Unsent Letters to the People I Love (or Used to Love)
I love you, even during those years when I tested and pushed you away
Like you did with your own mother. There were some times I hated you
Because I knew that you were right. You supply me with that endless light.
You always give me hope that I can have what you and dad have some day.
You would never know that you are the reason why I love the color blue,
The color of your eyes and ocean waves. The color of morning and night
Skies. The color of our birthstones for September. You are always saying
You want what is best for me and you will fight for me until the very end.
I finally got it through my thick skull how you will always have my best
Interests at heart. I hope that you will forgive me for not always displaying
My love for you in all the right ways. Every emotion and feeling that I send
Your way because I just want to be your little girl lying across your chest
To escape the world just for a little bit. Even when you are weary and tired
I can see the love there. I can see the superwoman symbol underneath all
The layers, persistence and years of hard work. For every broken heart
You knew how to fix it. From day one, you always pushed and inspired
Me to become a better person in this world filled with chaos and a wall
That is built high is meant to be broken. You taught me life is like art,
Messy, chaotic and far from perfect. Your love came right from the start.
Your baby girl
I envied you from the first moment we met up to now. I always thought my mom
And our dad favored you over me. You were the perfect daughter. Skinny, pretty,
Smart, bilingual and all of the guys flocked to you like pigeons. Little did I know
That you were insecure like every other woman. Little did I know that your palm
Would be shaking and sweating. Maybe you are okay with being away from city
Life for a little while you get grounded and get your bearings. It comes to show
That I should never judge a book by its cover because we all go through things
That we do not always share with the rest of the world. Although we share some
Of the same blood, we are different people in this universe. I always admired
Your strength and courage. It is like you have given me the power and wings
To fly away. It is like when you held me that one night when I would succumb
Myself to all the tears that cling to your shirt. It is when you saw me as uninspired,
Being simply human and someone to help with all of the lingering sadness or pain.
For that moment and many more to come you are my heroine. You are my backbone
When I have needed it the most. When the sky was going from light to dark blue
Then to grey and when it felt like I could no longer breathe through all of the rain
You become my lighthouse, the place where I could go to be secure like a stone
Again. “I am proud of you,” the words that I thought I would never hear from you
And come from your lips. The way you hugged me just a little bit tighter because
I really needed that too. With a clear conscience, it would only reassure me that I
Made the right and final decision. I argued with you about it many times, but maybe
That was because I knew everyone else was right. It was when everyone’s claws
Sunk in and I was left right where I started. Vulnerable and average, asking why?
But among all of the wreckage and carnage it is always going to be you who I see.
For all that we have gone through, I know that we messed up. I thought we
Were going to survive, even through the roughest of storms, but it is what
You said, we let too many outside things influence our decisions. I let you get
Away because you did not fight hard enough in the end. Together we were tree
Roots, but we could not grow together. I told you that it was the vibes and gut
Feelings that were in the way, but the truth is that I would eventually forget
What it is like to be held close to your heart. I felt like I was no longer telling
You everything that was going on because you did not understand. I would
Be the one who told you that I already moved on because I would not want
Anyone we know to tell you instead. I know how you want to be yelling
Because you felt like we both wasted so much time on this, but we could
Be spending that energy on something else. You would appear and haunt
My dreams for a little while longer because you were such a huge part of
My life. Despite all the ups and downs I am forever grateful for all that
We had because it let me go down a road I never thought I would travel.
I wish that one of us would have at least had the courage to say “I love
You” because maybe it would have changed things for us because at
Least this would be lasting a lifetime like promised, but things unravel
And it leads us each down different paths. You fought for me, but it was
Too little, too late by that point. I took the blame for hurting us both, but I
Was not the only one who was carrying weapons, knifes or loaded guns.
You will wake up one morning and realize I am not there. That loud buzz
Will wear off and you will experience a hangover like no other. You cry
And recognize in the middle of everything you lost one of the good ones
You cannot get back. While you were looking for gold, I was already
Losing my patience. I could not keep staying in this endless tango with
You, wondering when it was going to be over or better. I became sober
When I realized I could not keep doing this. I was becoming unsteady
Even more than I was before the end. I could not become that wordsmith
Who used words to mend the broken. I wish I could go back before October.
The one who you let get away
Written by eswaller
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