White Noise

You say that I'm a loser
But this is just a game we play
I'd gladly lose to see you winning
What's mine is yours to take away

I'm going through the motions
Searching past the cards at hand
They never say that love is easy
You've got to play it if you can

I walk outside and see it's raining
I'm going home alone again
The tv's blank. I'm full of wonder
How can I make you understand

I'd love to hold you in my arms
I want to tell you how I feel
You never even seem to notice
If only daydreams could be real

Another day goes by. I'm lonely
Blank walls stare back at naked eyes
I think of you. It's never-ending
Just want to have you by my side

I see your face in every shadow
I hear your voice and turn around
When searching darkness, blind and hungry
I cling to hope. Will love be found

Although I know you cannot see me
In blackness, bright I try to shine
If angels gaze down from the heavens
Perhaps, one day, you will be mine

I seriously am fighting off depression. I feel it creep up on me. I feel it try to take hold. its so scary. if you seen what depression has done to me. the things it allowed me to do to myself. its fucking terrifying. absolutely fucking terrifying. twice this year I strangled myself. ironically both times the cops pounded on the door. It was that second time I was nearly gone. I even took pics and a video of it. seeing the sweat and the gray in my face. the incoherent look on my face the lack of muscle response. I was nearly asleep. So close. Than that loud familiar bang on the door. It caused a great shot of panic in my resting nearly sleeping body. I felt the veins in my neck pulse forcing the blood past the wrapped extension cord on my neck. I tried to ignore the knock and adrenaline rush. Than my phone rang. they were calling me now. my anxiety grew and I came fully back into reality scared and nervous I frantically shuffle around trying to remove the the cord that was wrapped at least five times around my neck. I struggled and panicked because I couldn't loosen the knot. The banging continued. I was so afraid they were going to kick the door in. the Phone rang again. I knew it was them "unknown" caller at 2am I finally got the cords off from around my neck as i look up i see flash lights shinning into the basement windows. my panic grew, the thoughts of me going to prison because i tried to kill myself. flood my mind. the Phone rang again, hastily I answered. "yeah everything is ok" I spoke as soon as I hit answer. "Mr. Joyce this is the Charlotte police dept. we need you to answer your door." all I could think was there going to take me away again. I'm in trouble because of how I feel. I responded "I'm coming right now I was in the basement" I make my way up the stairs and the music from my tv had to be blaring at nearly max. I didn't remember having it so loud. I run over and hit the ps3 power button cutting all the music entirely and made my way to the front door.