Self Poems : Sick of Myself : Deep Underground Poetry Community

Sick of Myself

My lips are caught on every word you still have yet to say,
And if meaningless syllables would ever come to mean anything more,
I swear,
my ears could run into complications just trying not to bleed.
Now I’d die to hear your voice speaking my name,
Even if only but once.
One sentence was more then enough to rescue me,
and that’s all I cared to ask for…
Except you remained silent.
Well, who the fuck am I to complain?
I never spoke up,
couldn’t dare tell you just what I felt.
So you stayed your distance well I played it safe.
Circumstance won’t change a thing
we had no control
Fate gave everything she had
kept you from getting all too close.
I was avoiding my own insecurities the whole time,
refused the blame for wounds found chasing down past mistakes.
Unwilling to let myself forget,
and unable to wash my own suffering away,
Hopeless.
Now left abandoned here
Stranded inside repeating reflections mirroring a regrettable history.
I was meant to suffer for a whole other eternity.
But you…
You replaced lingering animosity
Offering the promise of holding me down
With your hands clenched tightly around my throat,
and at this point,
you could be the killer or the cure,
My silver lining or another automatic copilot preprogrammed curse.
It doesn’t even matter anymore,
I continued choking down these rattled bones.
Severed and broken until I gave in
stole back all my secrets as I swallowed my pride…
along with pills keeping all contempt from creeping its way back up.
no amount of medication will make a difference,
not now.
Nothing can dispose of the half digested remains,
Reminding me I fucked up bad this time,
What’s worse is
I made this mess all on my own.
Medicine making the ill overly sick,
my stomach turned upside down,
And it’s all just more prescriptions
Just helping disease move this infection along.
So I Convinced the nurse
It was double or nothing…
Stabilized now by twice the average amount.
I’m given only enough to overdose,
yet they argued these drugs would replace insanity.
Silently agreed upon in unseen nods
They’d keep there mouths shut
What goes on when the door slams is inevitable
And hands stay clean if all eyes keep closed.
I never even knew I was such an inconvenience,
it hurts,
but I’d rather leave this place on my own terms…
One more blood soaked suicide to clean up after,
just to make it easy on myself.
But I fear that may be a burden on your heart, Undeserving of a hurt so intimidating
Almost repulsive…
So I choose the solution least damaging to your happiness.
Suffer quietly instead.
You saw straight through me.

The truth- in all honesty…
My life is one big lie after another,
A product of deception
Like this mask
made up to cover fraying splits in worn out lines
Pieced together to make up the noose I’m hanging by
Hung up to fade as it drags me right down on my knees again.
Don’t waste your breath
I can’t be saved.
Do you really think you could tame a life destined to destroy itself,
finding fresh slits carved on the wrist every time you turn your back?
Just give it a little more time,
and given the chance,
You’ll catch an explosion out of the corner of your eye,
Self mutilation coming clearly now into sight.
I’ll ruin every wholesome image and innocent idea
Any particle of good you ever believed you saw in me.

I might be willing to show you who I really am,
give you some warning,
A running start,
Clean getaway…
and I should warn you now,
you’re in way over your head.
But I want you to see this,
the damage I‘ve done to myself…
vital attempts to heal pain released in overwhelming amounts
A masterpiece I created on my own.
Yeah,
That’s a red flag,
walking disaster,
hazardous in all extremities
And I’m dangerous by every standard.
Caged up.
My reputation proceeds itself
Like a mass murderer on a leash
(more like a choke chain)
But I’m begging you to look past my mental state
Please don’t run away like everyone else
Try hard to overcome fear
I swear
I would NEVER hurt you!
Your presence alone shadows this hate I’ve always held,
Hinders all value of the parasite I became.
I’ll keep you safe…
as long as you never ask me to promise the same for myself…
Unnerved mind mentality gives me purpose,
Harming this person I’m supposed to be…
It’s my only reason for staying,
The last chance I’ve been given to continue breathing.

No one ever taught me that living was an option,
And maintaining my own sanity
Has made self induced torture all too easy.

Written by XKill Me RomanticallyX (pixxxiepoet)

Published 20th February 2010 8:30am Last modified 20th February 2010 8:30am Read all poems by XKill Me RomanticallyX
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