Second best to booze

Married, but always feel alone. Only married single parent I know. Second best to the alcohol. At least now it is only alcohol, as if that is a good thing. And it is, I suppose, when compared to what I was second best to...Never a good morning. No contact at all during the day. No hugs. No kisses. No hand-holding. No acknowledgement of anything I have accomplished. No how was your day. Every answer is "don't matter." And years of witnessing first-hand what it means to be a couch potato is a true killer of feelings. Every missed opportunity to say you love me, every time you turned me down, ignored me, wouldn't help, every time you drank so much that you pissed all over the house and got mad at me, every time you passed out cold, every time you got drunk and called me a bitch, every broken promise, every occassion gone unmentioned has left me with a heart that can no longer keep beating for you. I have given all I have to give. My love is empty. Nothing left but a great big hole filling with conflict. Do I risk walking away from the only life I have ever known, into the big scary world of single? Am I capable of loving someone after giving it my all for years and years and not feeling anything back? Is better to give than to receive. True. But what happens when you have nothing left to give? Maybe I am selfish because I want someone to be there when I wake up - AND wants to hold me. I want a random call or text just to say hello as I go about my day. I want someone to let me openly cry when I want to - and not hear what's wrong now? I want to be someone to somebody. I want to matter. I want to stop being invisible. I want to be wanted. I want to give what I have left to give before it withers away and turns into dust. I have given all the same before, I worry I am not capable of loving or giving again. I want the last words I hear at night to be "I love you" and to know they are true. You say I have no faith in you. You are right. Faith requires belief by more than just me. It requires you to be a man and show that you are capable of more than working, laying down,and drinking. I hate being second best to the booze.