Pretending

Honestly, I'm kind of tired of censoring myself all day everyday so nobody looks at me in judgment.... Tired of carrying on like I'm strong and brave and like I'm going to just make it through this.... I'm tired of pretending that I don't wish the only person that helped to carry me through this is nonexistent and that I don't wish like hell I could have someone to help love me through this... I'm tired of day in and day out forcing a smile and braving the day like I haven't wished it wouldn't come, I'm tired of being so strong and always having to bite my effing tongue.... I'm tired of being told that pills and treatment will help.... Because honestly there's no difference between that and medicating myself.... I'm tired of watching what I say so no one thinks I'm wrong, the kids will see and I'm being selfish for feeling what I feel and they need better.... Like I'm not effin real??? My emotions no matter how dark and scary or empty or fake or for a fleeting second happy, are mine to experience, live with, get through, deal with and ultimately compartmentalize to avoid the extent of the damage caused by experiencing them all at one time.... And no I'm not okay but I face each day one moment at a time until I can breathe on my own knowing that everything's gonna be fine