Why bother, my father

So it's been 25 years and I'm still here
I didn't grow much in that little time
Slowly progressing because I can't leave the past behind
Adrenaline junkie I've become an action packed addict in fact
If you got to know me like most people I'm ecstatic
Telling jokes with a smile because I'm after your laughter but it's all an act
The fact is my life's been impacted, by situations so traumatic, sometimes I act erratic, surprised my minds intact
Unconscious because my conscious maybe slacking or I lack it so I watch my world collapse in...sorry, I get overwhelmed sometimes..back on track then.

You told me men don't cry or take help from people
Bottling up my emotions I over reacted with no one to connect with or feel equal
I'll never forget when I was 11
Put my faith in God and praying into the heavens
moved away from the family out to the dessert
In hopes that our lives would change for the better
a year later we leave you but emotionally I'm tethered
Never thought we couldn't keep family together
But this was final because we were broken now forever
Looking at you through the window crying as we pulled away
Only to return a few months later to a hospital bed in which you lay
The doctors tell us to enjoy your presence because it's your final days
Collapsed your lungs and in a coma, unaffordable life supported we couldn't pay
3 days in place and just like that you awaken
We ask you to come home, your not alone we just want you to change
But disgraced you dont.....and that's the last I'll see of you
I guess I should be happy because it's what you choose.....
Following that we here you leave it all with the flash of a gatt
For five long years I think to blame myself
if I had stayed I could've changed how you felt
The fighting becomes more frequent but it's not the worst
My brothers getting stronger, everyday the pain is worse
It's no longer just physical because I cry every night
In hopes that maybe tomorrow he can accept me into his life
Constantly compared because I'm failing, I'm to blame for all the fights
They tell me I'll end up like you, I'm to follow in your footsteps right?
Broken spirited, fearing my life, I stepped over the ledge
I was so young, overcome with fear of failure I had considered death
15 years in I attempted to commit suicide
Death sentenced I didn't expect to live or the impact on my life
Only to wake up a failure, regretting that I didn't die
Lucky you left an answer for everyone of your lies
Drugs could numb and help overcome depression felt in your heart
I break and take to my desire, pop and lock until I drop, I only stop when I can't talk
Take me far, the stars, or Bangladesh, where I can load this sterile barrel and bang my brains to rest
Shoot!
The only limit here is when your finally dead....
By age 17 I lived without regret, my attempt helped me forget that you were really dead
Well life's funny and unforgiving, you called and my pain was all in vain that day
And all 5 years I wondered if you were here would things be alright
mom exposed what you had chose, your an addict, and a drunk, am I hearing lies?
Drunk and high, abusing mom almost every night
I guess it's why all of my drinks are diluted with some ice
At first I was in disbelief because I didn't see it with my eyes
But I knew she told the truth, she showed me your disguise
So when you called I had so many questions, but you had so little answers
I think I disappointed you because my life turned out a big disaster
I looked for bonds in what I learned from you everyday
"What drugs you do? Are we the same?Are you addicted to cocain?"
Instead of learning from the pain, I became an addict who just wanted to die
And all of this wasn't done for you, but to you out of spite
After that I'd live in fear, following me every year, unclear of how to steer
Intoxication made it impossible to live a stable life....unable to distinguish wrong from right....well I lost sight...and myself
I lost everything, the car, the home, there was nothing I could call my own.
So I took a chance and moved into the city
In hopes that maybe my life wouldn't be shitty
Well here its easier for an addict to get back at it
I won't lie though, I did in fact make progress so it wasn't all bad
I started writing and forgiving myself for things I did in the past
The aftermath to that was doing drugs less out of spite.
I finally managed to clean up only to realize
We hadn't had connection and our conversations slowly died
I apologized ahead of time because I knew I couldn't have you in my life
Because of what had happened, I obsessed and stressed over your intentions
depressed I questioned if I should let go and just accept it
I moved back the 4th of july, the family say not to forget who gave me life
I awaken every morning even better, I'm only negative to all the weather
I have a car, a job, a girl who doesn't question all my scars
She's accepted them Because they molded me it's almost art
But then again you force yourself to life
You called my brother out of spite
Intoxicated wasted full of hatred opposite the line
That's when it finally hit me, I have to forget you completely
The following months my life begins to fall apart
I fear I'll lose my job, the car, and everything I got
Awake for days I stay in bed thanksgiving holiday
I fear the family will try to make me think they now what best for me
So I make that final call and ask for honesty, its not your fault, but you're  poison to my life
You didn't bother being honest, I'm disappointed that you lied.
Thousands of miles in between us and your still the same
Couldn't you just be a man and accept that your to blame
You seem to think my mom's the problem and here I though you changed
Your memories are everlasting even though your a troubled man
Because all I can remember is you made the greatest dad
But until I learn to take control over my life, ignoring you is how I feel I might
Hopefully I can forgive you before one of us passes
I'm 25 now and it's the day after Christmas
Laying insomniaddict, the only regret is that I missed it
I think I may have found the answer to my problem

Merry Christmas Guerrero Gonzalez