Coward

 Sometimes
At the time of night
when the vermin rule as kings of all they see
I climb the stairs
soft as sunlight on cloudy days
wincing at every creaking step and every gasping wobble
Until I gain the summit
and stand basking in the warm glow of the lonely bathroom light
and let the sounds of my loved ones seep into my soul
While I melt my toes into the faded carpet
searching for warmth in my coldest hours

My mother talks in her sleep
probably dreams of all my pranks
the unsuspecting pokes in the ribs
and the Kung fu noises while she's trying to take a nap
Well
that's probably why her hand twitches
My sisters like to sigh
like every dream is a picture of content
And I like to stand and listen
and talk to God, hoping he might listen
It's an odd thing to do
This tradition of mine
I started years ago
When my sister was ill
I'd go to the bathroom and on my way back I'd pause outside her door and listen to the sounds of her lungs struggling for air
I'd strain my ears for any sounds she made and not dare to move a muscle
in case I woke her
and she realised how much her illness worried me
See, I spent my days being a living a distraction
that's when the pranks started
don't think of death
don't think of gasping for air in the dead of night and fading slowly away as your family sleep around you, unaware
don't think of hospital beds
of needles and breathing tubes
just think of how annoying your baby brother can be
how he likes to poke your ribs every time you turn away
Think of all the times he's sat in wait
The pillow sniper
Poised behind doors with pillow in hand
Until the moment finally comes
And it's swing and run for dear life

think of what you'll do when you catch me
Stop thinking of what life for us will be like once your gone
Don't think of me in the night
standing waiting for reassurance that they won't leave me too
that I won't have to bury them
the way I buried you
In the freezing rain on a winters night
Feeling your ribs and having the odd urge to poke
to distract you even still
Don't think of being dead
don't think of me climbing down
Into your grave before you
cradling the empty shell of you
that's wrapped in your shroud
with mind and body numb
Not wanting to leave you
In a cold and lonely place
without even a candle to bring you light in your first night of forever

I'm sorry
I know it would disappoint you
To see me standing in the hallway
Having heated discussions with God
Begging and pleading
Between the noises of my loved ones living

God
You've never listened before
And I won't ask for anything else
But give me just one selfish thing
Grant me my cowards wish
Let me die young
so I don't have to stand in the twilight
Wondering who I'll have to bury next