Page:
Gimme me 'ANY' Criticism...
APetalFallen
Michael Donald Orum II
Joined 2nd Dec 2024
Forum Posts: 27
Michael Donald Orum II
Lost Thinker
![United States United States](/images/flags/United_States.gif)
Forum Posts: 27
I've never finished a piece of prose... ever...
This is another unfinished attempt at a write.
I imagine it had a direction, which was lost 50 times along the way, and this is what is left of my attempt.... I struggled A LOT with suicidology. I'm over it now... just saying.
==
never ending, always repeating and changing.
like reloading a revolver, over and over.
the soul inside dunced and left hanging.
i have been left to suffer the burden of never knowing what it is I do not know. I now know why it is I have been punished. At a glance it appears as If I will never be releaved of my lifes trajedy. Hope stirs beneath the surface. Allowing me to breathe for a moments time. What will I do when I can no longer hope? The pain will come back and drag me below. As it has done many times before. So many times before that I can no longer remember how many times I have fallen under. I must remember that living through this is more important then killing myself. I must remind myself it could be worse. I must remind myself I will see the end.
This is another unfinished attempt at a write.
I imagine it had a direction, which was lost 50 times along the way, and this is what is left of my attempt.... I struggled A LOT with suicidology. I'm over it now... just saying.
==
never ending, always repeating and changing.
like reloading a revolver, over and over.
the soul inside dunced and left hanging.
i have been left to suffer the burden of never knowing what it is I do not know. I now know why it is I have been punished. At a glance it appears as If I will never be releaved of my lifes trajedy. Hope stirs beneath the surface. Allowing me to breathe for a moments time. What will I do when I can no longer hope? The pain will come back and drag me below. As it has done many times before. So many times before that I can no longer remember how many times I have fallen under. I must remember that living through this is more important then killing myself. I must remind myself it could be worse. I must remind myself I will see the end.
Given the title of the thread, it seems that you want some constructive feedback. From my perspective, I am a bit confused by the first stanza. As a reader I need a little guidance in the first stanza.
The part “never ending….” Needs a subject. For example,
“never ending struggle with thought
Always repeating
Ever changing coming from a different direction
…
The part “never ending….” Needs a subject. For example,
“never ending struggle with thought
Always repeating
Ever changing coming from a different direction
…
I feel you have to complete the stanza and the prose will follow an example is"
never ending, always repeating and changing.
like reloading a revolver, over and over.
the soul inside dunced and left hanging.
Always starting, can never end, circling back
to the beginning that never bends
what's left of a soul incomplete
From there, you can build on the prose, I feel. But that is just my opinion.
never ending, always repeating and changing.
like reloading a revolver, over and over.
the soul inside dunced and left hanging.
Always starting, can never end, circling back
to the beginning that never bends
what's left of a soul incomplete
From there, you can build on the prose, I feel. But that is just my opinion.
APetalFallen
Michael Donald Orum II
Joined 2nd Dec 2024
Forum Posts: 27
Michael Donald Orum II
Lost Thinker
![United States United States](/images/flags/United_States.gif)
Forum Posts: 27
LUL
LOL
Omg this is not CRITICISM at all!
This is more like "would you please rewrite this my way based on my suggestion." That's not what I asked for.
I asked for CRITICISM. Not technical advice. god damn...
LOL
Omg this is not CRITICISM at all!
This is more like "would you please rewrite this my way based on my suggestion." That's not what I asked for.
I asked for CRITICISM. Not technical advice. god damn...
APetalFallen
Michael Donald Orum II
Joined 2nd Dec 2024
Forum Posts: 27
Michael Donald Orum II
Lost Thinker
![United States United States](/images/flags/United_States.gif)
Forum Posts: 27
@Trillium
calm yo tits! I do alot of other things. I dont check the forum every 2 minutes like I used to on BombingScience graffiti forum the sole day I did so.... k?
calm yo tits! I do alot of other things. I dont check the forum every 2 minutes like I used to on BombingScience graffiti forum the sole day I did so.... k?