what have I become

I lay here sweating
Don't want to live yet afraid to die
There's thunder in my heart yet sadness in my eye
What part of me will take hold
I'm afraid I'm happy I'm sad I'm courageous
What part of me will unfold
Day to day is so different that's what makes it the same
The yoyo affect of being up and down
The thin line between pleasure and pain
Wanting to know not wanting to find out
The world around me is so quiet
The world around me does nothing but shout
Some days I feel everything some days I'm so numb
Is this the stary or the end of the journey
I ask myself what have I become