self knowledge

I hate myself
I want him dead
"But you can't kill me" once he said,

"cause if you do
you'll be dead too
and noone is going to cry for you".

Get to know to yourself better
you're about to enter a shelter
Learn your fucking list of traits
change yourself your life awaits.

Traits you should embrace and hold
Traits you should erase as told
Traits you should change a bit
for you in society to fit.

Well, I,
with my conscious with sense
with this confession as a defense
admit how horrible I am
so stupid, irresponsible and dumb.

I have lost fourteen years
I've cried with fake and real tears
I've sold my soul I've given up
And still I sense an inner gap.

What should I do? Must I pray?
I am three hundrent miles away
Away from home away from sin
I don't think that running away means win
cause someday you may go back
so measure then your strength and luck..

How the hell did I get here? I can say..

there are certain rules a kid has to obey..

My indifferent folks, my low self esteem
the fact that I wanted to be a part of a fuckin' team
To face reality my mom drunk galons of white wine
She used to ask me "are you ok?"
I was always saying "I'm fine."

I wish I could say we lived happily ever after
but a 25% alc./vol bottle had been her only daughter.

I didn't care until I saw her whittled coffin
The second funeral in my life,

about the first.. I don't like talking
I'll tell you what, then people labeled me as a widow
blackdressed and pale looking out of my rehab wide window.

I tried to change but I was terrified by me silver
the sickness was just in my head,

but I was burned by a real fever.

I thought I'll be fine but I've been hiding behind of..my finger
If I hah had a revolver backthen,

I would had pulled the trigger.

I started writing words inspired by a guitar
as I was running on a highway,

three dudes, me and their car.

I am so sick of this life
I wish for a different way of living
never to think of fucking dust
or my sight like knife on the ceiling

I have a feeling
I have to find my final destination
It isn't death
It isn't cash
It isn't recognation.