Letters I'll never send day 1

Monday,  May 9th 2016 12:25 am.                     Dear MaryAnn, I still can't believe you told me you don't want me anymore. After you hung up yesterday morning, I kept crying for hours. I finally fell to sleep but I kept waking up. I dreamed about you. You told me you left because I was too negative and I begged you to give me another chance. You said you had a boyfriend now. But when I said you didn't date boys, you told me you didn't mean it. I really want you to tell me you didn't mean it. I miss you so much already. I'm so confused. I really don't understand. I love you so much. I can't help but feel that somebody happened. Did you get scared? Is there someone else? Did someone say something? I just can't believe that you would just suddenly not want me anymore without a reason. And that you wouldn't say you love me or any of the other stuff unless you meant it. So I have to believe something caused this. I wish you would tell me what... Also work was torture. So many people because it was Mother's Day. But the night dragged on. All I could think about was you and that I wanted to hurt myself. I never carry my box cutter with me but today I grabbed it from my purse and I carried it all night. On my lunch I even went into the bathroom to use it. I played with it for five minutes or more then I pressed it against my thigh. I almost did it. But I decided not to. I didn't want you to find out and think I was trying to manipulate you. Just like I will never send this letter. I just need to tell you things and I can't anymore. I don't want to be annoying. Though I just want to crawl into bed, call you and fall asleep with you. But instead, all I do is cry. That's all I did at work. It was terrible. I wanted to stay home but I knew I would just stare at my phone hoping you would message me and crying because you haven't... Everytime kik goes off I have a moment where my heart beats faster and my stomach drops to the floor. Because I hope it's you while knowing it's not.  
 
11:20 am
 
I woke up hoping you would of messaged me. I don't know what, Just something to let me know you were thinking of me. It's taking everything I have not to tell you I miss you so fucking much and I love you. I don't want this. I just want you. And I have to believe that you meant it every time you said it to me... I tried taking a nap but all I could think was how much I miss you. My heart keeps beating so fast. I miss you so much I watched some of the videos you sent being random. You told me you love me and I just can't believe you didn't mean it. There has to be something more to all this. I wish you would tell me. I hate this so fucking much. I just want you, no I really need you. I need you in my life and I need you to make this better. You were always afraid you'd lose me, but then you left. I just can't understand. I love you so much MaryAnn. You are everything to me and I need you. Please don't leave forever. Please just let this be temporary...
 
 
3:00pm
 
 
I keep going over this in my head. And I just can't understand. It just doesn't make sense. You were the one to tell me you already knew you were going to marry me someday. That doesn't sound like something anyone would say unless they meant it. Because I never mentioned marriage until after you did. Yes, I first mentioned promise rings. But that was after you already said that. I said the promise rings should be for our one year together. You said you are thinking you didn't want to wait that long. So again, that doesn't sound like someone who didn't want this. neither does you begging me not to leave just last week with the incident with the girl was showing you her nipple rings. Someone who didn't want to lose me so much wouldn't have been worried. so I can't help but think something else happened. Something made you think you had to leave. I don't buy the excuse you just don't want this and you can explain further. you just don't do all you can to show me you love me and that I mean everything to you and then throw it all away without a real reason. I wish you would just tell me. I need to know. Did you cheat? Did you feel so guilty for instead of telling me that you decided to just leave? Did you think that would be easier? Did your family say or do something to make you feel you had no choice? did your dad get worse? Did you just get scared of meeting me? You always said you were afraid it wouldn't like you once you were here. I know that wouldn't happen though. Did the reality set in that you were taking such a huge step with me? I really want to ask you all these questions. But I don't know if I can. You didn't see much willing to give me any answers last time I tried asking you to tell me. Fuck I miss you. I hate this with all my heart. I just want things to be okay again with you. forever.