Santa's Naughty Little Helper Part Two

Last Christmas Eve, this bitch I used to fuck with (who died from a Fentanyl overdose)... she come walking into my house. She was wearing chains and shit and looking pretty fuckin’ hot for a ghost. She tells me I’m gonna be visited by three ghosts and I’m thinking to myself, this some straight Dickensian shit right here. I ask her where she got them chains and she starts telling me but my mind goes wandering to her hard ass nipples and I’m wondering how ghosts even get cold if they dead, so I don’t really hear whatever the fuck she was trying to say to me. But anyhow, the first ghost was the ghost of Christmas past, and that ghost took me all the way back to 1843. This ghost was trying to show me how people used to fuck with Christmas back in the day. Me? I’m like “fuck this ghost”- straight up. I’m a fucking poet. I don’t need you to teach me a DAMN thing. And to prove this, I take a random boy off the street, break his leg, bend him over and force him to say that he’s Tiny Tim, as I ram myself deeper and deeper inside his soft fanny. He’s on and on about “god bless us every one” and some shit. I left trails of figgy pudding all down his backside, and smacked his ass and told him to limp off to the corner store to buy the prize Turkey, and that I’d give him two shillings if he managed to hurry back in 30 minutes, hobbling on that busted up leg of his. That ghost was so disgusted (cause he was old
Fashioned) by what I did to that boy, he said it was useless going any further- and the other two ghosts never showed. Yeah, that’s right... no fuckin’ little Suess creatures melting this guy’s heart. You celebrate Christmas your way, and leave me to do the same. Why y’all white people talkin to ghosts on Christmas anyhow? Ain’t you scared? Why ain’t they scary on Christmas? They still dead, right? Ain’t no such thing as a jolly ghost. That shit’s a myth. Fucking idiots...

 
After the presents have been delivered to all the girls and boys
Santa then pulls out…his naughty list
Because now it’s time to distribute the adult games and toys
To the grownups who won’t be dismissed…
 
Becky asked Santa for some massage oils
Which aren’t too kinky for any kind of smut
But her boyfriend Simon asked for anal lube
So he’d have an excuse to slip a finger in her butt
 
Jean wished for some cute see-through lingerie
A tiny pink teddy to model for her spouse
But her husband Rob asked for some leather
The rough stuff gets the pervert aroused
 
Regina has been single for almost a year
Ever since she and her ex, Ed got a divorce
Curiously, she asked for a black Sybian saddle
Because she’s been wanting to ride that horse  
 
For a while Carlos has been unlucky with the ladies
It’s too expensive to flash cash on a Saturday night
So he stopped going to the discotheque clubs
And asked Santa for a friend zone flesh-light
 
Old man Murphy said he was down for whatever
So Mrs. Murphy smiled as they played checkers
But she asked for the biggest thickest strap-on
And she aptly named it the “Rectum Wrecker”
 
Wrecked him? Damn near killed him!
Mrs. Murphy put it on and said “Oh don’t worry Rich”
“That thing is too big” old man Murphy screamed
But she said: “Shut the fuck up and take it bitch!”
 
Santa’s got a randy bag for all the adults of the world
Dildos, vibrators, handcuffs, whatever your needs
Are you disgusted? Oh please don’t clutch your pearls
Look closer, Santa swapped them with anal beads
 
Do you want whips? Chains? Rope? Or maybe restraints?
This holiday season write old Saint Nick that spicy note
Go ahead, come on, don’t be shy, Santa won’t judge
His secret motto is “Hey, whatever floats your boat”

I cannot keep these hoes away
They hunger for my dick
But once a year on Christmas Day
My life becomes a hallmark flick

Bust a nutcrackers line my shelves
I don my Santa hat
I cook some cookies shaped like Elves
And hand them out at the laundromat

I share cocaine with all the kids
Who come from broken homes
And sleep well knowing what I did
Baby Jesus will condone

Merry Christmas to all my bitches

Christmas is here
Joy to all
For Grandma:
Got ran over by a
Reindeer
But Santa
Got sleighed
By a Naughty:
Mrs Claus
In her birthday suit

Joy of X-mas
Is good to me
Giving back
Bring good karma
For Love everyone
Has come to enjoy
Santa is lucky
He has his Naughty:
Naked Mrs Claus
For I wish I had a
Naughty Naked
Mrs Claus of my own