the field of currant buns
Jock took me by the hand and lead me to the cab, 'where there's hope, there's sex'
"You are both very kind, I don't know how to thank you both." I had several ideas
But they all made me throw up in my mouth a wee bit, then as quick as silver
She produced a paint bush and painted our noses red, 'Man what a twat!'
Suddenly with all the force of a kick from a dead kangaroo called Skippy
The door opened, Out jumped a dormouse in a blue Mankini and clear heals
"Paint my nose red and twinkle, twinkle I make you dead." 'Not so polite!'
The dormouse bid us both enter and we got into the back sea, he shut the dore
And got in the seat next to the mad cabbie who's stomach was making gurgling
Without warning the cab started to fill up with coffee smelling tea pee
The dormouse frantically gave everyone cups and shouted "Drink or drown!"
Reluctantly we drank, and drank, strangely it tasted like Starbucks Latte'
An hour later the cab was empty though somewhat damp and smelly
"Tinkle, tinkle, full of piss
There's no way I want a kiss
Tasting of tea pea
Not even from the sexy she, Who's actually a he."
With a flash bang wallop thud they turned into brightly coloured zebras
Or maybe they were just horses in pyjamas. "Oh fuck!" the darkness snapped back on
I couldn't see my ass in front of my kneecap, but I could still hear the dormouse
"Tinkle, tinkle I need a piss
It's vital that I tell you this
As sure as foghorn leghorn is not a hen
You should never buy drugs from Alice again!"
That was the last thing the dormouse said
Right before I woke up dead
Written by David_Macleod
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